After the Rain II
Orochimaru and Mei were still camping away in her apartment by the time she got home. Orochimaru glanced at her once with a small smile on his face once he observed that she was, in fact, still alive, while Mei gave her a look she knew all too well. That woman was about to pry into something she shouldn't be.
"Well, someone is happy." Mei observed as Tsunade sheepishly tip-toed back into her apartment after her lengthy encounter with Kakashi. The rain had calmed enough for her to walk home with her umbrella staying in tact; he was the first to leave the garden when the rain showed signs of easement. She couldn't blame him. He did have his father to attend to.
While she treasured their conversation, she knew that it wouldn't last long. After all, their time was dependent on the weather. As an adult, she knew that she shouldn't be wishing to stay in the company of a younger man. Her student, to boot. She let out a soft sigh as she divested herself from her coat and scarf, separating herself from the only source of warmth she had.
"Stop looking at me like that," she snapped at the sly brunette.
Mei wriggled her eyebrows at her. "So, who did you meet?" she asked in a sing-song tone.
"No one."
"Ah, and that's why you're smiling so stupidly. Sure, you just went out and talked to trees and nature, and now you're smiling like a complete idiot!"
"Actually, you're right. I did have a nice talk with nature." Tsunade placed her shoes aside before she slipped her cold feet into her soft, suede slippers. She wasn't going to give her doting friend any signs of entry into her thoughts, because she knew that it would be game over if she did. While she didn't harbour any deep feelings for Kakashi, she didn't like the idea of another person prying into what she has with him. She was sure that he felt the same.
What they had was not meant for anyone else but them. They were each other's darkest secrets that gave light into their troubling lives.
Mei pouted. "You're not budging."
"No, I am not." Tsunade replied, now making herself a hot cup of coffee in the kitchen.
"So, there is someone!"
"There's no one," she insisted. No one that she should concern herself with, anyway. Tsunade stirred her sugar with her cream, watching their molecules melt away in the soft heat the water emanated. If there was a simile she could describe their relationship, it was like sugar in a hot coffee - the burn is gentle, but it works quickly, dissolving anything in its path. That's what she felt with Kakashi: his presence has a gentle burn to it, but he was quick at searing through her armour until there was nothing left but her vulnerable body. Instead of scorching her, however, he melded together with her into one messy conclusion.
She bit into her lower lip before she took a sip of her coffee. She knew that she should have ended this before it had even begun. But when did it even begin? When he saved her from her potential rapist? Or was it when he first confided in her? The membrane of her thoughts enshrouded on the how but not the when. She didn't know. It had just happened without her realising. This should have sickened her, made her put up more barriers to prevent him from getting closer to her, but she relented.
Why?
She groaned at the question, unable to fully understand it herself. She didn't feel anything for Kakashi that meant she saw him in that way. So, why did she feel compelled to share her vulnerability with a person like him? Was it because of the way he looked at her? The way he caressed her hand with deliberation? What was it?
She took another sip of her coffee again. And then again when she couldn't find her answer. "Fuck," she finally sneered through her teeth. Was she stupid to have let him in so casually? She didn't want to think so, because her heart wholly trusted him, while her brain constantly reprimanded her for even engaging with him in that manner.
"Fuck," she said again, harsher this time.
"Ooh, who did you fuck?"
Tsunade suddenly leapt back. "What the hell, Mei?"
"You look troubled, sweetie. And you have been saying 'fuck' a good number of times now. What is it?"
"N-N-Nothing…."
"Come on." Mei levelled her gaze with her, sending her unspoken signals that she prompted her to divulge in her. But when she sighed again, Mei's face softened. This time, the brunette didn't pry, but she chose to understand her silence. "It's a miracle you didn't get wet," said Mei, opening up a new topic for them to talk about.
"I had to stay under a shelter for a while. I was lucky to have found it when I did; had I been a second too late, I would have been drenched!"
Mei had folded her arms over her chest as she tried to go with the flow of their new conversation. "It must have sucked just sitting there all by yourself."
"I wasn't -" Tsunade's eyes immediately widened and she caught her tongue.
Mei's lips deviously curled up in victory. "So, you weren't alone! I knew it!" She turned her head to the side slightly before shouting, "Orochimaru, you owe me twenty yen!"
Orochimaru's groan could be heard from the living room.
"You guys were betting on me?!" Tsunade gasped.
"It was inevitable." Orochimaru said.
"Of course. We were bored to death here." Mei leaned against the countertop and bid her time in teasing more information out from the she knew that it wasn't going to be easy, she knew that it was still possible. "So, tell us about mister Rain man. Did he just suddenly morph beside you? Did you purposefully sit next to him because he has this ridiculously mythical beauty to him? Or was he just a casual hookup you did in the storm?"
Tsunade waved her hands in front of her to stop Mei from concocting more fantasies that would sate her interest. "Nothing like that! I just talked to a…. confidant."
