Till Our Lives Burn Out

Chapter 6 – This Is How We Fight

(Part 5)

Epigraphs:

Faust: ... What to all of mankind is apportioned

I mean to savor in my own self's core,

Grasp with my mind both highest and most low,

Weigh down my spirit with their weal and woe.

Mephisto: Oh, take my word, who for millennia past

Has had this rocky fare to chomp,

That from his first breath to his last

No man digests that ancient sourdough lump!

Believe the likes of us; the whole

Is made but for a god's delight!

Goethe's Faust

--

"Pragmatism is great in theory, but it doesn't work in practice."

– Sidney Morgenbesser

--

"Beautiful, this suffering in the moment of destruction."

-Sailor Saturn, Infinity Arc (Manga)

A/N: I'm finally getting to post the stuff I've been looking forward to posting. There are many other takes on these characters, and only their creator, Naoko Takeuchi, can judge who is right, but this is how I see them, and I hope you will begin to see why I find them so very intriguing, and why I think this story worth telling. Enjoy, if you can.

It took Hotaru only two days to realize what had happened. She noticed that Kuryakin had, apparently, left very suddenly. She tried to call him the next day, and got no answer, so she left a message. He did not return it. She tried again Thursday. Nothing. She thought of a roundabout way to bring it up. Friday morning, as they finished eating their breakfast, she came right out and asked.

"Setsuna-momma."

"Yes, Hotaru?"

"When are you and Mister Kuryakin going out next?"

Setsuna wasn't quite sure how to answer this. She was hoping, against hope it seemed, that Hotaru would not notice for a bit longer. It was a sign of just how much she had emotionally invested in this that she so closely 'monitored the situation.' Strangely, Michiru intervened.

"Hotaru, come upstairs with me, please."

Haruka looked at her with surprise, as did Setsuna.

"Yes, Michiru-momma."

They entered her and Haruka's bedroom. She sat down on the bed and patted the space next to her. Hotaru jumped up and settled in.

"Let Setsuna be for a while."

"Why?" Hotaru said after a pause. "It doesn't seem to be bothering too her much."

"That's because she hides things so well."

"I really want to know what happened."

"It's really not your business."

"It was her, not him, I'm sure of it," she said, not really listening to Michiru.

"Hotaru, you did your part. You brought them together. It just didn't work out, that's all."

"You mean, they spent a lot of time together and decided they weren't compatible?"

"Yes."

"That's not true. She spent as little time with him as she thought she could get away with. She was just pretending. Leading him on, I think it's called. Because of me, I guess."

"Oh goodness, you are quick, little princess," Michiru said with a sigh. "I did warn you about this. I'm afraid this sort of thing is always going to be a troubled story with us. The truth is, even among the Inner Planet Senshi, this doesn't go smoothly either. They all act boy crazy, and they mean it, as much as they can, but none of them –except for Usagi, of course- would know a long term relationship if it jumped and kicked them. None of them really has anyone either. They're really rather childish, where as we were 'born old' as they say."

"Childish or 'born old,' it doesn't seem to make any difference one way or the other. Except for the Princess, and you and Haruka-poppa, I guess we are all doomed in this regard. So," she added moodily, "I guess there's no point in asking if he can teach me until April."

"Hotaru, I'm not going to try and tell you how you should feel, but you should consider that you might have to forget about him."

Her eyes misted at the thought of that.

"Why?"

To Hotaru it was a terrible thought to begin with, made the more so by how it revealed that Michiru-momma apparently didn't understand at all how she was feeling. Hotaru herself hadn't quite understood it either, but that was a cold thing to say.

"Setsuna was … very firm about it."

"You saw it happen, didn't you?"

"Heard it, yes. When I went down to get some more of that remarkable wine. And I know that it was difficult for her to do."

Hotaru was looking more disconsolate by the minute.

"I know these last four months were a fine time for you," Michiru continued, sensing she needed to apologize for something. "It was nice having someone kind and thoughtful fretting over you like that."

Hotaru thought for a few moments about that. "You've always done that."

"Well, I mean …"

"You mean a man doing that?"

