This fanfic contains a lot of swearing, smoking, violence and various other mature themes.
All characters are the property of Rebecca Sugar and Cartoon Network, except for Erica and Parker.
This fanfic is written from the perspective of E. K. Brooks.
Chapter 21: CakeA text woke me up the next morning. I untangled myself from the blankets and located my phone.
'Hey! Do U guys wanna hang out w me & Connie 2day? :D:D:D' – from Steven 09:34.
I smiled and stretched and realized how sore I was, everywhere. My smile broadened and I sniggered as I remembered why.
I crept back to Jasper and lay down next to her.
"Hey…" I stroked her cheek softly and she opened her eyes. "Good morning, beastie"
She grinned and said; "Good morning, monster" in a hoarse voice.
"Steven just texted and asked if we'd like to hang out with him and Connie today. Maybe we could make a cake. What do you say?"
"Mm… Is Connie the friend he keeps talking about?" she asked me muzzily.
"Yeah"
Jasper thought for a moment. "You had me at cake" she said and pulled me close. As our lips met a pleasant shiver flew through my body, but it also set off some of the aches from the night before.
"Ohhh" I hissed as we parted. She looked at me questioningly. "I'm sore from yesterday" I grinned.
"You were the one getting fancy with the teeth" she chuckled.
"I was holding back" I said with a smirk. It was true, I had held back.
"Hah!" she laughed. "You are a monster" I joined in her laughter and kissed her again.
"Mhm… I'm gonna go jump in the shower" I said, stroking her cheek again before getting to my feet.
I heard her chuckle throatily from behind me and I looked back at her.
"What?"
"Can't a gem enjoy the view?" she grinned up at me.
"Oh, you are a beast!" I sniggered before walking super model style towards the stairs. I answered Steven's text before stepping into the shower stall.
'Yaaas! How about we make a cake? J' – from Erica 09:54.
The warm water was soothing on my aching body and I stood under the warm spray for at least twenty minutes, singing an assortment of songs, trying to work in some overtones. It worked sometimes, especially on the drawn out bits.
When I exited the shower and dried myself off I noticed Steven had texted me back.
'Yay cake XD C U Urs 1?' – from Steven 10:13.
I texted back an 'OK! See you then J' and headed downstairs. Jasper was making waffles. I kissed her on the arm, making her grin. I put on some coffee and went to have a cigarette on the patio, enjoying being naked in the warm morning sunlight.
Jasper joined me after a few minutes with the leaning tower of waffles that seemed to have become her favorite breakfast. She had also brought me a cup of coffee, which I had completely forgotten about.
"Thanks beastie" I said and patted her on the thigh. "What kind of cake do you want to make?"
"There's more than one kind?!" she asked, a look of disbelief on her face.
"Yes!" I laughed "All sorts! Chocolate cake, cheese cake, sponge cake, fruit cake… Hang on"
I went to get my laptop and image searched for cakes.
"Oh! That one!" she said excitedly and pointed at a picture of a birthday cake with strawberries and sprinkles on top. I clicked the picture and it led me to a site with a recipe.
"We have to go to the store, I don't think we have any of the ingredients" I mumbled as I tapped the list into my phone. I left Jasper on the patio and went to put on clothes and make myself some sandwiches.
At around eleven we stepped outside and headed for the grocery store. People looked at Jasper as we walked, but she didn't seem to notice.
"This building has cake parts?" she asked as we entered through the sliding doors.
"Yeah" I smiled at the way she phrased herself "It's a grocery store. We take a one of these, put in the stuff we want to get and then pay for it all at the register" I said, grabbing a cart. We entered the produce isle and Jasper stared.
"This is all for cake?"
"No" I giggled "You can buy all sorts of food here, some of it can be used to make cake. These are fruits and vegetables. Look, they have the names and the prices on the little tags under the boxes. We need some strawberries and a lemon" Jasper had to squat down to see the stickers. A burst of happiness flooded my chest and I smiled broadly at her fascinated looking face.
I waited by the cart for her to explore the isle.
"Strawberries" she read aloud and I walked up to her. I studied the different little cardboard containers until I found one that looked good. I picked it up and sniffed at them.
"Why do you smell them?" she asked. I held the carton out to her and she sniffed at them too.
"You can tell if they are fresh and if they are ripe by looking at and smelling them. There are some fruits that you can touch with your hands before buying, but berries like these are delicate" I picked up a different container and took a whiff. "Ah, this other one is better" I handed it to Jasper to smell too.
"That one smelled less sweet" she supplied.
"Yes, this one is fresher than the first one, the berries will be crisper. The more pungent the smell, the riper it is. It's better to buy them before they get really ripe, because the riper they are the more delicate they are and the faster they'll go bad"
"Go bad?" she asked.
"Yeah, organic matter decays very fast" she looked a bit panicked, as if I was talking minutes. "It takes days for it to happen to fresh food like this" I reassured her. "A lot of foods have best-before-dates that tells you how long it will last. Some foods last for years"
I picked up a lemon. "This you can touch, it's got a tough skin on the outside. Just don't squeeze it too hard" she took it from my hand very carefully and sniffed at it.
"This smells a lot less" she said.
"Yeah. You can tell the freshness of it by looking and sometimes squeezing it. They should be intensely yellow and very firm. We only need the skin for the recipe, but lemon juice is nice on a lot of other foods or in drinks"
We put the berries and the lemon in the cart.
"Do you want to look around some more?" I asked and she nodded. She walked around for a minute, looking closely at all the different kinds of produce.