Mei's face wrinkled in confusion. "A confidant?"
"Yes. A confidant." Tsunade reaffirmed with a bigger smile. "Just someone I talk to."
"So, you just talked for the past two hours it has been chucking buckets out there?" Mei snorted. "Don't buy it. Tsunade Senju isn't the type to just chat for that long. You know, if you guys did it I wouldn't judge. I already know about your public exploits with Dan."
"Mei!"
"In the parking lot, in the bathrooms of the bars we went to. Where else? Oh! That little quickie you guys did in the infirmary! Don't think I didn't know about that steamy escapade. You guys were nearly caught by the janitor."
"Can you please talk about something else?" Orochimaru's voice echoed. "I'm still here, you know."
"I really don't see your point." Tsunade proceeded to say, blatantly ignoring Orochimaru.
"My point is that you're no stranger to public romances. I wouldn't be surprised if you dabbled in it with Mister Confidant, here."
Tsunade's cheeks reddened like ripened tomatoes. She didn't want a mental image of her and Kakashi engaging in such an affair! No, no! She shook her head defiantly.
"I'm just joking!" Mei proceeded to lighten up the mood with her laugh. "You're so flustered, sweetie. Oh, come on, lighten up! I'm just trying to pull your leg here. Although, I have never seen you so red before. I guess I did touch a delicate subject."
"Oh, hush!" Tsunade snapped, playfully slapping her on her arm.
"So, there's no one?"
"None." She grew exasperated of this roundabout they were dancing around on.
"Then, I'll take your word for it."
"Finally!" She sat herself down on the small dining table that was a few feet behind the sofa. As usual, she had a stack of test papers she still needed to plough through. She has completed half of the pile, with only a few students being able to impress her. So far, she has failed more students than she has passed them. And that wasn't making her eager to sift through the rest. If her students didn't bother to put as much effort as she did for them, then why should she bother?
"Ouch. How much more do you have to mark?" Mei asked as she swiftly stole her cup of coffee for a quick sip.
"Thirty more." Tsunade looked through her sheet which detailed which classes she had yet to do.
"How did my boy do?" Mei leaned over to her until her cheek was touching hers. She was keenly scanning the paper for something.
"Your boy?" she repeated, baffled.
"Yeah. Kakashi."
"Oh…"
"What?" Mei frowned.
"I didn't know you called him that."
"Well, I sometimes do. He hates it, though. But it's what I do to let my employees know that we are a family unit in that company. That, and I also need to remind myself that I shouldn't be interested in my models."
"You have to remind yourself?"
"Sometimes. The work can get too physical at times, that your eyes can't help but appreciate what's in front of them. I've had male models who have been chiselled to the bone, with faces of sinful angels, Tsunade. It's hard to not be interested. So, I make it an effort to place a barrier between me and the models by calling them 'boy', 'son'. Anything to make me not feel the way I know I really am."
"Ahhh…."
"While Kakashi is a fresh face in my company, he is a looker: with that sharp jawline and swimmer-toned abs? It's hard to even look at him like a boy. Then again, I have to remind myself that I'm a good twelve years older than him. He's too young for me."
"Don't you go for guys who are younger than you?"
"Yeah, but they have to be in their twenties! Kakashi is only pushing eighteen. I mean, he's already legal to do stuff, but he's just a baby bird in my eyes. Well, I think he's a baby bird. Other models practically lust over that boy, while other models become jealous of him."
"I'm not surprised that he's attracting so much attention to himself." Even Tsunade wasn't blind to the fact that Kakashi was a handsome man. He possessed a lot of traits that would make any hormonal teenage girl fall for him. And he had a natural skill in a lot of fields that is most certainly enviable. Upon face value, he was perfect. The perfect student. The perfect athlete. The perfect model. The perfect boyfriend.
He seemed to be the embodiment of perfection to most people. But she knew the truth that people failed to see; she could see past his image of perfection and see the scarred person underneath. The imperfect version of himself that others refused to believe exist inside him. The real him.
"Ironically, even if he has a lot of attention pointed at him, he's actually very lonely." Tsunade went on to say, idly flicking through her sheets to see if she has marked his paper.
Mei looked at her endearingly with a small smirk on her face. "You have a soft spot for him, don't you?"
"W-W-What?" Tsunade tried her best to retort back her claim, but she couldn't find it in herself to do so.
"It's alright, you know. Teachers have soft spots for students all of the time - it's called favouritism. I know you pride yourself in not showing any, but with Kakashi, it shows." She then gave that cute giggle she does when she recollects something funny. "You know, he talks about you quite a bit to me."
Tsunade perked up.
"I mean, I ask him at times. I'm always curious about you, Tsunade-sensei, and he's my only source at work." She cleared her throat. "Anyways, his eyes and his voice would soften up when he talks about how appreciative he is for you, and how your teaching has actually gotten him interested. He speaks so highly of you. He respects you and - this is just a gut feeling - I, think, he adores you. It's quite cute, really."