"That, and he was an outsider, yes."

"That was the nicest part. He wasn't obligated in any way. I mean he was, but it wasn't just a job to him. I'm sure it wasn't."

"Yes, I know that for a fact," said Michiru.

"I caused this. If he's hurting, it's my fault."

"Of course he's hurting. It would have happened sooner or later, even without any help on your part. He is very much in love with her, and … well, I did warn you," said Michiru, very maternally.

"No. If he'd done it in his own good time, it might have worked," Hotaru said glumly.

"Hindsight is always perfect, eh? I really doubt the outcome would have been any different."

"I'm sure that Setsuna-momma felt something for him."

"I think you're right."

"And it didn't matter one bit in the end," she said, as an unbidden tear trickled down her cheek.

There was a knock at the door of the bedroom.

"Michiru? Hotaru?" Haruka's voice called through the door. "It's time to go."

As Hotaru followed Haruka and Michiru around school, she was trying to piece together what, exactly, happened and wondering how she felt about it. The longer she thought on it, the less pleasant the answer became. It was when they passed the room where she had taken her written tests that the sense of foreboding that had been all but annihilated in the last four months sprang upon her like a panther on a lamb. Fear, a bit of anger, her own love for her teacher, her certainty that Setsuna was, in some way, denying herself and the unresolved 'why' of it all combined in her mind, and gave birth to this resolution:

Tonight, the Cold Look was going to get a real workout.

On the way home from Funabashi Academy, Michiru noticed she had a message from a music store in Kisarazu where she had taken her violin bow for restringing. They were nearly home but the message said her bow was ready. Always loathe to have her violin or any part of it out of her keeping one minute longer than necessary, she asked Haruka to turn around. As Haruka checked the traffic to make the turn, Hotaru asked if they could take her home first.

"Are you sure?" Haruka asked. "What if we take you to Choeki's Bakery for a strawberry treacle tart?"

"I'd just rather go home, but … thank you, Haruka-poppa."

They dropped her off and she went inside.

"I wonder if leaving her alone like this is a good idea, just now," said Michiru as they headed back down the driveway.

"We'll come straight back, but the music store is only two blocks from the bakery. I'll run get her a tart while you check the work on your bow."

When Setsuna got home, Hotaru was sitting in the receiving room, listening to that music box Kuryakin had given her. As she stood at the door putting her jacket up in the closet, she sighed. On the whole, she actually had a pretty good day at the university. For the first time in three days, there were moments where she had actually been able to forget Kuryakin-san completely. Well, almost anyway. That melody instantly resurrected everything she'd begun to bury. She went into the kitchen to start dinner, or actually to finish it, since tonight was going to be leftovers night, and she had only to reheat everything. After tolerating two more iterations of the tune, she said, "Hotaru, please put that away, and go wash up for dinner." Hotaru said nothing, but complied. Ten minutes later Setsuna called to her.

"Hotaru, dinner is ready."

She came down the stairs, sat in her chair, and looked straight ahead. Setsuna brought her some of the casserole, and poured her a glass of lime soda. Outside, Haruka and Michiru were pulling into the driveway. They had taken only forty minutes to complete their errand, but as they came in, an argument was underway. It had started simply enough. Setsuna noted Hotaru's moodiness. She easily guessed what it was about, and decided it would be best to get it out in the open.

"Hotaru, please talk with me. Tell me of your thoughts."

She did, and it quickly and unexpectedly escalated. Neither of them had gotten loud –yet- but it was such a shock, they might as well have been screaming at the tops of their lungs.

"You have very strong feelings for him …"

"… I do not …"

" … and you used him, and you hurt him. And you did it willingly. "

"No," said Setsuna, calmly enough for the moment, "that is not true. I did not do it happily, which is what you really mean."

"Oh? Well, if you did not do it happily, then it must be because you do feel something for him."

Setsuna took a deep, calming breath, and said, "Hotaru, I did what was necessary to see you through those tests, and to complete the purpose for which we let him teach you in the first place."