"Can we get one of these? They look funny"
Jasper was pointing at a pineapple and grinning.
"Sure" I said with a smile. "If there's anything you want to try, just put it in the cart"
We moved to the baked good isle and Jasper pointed out some donuts.
"Is this where you got the donuts from?" she asked me curiously.
"No, the ones I got were from the Big Donut, it's a café on the boardwalk. These will taste differently I think"
"Why? Are they not donuts?"
"They are, but different places create different tasting donuts. Wanna try some of these?"
She nodded and picked some out and put them in a bag.
We proceeded through the store and picked up the ingredients for the cake and some random things she found interesting. Jasper was being totally adorable and asking me a bunch of questions.
I made a stop in the feminine hygiene isle and I was relieved to find my brand of pads.
"What's that?" Jasper asked me.
"Pads" I answered "for when my body will celebrate me not being pregnant again"
"But what are they for? Can you eat them?"
I snorted with laughter. "No, you can't eat them. I'll tell you when we get home, ok?"
"Alright" she said, looking a little disappointed. It didn't last for long however because we found the snack isle round the next corner.
When we got to the check out, the greasy looking teenager glanced up at Jasper with wide eyes before wringing us up. Apart from the donuts, the pineapple, the cake ingredients, my pads and a huge bar of dark chocolate, Jasper had added a bag of Doritos, a neon green soda, some baby food, a tube of toothpaste, some crackers, a can of meatballs in cream sauce, a jar of pickles and a bucket of pink marshmallow fluff.
We packed it all into bags which Jasper carried with ease. I had a smoke on the way back to the house.
It was a little past twelve when we stepped through the door. We proceeded to put the stuff away in the cupboards and fridge, Jasper opening the jar of pickles and trying one.
"Hmm…" she said as she chewed. "What is this again?"
"It's a pickled cucumber, a vegetable" I said, rubbing my belly. It was hurting, but it couldn't be time yet? How long had it been since the last one? I checked my phone, but I hadn't written it down when I was on the island. Shit. I grabbed the pads off the counter and went to the bathroom.
Apparently I was early this month. I sighed and un-wrapped a pad. The pain increased quickly and I hurried to take some painkillers, hoping it wouldn't get too bad before they kicked in. I glanced at the clock in the kitchen. It was 12:17; too late to cancel with Steven and Connie. My face must have shown some of what was going on inside me, because Jasper asked;
"Babe, what's wrong?"
My eyes teared up as the pain flared suddenly. I grabbed the sink for support.
"Babe?" Jasper asked again, concern in her voice. Suddenly she was at my side.
I clutched my stomach and tried to breathe through it.
"Has the celebration started?" she asked and I nodded, not able to speak.
She placed her hand on my stomach and heated it. I panted as the warmth battled my raging uterus. After an eternity the pain lessened. My hand shook on the metal counter top.
"Can we go lay down?" I asked through clenched teeth. We moved into the living room. I lay on my side and she spooned me, reapplying her hand to my lower abdomen.
"This can't be normal, Erica" she mumbled worriedly in my ear.
I blew out a breath through my nose. "It is normal… It's healthy even. Not the amount of pain, but the fact that it's happening at all is a sign of good health" I said exasperatedly.
"What? That sounds stupid"
"I wouldn't mind if it wasn't so fucking" I gritted my teeth as the pain mounted again and hissed; "painful!"
Jasper kissed my neck and snuggled closer to me. "Can't you stop it?"
"Hah! Not unless I want to take extreme measures… There are ways of controlling it all; medication to do this and that and the other thing, but the side effects can be disastrous for me because of my medical history"
"What do you mean?" she asked, sounding alarmed.
"Basically I have a choice between this pain and a not insignificant possibility of dying. With those odds I'll take the pain and" I curled up around her hand as the pain peaked again and panted; "live!"
"But why is this happening?"
"It's called a period, it's the stupid fucking reproductive cycle. Once a month an egg is released from an ovary and travels to the uterus through a fallopian tube. If the egg is fertilized it will attach to the wall of the uterus and it might make a baby, but if it's not then the lining of the uterus is shed through the vagina. That's what the pads are for, to catch the blood so it won't get all over the fucking place"
"There's bleeding involved?!" she asked intensely and I felt her body stiffen against my back.
"Yes, but it's a finite amount of blood. I'm not – "another wave hit "bleeding out! Even though it feels that way sometimes" she relaxed a little.
"I'm going to be just fine; it just sucks ginormous donkey balls until the painkillers kick in, which they'll do soon" I panted.
"Do they make it go away?"
"No, but they take the edge off so you can fucking – function" I hissed, pressing her hand against my stomach.
"Does this really happen to all human females?" she asked incredulously.
"Those who are healthy and have the organs required and remain within the right age range, yes. But the pain varies from person to person. Some don't get any at all, the little shits" she chuckled in my ear. "Sometimes it helps if I rub it a little…" she started to massage my stomach gently. The soft motions combined with the heat soothed my body and soon the ache was down to a manageable level. It was so wonderful to lie like that though, I didn't want to move.
"How are you feeling?" she asked me after a few minutes.
"Much better…" I said quietly "Thank you, darling…"
"Any excuse to hold you like this, babe…" she whispered and kissed my neck.
"Oh, you…" her words made me feel so protected, so secure, so not alone. I hugged her hand closer and sighed happily as more pain left my body.
We lay there a blissful ten or fifteen minutes, me almost drifting off to sleep. Then there was a knock on the front door.