The blonde angled her face away from Mei, trying her damndest not to smile. Seeing how close the other woman was, however, she knew that she couldn't hide her mirth from her.
"You have inspired him to work harder, Tsunade." Mei smiled. "Feel flattered. You have every right to be."
Instead of giving much of a reply, Tsunade found Kakashi's name on her list and saw that he wasn't crossed off yet. That made complete sense since he was the first one to have completed the test, so that meant that his paper was at the bottom of the pile. But still, Tsunade insisted in her mind, he was not confident with his paper. That wasn't like the Kakashi she knew. Knowing that he was nervous about handing in his paper made her stomach tie into a knot. She didn't want to fail him, but it may come to that.
"I'll leave you to it." Mei winked as she circled back around to the couch.
Tsunade pulled the cap off her red pen and then reached out for her cup of coffee. To her dismay, the only thing her fingers grabbed was thin air. After clicking her tongue in annoyance, she looked up. "Mei, give me back my coffee!"
It wasn't until later into the evening that Tsunade was finally left alone to her volition. She sighed in relief as she leaned against the door she had closed after Orochimaru and Mei said their goodbyes. While she was relieved to have her own space to herself again, she couldn't shake off the gnawing sensation of the suffocation of loneliness. Darkness encompassed her apartment that was supposed to house two people, and she felt small amidst it all.
She flicked her light switch on upon stepping into her bedroom, eyeing the furniture she and Dan had bought together. Everything stayed in the same spot even after his death. His wardrobe was still at the left side of the room, filled with his clothes. She didn't bother throwing any of it away, because she wasn't ready.
"Don't hold yourself back anymore…." Kakashi's words resonated within her, giving her the strength to approach her next hurdle - finally letting go.
She opened the cabinet and took a handful of Dan's shirts that were in hangers and threw them all over her bed. She continued to claw every single one of his clothing out of the wardrobe until there was nothing left to grab.
Her knees sudden felt delicate and incapable of sustaining her weight, sending her to sink down onto the floor. She knelt in front of the empty cabinet with a forlorn expression as she grabbed onto the fabric of her shirt. Her heart that was made full with newfound resolution now felt malleable and fragile.
She could put his clothes back in the cabinet. Forget this ever happened. She can go back to pretending that she has moved on from his death. She can keep pretending until it sticks.
"You shouldn't be living in a lie, Tsunade." Again, Kakashi's soft words echoed within her, catalysing every will in her fibre that had remained inert all of these years.
With hands balled into fists and a heavy heart, she went into the kitchen to grab a roll of black bin bags before she started taking his shirts off from the hangers. She tried to ignore the tears that were streaming down her face, but she just couldn't stop herself from wiping it away.
She didn't want to let him go, completely. But she knew she had to. For her own sake.
What would Dan say to her, she wondered. How would he look at her as she desperately tried to move on from him?
"Tsuna, hey! Tsuna!"
She flinched and looked up from the book she was so absorbed in, to see her lover's face so close to her own that she could feel his breath on her skin. She didn't flinch, however, even though she wanted to grab him by his face and kiss him. "Yeah?" was all she managed to say without losing her composure.
Dan crawled onto the bed and laid beside her. "You have been revising for the whole day," he said, taking the piece of literature from her hands before he kissed her shoulder. "Rest your eyes, sweetie."
"Midterms are coming up! I cannot fail it. If I want to be able to study abroad, I have to get a 90% on my exams. Every moment is precious!" She tried to swipe the book away from him but he was faster than her.
"Yeah, every moment is precious, and you're deciding to waste it on this book." He placed it on his nightstand, away from her reach, and curled up against her. Again, he placed gentle kisses on her shoulder, hoping it would ease her up from the tension she was experiencing. "You'll smash the exams, Tsuna. You always do."
"Dan…" she tried to protest, but his puppy face stopped her. Instead, she laughed as she pushed his face away from her. "Stop making that face!"
"You love this face!" He smiled so handsomely that Tsunade had already forgiven him for snatching her book away. How could she resist him? Especially when he was already so close to her again. His nose touched hers as he leaned in closer for a kiss. Their lips moulded softly, passionately, like they have been starved from it for so long. It may have been brief, but the sensation lingered in the nerves of their lips, injecting excitement in their pulses.
Tsunade leaned her forehead against his as they both breathed for air. "I missed you," she whispered, caressing his face ever so softly. "How was work?"
He kissed her cheek a couple more times before he pulled her into his arms, making her pillow her head on his chest. "Work was… interesting." Was all he could say as he ran his fingers through her hair. He loved playing with her hair, especially when they just laid together like this.
"Tell me more about it." She looked up at him before she placed a number of kisses on his neck and his jawline. She giggled when Dan's words felt out in a low groan of satisfaction. She softly bit into his skin to tease him before she rested herself on his chest again.
