I walked into Mom's room and closed the door behind me, not wanting anyone to be able to see me as I either crumbled under my emotions or used them to become stronger. After that, I slowly looked around. Truthfully, before the Asahinas and Otou-san had interrupted us, Phoebe and I had only had time to put boxes around the room and come up with a plan of how to pack everything. After that, I had had Phoebe remove those boxes for this very moment, so that I would be able to look at Mom's room in the exact way in which she had kept it while I faced her loss.
Mom's gone. There's nothing I can do for her now except live like she wanted me to.
What did she want for me? What a stupid question. Mom answered that question for me plenty of times while she was still alive. She wanted me to do whatever the hell I wanted to make myself happy, no matter what people said. She wanted me to do whatever it took to achieve real happiness, no matter how many people laughed or scorned me or her for it. She didn't want me to be afraid of anything other people did because she knew that it would just get in my way.
Okay, now that I know that, what do I want? Really? I know that I want Mom back, but that isn't going to happen. So what do I want to do now that she's gone? Do I want to stay here? I might be able to get emancipated, and with my job, I should be able to get by just fine. But do I want that?
No, I would have to live in this house alone. I couldn't stand that. Even now, it's difficult to see this house empty. To not be able to cook for anyone else. After all, isn't that why I loved cooking so much? To be able to see the smile on Mom's face as she came home and found warm food waiting for her. I still love cooking for others, but I wouldn't be able to stay in this house without a family to cook for.
Okay, so what about living with Phoebe until graduation? Her parents have already said that they wouldn't mind, and our families have always been so close that it wouldn't feel too strange to stay with them.
But then, I'd still have to deal with the pity of everyone in town, be the girl who lost her mother and had to rely on her friend's charity. Even worse, I'd still be able to see this house every day and I would know that it is empty. And I'd be reminded every day that Mom is gone. No, I can't do that.
But then, the only option left is to live with Otou-san and the Asahinas. Can I do that? Earlier in the park, the idea didn't seem so bad. But could I really do it? I'd be living with many strange people, and I wouldn't be able to see Phoebe everyday anymore. The Asahinas have been kind so far, and I think that I could learn to love them as my family. I think I need that. I know that no one will be able to replace Mom, but I need someone to call family, and to have proof of that. I think that they could give me that, eventually.
But, I'd also have to go to Japan. I used to live there, but it's been so many years now. Could I adjust back to that lifestyle?
I think I could. After all, Mom might have lived in America even before she moved to Japan for Otou-san, but after we moved back, she still kept many Japanese customs present at home.
But once I got there, I wouldn't see Phoebe anymore. She's been my closest friend for years and I'd miss her terribly. But we'd still be able to keep in touch, wouldn't we? And we could visit each other when we got older. It could work. But for that to happen, there is one big thing that would need to change.
Otou-san,
After the divorce, I didn't think about him much. After all, he didn't stay in touch, so after a while, I pretty much forgot about him. But if I live with him, I will have to forgive him.
For everything.
The divorce wasn't my fault, but it still affected me. I lost my father for years. Can I forget how lonely that made me feel? Can I forgive him for not doing all the things that a father should do with his daughter? I don't know.
But am I willing to. Mom did. I don't know how, but whenever I asked her, she would always tell me that Otou-san was a human just like all of us. He shouldn't be judged just based on a single flaw.
Looking at it like that, I can still remember how Otou-san had been a good father. When he was home, he would always play with me. Tell me stories. Tuck me in.
He was a good father. Maybe I should focus on that, instead of the divorce. I think I might be able to, but what about Miwa-san.
She's the woman that Otou-san is marrying. Surely, if I moved to Japan, I would end up living with her.
Would she replace Mom? No, that would be impossible. But would she try to? And did I want her to?
No, I didn't want to forget Mom and I knew that I never would be able to, so I wouldn't try. But could I handle suddenly having another mother?
I haven't even met her yet. But Ukyo-san said that my mom shaped me. So if I look at it that way, shouldn't Miwa-san have to be a good person to raise such excellent sons?
Would I be able to accept that? I'm still not sure, but I think I can live with it, just like I can live with Otou-san again.
So it's decided. If at all possible, I will try to live with Otou-san in Japan again. That shouldn't be hard. Ukyo-san seems to assume that it will happen anyway.
But what about this house? I can't live in it now, but what will I do with it? I know that it belongs to me now. I don't want to sell it. That would be like giving away a piece of my life with Mom here. And if I rented it out, it would be the same way. I would lose some of the memories that we shared.
Could I live here again one day? I know that the wound is still too fresh for it now, but maybe I would be able to later. With a family of my own. Raising children just like how I was raised. I kind of like that idea. The idea of adding new family memories to this house which already holds so many memories of Mom and me.
After my time spent reflecting on my feelings, my cell phone rang. I looked for it with blurry eyes. I hadn't realized it, but while I was thinking, I had begun to cry for Mom, for my changing life, for fear of what would happen.
When I found my phone, I saw that it was Masaomi-san. He had called to tell me not to bring any food with me tomorrow, that everything would be handled by the brothers. But when he asked me if I was okay, for the first time in days, I could honestly say that I was.
It wasn't perfect. There were still so many things that I wasn't sure about. I would still miss Mom for so long. But after today, I knew that I would be able to wake up with a smile on my face and step forward into my new life without being afraid of what anyone else thought of me, just like Mom had always wanted.