"Don't try to hide what you did behind me. You hurt him and I'm ashamed of the part I played in it. And I am ashamed of you. Of us all," she added, for Michiru and Haruka were standing in the door way. "We just use people; we've even used each other. We must really think we're something."

'Oh boy,' mouthed Haruka to Michiru. Whatever part Kuryakin-san and Setsuna's feelings for him might have played in all this, it was clear that Hotaru had long been pondering all the great existential questions concerning the Sailor Senshi: duty, destiny, methods, outcomes, everything was about to come under scrutiny. Hotaru's time with Kuryakin may have brought it out, but neither of "The Kittens" could blame him, since it would have come out sooner or later. This was shaping up to be an interesting next few minutes.

"Hotaru, you are being unfair."

"Our princess is 'that which embraces all things,'" she continued, undeterred. Everything she'd been thinking all afternoon was going to come out. "We, on the other hand, are really quite cold and snobbish. We love only what we want to, and tolerate only where we have no choice. I've never in my life, met someone - who wasn't one of us- that cared more about me than about himself. He was in love with you the moment he saw you. He even accepted me, without reservation, though he knew I was going to be trouble. He didn't need our money. I believe now he would have taught me for free, except that would have been too obvious of him. I can't believe you couldn't see what a good man he was."

"I could see it, yes," Setsuna admitted. 'Where is all this coming from?' she wondered. It wouldn't be the last time she would ask that question this evening.

"That just makes what you've done all the more … ugly. How cold of you. We're all so cold. I am the called the Soldier of Silence, of Death and Rebirth. It sounds all cool and mighty. I even thought there was beauty in the suffering at the moment of destruction. I suppose there is, but there's no getting around how it is like the beauty of a woman dying in childbirth, desperately, even hopelessly, trying to give birth to something better. It is love unmitigated, dying before you very eyes; the glory in the sacrifice: that is the beauty in the suffering at the moment of destruction. The only good thing about me is that in using my power, I had to go down with whomever I was destroying, so at least I avoided the hypocrisy of destroying worlds from a safe distance. You went down with me, the last time - the last two times really. Remember how that hurt?"

Haruka and Michiru looked down at the floor. Regarding "the last time," they were never glad to remember that. They had done the best they knew, and they had suffered, too, and died, but the failure, the futility, of that feigned betrayal was something they could never live down, even though Pluto and Saturn had truly forgiven it as "the way we fight." As Sailor Starfighter had noticed, only the faith that if they failed somehow Sailor Moon would still win the day had given them the courage to try it. None of that made it any less painful.

"Why do we see threats everywhere? Y'know what our real transformation is? When we become ourselves again, instead of these weapons we're made to be. That's what we are, living weapons always watching for the next great battle. When all you are is a weapon, everything looks like a war and everyone looks like an enemy. Or just something else you use to achieve your ends. It's one thing to do that in a desperate fight. It's another to do that in a peaceable time to someone who never did any harm. The Inner Senshi have it right. A weapon is something you lay aside as soon as you safely can. They know that good has to be lived and enjoyed as well as defended. You can have your unrequited love, keep fulfillment at bay for all time and feel all tragic if you want. You want tragic? Up until now, the only time I ever awaken is when something must be ended, and me along with it. I've never lived. Now that's tragic. Perhaps it's good that we don't have much to do with the Inner Senshi, or with her. We might mess them up."

"Hotaru," Setsuna said, urgently and even desperately. "Where is all this coming from? What is wrong?"

"I'll tell you what's wrong. I know what I really am now, what we all are. We're the sacrificial lambs. We are expendable. We aren't allowed to get too close to anything or we might not be able to 'do what is necessary.' Y'know what I am? I am the Self Destruct Mechanism, the Doomsday Weapon, and the Destroyer of the Invalid Old. I know now. The Moon Kingdom had a tiny flaw at its heart. I don't know what exactly, but I'm sure there was something and I'll figure it out. When Reality finally revealed the flaw, I was summoned, and dropped the Glaive. Queen Serenity may not have known it. Or maybe she did. But I know why she gave her life: so that something better could be born."

