Chapter 21 ~ Stars
"Your skin, oh yeah, your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful
D'you know? For you I bleed myself dry
For you I bleed myself dry
~ Yellow by Coldplay
It was snowing again.
Not that Hermione was surprised in the slightest by that, but still, it was snowing. It was snowing harder than it had snowed in a long time. It was just irking her. Not even the weather seemed to change. She wasn't sure why she was standing outside in the first place, for it was just irritating her more. But perhaps it was because Draco was standing outside; and she needed to be where Draco was.
"Is a clear sky too damn much to ask?" she asked; though her words were harsh, her tone was soft.
He smirked and took a step closer to her. "Language, Granger".
"Fuck off" she grinned, rolling her eyes. "I just - I want to see the sun again, or the stars... or anything else. I haven't been able to see the stars, or anything, really for a very long time... Far too long of a time".
He studied her for a moment. "The sun and stars won't fix anything".
"They're beautiful" she argued. "And everyone needs a little beauty in a time like this; even in the strangest places".
"Yes, but they're pointless at the moment; just something to look at to distract us from the damn world we live in. Distractions are pointless... There's no meaning behind them except for that we look to them because we don't want to face our problems".
"We're not pointless" she murmured.
He arched an eyebrow. "What?"
"I mean - It's what we are. We're beautiful, we're a distraction... but we're not pointless; or at least I don't think we are," Hermione sighed.
Draco licked his top lip in concentration as if he too were pondering whether or not whatever they were was pointless or not. "In the scheme of things, we're pointless. There's no room for... passion or anything else in a time like this".
He had almost said 'love', but the word seemed so pointless, so insignificant. 'Love' was drowned out by the hate of the world, in his opinion. There was no point of even having it, when in the end it would be crushed until you were left with nothing but the scars to show the proof.
"There's room for that everywhere, Draco" she said quietly, cupping his face in her hands and tracing his cheekbones and jawline. "I - I just don't want to think the only thing good left in my life is pointless".
He met her gaze. "Fine, Granger. We're not pointless".
She smiled, but it was not a happy smile. It was a sad, bittersweet smile. "War - war has made me lose a lot of things. I've lost my innocence, my friends, my family, my morals, my faith, and everything else. I refuse to lose one more thing by deeming it as pointless. I won't lose this".
"We're always going to be the silver lining; you know that. It's not like I'm going to give up on this either. I wouldn't - I wouldn't want to give up on you, you know. Not when nothing else, and no one else, is left".
She wrapped her arms around his neck and stood on her tiptoes to place a light kiss on his lips. They thought that maybe it was pointless. But they also thought it didn't matter, and it wouldn't stop them.
He realized that sometimes beautiful things are insignificant... But the fact that they are insignificant doesn't make them any less beautiful.
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Pansy studied him curiously, as if he was an experiment. That was the way that Granger studied him at times, too. Only when Granger did it, it didn't bother him. He scowled at the other blonde. "Would you stop bloody looking at me? I'm just trying to drink my morning coffee so I can get through the day and your eyes burning holes in my skin is rather distracting".
"I'm intrigued" said Pansy. "You're a lot different since the last time I saw you".
He raised his eyebrows. "And?"
"And it's intriguing" she replied. "You always wear this hard mask... Like nothing phases you or makes you feel different. It's constantly the same; except for when you're around her. You smile".
"And that's what's so remarkably fascinating?" he questioned, irritation obvious in his voice.
"No, what's fascinating is that you keep your guard up to everyone in the world, and you refuse to show that you have feelings at all; you always have. But when you're around her, you seem like an entirely different person".
He neither denied nor accepted the statement, he simply looked back down to his copy of 'The Daily Prophet'. It was years old, but yet he still read it. It was so special simply because it was from the year before Voldemort's return. It was proof that happier times existed.
"Draco, I know it's awkward to be around me but could you at least talk to me?" Pansy whined.
He rolled his eyes melodramatically. "And why should I do that?"
Pansy sighed. "The way you act you'd think I'd killed your family or something. Honestly, Draco... I'm not a monster. I'm probably more far from than you, in all honesty".
He scowled at her. "Fuck off".
"Do you act this way to Hermione?"