"I forgot they were coming" Jasper said surprised "Should I ask them to go away?"
"No, it's fine. It's on a manageable level now" I responded and sat up, even though I'd really like to spend the rest of the day sleeping in Jasper's warm embrace.
"Could you get the door?" I asked her and she rose to her feet. It took much longer for me to get off the floor. I felt drained and tired and not at all like spending time with anyone. But both Steven and Connie were so sweet. Maybe their presence would distract me from the pain. Oh and then there was the cake. I smiled to myself. This was going to be fine.
Jasper opened the door and Steven rushed inside saying; "Hi Jasper! Hi Erica!"
Connie walked in more cautiously.
"H-hi Jasper, n-nice to meet you. My name is Connie" she held up her hand to Jasper. Jasper looked a little taken aback and glanced over at me. I nodded encouragingly at her and she shook Connie's small hand very carefully.
"Nice to meet you too, Connie" Jasper rasped and I could see Connie's eyes widen slightly.
"Are you guys thirsty?" I asked to break the tension.
"I could use a drink" Connie said quickly and walked into the kitchen. Jasper looked a bit down cast as she closed the door. I was torn on who to see to first. "There's soda in the fridge, help yourselves. Don't take the neon green one though" they dashed over to pick out drinks.
I walked over to Jasper and whispered;
"What's wrong darling?"
"She… she looked scared of me…" she confided in a murmur. Her expression tugged at my heart strings and I felt my eyes moisten.
"Oh, darling… She's nervous. It'll be OK" I said reassuringly and gave her a hug, stroking her back.
"What kind of cake are we making?" Steven asked excitedly and I answered;
"Birthday cake" this made Steven's mouth drop open.
"Who's birthday is it?" he asked.
I chuckled and said; "It's no one's birthday, we're just making a birthday cake. Jasper picked it out" I smiled fondly at her. I saw her cheeks take on a rosy tint as she grinned.
Steven laughed and Connie giggled at this. 'Good' I thought as the tension in the room dropped.
"OK, everybody wash their hands and we can get started" I said.
We pulled out all the ingredients and the recipe, turning the oven on so it'd be warm enough for when we needed it.
"Alright – who wants to measure the sugar?" I asked and Steven put his arm up shouting "Me!"
We alternated adding ingredients to the big mixing bowl. When we got to the eggs it was Jasper's turn.
"Connie, how many eggs does it say we need?" Steven asked.
"Um… Three!" she responded and handed the egg carton to Jasper with a shy smile. This made Jasper perk up. Her big hands opened the lid and she stared down at the brown eggs for a few seconds, then looked questioningly at me. I was about to speak when Connie picked an egg up and said;
"They're really fragile, so be careful. Look" she demonstrated how to crack the egg and put it in a separate bowl. Jasper gingerly took an egg out and very carefully mimicked Connie. The egg cracked in two perfect halves and fell into the bowl.
"Whoa…" Steven breathed. I smiled broadly at all of it. It was too damn cute!
"Egg-cellent!" Connie said to Jasper with a huge smile. "We need one more!"
Jasper concentrated very hard and managed to repeat the impressive feat. When she was done she beamed. Steven and Connie took turns stirring everything together, switching when their arms got tired. I walked up to Jasper and kissed her on the cheek.
My uterus decided it was time for another quick round of 'let's fuck with Erica' and I stiffened against her. She looked down at me.
"I thought you said it was better?" she said as she put her arm around me.
"It'll pass just… give me a minute" I said quietly. After about thirty seconds my uterus unclenched and I breathed a sigh of relief.
"I think the batter is done you guys" Steven said and they turned around.
"Great!" I said, trying to smile naturally. "Let's… let's put it in the oven and start on the frosting, shall we?"
The two of them jumped to it and I put the kettle on. Jasper gave me a questioning look and I nodded to her that I was fine. I filled the hot water bottle and held it close to my body, sitting down at the table where Connie and Steven were grating the lemon skin. I put on a timer for the cake. I looked at the three of them fondly as they made the frosting. It was almost like having my own little family…
"Steven, I challenge you to a lemon duel!" Connie said dramatically.
"En garde!" Steven responded and picked up a slice of lemon. They both bit into a piece at the same time, trying hard not to scrunch their faces up. After a few seconds Steven faltered and hissed "So sourrrr!" and the two of them started laughing.
"You wanna try it Jasper?" Steven asked eagerly.
Jasper picked up a lemon wedge and put it whole into her mouth before I could warn her. Her face contorted fantastically and we burst out laughing, Jasper joining in after a few seconds.
"Ugh, that was terrible!" Jasper said grinning. "Babe, I thought you said this was good?" Steven and Connie exchanged a smirk.
"It is good in small amounts! You're not supposed to eat the rind, it's really bitter"
"Yeah thanks I noticed. Your turn" she grinned and held up a lemon wedge to my mouth. I giggled and took a bite, not even trying to keep my face still.
"And Connie is the winner!" Steven exclaimed and Connie stood up and took a bow.
My phone beeped and Steven took the cake out of the oven.
"It needs to cool a bit before we can put the frosting and strawberries on. I'm gonna go have a smoke on the patio"
I stood up and made my way outside, putting on some music as I went. I slumped down in the couch and lit a cigarette. The sky was strewn with high feathery clouds and a few gulls circled over me. The cicadas sung in the grass and the sound of Lake's 'Mother Nature's Promise' started streaming from the speaker on my phone. I huffed at the timing. That song had a very long intro. I sang along when the lyrics started. Half way through the song the pain intensified again and I pulled my legs up to my chest, groaning.
