Ch. 21 I Need You
I wake with a startling clap in my ear and I jump up and when I do, my knee smacks into Rick's computer desk. I rub my sore knee and look around for Rick but it's Jackson.
"Sorry, I was doing research all night and I must have fallen asleep." I rub my eyes but he makes no move to leave with that explanation.
"I understand that you and Rick have this thing and I won't say anything because I don't want to lose you but Katherine, you are not permitted in his room like this." He gestures to my very revealing nightgown. "Now, are we clear?"
"Yes, I'm sorry Jackson. It won't happen again." He nods and leaves the room and I wait until he is gone before I take a deep breath. So he knows about us and he isn't going to say anything? Why? Isn't this whole thing a big mess? Why is it ok to him? I stop questioning it and Rick walks in and immediately gives me a kiss on my head.
"Morning sunshine. How are you doing?" He begins to start pulling clothes out of his closet and I expected him to be upset.
"Morning. Aren't you mad at me? After last night and all, I thought you'd be so pissed." I begin to gather up all my things from his desk and wait out his response with one hand on the knob.
"No, you said you weren't lost in it and I trust you. I understand that you need to follow things through and it's one of the things I love most about you, that you don't let go." He tosses me one of his zip up hoodies and smiles. "Can you wear this and nothing else?" He laughs but I don't let it go.
"Sure." That stops his laughing. "Name the time and place. I'll be waiting Mr. Castle." I wink and leave him blushing.
"I am so excited! My parents are coming home today and they're gonna pick me up from school and. . ." Madison stops running and jumping all over the place so she can get a good breath. "Finally, right?!" She is busy tossing all her clothes into the bag she had brought when she began staying here. I never thought that I'd miss her the way I am right now.
"I can't believe that a week went by so fast." I toss Rick's hoodie on my bed and plop down next to it. "I am really going to miss having a roommate."
"Are you really going to miss me hogging your bed and stealing all your bathroom time?" She laughs and zips up her bag. "This room helped me heal and I'm gonna miss you like crazy." She pulls me close in for a hug and I stifle a tear.
"Now that, that's all done, want to pick out my outfit for the last time?" I cuddle Rick's hoodie and she simply shakes her head no.
"Warmer weather means revealing clothing. So, I am thinking a dress with fishnets?" She begins to flip through my dresses and I just relinquish my choice. But I am not completely let down. She pulls out a very form-fitting, white dress with a blue china pattern on it. "Ok, with this, no fishnets. What do you think?"
"I think you did a very good job. But what about my hair? How can I wear a dress like that with my hair like this?" I toss around my bed head and get my finger stuck in a curl.
"I got this." Madison runs to the bathroom and emerges with everything I practically leave in there. "Ok, so sit in front of me and don't worry about a thing." She talks about her party and spring break but in my head I am too busy jamming out to Prince and Zooey Deschanel's "FALLINLOVE2NITE" "Stop moving your head." She drops a curl and it falls perfectly loose on my shoulder.
"Thank you for doing this for me. You didn't have to." I pull down the end of my nightgown and fight to sit still. I get so wrapped in one thing that I fear that I might miss another. I wait out her one person conversation and continue to fight to sit still.
"Ok, ready for your makeup? Turn around." She smiles before making me close my eyes. "You know I am an only child and I have never felt the need to have another sibling but I missed out. If I knew they would have been as much fun as you are then maybe I could have changed things."
"I don't feel like I missed out. I mean sure would I have loved someone to play with? Yeah but I feel like I didn't miss a single thing. I had my parents and they were all I needed." I feel her paint my eyelids and I allow myself to smile. "Did you know that a month before they died they asked if I wanted a brother or sister? I said that I had all I could ever need."
"They asked you? You sure she wasn't already pregnant?" And with that my eyes burst open. "Kate! Now I have to start all over!"
"What do you mean she was already pregnant? Do you think she was?" I scoot away from her and let her words fall into my every nook and cranny.
"I'm sure she wasn't. Now please let me finish your makeup." She goes to get closer but I just stand and push her away.
"I lost a brother or sister in that crash too? But, she would have told me. She would have told me right?" My lip begins to tremble and I watch Madison become concerned.
"Kate, I didn't mean to get you worried. I'm wrong so why listen to me? Really, you knew your mom, I didn't. She wouldn't have kept that from you." Madison inched her way closer but I bolted from my room and right to Martha.
"Katherine? What's wrong?" But she didn't question me needing a hug from her. "Honey. What happened?"
