3rd December, 2016
02.17
I am singing and rapping. Rapping. Singing. As I pace this small sterile room with one chair, one table and one door with a small glass cut out. I have tried it already. Several times. Banged on it. Shoved the weight of my body against it. Forced the handle. No use. So now I am rapping.
"You've got me on lock! Behind bars! What the fuck! Get me out, before I shout! 'What shit is this?! Can't treat me like this'! Need to speak to Isak; tell him where I am. Someone let my parents know that this is a sham!"
Yes! I rhymed! Kind of! I could be a rapper! The best rapper ever! Well maybe not the best because there's a lyrical artist that I will never beat. Who speaks from the heart. Speaks to my heart. Whose rap is so deep it never fails me. Who makes me a slave to a page in his rhyme book. Who gave me the soundtrack to our love story- mine and Isak's. Sorry, Isak. It's not you!
It's NAS!
"If I ruled the world, imagine that! I'd free all my sons, I love 'em love 'em baby!" I hear footsteps approaching so I sing even louder. "Black diamonds and pearls! Could it be, if you could be mine we'd both shine!?-"
A key turns in the door. It opens and a policemen stands in the doorway. He says, in a voice that is barely calm, "If you don't shut up I will make you shut up."
I grin at him. "Imagine smoking weed in the streets without cops harassin'. Imagine going to court with no trial. Lifestyle cruising blue behind my waters. No welfare supporters, more conscious of the way we raise our daughters."
He shakes his head and points to a spot somewhere next to me. A t-shirt and pair of sweatpants on the chair. "Please put some those clothes on."
"We don't need clothes for the wedding!" I sing-song. Doesn't he fucking get it?!
"Fine. I am sure your parents would love to find you as you are then. They're coming to pick you up. They have vouched for you and your... situation."
WTF. Situation?
I laugh because this guy is such a downer. He obviously doesn't understand happiness. "No rubbers, go in raw, imagine, law with no undercovers! Just some thoughts for the mind. I take a glimpse into time. Watch the blimp read, 'The World Is Mine'!"
He rolls his eyes at me.
Closes the door.
He is nothing like Isak- older, too jaded, not hot enough, not sexy enough, not smart enough, not goofy enough, simply not good enough- but for a second that action, that eye roll, reminds me of my boyfriend. That 'you're not as funny as you think you are, Even' look he gives me. My 'soooo over you right now' boyfriend! My 'Even, you are such a dorky idiot!' boyfriend!
My boyfriend!
Where is he? The man who looks just like me? He should be with me. No. I look around at this shitty room, with its shitty furniture with a shitty copper outside. No. I should be with him. Now! In our hotel suite! Having our 'holiday'! Our mini-break! Our 'sex'-ation weekend! Our fucking Friday! He'll be wondering why I have been gone so long. Why I haven't called. He'll think I'm some kind of fuck boy. Blow job and bye bye. Fuck and go.
I can't have that. I need to get those fucking Kebabs and then get back to him!
And then we can eat and talk and fuck and laugh and fuck again and again and again and then...
"And then we'll walk right up to the sun! Hand in hand!" I sing/shout. My hands punching the air.
"Shut up!"
"We'll walk right up to the sun! We won't land! I need to call Isak!"
I walk up to the door, and look at the policeman through its glass pane. He has gone back to sitting at his desk.
"Hey! Officer! Can you hear me?!"
He glances up from his paper work and looks exasperated. "No."
"Yes you can! I was saying that I need my phone please! Yeah? Give me my fucking phone!"
-:-:-:-
Mum's driving. Silent. So silent recently. Dad's next to her. Front seat passenger. His hand on her thigh. I have ducked my head forward between them because Dad is listening to me and my ideas. First of all- My business idea! Russ Rentals Inc.! Great idea! Has legs I reckon. It'll be hard work but it'll be worth it. Second of all- My amazing romantic holiday idea! With Isak obviously! With the profits of my business I will be able to get a bigger better holiday with him. Bigger than the one we are supposed to be having right now! Bigger because it will involve jetting away somewhere exotic! Better because he can have all the champagne and Tuborg in the world! And all the suites he wants! And all the fucking white bathrobes!
And all the mini-burgers and kebabs! And we'll share all the kisses and BJs and have all the sex we want! But I don't say that part out loud, can't say that, because Isak will get so embarrassed that I talk to my parents about having sex with him!
The holiday will be so much better than this weekend because the police have fucked up this weekend. Fucked with my plans. And now my parents have messed with my plans too. They say I am going home.
Or am I? I mean, the weekend is still young... and Isak and I can pick up where we left off... I just need to give them the slip.
"Mum, give me my phone please. I need to call Isak." I lean so far forward that I dislodge dad's hand from her thigh.
"I don't have your phone, baby boy." Mum says as she takes a left turn. We're approaching our neighbourhood Isak's and mine. Roads empty. Dark skies. Quiet streets. "And sit back please. Put on your seat belt."
"Dad?" I look at him impatiently.
He looks at mum briefly. Then looks down.
