Chapter 21: When Love Isn't Enough



Sami sat down on the couch. Few seconds later she was on her feet again and pacing around the room. After few turns she forced herself sit down again. Then someone knocked on the door.
"EJ!" She ran to the door and flung it wide open.
"Brandon? What are you doing here?"
"You called me remember? You sounded so anxious that I had to come and see you. To make sure you are alright", her visitor said as he stepped closer and scooped her into a tight embrace.
"I didn't call you so you would come here", Sami said resentfully, "I called you so you would have time to leave town before EJ finds you. Brandon, please go." Sami pulled back from his arms and met his eyes. Brandon could read the worry and the anticipation in her gaze.
"Samantha, what happened?" Brandon demanded.
"We had a fight and EJ stormed out. I haven't seen him since and I'm getting worried", Sami said while wrapping her arms around her torso as if to hold herself together.
"What did you fight about?" Brandon asked.
"Don't ask", was her silent plea.
"Did you tell him about us?"
"There's no us. Will you please get that through your thick skull. I love my husband and I'm going to stay with him. If he'll still have me."
"Samantha, you are mad", Brandon shook his head, "If I had known."
"If you would have known what?" Sami pressed.
"Nothing Samantha", Brandon said silently, "I'll say this though. If he doesn't chuck you away because you cheated on him, he truly loves you. But if he leaves you because of that other thing, it wasn't really you he loved, was it? And in that case, Samantha dear, you should ask yourself why did you stay with him all those years. You clearly knew how he would react to the truth? Why were you willing to cling to an illusion?"
"Brandon, get out", Sami said more emphatically now.

"Maybe he should stay", another voice said.
"EJ! This is not what it looks like."
"Calm down Samantha", EJ said with a tired voice, "I know nothing happened, today." He looked at Brandon with crestfallen eyes.
"Brandon Walker I presume. We have not been formally introduced, but-"
"I know who you are", Brandon said slowly, "EJ Wells-DiMera. Samantha's husband. It's enough for me." EJ laughed with a dull voice. So he hadn't been the first to call her with her full name either. It was amazing how similar he and Brandon were and yet so different. If Brandon loved the good girl in Samantha half as much as EJ loved the bad, she would have a shoulder to lean on.
"Samantha and I have something to discuss about. I would appreciate if you would stay a while and wait", EJ breathed emphasising her name, "She might need a friend to talk to afterwards.
"If you hurt her-" Brandon's threat was cut off with another dead laugh.
"It seems I have no choice", EJ explained, "Well I do have a choice, but all my options include an element of hurt for her. I'll either hurt her now or years from now. Which would you prefer I choose?" Brandon glanced at the woman standing between them.
"I'll wait outside", he said and walked through the door to the veranda.

Sami watched Brandon close the door behind him and turned to face EJ.
"What was that about?" she asked.
"Shall we go to the parlour? I think you'll want to sit down for this", EJ suggested with fake blitheness. Sami wanted to fight. She wanted to stop him and demand to know where he had been. She wanted to know what he was thinking. But she had feared this moment for too long to expedite the inevitable. Sami let EJ lead her to the parlour. She couldn't look at the walls she had once helped to repair nor could she look at the broken hearted man in front of her. EJ didn't create false distance between them, when he chose to sit opposite her on the sofa table. He reached out for her hands and closed them in his. His touch was warm and comforting but his eyes were cold and impervious.
"EJ", Sami started but didn't know how to continue. He just sat there waiting for her to say what she wanted to say.
"I'm sorry", she finally whispered averting her eyes. She felt him squeeze her hands lightly before she heard his words:
"Sorry about what?"
"About Brandon. About the baby. About you and your news. I'm so sorry about so many things."
"Don't be", he said gently and her head jerked up.
"You couldn't have known about my situation or affect the outcome in any way", he comforted her.
"I could have taken you to see a doctor."
"You tried", he reminded her, "And as for Brandon. I understand. I may not like it or condone but I understand." Sami was shocked.
"How could you? How could you possibly understand? I had sex with another man and now I'm pregnant possibly with his baby", Sami exclaimed.

