"Curly, glad I caught you."
Cullen glanced around the training courtyard. He had just finished training for the evening and was watching the recruits clean their equipment to make sure it was done properly and put away. Some of the recent recruits enjoyed neglecting their duty. He saw Varric walking towards him. He frowned. "What do you want?"
"I am but a humble messenger today. Your wife is in labor."
His heart started racing. "Labor?"
"Yes, you know. That stage women go through before birth. Generally a stage the husband should go see his wife."
Cullen was staring at the dwarf in disbelief.
"Are all humans this startled by the idea of a pregnant woman giving birth? This shouldn't come as a surprise, Curly."
He started to breathe again and shook his head. "No...no not a surpr-Yes. A surprise. I-I have to ask the Knight-Commander for leave." Cullen raced away from the training ground, praying to the Maker that the Knight-Commander was still in her office.
He reached the door in record time. He thought he heard her having an argument with someone on the other side, but he was too scattered to think. He knocked and heard silence on the other end. Finally, a bark telling him to come in.
The office was empty except for the Knight-Commander sitting behind her desk. The room was dark, no fire lit.
"Uh...Knight-Commander?"
"Yes, Knight-Captain. You knocked on my office, did you not, who were you expecting?" She snapped at him.
"N-no one. I mean...you, Knight-Commander. Uh...my wife, Marian sh-she is in labor. The baby is coming. I came to request leave to go to her."
Silence greeted his request. He could barely make Meredith out in the dying light of evening, only a faint glow of her piercing blue eyes. The silence stretched on for minutes and he wondered whether he had said something wrong. Had he not requested leave from the Gallows? Had coherent words come out of his mouth? The Knight-Commander might think he had gone mad.
"No."
He started. "N-no?"
"It is a simple word, Knight-Captian. I hear they use it, even in Ferelden. No, you may not leave the Gallows."
"But...Knight-Commander...my wi-"
"Women have been giving birth for many ages, Knight-Captain. She will be fine without you. I need you here should the mages decide to uprise."
"The Gallows have been calm for weeks, Knight-Commander."
"AND WE SHOULD BE EVER VIGILANT!"
Cullen was silent at her outburst. "Of course, Knight-Commander." He said, respectfully bowing his head as his mind raced and his heart shattered.
Meredith stared at him. "Good. We can never be too careful. You are not to leave the Gallows tonight. I forbid it. You are dismissed."
Cullen walked out of the Knight-Commander's office in a daze. How could she say no? How? The Gallows would be fine without him for a night and it was his wife and his child. And birth was not so simple. What if...? No. He wouldn't allow himself to think of that. His brows furrowed as he walked along, not looking where he was going, his mind filled with worry.
"Well, are we leaving?"
Cullen looked up, startled by the voice. Varric stood down the hall from him, his arms crossed and looking at the Knight-Captain expectantly.
"I-I cannot leave. The...the Knight-Commander has forbidden it." His heart fell to the ground, the crushing defeat, the utter desperation. He needed to be with her. She needed him.
He hadn't heard the dwarf move, but suddenly he was in front of him, looking up at him with eyes that spoke more than even the dwarf was capable. He patted Cullen on the arm a little awkwardly and shook his head. "I will go back and tell her."
Cullen closed his eyes, hoping to open them to the light of morning. That this was all a horrible dream, a nightmare the demons plagued him with. When he opened them the Gallows still stood strong around him and Varric was already at the end of the hall. Cullen watched him round the bend and go out of sight. Free to go to Marian. Free to leave. No Commander enforcing his actions. Cullen did not remember ever having such freedom.
He ended up in his room with a bottle of wine. He lit the candle next to his bed and sat down, taking a long drink from the bottle. Marian was giving birth. He couldn't sleep until he knew that she was safe. He settled down against the wall and stared at the dancing flame. Marian used to light the candles in the house. She said she enjoyed the small flick of flame against her fingers. Said when she was younger she used to burn herself learning flame spells.
"My father always said I should stick to lightning. It came naturally. Bethany was good with fire. She never almost set the house on fire." Marian had laughed, her eyes tinged with sadness. Those had been the early days, when her magic still frightened him. He had married her to keep her out of the Gallows, but it hadn't been until after their wedding that he realized what marrying a mage would mean. To Marian, magic was something used every day. To light the fire, to warm the water of her bath, to cook food. Those first few days of living together, constantly feeling her pull on magic, it had taken every ounce of his self-control not to smite her, to cut her off from the Fade.