I knew it! She has it!
I reach into her right coat pocket.
"Even!" She pulls away and the car swerves.
Dad pushes me off her and back into my seat. "Your mother is driving! Do you want to get us killed?!"
"I need my phone! I need to speak with Isak!"
"And she said she didn't have it and nor do I. When have we ever lied to you, son?"
"How will I let him know where I am?"
"Sonja has told him that you are with us." Mum says softly. "She offered to pick up your things from the hotel."
"Sonja?"
The fuck?
"She got a frantic call from him, baby boy." Mum keeps her eyes on the road but I can hear the tremble in her voice. I can see the hard grip of her hands on the steering wheel. "You ran out of the hotel with nothing on. You scared and worried him. She says he was terrified you'd get hurt."
Oh. No. I need to explain the misunderstanding to him.
"Sonja called us immediately and your dad and I phoned police stations and ... hospitals-" I hear a catch in her voice "-looking for you. You were found by some passersby trying to get into a phone shop and they called the police. You resisted them. You were arrested and had to be put into an isolation room."
When she puts it that way it sounds bad.
"Mum." I lean forward again. "It was a misunderstanding."
I can tell she is crying even though she tries to avert her gaze. "It was not a misunderstanding. You're ma-"
"Maybe we should all just relax tonight." Dad interjects. "Tomorrow is a new day. We can talk then."
"Then can we get some kebabs now please? It's for-"
"Yes. I know. For the wedding. For Isak." Dad sounds so super calm. So kind.
I smile. "Yes!"
He gives me major eye contact.
"It's 3.45 in the morning. Do you think Isak'll be hungry right now?"
I picture him in our hotel bed. "No. He's probably fucking sleeping."
"Language."
"But he sleeps soooo much, mum!"
"Please put your seat belt on."
Because dad asked nicely... I strap myself in.
"Thank you." Dad says. "We're nearly home."
I look out of the window. Slam the palms of my hands flat against the glass.
"Stop, mum! It's the kebab shop!" We drive past the dark closed shop front. "No wait. It's closed. Yeah. Okay. It's fine. I'll go tomorrow! Tomorrow is still okay! I'll buy them tomorrow for us. Not you! Ha! Isak and me!"
-:-:-:-
08.01
I am ambushed. Mathias is here as is Dr Berge, my psychiatrist and a psychiatric nurse that I have never seen before.
Crisis team. That is what they are called. And I know exactly what their presence in my room means.
"I'm fine." I say by way of hello when they are followed in by my parents. I back away from them because this fucking sucks. This drama. This bullshit. Making a mountain out of a molehill. "I can explain."
My back hits the wall.
Mathias looks friendly but I am wary. "Maybe we could just start with a 'hello'? Hello."
"Hello."
"I haven't seen you in a while."
"I have been busy."
"Do you know why we are all here?"
"Yes. Mountain out of a molehill. I was just hanging out with my boyfriend and then I went out to get something to eat and I got arrested. It was fucking bullshit."
"Is that what you think?" Dr Berge takes a step closer to me.
"Yeah. Fuck the police. 'Fuck that shit, cause I ain't the one. For a punk motherfucker with a badge and a gun, To be beating on, and thrown in jail. We can go toe to toe in the middle of a cell. Fucking with me cause I'm a teenager, With a little bit of gold and a pager-"
"Even." Mathias's voice is firm but kind. "We are all here because we care about you and because you asked us to help you if you ever had another crisis. And this was one of the ways you agreed we could help you by getting together with you and letting you know that we are here for you and making things as safe for you while you get better."
"But I am not having a crisis."
"There were certain things that you said we should look out for in your advanced directive. Behaviours and signs that we should respond to. Do you remember?"
I do. I remember. My parents. Mikki. Sonja. Mathias. Dr Berge. Key members of staff at Bakka then Nissen when I transferred. They were involved and informed of my wishes regarding my care if I went high (or low) again. If I lost insight into my mood and state of mind.
"And we have noticed some of those signs that you asked us to look out for. You are sleeping less. You're talks more than usual. Faster. You are very up."
"I am happy. I have a new boyfriend."
"You've displaced obsessive behaviour, coming up with lots of ideas, been restless and agitated." Dad says. "Have you noticed your thoughts quickening up? Racing through your mind?"
"No." Yes. Yes. All the fucking time. It's why I can't fucking sleep. "Yes. Sorry. Sorry about the lying. Yes. I have. But I have had a lot to deal with. School and shit."
"You drew nearly 50 drawings during your last media studies class." Mum says.
I feel cornered. "I need to go."
"What do you think about what we have just said?"
I take a look at them. "I need to go to the toilet real quick."
I walk past them, through the corridor, hear my mum say,
"He's going to leave."
And Mathias reply, "You have cancelled his credit cards, right? Locked his bike away and your car keys? Alerted his friends?"
"Friend. Yes, we did everything he asked us to do."
"Then we just have to keep talking to him until he accepts what's happening and starts taking his meds. Someone will come out to him every day and you need to make sure to contact us if he becomes a danger to himself or others."
