A/N: Ducklings... did you really think I'd leave you hanging for long? You know me better than that =) I admit, I had to work hard in order to finish this chapter today, but as us Swedes say: where there's will, there's hope! I was convinced I'd get mixed reviews for chapter 20 (I am so happy I managed to shock you though, I'd hate for this fic to be predictable) but you were soooo sweet... I hope you enjoy chapter 21! (don't be alarmed if I don't update daily, I do have to work like everybody else, haha!) You know what you want: SHAMY! Again, let me hear it: SHAMY!

- YlvaB

She hadn't said anything. Why hadn't she said anything?

The wind was whipping at his cheeks as he made his way down the streets of Pasadena, causing them to redden. It was spring in Southern California, and yet the temperature was still low, and the wind still relentless. He couldn't recall it ever being this cold since he'd moved here from Galveston.

He didn't know where he was going: he just knew he couldn't go back home. Nothing had gone according to plan. He wasn't sure he'd had a plan to begin with but he knew that whatever had just happened in his living room, it was NOT how he'd pictured telling Amy.

Sheldon felt angry tears burn behind his eyelids, and he wiped them off with the back of his hand. Normally he would have stopped to get a paper tissue from his messenger bag but at the moment he couldn't have cared less. What difference did an amalgamation of water, salt, and enzymes do anyway? It used to be a huge deal, but now it seemed so trivial.

She hadn't said anything. She hadn't cried, she hadn't yelled, she hadn't even spoken.

He whipped out his deck of cards from his back pocket, his hands trembling as he browsed through them, trying to find the right card to explain the look on Amy's face. No, that wasn't it. Not that either. It could have been that one but he wasn't sure. Which one was it? Which one? Which one, which one, WHICH ONE?!

"I can't do this!" Sheldon cried out, angrily throwing away the deck of cards, scattering them across the street.

"Oh dear" he mumbled to himself as he saw the red cards against the grey pavement. Some were turned upside down, others were looking at him with those little dots that Amy had drawn to represent eyes. Amy. Amy had made these cards for him.

"Oh…" he gasped, awkwardly bending down to pick up the cards. His brain was itching so bad he wanted to tear it out of his cranium, but the urge was too strong. He had to pick them up. Closing his eyes for a second, he thought of what he'd learned during his CBT-sessions.

"Nothing bad is going to happen, it's just dirt. Nothing bad is going to happen if I pick them up and brush them off. Nothing bad is going to happen if they're not in order. Oh dear" he recited to himself as he cautiously picked up each card, brushing off the dirt from the pavement with his fingers, cringing as he felt tiny grains of sand scratch his hands.

As he got back up on his feet and put the deck of cards back in his pocket, he looked around to see where he was. Curiously enough, his feet seemed to have taken him to the bus stop.

Back at Sheldon's and Leonard's apartment the atmosphere was chaotic, at best. Bernadette was chewing Howard's head off, Raj and Emily were awkwardly offering to help with whatever needed to be done, Leonard was trying to reach Sheldon on the phone, and Penny was trying to comfort an inconsolable Amy who had been crying non-stop ever since Sheldon had stormed out of the apartment.

"What were you thinking, asking him that?" Bernadette yelled at her husband, who was scratching his hair trying to come up with something to say that would slow down the hurricane that was his wife.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know he was gonna do that! I thought he was building some secret fortress or something, I didn't know he'd been in therapy" Howard cried out, the sound of Amy sobbing in the background cutting through his ears like a chainsaw. He really hadn't meant for this to happen.

"Everybody please be quiet, I'm trying to get a hold on Sheldon on the phone!" Leonard called out, motioning with his hand for everybody to shush.

"Amy, please don't cry…sweetie? Please. I'm sure it will be alright" Penny mumbled into Amy's ear, trying to ease her quirky friend who was still shaking in her arms, hot tears wetting Penny's shoulder.

"I'm sorry" Amy sobbed, wiping her nose with the back of her hand. "I just… it wasn't meant to happen like this. What if he runs away again?"

Penny rubbed her back, resting her cheek against the top of Amy's head.

"Nooo, no Ames… I don't think he'll run away again. Leonard has that tracking-thing on his phone, we'll find him for sure… Wait, what do you mean 'it wasn't meant to happen like this'?"

Amy hiccupped, and reached for one of the napkins that were scattered across the table.

"I know he was trying to find a way to tell me" she let out, making a loud, trumpeting sound as she blew her nose, "he just… he just wasn't ready yet".

"What, wait… you knew?" Leonard asked as he hung up the phone for the third time, unable to reach his lanky friend.

Amy cocked her head to the side, a confused look on her face.

"I'm sorry Leonard, you'll have to be more specific. Are you referring to the fact that Sheldon has been seeing a psychiatrist or the part where he's been diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder?"

For the second time that night, the entire room went completely silent. Amy suddenly felt self-conscious: hadn't anyone put two and two together? Was she the only one?

Leonard shook his head, trying to collect his thoughts.

"Uh… let's assume I'm talking about the whole enchilada. How long have you known?" he stuttered, suddenly feeling silly for not having guessed the truth. He'd been living with the man for ten years damnit, he should have figured it out. He shouldn't just have figured it out: he should have helped him, not accused him of keeping secrets. It didn't matter that he had declared his love and support for Sheldon: he still felt guilty.