He had told her as much, later, much later into their marriage. She had been so surprised.
"You should have told me." She had said, "I wouldn't have wanted you to be anxious in your own home."
Cullen had laughed. "We were barely on speaking terms, if you remember, my love."
But he had loved those first months, getting to know her, seeing her smile at him for the first time, hearing her laugh, listening to the stories of her childhood. Telling her his own childhood stories. She had enjoyed learning about the boy he used to be. About the mischief him and his sister used to get into, it was always Mia's idea and he just went along with it. He didn't remember ever being so happy as those first months with Marian.
Then the qunari attacked the city.
And everything changed.
There was a knock on his door and Cullen started, not sure if he had fallen asleep. He jumped off the bed and raced to the door, knocking over his armor stand in his rush.
"Knight-Captain?" Keran looked at Cullen worriedly when he opened the door in a rush.
"What is it?" He asked, his voice thick with concern.
Keran glanced up and down the hallway before continuing in a lower tone. "The Knight-Commander has retired to her room, Knight-Captain."
"...And?"
The younger man blinked several times. "Uh...Ser now would be a good time to...uh..."
Cullen sighed. "I can't leave the Gallows, Keran. The Knight-Commander...I must stay here."
"But Ser...your wife."
Cullen gripped the door tighter to keep himself upright.
"Ser..." Keran looked up and down the hall again. "What if I told you that the Knight-Commander would never know you left?"
He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "The ferryman is on the other side of the water, recruit, and Meredith would likely hear if I attempted to swim across the bay."
"There...there is another way into the city, Ser."
"Another way?" Cullen asked, hope beginning to burn in his chest.
Clarett was an older woman with grey hair and a severe face that always got her way. That was the first thing Garrett recognized when she walked into his estate. The second was that she knew what she was doing and he was in far over his head.
"Get me warm water, not hot, and towels, clean towels mind. I also need a chair, I'm not as young as I once was." She looked at Marian who was lying on the bed. "And for the Maker's sake, get her pillows! Prop her up so she has something to lean on! What is wrong with you?"
Garrett rushed around following the woman's orders. The truth was he was terrified. He didn't know what to do and when he had walked into the house and heard his sister scream in pain a part of him had wanted to walk out again. He was walking around blind; someone had robbed him of his sight, his limbs, his ears.
"Are you deaf?" Clarett shouted at him. "Go hold her hand. Or do you need to pay someone to comfort your own sister?"
Marian was whimpering against the bed as Garrett stood awkwardly in the doorway. He didn't want to walk into the room. He wanted to run. To run as far away as he could, to never hear her cries of pain, to never feel this fear.
He stepped next to his sister. Her face was flushed from the pain, but tinged white, like she was sick. Her eyes looked up at him and he saw his own fear reflected in them. He kneeled down and took her hand. "You can do this. You are going to be fine."
"Where is Cullen?"
The question he had been asking himself all night. "Varric went to bring him back. I'm sure he will be here soon."
She nodded then clenched her teeth. The screaming was worse when he was next to her. Her hand tightened around his painfully, but he squeezed right back.
"Breathe girl! Don't be stupid. Breathe!"
Marian was panting, trying to pull in air as fast as she could.
"Shit."
Garrett's entire body went cold when he met Clarett's eyes.
"Wh-what?" Marian asked weakly, fear lacing her voice.
"Nothing, dear. You're fine. Just relax." But the woman's grey eyes told Garrett a different story.
He patted his sister's hand as she collapsed back onto the pile of pillows, waiting for another episode to hit her. He walked towards her legs, something he had avoided all night. Clarett lifted her hand slightly. Blood covered it and he could see more seeping into the bed. The woman didn't say anything. She put her hand back down and patted his sister's leg reassuringly.
Garrett stumbled out of the room. His mind white.
"What is wrong?" He hadn't even noticed that Fenris was in his house. The elf touched Garrett on the shoulder, ever so briefly.
"M-Marian." He shook his head. His sister wasn't going to make it. "Blood." He looked at Fenris. His eyes haunted. He wouldn't live through another loss.