"Are you OK?" I hadn't heard Connie approaching. She sat down next to me on the couch, wearing an anxious expression.
"I'll be fine" I said, straightening up a little, despite the extra pain it caused. I tried to smile naturally. It felt like it would be highly inappropriate to tell this young girl what was going on. I had no idea of what she knew or didn't know about the subject.
"I like this song, who's it by?" she asked as the current one ended and the next one began. With the new song came relief.
"It's an indie band called 'Lake'; I can send you a tubetube link if you want. They're a bit difficult to find, because there is another band called Lake that is more well-known"
"That'd be really cool, thank you" she said with a shy smile.
I stubbed out my cigarette and we went back inside.
"We started cleaning the strawberries" Steven beamed at me.
"That's awesome, thanks guys" I smiled. "Think the cake's cool enough yet?"
I picked it up and put it in the middle of the table. Steven and Connie covered it in frosting and Jasper placed the strawberries and I had the honor of putting the sprinkles on top.
"Let's take a picture!" Steven suggested and we all crowded together, Steven holding the phone and Connie the cake. Jasper and I hunched down behind them. "Say cheese!"
"Cheese!" we all said together.
"Can you send that to me, Steven?" I asked and Connie said "To me too!"
Steven did so, saying; "I'm sending one to my dad too! He's gonna be so jealous!"
"It almost looks too good to eat, doesn't it?" Connie said.
"We did a good job" Jasper supplied and smiled down at all of us. I grabbed a knife.
"The first piece goes to the winner of the lemon duel!"
Connie held out a plate and said; "Thank you!"
I cut slices for all of us and then we went outside to taste it, but I had forgotten forks.
"Ah, fff-screw it, let's eat with our hands" I suggested and grabbed my slice and taking a big bite. Steven and Connie laughed. I knew I must be covered in frosting and sprinkles, but played along by going; "What are you laughing at? Is there something on my face?" I put the cake down and wiped my mouth with my frosting covered hand, thereby making a bigger mess. Jasper joined in laughing too at this point.
"I never get to eat with my hands at home" Connie said with sparkling eyes. She grabbed a fistful of cake and crammed it into her mouth with every sign of enjoyment. Steven mimicked her and soon they were snickering at each other's messy faces.
"We've gotta take a picture like this you guys!" Steven suggested excitedly. We all crowded together again.
Connie and Steven continued to take 'cake face' pictures and laughing. Jasper wiped some frosting off my cheek with her thumb and then put it in her mouth.
"Tastes even better with a bit of you" she whispered with a glint in her eye. She pulled me in for a long, tender kiss. When we resurfaced for air, there was no more laughing or sounds of pictures being taken. I turned my head to see Steven beaming at us with a big smile and stars in his eyes.
"Aww, you guuuys!" then he gasped and said "Jasica!" in a loud voice.
Who on earth was Jessica?
"If you guys fuse your name would be Jasica!" he was trembling with excitement as if he had just made a great discovery. Suddenly I felt cold.
Jasper and I looked at each other. A slightly strained grin spread across her face.
"Gems can't fuse with humans, Steven" she said matter-of-factly.
"Sure they can! Me and Connie have" Connie nodded emphatically.
Jasper looked thunderstruck. "What? You can't be serious"
"It's true" Connie confirmed happily. "Together we're Stevonnie!"
So it was her Steven had fused with. When I talked to Garnet she said he had been able to fuse with a human, but she hadn't said who.
Jasper turned to me with a strange look on her face. A chill ran down my spine as I saw the mounting panic in her eyes. As if on cue, my uterus twisted into a tight leaden lump and I felt my knees want to give way. It was too much all at once and I gasped for breath.
"Steven, Connie… I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have to ask you to leave now" I forced out, my brimming eyes locked onto Jaspers, who now looked through me.
"But –" Steven said, sounding confused.
"Please, I really don't feel well and have to lie down" I groaned and clutched my lower stomach, eyes leaving Jaspers to meet Steven's confused and hurt looking face, then moving on to Connie's. I knew she knew what was happening to me as her gaze snapped down to my midriff and then back up.
"Steven" she said seriously "We should go. Thank you so much for inviting us over. Hope you feel better soon" she said politely and grabbed Steven's arm.
"Huh? But… Connie?" Steven sputtered, sounding even more confused.
"Come on Steven" she tugged at him to get him to move.
"Uh… Bye" he said sadly as he was dragged away.
I knew he was hurt by this, Connie too, even though she understood more than Steven. If it was 'just' cramps, I'd be able to handle it. I'd deal with the two of them later. The important thing now was Jasper. She was still looking in the same direction. As soon as I heard the front door shut, I spoke;
"Darling?"
She didn't react. My stomach convulsed, but it could go fuck off right now. I was pretty sure she was dissociating or having some sort of flashback. I didn't dare touch her for fear of scaring her and sending her deeper down the rabbit hole. I would just have to wait for her to resurface on her own.
It must have been the talk about fusions that triggered her. I was insanely curious about fusions and the possibility of me being part of one, but Jasper's mental well-being was way more important.
"I'm right here" I said aloud "right here…"
I lay down on the sparse grass to try to ease the pain. I began to sing The Rains of Castamere to myself, hoping it'd guide Jasper back to the present. After what felt like an hour, but must in reality only have been a few minutes, her eyes flickered and she swayed. I sat up.