"Madison thinks that my mom might have been pregnant when she died. Do you think that is true? I mean she asked if I wanted a brother or sister and I said no. Was that her way of telling me she was already expecting?" I don't dare look up at her because her face may say what her mouth won't. However, the silence that follows tells me everything. I don't hold back my tears. I was able to grieve my parents but possibly losing a sibling, I haven't had the chance to grieve for them.
"Honey, that may not be true. But there is a way to find out if she was. That is if you want to." I wipe my tears away and allow myself to look in her eyes. "If you choose to read the autopsy report, you need to promise me that you can handle it. Think about it." She gives me a kiss on my head and sends me away to finish getting ready.
But I no longer want to wear a cute dress or have my hair all fixed with makeup on. Suddenly, I feel the need to be natural. I make a quick detour to the bathroom and wash all my makeup off. I brush out my hair and quickly braid it into pigtails. I know that when Madison sees me, she'll be mad but I don't worry about that.
"Kate! Your hair! Your makeup! Why?!" She drops the eye shadow case onto the floor and walks right up to me.
"Because I want to be myself. So if you don't mind, I'm gonna get ready by myself." I lead her out of my room and close the door on her pout.
I simply pull on my blue jean shorts and slide a white tank top on. But then I feel too bare so I grab a purple, plaid, shirt and roll up the sleeves. I leave it open and fish around in my closet for my cowboy boots. I shove my iPod into my backpack and sling it across my shoulders.
"Hey there, darlin'. How is the farm doing?" Rick thinks he is cute for using a southern accent on me and normally I would agree but with how I am feeling right now, I don't think I can agree.
I walk past him and head to the kitchen but just at the thought of food, I grow nauseous. But he doesn't stop even after we've sat down at the table. Madison is nervously chewing her toast and stealing glances my way. It was an accident that she said those things but she still said them. They can't be taken back nor can my rising panic within my stomach.
"What's wrong? Normally that would have made you laugh." He slides his chair closer to mine and begins to rub my back. "Are you ok?"
I am one more question away from breaking down again so I just let him rub my back. "We'll talk later."
"Is it the test? If it is, don't worry, I know you'll do great. You know that book like the back of your hand." He takes my hand in his and covers the top. "You do know the back of your hand right?" At that I can't help but smile. "There we go, that beautiful smile that I've grown to love."
"Thank you." I squeeze his hand and he lets me go. But the minute his palm falls from my back, I grow sad. I miss when his hands are not on me and that makes me nervous. I bite my lip and force a piece of toast to go down my throat.
"Katherine, please eat baby." Martha places orange juice in front of me but I lose all need to eat or drink. "Alexis! Come on honey! Breakfast is getting cold!" Martha shakes her head and keeps looking at the hallway, waiting for Alexis to come running through.
"I am sorry Kate. Please don't be mad at me all day. I take back what I said. I should have never opened my fat mouth." Madison tries to ease the pain but nothing will until I can read the autopsy report. That is if I want to.
"I know you are. I'm not mad at you Madison." I finish my piece of toast and gather my stuff and decide to wait outside. The fresh air makes me feel better and I try to calm my beating heartbeat down. I feel bad that Madison feels bad but I can't help it. Her words did hurt me and made me want to fall again but I refuse to let that happen.
"Hey, you got out of there pretty quickly. You want to tell me what's up?" Rick drops his bag at our feet and I lean into his shoulder.
"Madison said that my mom could have been pregnant when she died and that's because I said how my mom had asked a month before if I wanted a brother or sister. And now Martha said there is a way to find out but I don't know if I'm ready for that. And there is so much going on that I've been trying to do too many things." I let him wrap his arm around me and I let him kiss my head.
"It's okay to be overwhelmed. And as far as finding out if your mom was pregnant or not, do you really want to do that?"
"What do you mean? Of course I want to find out if I lost someone else." I look at him strangely and let him figure things out for the both of us.
"What I mean is, can you handle it? I'm not saying that you aren't strong, I am just saying that you might not be emotionally prepared to find that out. And in order to find that out, don't you have to read the autopsy report?"
"Yeah but, I need to know. I have to find out but how can I ever be ready? I won't be so I just need to get it over with. But, when I go," I take his hand in mine, "will you come with me?"
"Do you even have to ask?" He kisses my forehead and I lean my head into his lips. "Kate, I would do anything for you, you know that."
"I do know that but sometimes, it's nice to hear." I check my phone and yank my backpack on. "Should we wait for Madison?" I look back at the front door and fight the urge to walk away.
"Let me say this, yes we should but do you want to?" He stands right by my side and I shake my head. "Then we go, she'll understand, or should I say she should." He grabs my hand in his and we begin our trek to school.