"I thought you said the baby was mine", EJ flashed her a skewed, sad smile. She wanted to hit him with a heavy object. He saw the lightning in her eyes and said:
"I understand because I know why you did it."
"How could you? You never talked to Brandon", Sami pointed out.
"No. I talked with someone else, someone who was there when you first spoke about it", EJ looked her from under her brows, "I talked to Annie. She told me, everything."
"She couldn't have. She doesn't know anything", Sami protested.
"Sami, please stop lying. It's time to face the music", he looked into her eyes, "Please Sami." It cut her. Sami could have sworn her heart was slit in two pieces as EJ used the nickname others insisted calling her.
"I lied to you", Sami whispered, "I lied to you and I'll say and do anything to make it up to you. Just call me Samantha again." EJ shook his head.
"It's not that simple. You lied but it's not up to you to atone for it." She was shaking her head and avoiding his gaze again.
"Listen to me", he whispered, "When we married, I knew something had changed. I saw that you had subdued your wild side and did your best to fulfil the unreasonable expectations of your family. But mistakenly I though you were just wearing a mask and pretending. I didn't understand that you had turned a new leaf and moved on. You had grown up to be the woman your family had wanted you to be for years and not the woman I though you could be."
"EJ."
"When was the last time you were happy?" he asked suddenly, "Please, think back and tell me when was the last time you were completely happy, when you didn't have any doubts gnawing you?"

Sami started to think. She could recall several moments during her marriage when she had felt happy, elated and even contented but there was always some shadow of doubt attached to those memories. Usually she had been wondering how long her luck could last and when would EJ finally grow tired of her. She constantly feared for being left alone. At the wedding the ghost of her ex-lover had haunted them and before that, she had been too scared of her own feelings. Sami had spent a year running away from EJ and her own feelings for him. She had desperately tried to rekindle the flame of her old love with Lucas and before that she had been entangled with another old lover, Austin. But there had been a short period of time when Sami had felt happy and almost content. It was back when she and EJ had been friends and before the truth about his lineage had come out.

"I don't know if I'm capable of feeling the kind of happiness you are talking about", Sami said finally.
"Of course you are", EJ replied instantly, "And the fact that you don't know that or believe in it, is just more proof that you've wasted these years you've spent married to me."
"EJ, I love you."
"And I love you. But darling, love isn't always enough. I can safely promise to love you until die, but that wont help me make you happy the way you deserve to be happy", EJ said. His voice was calm and level. He took few deep breaths and tried again.
"I realised something of myself today. I understood that as much as I love you, this good girl version of you isn't enough for me. I could go on pretending that it actually is but you would know. You would see the difference in my behaviour and you would react accordingly, just as you've done before. You would either try to hide the truth from me or you would turn to another who understands you like I can't." EJ let go of Sami's hands for a moment as he brushed his eyes and wiped his face without an apparent reason.
"I don't want to do that you", he continued, "I don't want to force you into a situation where you do something you'll end up despising yourself for. The Samantha I first met and fell in love with would have never cheated on the man she loved. She would have never done what you've done."

"I don't believe you love me. I don't believe you ever loved me", Sami said suddenly, "If you did, you wouldn't be saying things like these to me now." She jumped up from her seat and circled around the couch.
"Think whatever makes accepting this easier for you darling", EJ said, "One thing I still believe holds true for you, is that you deserve to be loved for who you truly are. You deserved to be loved unconditionally. But I'm no longer that man. I'm sorry." EJ sighed and got up on his feet. He took a step towards the doorway when her voice stopped him.
"EJ, don't go. Please don't do this."
"I have to Samantha. I deserve to be loved unconditionally too, and you haven't been able to do that either", there wasn't any accusal in his tone, "I tried to be a better man for you, Samantha. But in the process of becoming that man I ended up losing myself. I don't know who I am when I'm with you."
"You are a wonderful man. You are a loving husband and a father who would sacrifice his life for those he loves", Sami said passionately.
"But I used to be so much more", EJ said ruefully, "If I don't know who I am, how can I love anyone myself included? I can't."
"What about the children?"
"We'll tell them together and we'll give them time to adjust. We will do this right," he said, "Even if it kills me."

Sami couldn't bear it any longer. She ran to him and he held her against his chest and kissed the top of her head for the last time. She didn't want to let go of him or lose the protective arms holding her. She didn't want to admit that their marriage was over and that it was time to move on. Sami wanted to close her eyes and pretend like he was going to hold her forever. She wanted to remember the passion and the love without the mistrust and doubt. She wanted EJ to be the man he had once promised to be. But after a while Sami had to admit it wasn't possible. They both had changed too much to go back in time and cling to the promises they had made. EJ would always be part of her soul, he just wouldn't be the defining part. Sami would survive and learn to love again. She would learn to stand on her own two feet and demand what she was entitled to. She wouldn't settle for anything less than unconditional love. It would take time and there would be lapses, but she would get there.