"Darling?" I asked carefully.
She shook her head as if to clear it. Then she looked down at me.
"Babe?" she looked confused "Why are you on the ground?"
I felt my lower lip quiver and I started to cry. I was so relieved she was back! She knelt down in front of me.
"Is it hurting again?" She looked round. "Where are Steven and Connie?"
"Can we please go lay down?" I asked.
She helped me to my feet and we lay down in the living room, spooning. Her warm hand reached under my shirt and I sighed as the pain ebbed.
"I asked them to leave" I began softly "They talked about fusion and you went somewhere else in your head. I didn't think you'd want them there when you came back from… wherever. The pain escalated just as you drifted off and I think Connie thinks I asked them to leave because of it. Well, I said I wasn't feeling well and needed to go lay down…"
Jasper was quiet for a moment before saying; "I was back in Malachite…"
I turned over so I could look her in the face. She looked distraught. I hugged her head to my chest, stroking her hair. She pulled me closer.
"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked softly. She sighed.
"It was so dark…" she began "The pressure was unbearable; I was being crushed from every side… There were so many thoughts, so many conflicting desires. I wanted to get free, but I knew we couldn't be free. We should never be free. I, she was an abomination. We were an abomination. I was and I wasn't, and then she was and wasn't. Then we were everything, and then we were nothing… Sometimes, when I was me, I could feel what it felt like to be Lapis. She was so… hurt, so alone, so determined. Everyone had used her for their own means… I had used her…"
I kept stroking her hair, listening and trying to understand.
"I had no idea anyone could feel so much all at once. There was both pride and anguish at her plan working out. Confusion about how this had all happened, why everything had changed. The sorrow of losing all that she was because of one stupid mistake. She had no control and yet she did. And her rage… It was staggering… She hurt me"
Her words were disjointed as if she was jumping from thought to thought. I felt tears falling on my chest and I held her tightly.
She took a deep breath.
"They talked about it like it was a good thing…"
"Steven and Connie?"
"Yeah… "
"Maybe to them, fusion is a good thing" I suggested.
Jasper looked up at me.
"I don't know a lot about fusion… But from what you and Garnet told me – " she stiffened against me.
"You talked to Garnet about fusion? When?"
"Yesterday. We met on the beach and I saw she had two gems, so I asked if she was a fusion. She said yes and that all fusions are different, that the stability and powers of the fusion depend on the feelings of those who fuse. So I figure… if you fuse with someone you are friends with, like Steven and Connie, I'm guessing they would have a good time"
She looked confused and… hurt?
"Darling… I know being in Malachite was a complete and utter nightmare…" I said, not wanting her to think I was being dismissive of her feelings.
"It was… until it wasn't…" she said quietly. Now her eyes showed… shame?
"When I took over control, when we were free… I was, we were… so powerful. It felt… amazing… We could fly"
I was surprised, and then saw more tears sliding down her face.
"I would have been shattered if we had been on home world! Lapis too… It's the crime of crimes, fusing with a different gem type. An abomination… So how could it feel good?"
"Hey…" I stroked her cheek and thought intensely. She was feeling guilty about fusing with Lapis, about enjoying (at least to some extent) something that was so forbidden. But how could it be so wrong if the rebels did it all the time? Steven and Connie were the best kids I'd ever met; they wouldn't do something that was horrible. And Garnet… what was it she said? She embodied Ruby and Sapphire's love for each other. And that a fusion is what the partners bring into it… If fusion was ok, no matter which gems did it, then Jasper wouldn't have to feel guilty about it, right?
"Maybe it felt so bad in the beginning because you were separate inside Malachite, struggling for control. She tortured you…" I kissed her forehead "I'm so sorry, darling…"
I paused.
"Maybe, when you were Malachite, when you weren't separate, it felt good because it's… supposed to feel that way?" I said a bit hesitantly.
"But it's a horrible crime" she argued. She seemed to only focus on the fact that they fused, not how Lapis had treated her. Maybe it was too painful to touch right now… I decided to take my cue from her.
"On home world" I said back, calmly.
"Huh?"
"It's a horrible crime on home world, but not on earth. If it was a crime here, Steven would never dare say the Jessica-thing, or admit he and Connie had fused. And maybe it's not a crime here because fusion is just… fusion, no matter who it's between…"
Jasper was silent for quite some time.
"But if it's not an abominable act, why would the Diamonds say it is?" she asked.
"Well, I don't know… There could be all sorts of reasons. Maybe it's to keep everyone in line. Maybe different type gem fusions are more powerful than same gem fusions - that would challenge the hierarchy. Totalitarian leaders want stability, and a great way to keep people in line is by keeping them scared…"
She huffed as if the idea was ludicrous, but then looked thoughtful. "You might have a point there…" she admitted. "It wouldn't be the first thing they lied about…" she mumbled bitterly and then sighed. I felt her body relax against mine.
"Secrets and lies…" she sighed deeper this time and snuggled closer to my neck. My chest flooded with warmth at this little gesture. "What else have the Diamonds kept from us?" she wondered aloud.
We were quiet for a while. My mind wandered back to Malachite. If they had been able to feel what it was like to be each other, what had Lapis felt from Jasper? I felt anger swirl in the pit of my stomach. Lapis had hurt Jasper…
"Is there any cake left?" Jasper asked out of the blue, breaking me out of my thoughts.
"Y-yeah, I think so…" I said. I couldn't help but worry. Would she always react like that when fusion was mentioned? Even if she accepted the rebel's way of looking at it, the trauma of being inside Malachite was still a trauma. And what would happen if she ever ran into Lapis again? Would they try to kill each other?
