OMFG, she's updated, spread the word! Go my minions go! I could pile excuse on you but you know I won't. I am sick at the moment; I suspect its glandular fever (I diagnose myself and then tell my doctor what I think it is) so I had a blood test (fucking horrible, it hurt) and am waiting for the results. Being sick is THE WORST, especially when you just started the school year. I've only been to a handful of my classes, and I fall asleep in most of them. Hmm, so, here's the next chapter of LA, you can thank me via reviews. I'm setting the scene for some upcoming drama! Mwah!
Special Guest appearance by Mr. Pinky (who, by the way, is actually a real person/object/vibrator)
Chapter Twenty-One
Daine was eating Special K.
Daine decided that Special K tasted gross and spat it back into the bowl. Then swapped the bowl for Jonathan's Frosties when he wasn't looking.
Jonathan, unsuccessfully attempting to subtly check out his own wife, shoved a spoonful of Special K and Daine-saliva into his mouth, chewed and swallowed.
He wrinkled his nose. "Fifi, I think these Frosties are off." He called.
"Really?" Daine asked innocently. "I think they're Grrreat!" She then fell off her chair laughing at her own joke.
Jonathan decided not to comment.
"For the love of God, Jon!" Thayet yelled. "Do NOT use that godforsaken nickname!"
"Morning Fifi!" Evin sang as he waltzed into the Conté household. "Aren't you looking particularly cheeky this morning." He growled appreciatively at Thayet's flannel dressing gown.
Daine shuddered. "Dude, don't hit on my thirty-five year old foster-mother!"
"Twenty-five." Thayet corrected.
Daine snorted. "Whatever, wannabe-gold digger. I can count. That would mean that you had Roald at twelve…is there something you're not telling me?" She looked suspicious.
Jonathan looked horrified. "You were twelve?! I'm so done for statutory rape!"Hhe hung his head. Thayet brought him coffee.
"Wow, kids at twelve. Who knew she was such a whore." Evin said offhandedly, sitting down next to Daine and stealing Jonathan's coffee.
Thayet blushed. "It- I- THEY'RE ADOPTED!"
"We are?" Asked a confused looking Kally standing in the doorway.
Thayet winced. "Of course not sweetie; Mummy's just being silly."
"Nice one, Thayet." Daine mocked before a large pink object collided with her head.
Daine fell off her seat once more. "Ouchies." She whimpered.
Her bed-head of pink hair appeared from under the table as she clambered back onto the chair and perched there like some sort of strange wild cretin.
"What on earth was that?" Jon looked mildly shocked.
"Watch out for UFV's." Evin commented casually.
"And that is…?" Thayet enquired with a raised brow.
Neither of the Conté parentals were particularly surprised by that fact that a large flying pink object knocked their foster daughter off her chair.
– Daine growled at the object –
…and turned her into some sort of undomesticated animal.
Evin picked up the offending pink object. "Unidentified Flying Vibrators." He explained.
"It's not unidentified; it has a name!" A voice cried in overdramatic outrage. "…Mr. Pinky."
All heads turned to the newcomer who posed erotically in the doorway before wandering in without invitation. Miri waved cordially at them and stole Thayet's coffee.
Thayet drooped visibly. Then her attention was re-caught by the large 8-inch pink vibrator in Evin's hand. "What the hell is that thing?!" She squeaked.
"Mr. Pinky." Daine said sullenly. "WEREN'T YOU LISTENING?!"
Apparently being hit on the head with Miri's large pink vibrator wasn't her preferred start to the day. Well, that and the fact Jon's, I mean her, Frosties had gotten soggy during the hullabaloo.
Daine disliked soggy cereal. She directed a mournful look to the bowl and promptly shoved it out of her sight. Which, unfortunately, was off the table. Everyone jumped as the shatter of ceramic and splat of soggy cereal as it hit the hardwood floor sounded.
"Daine, for heaven's sake!" Thayet scolded and retrieved a cloth from the sink to clean the mess with.
Daine stared disdainfully down as Thayet crouched down to mop up the mess. "That's right, wench; clean my mess." She muttered.
Thayet looked up. "Did you say something?"
"…"
"…"
"…no." Daine finally said 'convincingly'.