Dan cleared his throat to he regained his composure and footing in the conversation. "Well, we had a child today who had a heart attack. We managed to get his breathing stabilised, but we still needed to find the section of his heart that was blocked, so we could graft new vessels on around it. So, as you do, you proceed to cath lab because he needed a bypass. As we were transferring the poor boy, his mother stopped us."
Tsunade raised her head. "What? Why?!"
"Well, the bypass requires the administration of blood. Due to their religion, they couldn't have that."
"But, I-I-I don't understand, isn't his blood just being recirculated? What's wrong with that?"
"They believe that once the blood leaves the body, it'll be tainted."
"Oh, bullshit." Tsunade cried. "They're willing to risk their son's life because of that?"
"People strongly live through with their religion, Tsuna."
"If that were our child, religion be damned. So long as they lived!" Tsunade's rage meant that she talked faster than her mind could process those words. So, she didn't realise how impactful her sentence was to Dan until she saw the look on his face. Oh shit. She mentioned having children again, didn't she?
Dan's eyes widened at first, but he eased up the second after. Still, it wasn't fast enough for Tsunade to miss it.
She sheepishly rubbed the back of her neck, hoping she could pretend that she didn't say anything. "I'm sorry, I-"
"Don't apologise." Dan sat up with her and took hold of her hands. "We can't dodge this topic forever."
"But I don't want to force it!"
"You're not. I am." He softly gripped her hands as his lips curled into the softest smile she has ever seen. "I want children with you, Tsuna. God, I do." He watched as she couldn't hide her gaiety. "But," he said carefully, "I don't want them any time in the future. I want to spend my life with you for now. I want to love you and only you for now." He cupped her chin and raised her face up before he landed a kiss on her forehead. "I love you, Tsuna."
She bit her lip before she encircled her arms around his neck, pulling him in an embrace. "I love you, too, Dan."
"Do you want to discuss more about this?"
She shook her head. "No."
"Are you sure? Tsunade -"
"As long as having children is in the cards, Dan, then I'm fine. I just thought that you didn't have any plans on starting a family."
"No, I do! I do." He cradled her face ever so lovingly that she feared she would melt in his hands. "I want to have a family with you, sweetie. I just want things to be right when that happens."
"I understand." She kissed the palm of his hand before she eased a small but genuine smile. "We don't have to rush. We have a lifetime to plan things, right?"
Dan eyed the engagement ring she had on her finger with pride. "I hope so." He smirked against her lips as he kissed her again.
"So, was it a happy ending?" she asked.
"Hm?"
"The boy and his religious mother. Did they have a happy ending?"
Dan nodded. "They did. I made sure they did."
"How did you go around this issue?"
"We did a bloodless surgery."
"What's that?"
"It's a non-invasive surgical method. Where we do it off pump and operate on the heart while it is still beating."
"But the risks -"
"They didn't care about the risks. They valued their religion over the risks." Dan rested against the headboard and sighed. "Luckily, we had one of the best surgeons around. He took care of it. Had it been in less capable hands, I don't think that boy would have made it out alive."
Tsunade crawled back into his arms and snuggled up against him. "I don't know how they could put their child in danger for their faith."
"I can't comprehend it, either." His arm was around her waist, keeping her firmly against the heat of his body. She didn't want to have it any other way. "Sometimes, people are faced with decisions that seem impossible to choose between. I guess, people choose the one they will regret the least. It doesn't mean that it's the right choice, but it's a choice they can live with."
"It's cruel to even think that people have to face a dilemma like that."
"It happens to everyone. We're not an exception, Tsuna."
Tsunade gazed up at him.
"And when that time comes for us, we'll just have to make the choice we can live with, too."
Tsunade was back on her knees, on the floor, sobbing hysterically into one of Dan's shirts. Her tears felt like a wave from a dam that was just broken through, sending tidal waves in the areas close by. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't stop her tears from falling. Her emotions vehemently unlocked itself from her heart, sending tempestuous waves of conflicting emotion that were strong enough to make her feel the full brunt of her actions.
She loved him, by all the Gods. She would have given herself if that had meant that he could live. She would have easily disposed of her own life for his. But that desire is something of the past - a reality she cannot change. She was the one alive, not him. And so, she was given with the choice: to move on from him, or to stay true to him.
She didn't have the heart to leave him. Her tears were her evidence to this as she continued to sob hysterically on the floor. Her hands clung onto his fabric as if that were his lifeline, even though it didn't emanate the same heat as his body and soul did.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," she hysterically whispered. "S-S-Sorry…. My love."
She loved him too much that she allowed the memory of him to consume her in the present. But, as much as she loved him, she knew that she couldn't allow him to take her future away from her, too. She has to stop living the life she didn't want anymore.