"What would happen if you saw Lapis again?" I asked quietly.
"I… honestly don't know…" she murmured. "Before, she was just some brat, a nuisance I had to deal with. But now… I know what it feels like to be her and… I'm angry at her for trapping me and keeping me prisoner for months, but at the same time I feel as if I understand why she did it…"
I kissed her on the forehead and she sighed.
"What do you think about Malachite?" she asked me tentatively.
"Hmm… I don't know. It's hard for me to understand exactly what you went through, but I know it was traumatic. Thinking of you trapped and tortured…" I felt tears running down my cheek "It hurts because I care for you…" she removed her head from my chest and leaned on her elbow.
"It hurts you when I talk about Malachite?" she asked, looking hurt and guilty.
"No… listen. My mind always does this. I always try to picture what everyone is saying, from their point of view and my own, if they differ. Like a story or a movie. When people tell me about things that happened to them, I can picture what it must have felt like – not all of it of course, but a little. It helps me understand them better. It is a good thing, even when it makes me hurt. And the hurt isn't mine so it doesn't stay for long. I just have to let myself feel it – it's a part of me that I like… So please, don't be afraid to tell me things, darling…"
She looked at me uncertainly. "Are you sure?"
I sat up too and looked her in the eye. "Yes, Jasper" I said seriously and smiled warmly. She smiled back at me.
"I'm always willing to listen, beastie…" I murmured. "And I know how hard it can be to talk about dark times, so thank you for telling me"
"If it weren't for Malachite… I would never have met you…" she said quietly. I looked at her face and saw she was crying.
"Oh darling" I whispered and hugged her. I knew what she said was true. And I was so happy that we had met, I just wished it hadn't cost her so much.
"You saved me…" she whispered.
"You saved me too, beastie…" I whispered back.
The things that had happened on the island came back to me in a flash… Her tiredness, her cracked gem, the spider thing, the rubies, the shark… We had helped each other, saved each other. The more I got to know her, the more I cared for her. In the beginning she had been so angry, but now I felt as if I was seeing the real Jasper. Confident in herself, in her body, in her skills. She might come off as intimidating, but she had a soft heart, whether she liked to admit it or not.
"You want to have some more cake?" I asked her after we broke apart. We got up and went outside, me taking a new dose of painkillers on the way.
"How are you feeling?" I asked her as we snuggled on the couch, her warm hand on my stomach.
"Lighter, I think. I always thought talking about how you felt only made it worse, but… Talking to you about things… it's like you make it better, just by listening…" she said thoughtfully, and I felt so touched my eyes teared up.
"Oh, darling…" I wiped my cheeks.
"You make me feel… safe" she continued, looking down at me. My chest swelled with emotion.
"Secure…" I said, placing a hand over my heart.
And then both together "Protected…"
She smiled warmly at me, and I at her.
I reached out for her hand and brought it up to my mouth to kiss it before guiding it to my ear. We kept eye contact and I saw her eyebrows crease as if she was unsure. I dipped my chin slightly and her hand touched my skin. I watched her eyes fill with tears as her fingers gently explored the back of my head, tracing the outline of the scar and the uneven area of bone underneath. My skin tingled but didn't sear. This was the most intimate part of me and I trusted her with it, to see that realization dawn on her face filled me with such fierce joy.
"Oh, Erica…" she whispered, voice thick with emotion, tears making her eyes sparkle.
"I trust you, beastie…" I whispered back.
She lowered her hand to my neck before pulling me into a tender kiss. I ran my hands through her beautiful hair.
It was a little while later and we were preparing to make dinner, or rather, taking out all the things Jasper had wanted to try at the grocery store for a sort of buffet.
"Darling" I said, unscrewing the pickle jar. "I feel really bad for asking Steven and Connie to leave earlier. I mean, I wouldn't have wanted them here for when we talked but… I want to apologize, explain what happened…"
Jasper stood up after having located the pineapple in the fridge and looked at me with a small smile.
"What would you tell them?" she asked.
"Well, the truth… Or as much truth as you are comfortable with, darling. I don't you to feel… exposed" I said, rubbing the back of my head without realizing. "I mean, I could say something like 'fusion is a really sensitive subject for Jasper because of Malachite', if that's OK?"
"That's… fine. I don't really understand why you need to though?"
I sighed and put the pickles down.
"You didn't see their faces… They looked so hurt and confused. But in the moment, I knew I had to get them out because I couldn't deal with everything at once. If they stayed, there would be too many questions and feelings for me to handle… I could see that you were panicking, I wanted to give you the space and the time you needed. If another gem or Greg had been there, it would have been easier; they could have talked to Steven and Connie and explained things… But there wasn't so I did what I had to do to simplify things, and they got hurt in the process"
Jasper looked at me with surprise.
I could feel my eyes burning at the memory of Steven's face; so happy and excited one moment and so sad and confused the next.
"They didn't understand why everything suddenly changed. They shouldn't have to feel bad because I wasn't capable of handling it all at once… They're such great kids! And after Steven saved my life, he must feel I'm such an ungrateful dick…" I wiped my cheeks as tears of frustration fell.
"Babe…" Jasper said softly and enveloped me in a hug. "You're not a dick" she said softly "And I appreciate that you got them to leave. I don't think I'd have been able to talk if they were still here…"
"I know…" I mumbled.
"Do you want to go talk to them now?" she asked.