Cullen walked into the Hawke estate and the first thing he noticed was the quiet. The heavy silence over the estate, as if everyone was holding their breath, waiting. He hurried out of the basement and through the kitchen; Varric striding next to him. Halfway through the kitchen he heard the first noises of life. Muffled footsteps from the foyer. He walked into the large room to see Aveline striding back and forth in front of the fire. Varric nodded at Cullen and went to stand beside the Guard-Captain. The woman looked up as Varric approached and nodded at Cullen as he took the stairs to the bedrooms two at a time. On the landing, he saw Fenris lounging against the wall next to Marian's bedroom, his body stiff. He stared at Cullen as he approached, but didn't make any sign of welcome. Cullen's hand rested on the knob when he heard the cry of pain, the sound of people talking, shouting; his heart raced and he opened the door.
Marian was lying against a pile of pillows; a woman sat between her legs, her eyes concentrating on his wife. Hawke was holding Marian's hand, talking to her, soothing back her hair. But Cullen's eyes went immediately to the man standing next to Hawke. Blonde hair, black feathers, blue light streaming from his hands that pricked the lyrium in Cullen's veins.
The abomination.
His hand reached for his sword as cold steel touched his throat.
"You kill the mage, you kill your wife." Fenris growled from behind him, his sword digging into Cullen's skin.
Hawke looked up from Marian's side and she turned her head to see Cullen standing in the doorway, Fenris' blade at his throat. Both of their eyes looked dark and hollow, Marian's were tinged red, her hair stuck to her forehead. He saw her lips move, forming his name. A soundless call for him.
"There are no blades in this room! You want to come in, you leave your steel at the door!" The stern woman sitting between his wife's legs yelled at him. Her face broke no argument.
The abomination looked at him, a glimmer of blue showing what he really was. What everyone in the room was trying to ignore. Something Cullen could never forget, would never forget.
Fenris moved Cullen's hand away from his sheath, his blade still against his throat. He felt the elf fiddling with the buckle keeping his blade in place.
Neither Hawke nor Marian spoke as they watched. He sat there, rage, fear, and humiliation sweeping through him. Marian tilted her head back and Hawke's eyes went to her. He saw her lips part and a groan that turned into a cry of pain.
"We're getting close." The woman said.
"Take the blasted thing off already!" Cullen growled, his hand grabbing the buckle and undoing it as he raced into the room. The sword fell to the ground when he was halfway to her. He could feel a small prick on his throat where Fenris' blade had pushed too deep, but it didn't bother him. He barely felt the pain as he reached Marian's side; his hand grabbing hers as her pain reached its peak.
She crushed his hand with hers as her whole body seized up, tensing for what was to come. He watched in fear until the pain subsided. When the episode was finished, Marian was panting and she turned to look at him, a small smile on her face. "You're here."
He pushed the hair out of her face and kissed her forehead. "Yes. I'm here, love. I'm here."
Hawke looked at him. His eyes so dark there were almost black. He looked exhausted and...terrified.
Cullen glanced at the abomination. The blue was still streaming from his hands. Healing magic. The mage looked at Cullen, anger showing in his brown eyes. He turned back to his spell, ignoring Cullen again.
Cullen looked back at Marian. Her eyes were closed, her breathing heavy. Just how close had he come to losing his wife?
"Cullen. The sun is coming up." Aveline said softly from the door to Marian's room.
He nodded, not taking his eyes off the sleeping baby. Malcolm slept peacefully in his crib, oblivious to the chaos he had caused with his birth. It had been one of the hardest nights of Cullen's life. He had watched as Marian struggled with the birth, watched as she cried out in pain, as blood seeped on Clarett's hands, as Anders fought desperately to keep her alive, taking lyrium potions to make sure he never ran out of energy to cast...and Cullen could do nothing. He had sat by while Marian lived through the most painful night of her life, while his child literally drained the life from her.
Clarett had told him that the baby had been positioned incorrectly. That there had been tearing inside Marian. They had needed Anders' constant healing to make sure she did not bleed to death.
It wasn't until after Malcolm was born and Marian was asleep that Cullen had learned of the full extent of the danger she had been in during the delivery. Clarett had only whispered it to him before she left, as the estate descended into quiet and Hawke had crawled into his room to sleep. Hawke had not spoken to Cullen the entire night, he had remained quiet next to Marian, his dark eyes watching her, his fingers clasped in hers. Not until the mage was gone did he learn that if he had not been there, Marian would have died before Cullen even arrived. That he would have walked into an estate in mourning. But the worst moment of the night; the moment Cullen will always remember as the moment he thought he would lose Marian was the moment after the delivery.