Hotaru was getting a very focused and impenetrable look on her face.

"Has it? Is this better? There was no choice, but still, she should have never let us be born on this earth. Not us Outer Senshi anyway. We've been isolated and at our posts too long. We see the light of our queen and princess, but we were too far away to feel any warmth. We don't even know what it feels like or how to feel anymore. But now I've lived, and felt the warmth, and it's good. I'll do my duty when the time comes, but I'm never going back out into the cold. I want to live, and love, and dream, and drink the cups of sorrow and joy down to the bottom. And the next time I do my duty, I want to do it having felt everything there is to feel, even the worst things: every pain, every crushed hope, every broken heart, every pang of death. I will hold nothing back till my life burns out."

"Has he been teaching you these things?" Setsuna asked.

She looked very dejected now. "Not in so many words. He taught me by being who he was. You don't understand. You're still doing it. Seeing an enemy where there is none so you can justify what you've done. And you're using me to keep yourself hidden from your own heart. I know there's something there. You have no idea what a wonderful thing I've experienced over these last few months. You even saw some of it yourself, like that night at the hospital. I know what it is to be surrounded by the warmth of our Princess - by being with him. He is like her. He has the same light, the same warmth. It's different, too; active, not passive. But somehow, it's the same. Now it's over. He'll never want to see me, because to see me he'll have to remember you. Now I feel what people feel when something special to them really comes to an end."

"Hotaru …"

"I know you care for him."

"No, I do not."

"You're lying, Setsuna-momma."

"Hotaru!" she yelled, and then immediately regretted it. It was the first time she'd ever spoken in anger to her. Hotaru's thoughts had run their course. She looked at Setsuna, hurt and tearful, and quailed before this rebuke; she was indeed a very obedient girl. The deep and abiding love shown to her by all her guardians so obligated her, she felt, and yet he could not understand why Setsuna refused to admit it. Actually, she realized, she could understand. This was how Setsuna became Setsuna, putting duty before all else, even herself. It wasn't that she didn't feel something for Kuryakin-sensei; she just couldn't believe her own hopes merited any consideration in the big picture ever before her garnet eyes.

"I think he knew what I was doing, and went along with it," said Setsuna, by way of apologizing for the anger with which she'd just spoken.

"I think you're just hoping he did," she said, finding unexpected strength to reply, "so you don't have to feel any guilt over it."

"I do not feel any guilt over it."

Perhaps she didn't. Perhaps this was part of those many things that she had not yet grasped about Setsuna Meioh and her alter ego.

"If he did go along that just makes it worse," she said, sulkiness creeping back into her voice. "It means he cared so much about me he would even let you do that to him."

"I do not think he is hurt, really."

"Then you really don't see how in love with you he is."

"Then he shall have to get over it. It was necessary. You had to get through those tests. Now that is done. He is an outsider. Not one of us, nor part of us. Has nothing to do with us," Setsuna said softly and apologetically. "He was getting … too close. He is very smart. Who knows what he might have figured out? There is something strange about him and he hid it from us."

"There's something strange about us and we hid it from him."

"Of course, we did. Hotaru, you are being unreasonable here. We cannot have … " This conversation was going around in circles, Setsuna realized. Really, it was about one thing, and one thing only. She went to her, turned her chair out and put her hands on Hotaru's shoulders.

"Hotaru, listen to me. I … I am never, ever going to have anyone that way. It is my destiny, my duty. I am proud of my duty. It is the meaning of my life. Not everyone gets someone like that. Some of us just do without."

"That's so sad," Hotaru whispered, as once again her own heart ached with the realization of how beautiful Setsuna-momma was, and she wondered how much greater the effect had been on Kuryakin.

"Sadness is our natural state. There has never been a happiness that wasn't tinged with it."

"Really? You see everything, the sadness and the happiness. Why is the sadness always so real, and the happiness always the illusion? Just because it's not permanent? I'm the Senshi of Death and I'm not that morbid."

"Happiness is fragile," Setsuna said. "More fragile than you can imagine. It has be guarded so very carefully and with our utmost determination."