Amy looked around the room at her friends, uncomfortable with being the center of attention. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to share her troubles with them… But she had carried this inside of her for so long, she didn't think she could keep it in any longer.

"I've known about his OCD since I first met him… I'm a neurobiologist after all, it was quite obvious from the beginning… As for his therapy sessions… I have to admit I was completely clueless in the beginning. I didn't know what to make of it. As Howard said: had it been anyone else I would have thought he was seeing someone else. But I noticed he'd started taking control of his compulsions, and then there was that… other thing…" she declared, her voice drifting off at that last sentence.

Penny's eyebrows flew up to her hairline.

"Wait, you're not saying…?"

Amy looked away, blushing furiously. "I shouldn't have said that… I promised Sheldon it would just be between him and me" she stammered, wishing she would have just kept her mouth shut.

"I'm sorry, I'm gonna need details: just what does 'that other thing' mean?" Penny asked, completely oblivious to Amy's discomfort.

"I…" Amy begun, her heart racing and her bottom lip trembling.

"Shhh, guys, he's picking up!" Leonard called out, effectively putting a stop to what would have been a very awkward interrogation.

'Saved by the bell' Amy thought, desperately hoping Sheldon was picking up because he was on his way back home.

"Hello? Sheldon?" Leonard said, making his way over to the kitchen as he once again motioned for his friends to be quiet.

'Please don't be scared' Amy thought. 'Just come home'.

He wrapped his arms around his body, trying to shield himself from the cold. Really, what was wrong with the climate? This was Southern California, he shouldn't have to be sitting here at the bus stop with numb fingers and a runny nose. His phone had been vibrating in his pocket for the past twenty minutes, but he couldn't bring himself to pick it up. If he picked it up, the entire ordeal in the living room would become reality, something he had to face at one point or another.

Amy had been quiet. His girlfriend: the woman he loved, had been completely silent.

He almost wished she would have yelled at him… Hell, she could have hit him and that would have felt better than what he felt at the moment. There just was no making sense of it.

Suddenly, his pant leg started vibrating again. Leonard. Sheldon sighed, knowing that sooner or later he would have to answer his calls. He couldn't run away for 45 days again, that he knew for sure. Amy had been furious the first time: he wasn't sure she would stick around should he repeat his stunt.

Reluctantly he picked up his phone, sliding his thumb across the screen.

"Yes?" he said, closing his eyes for a second, clutching his hand over his heart.

"Sheldon? It's Leonard" his friend said, his voice sounding agitated and relieved at the same time.

Sheldon rolled his eyes.

"I know it's you, your name pops up on the screen when you call" he snorted, shaking his head to himself.

"…Right. I should have thought of that" Leonard admitted, feeling silly.

Sheldon swallowed, drawing a deep breath.

"What do you want Leonard?" he asked, rubbing his temple, feeling a massive headache building up behind his left eye.

Leonard didn't reply right away and for a brief second, Sheldon thought he'd lost the connection.

At last, Leonard spoke, his voice reflecting the dull ache in his heart.

"Sheldon… we're really sorry. We didn't mean to back you into a corner: it wasn't our place to force you to tell us what you do with your spare time. Howard is devastated: he really didn't mean anything by it. Please… please don't run away again. Come home" Leonard pleaded with Sheldon.

Home? How could he ever return home? He would have to face all the people he had done wrong, explain why he had been lying all winter, tell Amy these changes wasn't his doing…

Amy.

"How is Amy?" Sheldon demanded to know, ignoring Leonard's plea.

"She's alright Sheldon. She's just scared that you'll disappear again" Leonard let out. "Do you want to talk to her?"

He wanted nothing more than to hear her voice. He wanted to hear her say it was alright, that she didn't blame him for not telling her, that she didn't care that he'd been forced to seek help. But right now it was just too difficult. He wasn't sure he'd stay intact should he talk to her… That sweet, deep, mellow voice of hers could turn him into a puddle of liquid even on a good day, and right now things were really, really bad. He was drowning in a sea of insecurity, desperately trying to fend off the compulsions that were eating at him, waiting for him to slowly perish so they could round up for the left-overs. His body and mind was disintegrating: he couldn't deal with her sadness, her disappointment, her love. Not right now.

"I can't Leonard… not right now" he stammered, biting at his lower lip to keep it from quivering.

"She really wants to talk to you Sheldon".

"I know… I… I really want to talk to her too. But there is something I need to do first".

"You're not running away again, are you? Please don't do that to her".

"I'm not running away again, I promise. There's just… I just can't make sense of anything".

"Then come home and let us help you make sense of it".

"There's nothing you can do. Please Leonard... I can't deal with this right now".

He heard his friend sigh at the other end of the line.

"Do you promise you will come back home?"

"I promise".

"Please hurry".

"I will".

He hung up, staring at the screen for a second before he began browsing through his phonebook, searching for that number he'd been given in case of emergency.

"Hello, Dr. Edelstein? I need to come see you right away. I've ruined everything".