"Granger is different, Pansy. She makes me... different" he was still glaring at her, but his expression momentarily softened when he spoke of Hermione. "And I still don't trust you. You're up to something, and she's a fool for trusting you".
"She, unlike you, sees the best in people" hissed Pansy, glowering at him.
Draco raised his eyebrows. "I know that Granger sees the best in people. In fact, I know her far more than you do. You've known her for the two weeks we've been here, and no longer. I like that she sees the best in people. If she didn't see the best in people, she would loathe me".
"You know, Draco, I wouldn't bother trying to convince me you're not in love with her anymore".
He knew she was right. He knew resisting Granger was a pointless exercise.
But he would never stop trying.
Never.
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Hermione was feeling particularly interested in astronomy in the coming days, looking at star charts, mapping them, doing anything she could to do with the universe around her. She wasn't sure why, but she had an idea.
The stars were far away. The stars weren't in war.
The stars weren't in the same place she was.
One snowy morning, she was following her usual routine. She was drinking hot chocolate and reading about the invention of the telescope from an old, beaten up school textbook. Draco momentarily wondered why she still had it, but then came to realize that she had not finished her year at Hogwarts and been able to turn it into them. She could have easily owled them, but he chuckled under his breath at the thought of Hermione Granger giving up a book.
"Why are you interested in astronomy all of a sudden?"
Hermione sighed. "Shouldn't that be obvious?"
He simply arched an eyebrow, not verbally responding. In all honesty, it wasn't obvious to him. It wasn't all that strange, really, in the scheme of things. She had always been interested in books, and she had always read them; but he had never seen her pick up an astronomy book since their conversation days before about the stars.
"Draco, it's just helping me take my mind off things... There's so much going on right now and I just need to relax. The stars are... away from the war and they seem more peaceful".
He took steps closer to her and hovered over her shoulder, looking at the star chart she was drawing. "Not bad" he offered, planting a light kiss on her cheek and continuing to trail them down her neck. "I think that the constellation to the far right needs a little work, though".
She turned her head slightly so she could scowl at him. "How kind of you. Is it that hard to please you?"
He chuckled into her shoulder, his breath teasing her skin and causing it to erupt in goosebumps. "It's not that hard for you to please me, Granger. All you have to do is fuck me and then -
"Well aren't you lovely?" she muttered.
He continued chuckling before pressing a lingering peck to the bridge of her nose. "You can please me by talking to me, too... You can please me by trusting me. Sex isn't all you're good for, but it's certainly one of your better qualities".
She laughed under her breath before slicing the distance between their mouths, which was very little effort considering their foreheads were already pressed together before. The kiss was slow, soft and rather damp. The only sounds in the room were the moist noises of their mouths moving in a very well-practiced pace. He pondered whether she was a good kisser, or if they were simply meant to share kisses and touch the way they did.
"You keep me sane, you know" she whispered, pulling away from him but still resting her forehead on his. "I think you're all that's keeping me alive".
He grinned in reply, thinking it best not to say anything at all.
But he couldn't help but think 'me too'.
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Hermione wasn't sure why she had been laying on her cot all day simply crying silently into her snow white blanket (which would surely be tear-stained). There was just too much going on in her head, in her life... in the world around her. It seemed that there was nothing going right at all. The only times that she sat up were to check if the trees still lacked leaves and if the sky was still cloudy and leaking snowflakes; every time she looked, it was.
She could see Draco out their window shoveling snow away off the paths, surely on a duty. She was supposed to be on guard duty with Nott Jr., but she couldn't have possibly cared any less. There were some days she just couldn't find the strength to keep going, and this was one of them.
Hours passed without her even noticing, she just remained into fetal position hugging her pillow and crying into her blanket. That damned white blanket.
At around dusk, Draco looked horrified to see her there. She had expected this, but not cared. She didn't see a point in doing anything at all. After all, she was bound to die someday soon, anyways; the same way all her loved ones did.
"Granger, you're going to get in trouble" he shook his head, kneeling at the edge of her cot so he could look her in the eye. "What are you thinking doing this? They're going to punish you".
"I don't give a shit anymore".
He furrowed his brow, frowning. "I think I may have rubbed off on you. That isn't a compliment, by the way".
She sighed an exasperated sigh. "Why is everything so fucking white here? The blankets, the snow, everything is white".