"Even if it means some of us will never know happiness?"

"For the common good, yes."

"What good is a common good, if not everyone can taste of it?"

"It is my choice to make, Hotaru."

Hotaru had said everything she wanted to say, and everything she had been thinking that afternoon. She had sounded bitterer than she meant to, but in that moment, it was the truth as she saw it. Now, though, she felt badly and wanted to take back the bitterness. "It's okay. I still love you, Setsuna-momma, because I really want to, more than ever. That's my choice to make. And you need it now, more than ever. You … were very wrong."

"Hotaru, where are you going?" Setsuna asked as Hotaru pushed her way past.

'That's it,' Hotaru thought, as she all but ran upstairs. 'This is about our tragic destinies. Is there no hope for us, no way to avoid it? Are we the sacrificial lambs, who must live in continual death, so that utopia can come? Oh Queen, did you give us these tasks, knowing we would never taste of the rewards for ourselves? Is that why we were kept far away, lest we hoped for more than you and your beautiful light could ever deliver? If so, I will obey. But is there no higher court of appeal? Oh, please, someone, anyone, isn't there something more? I don't care about myself. Haruka-poppa and Michiru-momma have each other, but please, for my Setsuna-momma, is there nothing more?'

She threw herself into her bed, and quietly sobbed.

Haruka and Michiru sat down at the table, while Setsuna returned to her seat looking very pensive. There was something now between her and Hotaru. Worse too, there was now something between her and … her unrequited love. Henceforth, she was never going to be able to think of Endymion without thinking of Kuryakin. By every practical measure, she was sure she had done the right thing. He had even admitted after a fashion that she was right, and he had meant it. It was the best thing for Hotaru. He had even placed Hotaru's need before his own very strong feelings for Setsuna.

"Where did all that come from?" Setsuna wondered. Some of the things Hotaru had said hit closer to the mark than she was comfortable with.

"How wise she's grown," said Michiru, who was starting to look a bit despondent herself. "She's like a volcano. She goes along, simmering and brooding, and then boom. It must be hard on her. She's really facing the great struggle we all face now. Her mind has raced so far ahead of her heart and her body, that as … ahem … Mister Kuryakin predicted at the dolphinarium- this was bound to happen. She said nothing that we all haven't thought at one time or another. Or am I wrong?"

Kuryakin had said much the same thing to Setsuna, but admitting anything to do with him was the last thing she wanted to do now. She was livid at the man, and the way he had insinuated himself into their ordered lives.

"Not that it was ever in doubt," said Haruka, who listened to this with a knowing smile hidden behind her pensive pose, "but she's definitely one of us."

"This is all his fault," Setsuna fumed.

"Fault? I'm not necessarily imparting blame here."

"I am. I blame myself first of all. That was a mistake from the beginning and I knew it."

"She was being a bit harsh," Haruka said. "She just really bonded with this teacher and she doesn't understand why her plan to get you two together didn't work. She'll be okay, soon."

"Bonded? Never have I seen such a crush," said Setsuna.

'Oh really?' thought Michiru, chuckling inside. If only half the things Hotaru had noticed were true, there was something going on there no matter how much she denied it.

"Well," said Haruka, "I wouldn't say it's a crush exactly, but some kind of bonding was pretty much inevitable. You know how it works with foreign teachers. In the school system, they purposely put girls with guy teachers and vice versa. And she was his only student, the center of attention. It was his job to think about her, night and day, really."

"If you knew this was going to happen," asked Setsuna with some consternation, "why did you not say something at the beginning?"

"Because I didn't see it as a bad thing. Michiru said he was trustworthy. That was good enough for me. Besides, you knew it would happen too, didn't you?"

"In the abstract, I suppose, yes. I only went along with it because Miyuki-chan was sure he could help her."

"And he hasn't?" countered Haruka. "In some ways, it's been wonderful for her. She's sharper than ever. She's even stronger physically. Look how she expressed herself with your birthday gift. Look at how she's growing. She's becoming who he is. Just because that's causing problems for us – or for you, really - doesn't make it a bad thing."