As the adumbral vastness of the night sky that spanned throughout the city slowly dissipated under the warm beams of the morning sun, Tsunade tied the last bin bag closed before she collapsed onto the edge of her bed. She didn't think that it would take her this long to pack everything up together, but at the same time, she didn't think she would have the guts to go through with it.
But now, as she scanned over Dan's belongings, she felt a small wave of relief wash over her. For the first time, in a long time, she felt like she was closer in getting the closure she desperately needed. Even if that meant turning her bedroom into a barren room, because all of Dan's possessions have been packed away, she didn't mind. Of course she kept a small portion of his precious possessions, but she kept a limited collection only, from his watches to his cologne, and his promise ring that he had worn when they first started dating.
She looked at the picture frame of her and Dan before she closed her eyes with a soft sigh. This was the right decision, she was sure. Even if it felt like her heart was on gasoline, being ignited into oblivion, she knew this was the correct choice for her.
She placed their picture on her nightstand before she decided to open her curtains to let the light finally hit her bedroom.
"So you just gave Dan's belongings away?" Orochimaru asked her upon coming into her apartment that late afternoon. "Just like that? You had an epiphany, and all of a sudden, you had the strength to take all of his belongings and throw it out?"
Tsunade placed his mug of tea on the coffee table before she settled down on the couch beside him with a cup of coffee. "It wasn't on a whim," she corrected. "I thought about doing this a month after his funeral. I just…. never got 'round to it."
"What finally persuaded you?"
She wanted to laugh, because she never expected him to be the reason for her life-changing decision. But he was. It was his words that caused a change in herself, that pushed her to her limits. Kakashi, she breathed. "You wouldn't believe me," was all she said.
"Try me."
"I'll tell you some other time." She smiled at him. It was weary, but true. Her gaze then fell back onto her coffee, seeing her fatigued reflection look back at her with contentment. Being able to let go of his possessions brought relief and a sense of freedom she has missed for the past two years. She always thought that being around Dan's items brought her the comfort she needed during his time of passing but, in reality, it only brought on more pain that she was willing to admit.
His books that were lying about, his glasses on the shelf, his shoes, his coats, his clothes, all brought her back to a time she knew she couldn't have back. Which subsequently gave her more grief than relief. Now that she has freed herself from that burden, she was able to see the sunshine over the shadows that lingered in this apartment.
"I see you're wearing it again." Orochimaru nodded at the ring she had on her finger.
By the look of surprise on her face, she must have forgotten she had even put it on last night. It was the matching promise ring she had with Dan. "Oh, shoot." She started to fidget with the ring to ease it off from her finger. "It's not like I have any use for this anymore."
"You haven't needed it for seven years, Tsunade."
She fiddled with the ring in her hand. "Has it been that long, already?"
"Time is a fleeting thing," he softly replied, keeping an eye on the ring she twirled around between her fingers. "So, why did you keep it?"
"Hm?"
"That ring you and Dan had. Why did you keep it?"
"Because it became more than just a promise to abstain from sex until we were ready. It became a symbol of our commitment to each other. When you're not even a senior in highschool, and you're dating a freshman college student, you get scrutinised. You should know how much slander Dan received because he dated me. Everyone's opinions drew us apart, made us think twice about what we were doing. I mean, a sixteen year old dating a nineteen year old is not ethical in most people's eyes…"
"Yet you persevered."
"We bought these rings to calm the doubt in our hearts. So long as we had these on, we knew that our hearts were in the right place. I didn't stop wearing this ring until after I went to college and finally lived with Dan. By then, we didn't feel the need to reassure our feelings with inanimate objects. I guess we just couldn't bring ourselves to throw these out, though."
"Are you still going to keep it?"
She shook her head. "No…"
Orochimaru raised a curious eyebrow at Tsunade as she traced her finger around the edges of the ring. "Why not?"
"This ring symbolised that my heart belonged to Dan." Her facial features softened as she became forlorn. "I-I-I can't keep that promise anymore. I loved Dan with my entire life - hell, I was prepared to spend my life with him. But I can't dedicate myself to him, anymore. Not when it means that I'll have to lose myself in the process."
Orochimaru propped his coffee on her table and knelt in front of her, placing his hand over hers in a soft caress. "Let's visit him, Tsunade."
"What?"
"You said you wanted to see him, right? Let's go over there right now."
Tsunade looked to the side as her lips pursed together in uncertainty. "I…"
"You need your closure, Tsunade. This might be it for you."
"O-O-Okay… L-Let me just get changed."
It was a 45 minute train ride to Dan's hometown - a smaller and quieter city compared to the bustling capital city of Konoha. Upon stepping foot in the train station, Tsunade felt her shoulders sag in exhaustion. Not from physical exertion, but from emotional stress. She has subjected her heart to excruciating pain for several weeks in a row like she was some sort of masochist, thriving from her own pain. She balled her fist that was in her trench coat pocket, reassuring her heart that this will be the last time she'll feel that dull ache in the centre of her heart.