Malcolm had just been born, Cullen was smiling, staring at the baby crying in Clarett's arms. Suddenly, Anders grabbed Marian and shook her. Marian's eyes had closed. Cullen had watched as her chest stopped moving, his own heart stopping. He felt the mage channeling energy into her body, his hands shaking her as he yelled for her to wake up. A moment later Marian's eyes opened wide, her gasping breath the greatest relief Cullen had ever felt. The mage had slumped against her, his shoulders shaking slightly. Hawke had merely stared, his eyes showing no emotion. Cullen had held her hand and her exhausted eyes found his. He had squeezed her hand and received a small squeeze back.
Cullen touched his son's forehead. Malcolm's mouth opened, his baby lips looking for his mother.
"Knight-Captain."
He stared down at his son, engraving the image into his memory. His son, alive and healthy. Maker knows what would have happened otherwise. He kissed his forehead and turned to the bed behind him. Marian was asleep, her breathing regular and peaceful. Cullen kissed her forehead. "I love you," he whispered. He stood and left the room, refusing to look back on what he should never be forced to leave.
Marian heard a faint cooing as she opened her eyes. The soft rustle of cloth and a chuckle. "You are quite a big boy. Must take after your uncle."
She smiled and turned her head to see Isabela holding Malcolm in her arms, rocking him gently back and forth as he made noises of hunger.
"Oh look, your mother finally opens her eyes. And here I thought she would sleep all day." Isabela grinned at her and walked over to the bed.
"You're back," Marian said, taking care as she lifted herself into a sitting position. Her body was dreadfully sore. Isabela grabbed a pillow to put behind Marian's back and she smiled gratefully at the pirate.
"Just got back. The sun and fresh air was needed."
"And a break from Garrett?"
Isabela laughed and handed Malcolm to Marian. "Cookie here looks a little hungry to me. Though he is the size of a sack of potatoes. How you got him through must have been a miracle."
Marian's grin faded as she took her son. His mouth was opening and closing, looking for food. She glanced at Isabela.
"Believe me Cupcake, you don't have anything I haven't seen."
She sighed and pushed her nightgown down over her breast. She had watched her mother when she nursed the twins. She used to hold one while the other fed and then burp them while her mother fed the other. Bethany was always quiet and easy, while Carver would end up throwing up all over her and crying bloody murder.
Malcolm looked up at her, his baby blue eyes staring at her. She smiled down at him, her heart warming. He had a tuft of soft down black hair on his head, and the cutest chubby cheeks she had ever seen. In fact, Marian would wager he was the most adorable baby she had ever seen.
She pulled him up, cradling him gently in her arms. It took a moment to position him and then the initial discomfort. She had tried last night before passing out and Clarett said it would take a few days for her to get used to feeding him. Marian wished she could have spoken to the woman more. She wondered if Varric could bring her back.
"Look at you. Proper little mother now."
Marian started. She had been watching Malcolm and forgotten Isabela was still there, sitting on the edge of the bed. She smiled at her. "So why did you come back now?"
Isabela shrugged. "Well I was hoping to see you when you were all big and round. Can't believe I missed it by a day. Would have made it if not for the storm in the Waking Sea. Varric told me last night was...a little too exciting for everyone." She looked at Marian, worry briefly crossing her face, before smiling again. "Your brother is still asleep, thankfully."
Marian smiled. "He missed you."
"Oh I'm sure he had other things on his mind. More important...Champion duties."
Marian looked at Isabela, her face more serious. "He did miss you. A blind person could see it."
"Blind people see things most people miss, Cupcake." Isabela rubbed Malcolm's head gently. She shook her head, got off the bed and walked toward the door. "Anyway, I will be settling into the Hanged Man again. Come bring Cookie round. We'll put some hair on his chest."
"He's a day old, Isabela!"
"Never too early." The pirate grinned back at her from the doorway and then was gone.
Marian grinned after the pirate for a few moments. She looked back down at Malcolm. "I think you have quite a few years before I leave you alone with her...or I might just never allow that." His blue eyes were the only answer she got. Her grin faded and she frowned slightly. "I miss your father." She whispered into the empty room.