I walk out of the apartment.
-:-:-:-
10.38
I have to walk to Sonja's house because I have no money, no bike and no other options. It takes me nearly two fucking hours. If I knew Isak's number by heart instead of relying on my fucking phone then I wouldn't need to do this.
I slip into her apartment block and get to her apartment door. Press my finger on the bell. Keep it pressed.
Her younger sister answers. She is all attitude. Chewing gum. Leaning on the door. Skater look. Fourteen years going on thirty. "What do you want, Even?"
"Is Sonja in?"
"No."
"You're lying."
"You look a mess."
"So do you."
We used to get along.
"No, I don't. You do realise that you are wearing a t-shirt in the height of winter."
"Sonja..."
"Were you really walking around naked in Greenland after screwing around with your new boyfriend?"
"I just need my phone."
"Like, are you gay now? Son reckons you're a dick if you've been using her as a foil for 4 years."
"I wasn't."
"Yeah. She doesn't really think that. She reckons what you have with this new guy is just a phase because you are manic."
"That's bullshit. Will you get me the phone or not?"
"Is it so you can get hold of your boyfriend and apologise?"
What? "Apologise for what?"
"Are you kidding me? Can you imagine if you were in his shoes? Life is great. Life is good. You're in a new relationship and you're getting really good dick." She looks me up and down. "Correction, you are getting dick. Just plain old 'whatever' dick."
Why is a fourteen year old constantly repeating the word dick at me?
"It was really good dick." I clarify.
"And then the guy attached to the dick starts behaving weird. Like really weird. Like the kind of weird that makes your guys think 'what the fuck have I got myself into' and 'I am staying the fuck away from this shit'."
I look behind her and the anxiety of her words are worsened by seeing Sonja.
Son hands over my phone and school bag.
"Stop upsetting him." She tells her sister. To me- "I've charged it and your clothes are in the bag. I got them from Isak last night."
I take them.
"I am here if you need me." She says. "You do know that he won't know how to cope with you, don't you?"
-:-:-:-
They are wrong. All of them. Mum. Dad. Sonja. Mikki. Mathias. Dr Berge. The nurse. They have got it all wrong. I am not manic. I am just very very happy right now because I am with Isak. And I feel inspired. And inspiring. And ready to take on the world because the world is mine.
THE WORLD IS MINE! And I can rule the world. I can control it. I can control my emotions and how my brain works. I can master it so that it is a slave to me and not the other way round.
I call him. My Isak.
I want to know where he is. The only one who seems to get me. Who understands me. Who doesn't look at me like a freak. Who makes me feel like I deserve more than a series of extreme highs and lows.
The man who mellows me.
The man of my dreams.
I call him.
No answer.
I call him again.
No answer.
He can't still be sleeping surely.
No, he is not sleeping. He is ignoring me. I left him alone. What was I thinking? Sonja said something to him. And he believed it. Or he didn't. When we see each other again we'll laugh about this! He hates me. He doesn't want to see me again. We will walk into the sun, happily, hand in hand! He'll turn his head, blank me and walk away. I'll bring him as my Russ date and I'll be super proud and smug! He'll post vile shit about me on his social media. He'll take down that picture of me. My parent's will break him in and he'll laugh shyly at their inappropriateness! I'll tell them that he dumped me.
He'll push me away and say I disgust him.
He'll say he loves me no matter what...
"ENOUGH!" I shout, startling the elderly couple walking past me in the street nearly Sonja's place. "STOP THINKING!"
I am not sure who I am saying that to but it must be me, right? My brain. I need quiet. I plug my ear phones put them on.
NAS.
NAS will save the day. Save me from myself and my thoughts. Stop me from the pain that my brain causes me. Out of my control.
Where is he?
The man who was just like me
I heard he was hiding somewhere I can't see
Where is he?
The man who was just like me
Heard he was hiding somewhere I can't see
And I'm alone, and I realize that when I get home
I wanna go through my red and my cherry
Yes I'm alone, and I realize when I get home
I wanna go through my red and my cherry
Yeah, yeah, let's pour some cherry wine
Everything's good, everything's fine
Yeah, yeah we bring it every time
Yeah, pour a little cherry wine
Yeah, ayo Salaam, yeah, I think they know the time
Everything's good, everything's fine
Yeah, pour a little cherry wine, yeah
Life is good, life is good, yeah
Life is good, no matter what
Life is good, life is good
Life is good, yeah
Life is good
No matter what
Life is good
I press send on the text to Isak and hope that he gets me. I hope that he understands that everything I feel for him is real. That I want him. That I love him. So much. That I have fucked up because my mind has taken control of me. I feel lost at sea. Incredibly lost. Because everyone is right. Everybody that said they cared and loved me. The same people that I pushed away or ran from. I should have listened to them and I should have told him.
I know it now. I should have realised sooner. Days ago.
I am having a bipolar crisis.
My phone alerts.
Isak: Hi Even. I don't fucking understand what
is happening right now. Stop texting me.