It was another fifteen minutes until they reached the cemetery where Dan was buried. When they arrived at the entrance, they were overwhelmed by the gigantic black polished gates that eerily loomed over them. Tsunade took the first step into the cemetery, with the tails of her trench coat following her behind, and with Orochimaru teetering behind her shadow.
"Someone should notify the caretaker of this place," said Orochimaru, glancing over his back at the sinister entrance. "That gate doesn't exactly scream 'welcome'. It's also past Halloween to indulge in such a dramatic entrance."
"You're just scared of graveyards, Oro."
"The dead don't scare me in the slightest," he scoffed. "I was just appalled at how badly kept this place is."
"It's not like it's a tourist spot."
"Still, people are here, you know? Not in the conventional sense, but they're still lingering about."
"And they're probably thinking that you're overthinking the whole situation."
"No, I bet they're agreeing with me. Dead or not, people deserve hygienic places."
Tsunade kept her attention forward, into the line of gravestones that were lined up in equal rows, with the more affluent people having closed off spaces for their loved ones to be buried in. That way, their gravestones wouldn't crumble over time.
Her heels crunched the dampened twigs and leaves as she continued to walk along the long gravel path that intertwined with the unkempt grass and weeds. Upon seeing the familiar oak tree, that was now without its leaves, Tsunade's pace doubled as her heart pounded with great intensity in her chest. He was put to rest there, under that tree.
Once they reached his memorial stone, Tsunade's emotional security fell through as she fell on her knees and the flowers she had in her hand flattened on the damp soil. Orochimaru placed his hand on the crown of her head, caressing her caringly. "Talk to him, Tsunade. I'll give you some space." His hand left her and she heard his footsteps fade away from her.
This was her opportunity to gain the closure she needed.
"I don't know how to do this…." she whispered. "Let's see… um… Oh!" She collected the flowers and placed it in front of his grave, suddenly realising that there were already two fresh lilies placed in a thin wooden vase. She lips thinned in regret. "They must be coming here often, huh? I'm sorry it took so long for me to visit you. If only you knew - no, I think you already know - what I've been through. Still, that's not an excuse."
There was a sudden gust of wind that howled throughout the vast area, shaking the delicate limbs of the oak tree above her. She held onto her scarf as she braved through the winter winds.
"That's probably God reprimanding me for trying to find an excuse," she quietly mused. She leaned forward to neaten up the lilies and to straighten her flowers in front of his grave. With a soft smile, she ran her hand over his stone, tracing every kanji of his name with her index finger. "I miss you, sweetie." Grief and guilt coated her tongue, suppurated and tingled, as old-festered wounds opened so shamelessly in front of her deceased lover. "I…." Words left her as shame enshrouded her conscience.
The last time she was knelt in front of him was when she allowed another man into her - their - bed. She had betrayed him so quickly, that she didn't even recall it happening. What happened between her and Jiraiya was…. for convenience. For the both of them.
That said, she knew just how much Dan loathed Jiraiya. Maybe to the same degree as Jiraiya loathed him. She didn't know; he was good at keep his emotions in check, even if his eyes burned with fiery ire.
They had several arguments regarding Jiraiya, with Tsunade defending him while Dan degraded him. The fight was always left unfinished, with one side conceding to their defeat just to save the goodness of their relationship.
"You're probably ashamed of me, aren't you?" Her eyes fell downcast. "I am, too. I regret it every single day."
"Ow-Ouch!" Dan winced as she wiped a cotton wool lathered with antiseptic against his wounded knuckles. "Tsuna-"
"No." She was firm, and she made sure to avoid those green eyes of his. "You… I can't even talk to you right now." While her words were cold-cut, her touch was still as gentle and warm as ever. She was not angry at him, but she was hurt.
Dan rubbed the back of his neck as he tried to collect his thoughts. "He started it."
"I don't care who started it!" she snapped. "Both of you were stupid to have started a brawl in campus! You know how I feel about violence, Dan. Yet you still got into a fist-fight with him like a barbarian. God, I-I just…"
"He-Hey…" He cradled her face in his palm and finally got her to gaze into his eyes. "Tsuna.. I'm sorry. It won't happen again, I promise. It's just… I was pushed over the edge. I thought he would wisen up over the years, but he's just grown more vindictive. I just…." It was him who looked away this time. "You're right - I shouldn't have been provoked."
"Why can't you guys just get along?" She kissed the palm of his hand that cradled her cheek before she pulled away from him, tending back to his wounded hand.
"We're just…. different in every aspect. No matter what we do, we just clash. He's always been sceptical of me ever since highschool. I mean, that was alright back then; he was just looking out for you. But he hasn't changed since then. We're living together, Tsuna, and he still thinks I'm about to abandon you the next turn of the road. I-I-I just…"
"Jiraiya has always been protective."