"Besides," said Michiru, "she's not the only one who has some sort of crush on him."

"What has made you believe this of me?" Setsuna asked.

"I didn't say it was you," replied Michiru.

'Now watch this, Haruka' she winked to her lover.

"Oh? Yes, of course, it must be Haruka you are speaking of. How silly of me. You two shall make a wonderful couple."

Michiru and Haruka simply looked at each other and shook their heads.

"She really doesn't know," said Haruka. "It's so cute."

"You'd think she would. She notices everything about everyone else."

"It's so girlish, …"

" … so starry eyed,"

"… so teeny bopper,"

"… so romantic of her."

"It's terribly cute," they said together.

"Please cease speaking of me as if I am not here."

Both of them smiled at her.

"Ah," said Michiru, with great wistfulness, "Setsuna Meioh in love. What is the universe coming to?"

"I always wondered what it would look like. Who knew it would be so … interesting?"

"No," Setsuna said firmly, "you could not be deeper in error."

"Oy," said Haruka, "this is more serious than we thought. She must be completely out of her mind for him."

Setsuna shook her head in exasperation. Michiru became very serious.

"Setsuna, think about how you've been acting for the last four months."

"In what way have I acted uncharacteristically?"

Haruka chuckled wickedly, which for her was the equivalent bursting out in peals of laughter.

"Hotaru's first day with him?" she began, "That evening you talked with him on the phone for an hour and ten minutes."

"One hour, nine minutes and fourteen seconds."

"Oh, 46 seconds," Haruka smiled, "that makes all the difference, silly us … Setsuna, you have never, in my hearing, spent more than five minutes on the phone with anyone."

"You make jokes now, you hum little tunes now and then," said Michiru.

"You tailed him," said Haruka, as Michiru chuckled and shook her head, "I can't believe you actually did that. You were obsessed with finding out everything you could about the guy …"

"He could be a threat …"

"Setsuna," Michiru said with finality, "in the last four months there were times, a few, but there were times where you seemed … happy. Really, honest-to-God, not-a-care-in-the-world, fly-me-to-the-moon happy."

Finally, she was seeing herself as everyone else had seen her these last four months. She was shocked.

"Very well. I understand how might have given the mistaken impression that I … I …," she paused, sighed and then gave in. "I admit that I feel something for him. He is kind, and smart, and very likeable. He is strange, and handsome, in his way. And yes," she said, her eyes misting, "that night he kissed me was the sweetest thing I've ever known. But I am … never going to have anyone that way. I can not. Too much has been put on me and I must remain true to it. I must."

"I thought that's how you'd feel."

"But the fact remains," Haruka said, "you led the guy on, for Hotaru's sake, yes, but … maybe he didn't deserve that."

"I am reasonably sure he knew what I was doing."

"Possibly. But even so, it looks like he had really fallen for you, and doubt that makes it any less painful," Haruka said. "So that's probably why Hotaru is so upset. She's mad that you weren't honest about it, and even madder that you used it like something … to be thrown away."

"And she's mad," Michiru continued, "because he won't be. He's …"

"… too good a guy," Haruka, said completing the thought. "… and he's too in love with you."

"Haruka," Michiru said, looking a bit shocked, "you are just full of surprises these days."

"Just being honest," she shrugged. "I admit it. I think it's nice that he's in love with you. He seems pretty self-contained. Like you. And then one look at a pretty face and suddenly he feels … incomplete. Yes, Michiru, he is a good guy. If he weren't a guy, and so brainy, I would almost say Hotaru is right. He does share certain aura with her. Funny that. Uncanny really. I try to dislike him. He was kind of a jerk to me at the fish pond, so I shouldn't have had any trouble disliking him, but somehow … I couldn't stay mad at him. Not for two minutes. Maybe you are hiding from something, Setsuna, and hiding behind her. I don't know of course. Anyway, I say too much now. It's not my business, and I don't handle this stuff well." Haruka got up to leave.

"That is the point Hotaru seemed to be making," said Setsuna.