Thayet glanced at her sceptically before resuming her previous position by the sink and rinsing the soggy cereal off the wash cloth.
Daine eyed her like some sort of predator.
Thayet stared back in a paranoid manner.
Evin leered at Thayet's flannel covered chest.
Jon alternated between conspicuously checking out his own wife and looking suspiciously around to see if anyone was noticing.
Kalasin gave a fleeting look around the silent room before awkwardly leaving to go update her Facebook.
Miri stared drowsily into space like the druggie she is while Mr Pinky started a staring competition with the whole room.
An awkward silence ensued.
…
…
…
…
-DING DONG-
The sound jerked everyone, except for Miri, out of their stupors and they commenced with whatever morning ritual they had been engaged in before.
Thayet stripped off her faded flannel dressing gown to reveal a striking scarlet dress that heavily emphasised all areas that women her age needed emphasised.
"I knew it." Evin muttered as she tossed the dressing gown in a random cupboard and glided into the hall to answer the door.
"I tap that." Jon announced to no one in particular.
"Great to know that your penis hasn't shrivelled up from lack of use then." Daine said peevishly.
"Aww," Miri cooed and waddled over to Daine. "Methinks someone needs a huggle!"
"Go die." Daine replied shortly. Miri ignored her and wrapped her arms around her best friend lovingly.
Daine squirmed. "Get off, you know I don't like prolonged contact with yo- AHHH THE HERPES!" She shrieked. Miri licked Daine cheek appreciatively. "It buuuurrrrrnnsss!" Daine frantically started to scrub at the trail of saliva.
"Look who's he-re!" Thayet sung out, her arm draped oh-so-casually around the waist of the man next to her who carried a large cardboard box.
Thayet gave a quick look in the direction of her husband who was too distracted with Daine's screaming to pay attention to her arrival. She pouted and untangled herself from the other man with a muffled "Damn."
He gave a lopsided grin towards her. "Better luck next time, Fifi."
Thayet's pretty mouth twisted into a grimace. "It's spreading."
"Like Miri's herpes." Evin commented offhandedly before winking suggestively at the newcomer.
The man regarded him with a measured glint in his eye. "You get more like your uncle every day, don't you boy?"
"I sure do," Evin purred. "…George."
George Cooper gave a great booming laughter that immediately drew all attention to him. It also had the added bonus of distracting Miri enough for Daine to dodge her arms and roll over the table in some sort of ninja move that sent even more crockery crashing to the floor.
Thayet winced; there went her matching set.
Evin stared at her. "God you're cool, Sarrasri. I wish I could be just like you." He said, sarcasm dripping off every word.
Daine took it in stride. "Yeah, I get that a lot. It's just hard when you have an aura of awesomeness like me; complete fags like you are always complimenting me on it. I just have to grin, bear it and wait for the day when I can take a magnum to your head."
"A magnum?" Evin asked.
Daine grinned at him. "It's the only cool gun I know."
"From Tomb Raider, right?" George put in.
Evin drooled. "Lara Croft is hawt."
Daine glared at him. "You can't say that; you're gay."
"I'm not gay." Evin defended.
"All hands in favour?" Daine asked.
Thayet, Jon, George and Daine all raised their hands.
"Thank you, Miri." Evin said pointedly.
Miri gazed at him blankly. "What was that magical pixie?" She hummed out.
"Is Evin gay?" Jon clarified.
Miri blinked slowly. "Oh….yes…yes…." She raised her hand.
"Majority rules!" Daine chirped.
"You can't decide my sexuality on a vote." Evin pointed out.
"Majority rules." Daine repeated.
Evin stared at her blankly.
"Majority rules."
"…"
"Majority. Rules."
"…"
"Majo-"
"Fine! Just stop saying that!"
Daine beamed. "Do you use that tactic in the CIA George?" She asked sneakily.
"I'm not in the CIA." George gave his much-practised reply. Daine hinted at this every time she saw him.
She narrowed her eyes. "I will get you someday."
George smirked back at her. "If I be what you claim I am, then do you really think I'll slip up?"
Miri's eyes crossed.
Daine thought for a second. "…Porcupine." She pronounced at last.
George nodded satisfied. "That's what I thought."