"This is verging on obsessive."
"Dan…"
He waited until she finished wrapping a bandage over his knuckles before saying, "He told me that he was in love with you today, you know."
Tsunade's face paled.
"I'm guessing you didn't know."
"J-Jiraiya…. No."
Dan rested against the chair as his lips thinned. "I can still hear him saying it. It's annoying, but not surprising. I've always suspected it. He had always looked at you differently; it would always disturb me."
"I-I-It can't be. C'mon. He's probably just messing with you. He can't be in love with me…. It's Jiraiya! We've known each other since we were kids; he's like a brother to me!"
"Well, he doesn't view you as a sister."
Tsunade cringed. "Oh, god."
"This is why I don't want you to be around him."
"Here we go again!"
"Well, we have to address this issue! He's obsessed with you, Tsuna. I don't trust him to be alone with you. Not after what happened."
"Dan!"
"And now that I know he's been pining over you, everything makes much more sense! What happened at that party between the two of you wasn't a drunken mistake, but a calculated one on his end."
She scoffed but she couldn't deny his accusation.
"You can't tell me that I can just brush it off."
"He's my friend."
"He's dangerous!"
She slammed the first aid kit box closed. "I'm not just going to cut him off! I can't do that to him. He's -"
"Had I not returned to the room in that party, do you think he would have left you with your dignity in tact?"
"Dan!" she gasped, silently pleading him to not venture into that kind of topic.
"No, seriously, do you? At first, I tried to brush it off as a drunken mistake; it was dark in that room, any intoxicated person can easily accidentally come into the wrong room. I thought that he must have slipped into the wrong room, and he didn't notice that it was you on that bed. But now…. I can't help but think that it wasn't a mistake."
"You're reaching." She stood up and walked away from him.
"Am I?" he snapped, rising from his chair to pull her back around. "Wake up, Tsunade! He could have -"
"Shut up! Shut up!" she screamed. "Don't you dare finish that sentence. Don't you fucking say it." She had her hands pushed against his chest to keep him from coming closer. Slowly, her hands grabbed a fistful of his shirt as she bowed her head low. "Just… stop…" she pleaded.
Dan's eyes widened when he noticed that she was beginning to sob in front of him. Tsunade wasn't the kind of person to show her tears to anyone, even to him. With a pang of guilt of pushing her too far, he pulled her into his arms and held her. "I'm sorry, sweetie. I'm sorry. I overstepped."
"He's… my friend," she sobbed. "He wouldn't! He wouldn't…. He…"
"Okay, okay." He softly said, running his fingers through her golden hair. "Okay, sweetie." He bent down slightly and kissed the crown of her head before he continued to soothe her. "I just want to protect you, Tsunade."
"I know…"
"I love you."
"I know that, too…"
He softly chuckled. "Do you hate me, now?"
She shook her head. "Of course not."
"Then….?"
"I love you, too…" she murmured before adding, "idiot."
"I'm your idiot."
"I know." This time she smiled.
Dan sighed in relief when he saw her lighten up, even if it was just by a fraction. He swept the strands that clung onto her cheeks, and pushed her bangs back, to get a full view of her beautifully adorned face. Even after all of these years, he was still smitten about her.
He leaned in, and delicately planted a kiss on her lips. "Truce?"
"Not yet…" Despite saying this, she pulled him in for another kiss. This time, she kissed him unlike before. Her lips burned with passion and unsated fervour, while her tongue seeked for dominance over his own, dictating the symphony of their kiss. She moaned softly at the back of her throat when Dan kissed her harder.
He pushed her against the cabinet before eventually hiking her up on top of it. Tsunade wrapped her legs around his waist and pulled him back into her. "The professors might still be here," she reminded as she pulled away from his kisses.
"They're on that trip in the Land of Waves, remember?" He grinned against her lips before he bit into her lower lip, tugging it ever so playfully. "We only have to keep an eye out for janitors."
Tsunade bit into her lip in contemplation. Only heat will calm the rift they had. Dan wasn't going to change his mind about Jiraiya, she knew. They were going to continue this argument in the future, she also knew. So, she may as well enjoy the heat while it lasted.
"We need to be quick," she said, tugging at the belt of his pants before she unzipped him.
Dan hiked her skirt up, letting it bunch up around her waist, to reveal her black lacy thong. He smiled when he saw her blush. "Why are you looking away? C'mon, sweetie. Look at me." He kissed the corner of her mouth before he turned her face. He captured her lips, and he slipped his tongue into her mouth, injecting her with lust and desire. "God, how can you be so sexy and cute at the same time?"
His hand parted her underwear to the side before he buried two of his digits into her hot cavern. Slowly and with deliberation, he pumped his fingers in and out of her, relishing the soft moans that slipped out of her mouth despite her trying to silence herself. He knelt down in front of her and buried his mouth in her essence.