"Do you mind?"
"Babe, go" she said simply. I kissed her on the cheek.
I grabbed my phone and gulped down some more painkillers before darting out the door. I knew that Jasper and I had needed to be alone to be able to talk. And it had been such a great talk! And afterward, so sweet, so beautiful… Wonderful words, wonderful actions. I also knew that if I hadn't asked them to leave, it might have ended very differently… I don't think Jasper would become violent, but I'm sure the anger would have come out to try to protect her from showing how affected she had been by what they had said.
I lit a smoke as I walked quickly towards the temple. I was hoping that that's where they were, hoped Connie hadn't been picked up by her parents. I pulled out my phone and clicked Steven's number.
After five signals it connected.
"Steven's phone, Pearl speaking" her tone was icy. Oh. Fuck.
"H-hello Pearl, it's Erica… I-is Steven there?" I asked, trying to keep my voice steady.
I could hear Pearl walking and opening and closing a door.
"What happened?" she demanded. "Steven and Connie came to the temple looking so sad!"
I sighed "The very short version is, Steven saw me and Jasper kissing and said that if we were to fuse, our name would be Jessica or something. Then they kept talking about fusion, being all excited and I could see Jasper… She's sensitive about that subject, because of Malachite, you know? At the same time, ugh…" this was no time to be embarrassed! "My cramps suddenly got really bad and I asked them to leave – I couldn't handle all four of us being in crisis all at once, I was afraid they'd be scared if Jasper got angry and I'm sorry!" I rambled. "I knew I had really hurt their feelings… Steven's face… They didn't do anything wrong! I'm so sorry, but I didn't know what else to do…"
Pearl was so quiet I thought she had hung up on me, but then;
"I… see…" she said thoughtfully.
"I'm on my way over to apologize and explain. I really, really, really want to apologize…" it was harder and harder to keep my voice steady.
"How is… Jasper?" Pearl asked carefully.
"It was a difficult conversation, but she's fine" I wished I could just have told her everything.
"Oh my stars…" Pearl sighed.
"Would it be OK if I came over?" I asked as I reached the beach, stopping there and waiting for Pearl to respond.
"I suppose…" she said hesitantly.
"Thanks Pearl… I really appreciate it" my voice broke on the last word and I clamped my mouth shut not to sob in her ear.
"S-see you soon" she said and I responded with a "Mhm" before hanging up.
I trudged through the sand. Gods. This day. I wiped my face the best I could before climbing the stairs up to the house. I took a deep breath. I could see Pearl standing in the kitchen talking to Steven. Had Connie gone home? I knocked on the screen door.
Steven turned around and saw me. My hands rose and clutched my heart, my eyes brimming with tears for the five billionth time. His face… I let my tears fall.
"Steven, I'm so sorry" my voice was barely audible. I cleared my throat awkwardly and spoke again. "Steven, I'm so sorry! Can we please talk?"
He opened the door silently and let me in. Gods, this was so much harder than I thought. He walked over to the sofa and sat down, I followed. Connie was sitting in the corner, I hadn't been able to see her from the door.
"Steven, Connie… I'm so very sorry about before…" I wiped my eyes quickly and sat down on the edge of a seat. They looked at me. Connie looked sad, Steven's eyes were red rimmed. I looked at the floor, feeling ashamed.
"Jasper and I had only talked about fusion once before, back on the island. It was hard for her to speak about. I know that you guys view fusion very differently than home world does. When you talked about it, I saw how happy it made you and how proud you were. But the subject is very sensitive to Jasper, because of Malachite. I could see she was getting… upset. And then to make matters worse, my stomach started to hurt really badly. When I asked you guys to leave, I said it was because I wasn't feeling well, but I would have been able to put up with that. The real reason was because I was worried about Jasper… I felt overwhelmed. I couldn't help all four of us deal with what was happening… I knew it would hurt you to send you away without an explanation, but it was the fastest way to keep you safe and for me to try to help Jasper… You guys did absolutely nothing wrong! That's what I want you to know… You had no idea about Jasper and fusions… I had no idea she'd react like that, and neither did she… But I should have handled it better and I'm really, really sorry about that. The last thing I want is to hurt you guys. I'd had such a great time with you today; it was almost like I had my own little family – "I clapped my hand over my mouth and closed my eyes. Oh no… Why'd I have to say that aloud?
Something heavy fell in my lap and I gave an involuntary jerk, my eyes flying open. It was Lion. He had placed his giant head on my legs and let out a feline sigh. I glanced up at Steven and Connie and saw Pearl, Garnet and Amethyst standing behind them. I felt… trapped.
"Erica…" Steven said, and I looked at him. He was crying… and smiling? My eyes darted to Connie, she was wiping her eyes on her sleeve. I felt confused.
"We were afraid we had overstayed our welcome" Connie said quietly and I shook my head emphatically, feeling my throat constrict.
"We're sorry too…" Steven said "I just got so excited when I saw you guys together. I didn't think about how Jasper might feel about it at all… How is she?"
How could this young boy have such a big heart? "She's… fine. We talked about it and… she's fine" I said. I touched the back of my head again, feeling exposed.
"It means a lot that you came to explain" Steven said.
"Yeah" Connie agreed.
"H-how are you guys feeling?" I asked, trying to fight the need to go hide in a corner.
"I feel much better now… You care about us" Steven grinned. Connie nodded.