"This is this, and that is that," she smiled. "I don't like butting in to anyone's personal life like this, but the point Hotaru was making was that you may have felt something genuine, but you didn't like where it was taking you, and you used it –quite ruthlessly- both to deceive him and manipulate her, and protect yourself from it in the process. IOW, you wrecked it on purpose. That is what I think she was saying." Haruka winked at her.

"I never protect myself. I was protecting our Princess, and her future. That is the only thing I protect, and the only thing I am interested in protecting."

"Yes, yes. That guy is such a threat to our Princess."

"He might be."

"Oy, oy, I'm the biggest xenophobe here. I just don't see it. You think too much. You've always been the most introspective of us."

"Of course, I spend much time thinking," said Setsuna. "I have had plenty of time for that. For most of my existence, that is all I have had. Hotaru should be glad she has not had so much of it. I am proud of my duty. It was an honor to be trusted with it. It is hard, and that is why I am so proud to be the one to bear it. We must always be vigilant."

"Yes, we are what we are, and this is how we fight," said Haruka reflexively. "We're always more or less at war. And that's why you used someone –very effectively - and then slammed the door. Sometimes hard decisions have to be made. That's our job. We aren't the kind to second-guess ourselves."

"And that, too … is the point Hotaru was making."

"That's what I'm saying," Haruka smiled, as though she'd finally made the point she wanted to, and then she left the room. "I'm going to bed now."

She left, and went upstairs, but before going into her bedroom, she stopped and looked in on Hotaru. Hotaru probably didn't want anyone to bother her just now, and she would honor that by not speaking unless spoken to first. Hotaru was facing away from her, and as she approached her, she curled up tightly as if to say, "buzz off." Not one to be deterred though, Haruka sat down on the bed beside her, and stroked the littlest Senshi's hair for a minute.

'Oh Hotaru, my kitten, my princess, you're growing up. There are … compensations, but it's not all it's cracked up to be, is it?'

She leaned over, kissed her and left.

Back downstairs, Michiru was very pensive. Levity notwithstanding, this had been a strange few minutes, and it was leaving an increasingly sour taste in her mouth. She had suspected what Setsuna was doing even before she'd overheard that conversation. She felt very sad when she heard it. She wanted to be wrong about that. Aside from how Haruka had amazed her by nearly everything she'd just said, Setsuna had just shown the tiniest flash of the inner struggles her task as a Senshi had imposed upon her all those eons. Michiru couldn't think of one time that had ever happened. Setsuna was a rock when it came to the hardships of her duty. She did not doubt for a minute that Setsuna was proud to bear her duty and that it gave her life a meaning more important than happiness. She did it so well, with such grace, no one ever thought to wonder just what price she was paying. But then, they all projected-intentionally- such an aura of cool, no one ever seemed to think they were paying any price, or ever bothered to care what price any of Outer Planet Senshi were paying, really. There are things that do not bear close scrutiny; that was happening now, in spades. Hotaru was the one who brought it on.

"Setsuna," she asked, "Did you love Endymion simply because he was forbidden?"

"Of course not. Even in my youth, I was not such a fool to fall for such silliness."

"Let me rephrase that. Did you continue to love him because he was forbidden?"

"I loved him because I love him," she said, with a sigh. "I was all alone and sometimes he would come and visit. The queen knew. She even sent him. I think she felt sorry for me. She can not bear to be alone, and she must think no one else can bear it either. In a way, I think she was showing her trust in me. Or her trust in him. She had so much, and all I had was my duty. She could afford to be 'generous.' I guess she was 'sharing' him with me, a little. I know how things must be. That settles it. In its place, I have had to accept other loves. Small Lady, and now Hotaru."

"Destroyer of the Invalid Old, huh? There's no denying the effect Kuryakin-san has had on her. But she's passed her tests. She'll start Funabashi Academy with us next term. What's done is done."

"This is not so melodramatic as 'what is done is done' makes it sound," said Setsuna defensively.

"Perhaps not to you. Give her a few days to work this out. She'll be all right. However the goal was accomplished, it has been accomplished. All's well that ends … or … something."

"I shall retire now."

"That's probably a good idea."