"All you have to do to see a little black is look into the hearts of the people here" Draco muttered bitterly. "I hate all of them, every last one. In fact, if you look hard enough, nothing here is white at all. Well... besides you of course".
"Would you fucking knock it off with your deep philosophical bullshit? It's starting to get on my nerves".
He shrugged. "That's all more the reason to do it. You know, you can't just shut yourself away. It won't get you anywhere".
"Well I'm hardly getting anywhere fighting in the war, either. It's been months since you've joined and you've seen how little progress we've made! We haven't even made a dent in the scheme of things!"
"Some good things have come out of it" he murmured, stroking her cheekbone with his thumb simply because he knew she liked that.
And she did like it; very much. It made her feel at home. "I know. But I mean... us... we're not helping anyone by sleeping together. I mean we haven't even told each other if we're more than just shagging... but - but I feel like it turned into making love a long time ago".
His eyes flew open, questioning, and he bit his lip. "I - I'm not sure".
She laughed a full laugh that made her eyes water. "Draco, you avoid the word 'love' like it's the plague. You'd think it was by the way you act. You need to loosen up a little... What I mean is I just think that it means something now. I - I actually kind of always thought that it did".
"Are you okay?" he asked after an awkward pause. "I mean... You've been crying all day, Granger. What exactly is it that's wrong?"
He climbed into the rather small cot and wrapped his arms around her, maybe to make her feel safe, or maybe for selfish reasons; simply because he wanted to.
"The question is more 'what isn't wrong'" she replied.
He noticed a tremor in her voice, and he noticed tears in her eyes again too. She rested her head in his chest. She didn't want him to see her like this, and she liked being close to him and being able to breathe in his scent; peppermint with a hint of the snow from his time outside.
She thought of it all, Mrs. Weasley's death, Ron's death, Neville's death, Harry's capture... the fact she might lose what she had in front of her, and she just began to cry. She sobbed into his shirt, which she noted resentfully was also white. He stroked her back with his hands comfortingly, remaining silent. He knew she didn't want to talk in that moment; she just wanted him to hold her, and to care.
And he did care. He felt a knot at the base of his own throat, too. He was unsure on how something so beautiful could be so delicate and broken.
He almost wanted to say 'I love you'.
But he didn't, and he told himself it was because it would trouble her, but he knew it wasn't the real reason. The real reason was that he didn't want to grow too close, he didn't want to love something that would be snatched away from him the same way as Longbottom, Potter... his mother.
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Once she had finished crying, he decided to take her for a walk outside. He knew there was a patch of sky near the guarding post that was clear. He knew that for whatever mental reason she had, that would make her happy. He did it as a favor; plainly because she would do the same for him. He noticed a small smile spread slowly across her soft features, and he grinned too.
"The stars are out" she murmured.
He intertwined their fingers again, looking up for himself. "Yeah, they are".
She sighed. "It isn't fair, you know".
"What isn't fair, Granger?"
"They get to be so beautiful while - while everything down here is so damn ugly" she said quietly.
"I don't think I'm very ugly".
She frowned for a moment, but struggled to maintain it as tides of laughter began to flood over her. "You're. So. Self. Righteous".
"You've told me that before" he pointed out. "In different contexts, in different places, and in various forms of words, but you've sort of become a broken record over time, you know".
"Well perhaps you being a bloody arrogant bastard is getting old" she countered.
"Life's getting old" he said, shrugging his shoulders impassively.
She wrapped her arms around his waist when she noticed him shivering. "Sometimes I wish we could just grow old together, you know. I wish that we could just forget everything and live our lives. Right now I feel like it's all frozen".
"We could run away together".
She shook her head. "It wouldn't be the same knowing everything else was at conflict, knowing that people were looking at us, living in a house that could easily be ambushed by Death Eaters. We wouldn't stand a chance".
"We do stand a chance, Granger".
He said it because he was starting to believe that Albus Dumbledore was quite correct about the fact that love was indeed the most powerful form of magic there was. For love had changed him. Love had drove him mad, enraged him, aided him, healed him, and caressed his broken wing.
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Author's Note
Normally I do 3,000 words in a chapter, but I felt this one had a good ending where I decided to finish off. Sorry I was so slow, I had such bad writer's block all week. Plus boy problems and school. Meh.