FIRST WEEK OF APRIL
Ally's POV
Dear Song Book,
It's been a month. A month since me and Austin kissed, since I lost some people I thought were my friends, imagined her death, and Austin talking to my dad. Austin and I decided to put our relationship on a hold, until I have nothing else going on. I've been to the therapist four times, once a week, every Friday. Austin is with me every single time but I haven't really talked. I'd go in and sometimes talk about my day, but that's how far things have ever gotten. She says what's important is that I'm here and I'll talk when I'm ready. And I'm ready. Austin's picking me up right now. Wish me luck.
- Ally Dawson
"Ready?" Austin asks holding my hand and I nod.
"Ready." I said confident before walking in.
"Miss Dawson." She smiled. "How are you two today?"
"Better." I answer honestly. "I'm ready to talk."
"Good, good." She said putting on her glasses as we sat down. "Where do you want to start?" She asks.
"I, uh, don't know." I responded not thinking anything through. "Just give me a minute."
"Take all the time you need." She answered. And I ended up sitting there for about 50 minutes.
"Are you still writing in that journal? Why don't you read us one of your entries, when you're ready." She said.
"Ok." I said nervously grabbing it out of my bag and taking a deep breath. "Dear song book, I just wish that God or my dad or.." I said taking another breath. "..Austin or Trish or someone would just tell me what's wrong with me. Just tell me how to be different in a way that makes sense. To make this all go away. So my imagination could go away." I said looking back up waiting for a judgmental stare but I didn't receive one, so I continued. "I don't want it to be like how it is now but it can't be like how it was before, because even then I wasn't ready to say goodbye, but I was happy."
"Good." She answered jotting something down on her notepad.
"She was beautiful." I answered. "She looked at the perks in every situation and always took risks, to have fun and feel free. She always talked about living life to it's fullest."
"Do you think she lived her life to the fullest?" She asked and I nodded. "There was nothing holding her back? Do you think she would have any regrets?"
I thought about it for a moment. "No, she was happy."
"You deserve to be happy too." She replied.
"How?" I asked my voice cracking but I refused to let myself cry.
"Let's talk about the day your mom passed away." She said but I shook my head.
"Ally." Austin said grabbing my attention and gave me an encouraging look.
"She, uh, was in a car accident." I answered and my therapist looked a little worried but nodded.
"Continue." She said writing something down. I thought about what she could be writing but reminded myself over and over it was her job.
"She was coming home from work, early." I said looking down messing with my nails. "Because I called her few times to hurry home. And there was this truck. And she died."
"Ally, tell us more about the crash." She said.
"What do you want me to say? She came home from work and a truck hit her, ok?!" I shouted pissed missing my mother.
"Ally, calm down." Austin said.
"Tell us about what you imagined." She asked.
"Me and Austin were driving to my house and I was thinking about my mom and then I saw a huge truck driving our way really fast and the guy driving looked really scared." I said feeling my eyes water but I refused to cry. I did enough of that and I'm tired of it.
"And you thought it was real?" She asked and I nodded.
"I was so scared and I really saw it, I really thought a truck was there." I said.
"Tell us more." She said.
"There's nothing else! We walked home!" I shouted again angrily. "Can we move on and talk about something else? I don't know why we have to talk about only my mother's death." She stared at me for a moment but nodded.
"Next time." She said pointing to the clock.
"Thank you, see you next week." I said as we walked out.
Later-
"Are you up for the beach concert?" Trish asked. "Austin's performing."
"Yes, fresh air and some fun sounds perfect." I answered as we stood by her locker.
"Austin sounds pretty perfect too, don't you think?" She winked.
"Why do you keep doing that?" I laughed.
"When are you guys going to tell us you're secretly dating?" She whined.
"When we start secretly dating." I said.
"Does he know that?" She laughed. "He walks you to class and you guys hold hands.."
"And that's it." I finished.
"And you guys kiss." She said.
"No we don't, well sometimes." I replied. "But we're not dating. Not until-"
"You finish your therapy course thingy." She said nodding her head.
"Why do you want us together so badly?" I ask as we walk to the cafeteria.
"Because his face lightens up by the mention of your name. I want my brother to be happy. And I want my best friend to be too." She said.
"Aw, Trish." I said.
"Aw, Ally." She smiled and we hugged like girly girls she likes to make fun of.