Thirty minutes later Setsuna was brushing out her hair, a fifteen minute process that, like her job, gave her plenty of time for reflection on the day's events. "The Destroyer of the Invalid Old," that was what she'd said. Where had she heard that phrase? And then she remembered: Kuryakin-san's lecture. He had used that phrase when a member of the audience asked a question about the influence of Greek thought on European History. In the concise and very opinionated discourse that followed, she remembered hearing him say "…whereas I, along with Kierkegaard, see Socrates as primarily an ironist, and a destroyer of the invalid old." She couldn't help it anymore. She was beginning loathe the man. Ten minutes later, she repented that, because where is guilt, we come to hate the person we've wronged, because their very existence reminds us of our guilt. Setsuna understood this as well or better than anyone. She would not fall into that trap. She had no reason to feel guilt she told herself. She was in some fashion Hotaru's mother. What would any mother worthy of the name not do for the sake of her child? She had done nothing wrong.

Haruka was propped up reading a book, but her mind was drifting. It had, indeed, been an interesting evening. Eventually, her thoughts came around to why Michiru was taking so long in the bathroom. There was never any formal arrangement -so little between them really required any words- but Michiru always used the bathroom connected to the bedroom as her own, while Haruka often used the separate bath down the hall. If Michiru wasn't using 'her bathroom,' Haruka was free to use it, and would often just wait her out rather than …

She heard the sound of the hair dryer stop and then the sound of someone slumping to the floor.

"Michiru?!" she called as she quickly got out of bed. Haruka opened the bathroom door and saw Michiru sitting on the floor. Her expression was desolate.

"Haruka …"

"What's wrong, Michiru?" she asked as she crouched down to look her in the eye.

"Just hold me. Please."

Haruka saw her hairbrush in the corner. She must have been drying her hair out in front of the vanity. Haruka wrapped her arms around her. Michiru never cried outwardly, but Haruka could tell she was 'weeping on the inside.' From time to time, even the toughness of the Outer Planet Senshi had its limits, especially when they had to look at themselves in the mirror. After a while, she calmed down.

"I killed her, Haruka. It was my blast that took her star seed. I've never really felt it until now. I think tonight we saw just a glimpse of how much Setsuna has suffered. And the thought that 'I killed her' suddenly overwhelmed me. Do you remember the pain in their faces when …"

"Yes," Haruka said dismally as she closed her eyes for a moment. "I remember."

"One more futile, thankless, pointless death for each of us," Michiru shuddered. "No wonder Hotaru is having such trouble. Our choices are always so hard. Why us, why do we …?"

"I'm here, Michiru," Haruka said very tenderly into her ear.

"I'm sorry. We're supposed to be stronger than this," she whispered.

"Contrary to what some might think, we're not machines. It's all right, Mi-chan. We can show weakness, as long as it's to each other."

"Exactly, Haruka, we have each other. But they aren't like us, neither of them. What do they have, when – as you said- only through love does anything matter?"

"So you were pulling for him, too?"

"I don't know. But I do know I was pulling for Hotaru, … and Setsuna. They are so closely linked."

"So that's why you've been down lately. You could feel what she was doing, couldn't you? Dear, beautiful Michi … I know you're a little upset right now," she continued, "but … this is a really nice moment for me."

Michiru's breathing still shuddered from the inward sobbing, but otherwise she remained silent. Haruka turned Michiru's face to her own, and smiled that confident, little smirk.

"I know I do a lot of boyish things, and I have a man's heart, but … I really am a woman, and sometimes, to be a woman is to be very insecure. So … it's nice to know that you really do need me."

"Of course, I need you. So, … does this mean that you'll stop flirting with other girls?"

Pause.

"No."

Michiru giggled, then Haruka looked at her very matter-of-factly.

"Michiru, I think it's time you told me what you saw in your talisman."

She did.

"Weird," said Haruka pensively. "What do you think it means?"

Michiru stood up.

"It means that we hope she knows what she's doing. He … this … all of it, has her blessing. So you and I let this play out, no matter how it goes. No matter what."

"Okay."