Thayet and Jon exchanged looks of confusion.
Evin eyed the box in George's arms. He gave a small twitch as a strange scuffling came from within it. "What is in the box?"
George looked down. "Thayet, you wanna take the reins on this one?" Thayet beamed at Daine who stared blankly back.
"Well sweetie," She began jovially.
Daine's eye twitched.
"Today is the last day of your one week trial of having Selda as your minder!"
Evin gave Daine a worshipful stare. "If only I could be blessed with half of your bravery." He said in an emotional whisper.
Thayet cast him an odd look before continuing. "Er, well…I'm…proud of you Daine."
"VIVA LA DAINE!" Miri suddenly shouted out of the blue, waving Mr Pinky madly.
She was ignored.
Daine shuffled uncomfortably as Jon reached over and patted her on the shoulder in a fatherly manner. Thayet paused to wipe the corners of her eyes with manicured fingers before continuing once again in a wavering voice.
"You came through on your side of the bargain so I'm going through with mine; here." She took the cardboard box from George and set it before Daine.
Daine cast a look around the room before prodding the box. There was another rustling sound as the occupant moved around inside it.
"Hmm, it moves." Daine said ponderously.
"Just open it already, Sarrasri!" Miri demanded in a fit of normality.
"Silence, bagel-whore!" Dane snapped in reply before carefully and methodically unfolding the cardboard flaps. For the sole reason of annoying all the other occupants of the room of course. But before she could reach for the final flap it burst open and she came face to face with large amber eyes.
Blue-grey blinked at amber.
Amber blinked at blue-grey.
"Mew!" It squeaked.
Daine carefully picked up the cloudy grey kitten. Miri let out a girlish squeal and glomped Evin's arm; he didn't look as if he minded too much.
"That's a pure-bred Chartreux." George informed her. "Mother died in birth and this is the only kitten in the litter than survived, the Breeders named her Skysong."
"That's a stupid name." Daine scoffed.
"Well, what are you going to call her?" Thayet pressed.
Daine thought for a second before holding the kitten up triumphantly. "I hereby proclaim thee kitten to be henceforth known as…Kitten!"
"…Ha." Miri said after a suitable period of awkward silence.
"It's…practical." Thayet tried.
"Logical." Jon grunted.
"Badass." Evin added.
"It suits it." George commented, lips twitching.
Daine placed Kitten on top of her head where the kitten kept its balance by digging its tiny claws into Daine's mass of pink hair. Once it felt stable enough it raised its small head and regarded the room with a small "mew".
Thayet and Miri melted into pools of cooing female. And so did Evin, though he tried not to show it.
"Wow…" A new voice joined. "I cannot believe that you'd actually trust her with an animal, Mrs Conté." Selda looked at Thayet with wide-eyed innocence.
Thayet sighed. "Well, she has been better lately."
"I think we all know who that's due to." Selda sung out.
George grinned. "Yep, Numair's sure produced a miracle."
Selda frowned. "Actually I was talking about myse–"
"You're not cool enough to be arrogant." Miri pointed out.
"You just can't pull it off." Evin added.
"No dice." Daine agreed.
Selda scowled at them and leant against the open window where she had a full view of the room. Daine decided she really did not want Selda in her general vicinity anymore.
"So…" she started, nonchalantly standing up, Kitten still perched on her head. "Now I've got my cat, which really is the only reason for me putting up with you…" she trailed off.
"…and?" Selda prompted.
"I don't really need or like you…or want you in my house." Daine chirped before promptly shoving Selda out the window. Thayet shrieked in alarm.
Daine rolled her eyes. "It's like a one metre drop…and she landed in the moat." She added after checking.
"We don't have a moat." Jon frowned.
Evin looked around shiftily. "Formerly the flowerbed." He coughed.
Everyone watched Thayet as she slumped to the floor.
"Oh come on!" Evin cried. "Who wouldn't rather have a moat than a stupid flowerbed? Flowerbed's are so average."
"You know what's average?" Miri growled suddenly. "This house. You people. The whole freaking world. I mean, will it take until the last tree is chopped down, when the rivers are polluted and dead and birds no longer light up our skies for us the realise that we CAN'T EAT MONEY?!"