"Of course I do!" I blurted, then snapping my mouth shut again. "I was so happy you wanted to hang out today…" it was hard to breathe. I was getting overwhelmed by everything. There were too many people around, too many stares. I closed my eyes and tried to control my breathing.
"Steven, Connie. Could you give us a moment? We would like to talk to Erica" Garnet said in her calm voice.
I opened my eyes and looked around, my feelings of panic mounting. Steven and Connie got up and waved at me, smiling, before stepping outside. Steven called out for Lion to join them but the big cat stayed where he was. I was kind of hoping he'd leave, but he just flicked his ears. The gems came to sit down in the sofa. My hands were trembling.
"Erica" Pearl began, and I couldn't help but cringe a little "I think you did the right thing…" I opened my eyes in shock. Pearl was looking me straight in the eye. She was sincere.
"Yeah…"said Amethyst, looking at the floor "I wouldn't have known what to do"
Garnet smiled at me. "I know it was hard for you to choose who to help today. Jasper needed you more. It was kind of you to come and explain to Steven and Connie. I know you had a very good time before everything happened" she handed me Steven's phone. There was a picture on the screen. It was Steven, Connie, Jasper and I smiling broadly at the camera, our faces covered in cake. I burst into tears. It was all too much!
"Aww, come on E" Amethyst said kindly. "It all turned out alright"
An arm wrapped around my shoulders and held me until I regained control. I looked at the gem holding me – it was Pearl. She was holding Steven's phone and looking at another picture. It was Steven and Connie, both smirking and looking at me and Jasper kissing in the background. Jasper's hands were at my back, mine were resting on her shoulders. Our faces were partially obscured by her hair, but you could clearly see that her gem was glowing. I had never seen myself so relaxed in a picture before. I was stunned.
Pearl noticed me looking and put the phone down.
"You must be a good kisser" Amethyst snickered.
"Amethyst!" Pearl burst out.
"What? When was the last time you got kissed so good your gem started glowing?"
"Well!" Pearl huffed crossed her arms.
I felt my cheeks grow hot.
"Don't embarrass Erica, Amethyst. She's had a lot to deal with today" Garnet said serenely.
"Gee, sorry you're such a great kisser, E" Amethyst said so sarcastically it made me laugh. She brightened at my reaction.
I dried my eyes with the back of my hand. "Thanks, guys. You're all really sweet"
"Aww, shucks" Amethyst said with feigned shyness.
"I should go" I tried to stand up, but Lion was still occupying my lap. "Lion… I need to use my legs to get home"
He got up immediately and walked to the door.
"Hey, E, tell your squeeze I'll be by in the morning. And take care, OK?" Amethyst said and punched me playfully on the arm. The other gems nodded at me.
"I will"
My legs were a bit wobbly as I stood up, but I made it all the way to the door without falling on my ass. I opened it and Lion slipped out. I turned to the gems and said goodbye, I was so ready to go home.
I made my way down the stairs and onto the sand, walked a little way from the temple and then sat down with my back against the cliff wall. I was exhausted. My eyes shut of their own accord and I leaned my head back on the smooth rock. I lit a cigarette and took a deep drag. This day… It had been too much. Much too much. For a moment I wished I was back on the island, away from all the people and the drama. But then I thought of the picture Pearl had been looking at and a small smile appeared on my face. An overwhelming need to be back in Jasper's arms washed over me and I got to my feet. I made my way back to the boardwalk, lighting another cigarette.
I reached the house and walked in through the front door. Jasper was standing in the very messy kitchen.
"Hey babe, how'd it go?" she asked, looking over at me with a smile.
I walked up to her and put my head on her chest and my arms around her waist. She put down whatever it was that she was holding and hugged me back.
"Did it go that bad?" she asked worriedly.
"No… It went better than I could have expected… I think they forgave me, all of them…" I mumbled into her shirt "It's just… I'm so exhausted"
Before I knew it, I was crying again, but this time I didn't have the energy to hold anything back. I shook from the sobs and I knew I was leaking both tears and snot onto Jasper's shirt. She held me closer. Had I ever allowed myself to cry like this with anyone? It felt so good to be able to trust Jasper with my vulnerability; some of the tears were tears of relief.
Eventually my sobs became sniffles and I dug around in my pocket for a handkerchief. Jasper held up a kitchen towel to me and I took it gratefully and wiped my face.
"I'm sorry about your shirt" I croaked.
"It's OK, babe" she said and pulled it over her head on her way to the living room. She emerged a few seconds later, wearing the 'Winter is coming' shirt I got her. I smiled at this. She came up to me again and lifted my chin.
"How are you feeling, my little monster?" she asked with a warm smile.
I let out a hoarse chuckle. "Lighter…" her smile broadened. I took her hand and we went outside to sit down on the couch. I lit a cigarette with shaking hands. The air was warm, but I was shivering. Jasper put an arm around me and I leaned my head against her chest.
I did feel lighter, like I had put down a big rock I was carrying. But there was something still nagging at me, but I couldn't put my finger on what. I knew I would figure it out eventually, and tried to put it as a background process in my mind.
I sighed hugely, then remembered Amethyst's message; "Amethyst is coming by tomorrow morning"
"Ah, good. She's a fast learner, that gem" Jasper said quietly.
"I like her… She's funny" I mumbled. My eyelids were getting heavy.
"You need some sleep, little monster" Jasper whispered in my ear. She pulled me to my feet and we went to lie down. It wasn't even dark yet. I flopped to the floor and curled up. I could hear Jasper snicker at this before snuggling up against my back and kissing my neck. I fell asleep within seconds.