He tries to keep up conversation for both of us but I'm not in it. I want more than anything to be ok with not reading the report but I can't. I deserve to know if I lost someone else. I try to think back to the month before they died but I don't remember her being nauseous but she could have hid that from me. Would she have hid that from me? If she was protecting me in some way then yeah she could have hid it. I don't remember any weird cravings or her taking it extra easy. Did I really tune myself out about all this? Did I make her feel bad about not wanting a brother or sister? Did I do this? I can't control it anymore, I begin to softly cry.
"And well, I feel that. . . Kate? Are you ok?" He stops us and places his hands firmly on my shoulders and holds me still. "Are you crying over, well. . ."
"I can't help thinking about the fact that I might have lost a sibling. Someone that I could have watched after, someone else to love. A part of my mom and dad. I lost them and losing someone else all over again? I don't know if I can do it." I crumble into his arms and I don't feel like a baby over this. I let myself grieve all over again. I let myself be sad. I allow tears, I allow fear, I allow pain, and most of all, I allow Rick's love.
"Honey, it's okay to hurt. It's okay to cry but I know you. You are going to do this whether you think you can handle it or not. And I will be right by your side. It's not okay to have to hurt in the first place but you've earned these tears." He rubs my head and his arm tightens around my waist.
He is right but that doesn't stop me from feeling everything. I feel the impact of the crash in my heart and I let out a crackly cry. I know that I will be reading the autopsy report and I know that I won't ever be the same. So much has happened, and I've changed so much and that realization feels good. But who will I be after reading it? Will it destroy me? Will I let it? There are too many questions to worry about and that reminds me of the test.
"Rick, we need to get to school." I don't let him go neither does he. "I'm serious. We can't fail that test." I squeeze once more and both of us slowly lets go of the other.
"What do you say to blowing off school today?" His words surprise me and his arched eyebrow draws me in to his scheming ways. "I'm serious, you need a break and I will be happy to give it to you. What do you say?" He pulls my hand into his and I want so badly to ditch but I think of Martha. "Don't worry about mom. She'll understand." He winks and that is all that it takes.
"Let's go. I'm so over this." I take his hand back in mine and I ditch. But the thing is, it feels good to let one thing off my shoulders. Will I hear about this from Martha? Oh defiantly but that doesn't bother me. I need time alone, well time alone with Rick. He is the only one who can save me when I fall and right now, I am skydiving in an endless sky. I watch him so effortlessly be happy and I envy him. I am a happy person but he lets happiness lead him through his troubles. I need a dose of that, I need a dose of him.
"First stop, the park. A little swing therapy. What do you say to a ride to Central Park my lady?" His cute accent and charm helped me to smile.
"I say let's do it. Normally I would be freaking out about ditching but I need this. I need to feel free about one thing in my life. Is that so bad? I mean sure Martha will be pissed as well as Jackson. And sure we probably will be grounded and the Hamptons might be taken away from us. Wait!" I grab his hand and stop him from hailing a cab. "Rick, I would like to go to the Hamptons. What if we get grounded and I can't go?" He looked at me as if I was clueless and that deserved a smack on the arm.
"Hey! What was that for?" I watched him rub his shoulder.
"For looking at me like I was clueless." I crossed my arms and gave him my sassy look.
"Adorable. But Martha won't take the Hamptons away from you. She does it every year so we're good. The worst she could do is ground us when we get back. I'm not worried are you?" He waited for my response and once I shook my head no, he went right back to hailing us a cab. He caught one more look my way just as a cab pulled up to the curb. "It will be ok, ok?"
"Yeah. You're right."
And he was, the swings were just what I needed. As I was pumping my legs I thought about my mom and dad. Even though Rick was talking to me, I felt bad that my mind was elsewhere. I kept going back to the month before they died. Had I really missed something? I remember my mom just a little bit happy that morning, her last. She ripped open an envelope and hugged my dad. Were they test results? Was the surprise they were bringing home, news about a baby? I will never know what their last thought was or their last wish was or their last prayer. I missed out on them taking me to get my license and I missed out talking to my mom about boys. I watched Rick's mouth move and smiled.
I had him no matter what. He loved me in a way that can only be reserved for a very select few. He caught me staring and smiled at me. Just as the half grin rose up his cheek, I felt something stir within me. I knew that it was a greater feeling. Almost like a wave of peace washed over me. I felt new. I couldn't handle the sudden impact of calmness that bathed me so I stopped swinging and jumped off mid air.
My knees landed against the grainy ground and I felt someone landing next to me. I washed my clothes off of any grainy sand and pulled Rick up with me. I knew at that moment what I had to do. Something I have never done. Something that could affect the way I feel about things. I needed that peace to radiate in me all the time.