"That was a very nice ecological speech." Jon toasted her with his spoon, as Evin had taken his coffee, from his place at the table.
Daine scowled at him. "'Very nice'?! God Jon, could you come up with something a little more bland you vocabulary-challenged retard?"
"YOU CALL YOURSELF A CEO BOY?" Evin roared, thumping one manicured hand down hard on the table.
"Yes, bad, very bad." Miri resumed her daze.
George frowned as he resumed fanning the unconscious Thayet. "Just outta interest; does she turn that stupor on and off at will?"
Evin shrugged. "Yeah, it seems to come and go."
"It lives within me, society sucking at my soul, the alphabet written in my blood." Miri sprouted randomly.
Evin nodded knowingly. "Yes Minx, that is some lovely Myspace poetry."
Daine looked around with disinterest before taking out her phone. With an internal giggle she set about txt teasing her beau.
U ready 2 bcum a daddy?
The response was instantaneous;
You're pregnant?!
Daine gave a devious smirk as she put her phone on the table. It would do him good to sweat for a while, especially at work.
Jon suddenly frowned. "Oi Cooper, what happened to my wife?"
George scowled. "It took you until now to realise she'd fainted?"
Jon blinked. "Oh…right."
"Argh!" Daine screamed in frustration. "You fail as a husband!"
"Not true," Jon defended. "I perform my husbandly duties very well thank you."
"Sticking your cock in her vajay-jay, succulent as it may be, doesn't count as being a good husband." Evin included himself in the family conversation.
Daine winced. "I'm going to pretend that you didn't use the word succulent to describe my foster mother's vagina. Jon, you are a fuckhead. I know it, you know, it's established that everyone knows it. But dude, your goddamn wife is unconscious on the floor and George is the one helping her. Do you not see something wrong with that?"
"Yeah, 'tard." Evin added for good measure.
Jon frowned and stood, walking to his wife. George moved out of his way as he approached. Daine decided her job was done.
"Bitches, let's go!" Daine announced and swaggered out of the room, cat still perched on her head. A few moments later she returned and dragged both Miri and Evin by the hair after her.
No one ruined Daine Sarrasri's dramatic exits.
She also conveniently left Mr Pinky behind for Thayet. With a husband like Jonathan, she'd need it.
A head, formerly blonde, now dyed brown with muddy water, popped up as an arm flopped over the windowsill and with a grunt, Selda pushed her upper body up and over the windowsill and into the house with a crash.
She wasn't paid the slightest bit of attention though; both Jon and George being too busy fussing over Thayet to notice her sitting in a puddle of brown liquid.
(A/n snigger)
Selda seethed to herself silently on the floor before her gaze fell on a diamante covered phone sitting innocently on the table…
Jonathan cursed his lack of medical knowledge as he wandered through the many bathrooms in the Conté house.
Thayet had hit her head when she fainted; it wasn't serious but there was still a little blood. Since Jon didn't know where his wife kept the first aid pack, George had instructed him to get a roll of toilet paper instead.
This was harder then it appeared.
There didn't seem to be a single roll in the whole bloody house. Just what kind of a housekeeper was his wife?
He sighed in annoyance and went to the next bathroom which just happened to be his foster daughter's. In the doorway he stared at the twenty-six rolls of toilet paper stacked in Daine's bathroom.
Jon decided that he would not even ask.
Stepping into the messy bathroom, dodging the clothes, makeup and glitter than were splayed over the marbled floor, he selected a couple of rolls and made his way out of the room.
His foot caught on a mix of thong, body-spray can and sequinned top and he stumbled, kicking over Daine's trashcan in turn. Jon swore to himself and bent to clean up the new mess.
But the sight of a thin white stick with a blue line made him freeze.
Mmm…cliff hanger. And it's only going to get worse. I'm not going to reveal anything but if you read carefully between the lines (even go back a couple of chapters) then you could even guess. I figured a way to get kitten in there, Daine ditches Selda and Thayet faints lots. By the way, head injuries usually bleed heaps, she's not badly injured. Anyways G-units. Review and all that shit. You all know the drill. Peace out!
We are not amused… (Ahaha, we so are!)
Love Queen Cocaine
XX