"Dan!" she squirmed. His tongue swirled around her womanhood, tasting every inch of her wet cavern, taking what was his for his own gratification. She bit into her finger as Dan licked around her clit, deliberately teasing her. Her fingers threaded themselves with his hair, pushing him deeper into her womanhood, as he made her careen over the edge. "Dan, please!"
She didn't need to plead again. He kissed her and buried his shaft into her warmth, filling her up and giving her the satisfaction she was craving for. "Oh, god." She hooked her arms around his neck and buried her face into the crook of his neck, ensuring that her moans were muffled as he fucked her into oblivion.
"Tsun-ade," he grunted, thrusting his hips forward to bury himself deeper into her womanhood. He felt her muscles clench around him, making him groan out in deep ecstasy. He rolled his hips forward again before he pulled back; his thrusts grew long and hard, often hitting her sweet spot in the right angle in each succession.
"Don't stop. Please. Don't stop." Hazel eyes met evergreen, both equally lustful, before she crashed her mouth into his in a ravenous kiss, trying frantically to find her own orgasm before he reached his. "Dan-!" She could've screamed had she not placed her hand over her mouth.
He had pulled her to the edge of the cabinet, hooking her legs over his forearms, before he filled her with his swollen member once more. Hot-white sparks sizzled through her nervous system, exploding and overriding her own senses, as she became consumed by her lover's heat inside of her. Waves after waves of sensation over took her body, leaving her to cry out her pleasure without any concern if a passerby heard her.
She rewarded him with another kiss loaded with pleasure and the taste of her sex. "Stop."
"W-What?" he weakly whispered, lost in the moment, not wanting to stop.
She pulled his member out of her with a low groan. "Let me pleasure you. Let me make you feel good this time, sweetie," she purred against his ear as she stroked his sensitive member.
"Get on your knees."
Dan leaned on the cabinets and watched his lover kneel in front of him. She stroked him gently, then faster, running her hot tongue on the length of his cock, circling around his tip with deliberation, like it was candy against her lips. Hard candy. She looked up at him with eyes of a seductress as she sucked him, long and slow. Then harder until Dan's composure came crashing down with a groan.
He gritted his teeth as she took his entire length into her mouth, licking the underside of his cock as she slowly pulled him out of her. He ran his fingers into her hair before he grabbed a fistful, forcing his member back into her mouth, taking him deeper than she ever has before.
He gathered her loose tendrils into his fist as he mounted her faster than he intended. Her lips held tight as her tongue continued to taste every inch of his member. After a few more pumps, Dan pushed Tsunade in until her nose was pressed up against his stomach. With sudden bolts of electricity coursing through his body as he felt his climax, he released his pleasure into her mouth.
"S-S-Sorry, Tsunade, I…." He was caught off-guard when she swallowed his essence like it was a treat.
She smirked as she licked the excess from the corner of her lips. "Not bad."
"Oh, you…" He pulled her up on her feet and kissed her again.
"Truce," she said against his lips.
"Hm?"
"We're now truce."
"Oh." He chuckled.
She buckled his pants back up before she neatened her skirt. "We should head on home."
Dan embraced her from behind and nibbled onto the cartilage of her ear. "And do this again?"
She laughed. "I've got work to do. So, no."
"Tsunade…."
"Hm…?"
"You know that I trust you, right?"
"I hope so."
"Well, I do. I just want you to be safe."
She placed her hands over his, and she leaned back against his body, relishing in the warmth of his presence. "I know." She turned around to him and cupped both sides of his face. "I'm yours, Dan. No one else's." Not even Jiraiya's, she wanted to add.
He leaned his forehead against hers, mirroring her soft smile. "I'm yours, too. Forever yours, Tsunade."
"Thank you, Dan. Thank you for loving me. For making me love myself, too. Know that whatever happens, a part of my heart will always be yours. No matter what. Half of myself died with you, and the rest of me has to keep living in this cruel world. And I have to move on if I want to live for my own sake."
She reached into her pocket and retrieved their promise rings, placing them beside the bouquet of flowers she got for him. "I'm sorry I couldn't give you forever and always." She leaned against his tombstone and kissed it.
She slowly stood back up, squaring her shoulders to keep her strength. "You once told me that we'll experience a time where we are given two options that are impossible to decide between. That we can only be human by choosing the path we can live by."
She took a step back from his memorial stone. "Well, this is the path I have chosen to live by." The path she knew she will regret the least."
Goodbye, my love.
A/N: The thought of this chapter has kept me up tonight. So, I decided to give in and write it all up in one go. All the while, coffee-deprived and sleep-deprived. This chapter is off my chest now; I can finally go to sleep. While my heart is content, I know my brain is going to hate my tomorrow morning when I have to go to work. XD Oh well, this is the path I choose.
Sorry if there are more typos and mistakes than usual. Also if the flow is off, and if this chapter is mediocre, you know why.
Thanks for reading!