"I want to read the report. Now." He nodded and we slung our backpacks on our shoulders once more before heading back to hailing a cab. All the while waiting, I felt scared. It was understandable but I didn't like the need of someone to comfort me. But with just the grabbing of his hand, I felt ok about the comforting concept.
As I headed back to meet with Dr. Perlmutter my stomach twisted into a series of gut wrenching knots. I gripped Rick's hand so tightly that I was sure that I was cutting off circulation. But he just squeezed right back, securing me in the present. I took a deep breath before knocking on his door and with his "Come in.", I was falling down.
"Thank you for having me Dr. Perlmutter." He ushered for me to sit down and when he handed me the manila folder, it forced me to let Rick's hand go.
"Before you open this Ms. Beckett, you should know that I never do this. But when we talked on the phone, I could understand the pain you must be feeling. It's okay if you change your mind. Do you still want to read this?"
I stared down at the folder in my hand and knew that I couldn't stop now. "Yes. I need to." He nodded and left me and Rick to read it in private. I scrolled down past all the information about the wounds and stopped at what I wanted to see, or should I say didn't want to see.
PREGNANT was stamped in his letters and the folder dropped from my hand. My stomach wretched and I dry heaved. There was nothing in me to throw up but I still felt bile rise up the back of my throat. I didn't want to know more about what my mom went through, that was enough. I ran to his adjoining bathroom and hurled my saliva into the toilet. I gripped my stomach from the emptiness and I let my tears fall into my mouth and on my shirt.
I leaned back against the wall and curled myself in. I held my legs to my chest so tightly I began to feel pain. I relished in the fact that I could feel pain, that meant I wasn't passing out. My head became foggy and my heart had little poking pain finding it's way throughout. My muscles ached with every cry that escaped my lips.
"Kate?" Rick's light knock on the door startles me. "Are you ok? Please let me in."
I can't form actual words but I hope he just comes in anyway because I didn't lock the door and I really need him to come in. I hear the door push open and he runs to me. He falls to his knees and lifts me into his arms. I fall once more into him and I don't hold back.
"I'm so sorry. I can't believe what you must be going through. Please don't hurt so much. I want to help you. How can I help you?"
"No one can. She was pregnant and she didn't tell me. She didn't tell me because I said I didn't want them. But now, I miss them. I didn't get to know them. He took my entire family away from me. I can't lose anyone else! I just can't!" My chest is empty and the hollowness rings like a silent alarm and I am so fed up with crying and hurting and pain. The pain is the worst. I am so numb but the numbness is worse than any pain. I don't know how to feel anymore, I am just so tired. I feel lightheaded and I let the blackness take me under.
"Are you sure she is ok?" I hear faint sounds and my eyelids are too heavy to lift so I just quietly listen.
"I am sure. Just dehydrated. I want her to stay overnight until we can make sure she has enough fluids and if she has a problem with keeping up in drinking, I suggest watch her. Make sure she drinks. Monitor her for awhile just to be safe. And as soon as she isn't groggy anymore, let's try to get her to eat something."
I assume that must be the doctor talking to Martha and when she sweeps back into the room, I smell her perfume. She quietly sits at my side and with the sterile smell working its way to my nose, I know I am in a hospital. But the last thing I remember was crying after finding out my mom was pregnant when she died and falling into Rick.
"I'm sorry mom, I just wanted her to be at peace, I was hoping that Johanna wasn't pregnant." Rick read her file, I can't be mad at him but I feel like he should have asked me first.
"Don't blame yourself Richard. It will all be ok. And once she is feeling better, we'll talk about ditching. However, once we get home, you're gonna hear it."
"Yeah I expected that. When can she come home?" Rick's pleading voice makes my heart feel once more.
"Tomorrow morning. I think we will put off the shopping trip till Sunday, give her time to recuperate. But no one is allowed to stay overnight but you watch me fight that one." Martha's fiery spirit makes me want to smile but I have no energy to do anything at the moment.
"Mommy? Can I stay with sissy?" Alexis pads over and I can feel her being lifted onto the end of my bed.
"Everyone will be going home in a few moments. I am staying whether they like it or not. So, say your goodbyes and I'll keep you updated." Martha moved her chair across the linoleum and I let it ring in my ears.
"Bye sissy." Alexis planted a big wet one on my cheek and then slid off the bed.
"Hang in there kiddo, I'll come get you tomorrow." Jackson kissed my forehead and then I felt Rick.
I can sense him the way I can't with others. "Kate? I need you." He leaned in and whispered into my ear, "I love you and need you like I have never before. Please don't go."
Before he pulled away I whispered back, "I need you too."