A/N: The whole point with Freddie's presence is that to help Cora realise something and let go of her fears... Now find out how

CHAPTER XXI

Never good enough

Cora sat outside their home on the wooden bench. It was a beautiful evening. The sun seemed to drown slowly in the depths of the horizon, and it drew warm colors on the puffy clouds above her. It was a peaceful scene to bask in after a hot, noisy, and tiresome day.

Cora removed her eyes from the soothing sun and studied the occupants of the garden. Robert and Freddie were sitting on bright green grass and playing with Isis. Robert's golden dog wagged her tail in excitement when Freddie threw a stick for her to fetch.

Isis was running into the sunset, happily searching for the missing stick. Cora overheard her husband loudly praising Freddie.

"Excellent pitching!" Robert rubbed the little boy's head, messing up Freddie's dark hair. The little boy giggled. He and Sybil had gone into the village and purchased a few formal suits. Sybil had also insisted on buying play-clothes, casual shoes, shirts, and trousers. They came back home with their arms full of bags and baskets.

Cora could see pure joy on her husband's face. He was acting so relaxed. Robert had shed his suit jacket and rolled up the sleeves of his white shirt to his elbows. It was shocking, really, because he always looked so professional with his many layers of clothing.

That was a Robert she hadn't seen in quite a long time. It was just Robert! Without any title, without his royal manners and strict composure. That was a Robert she only saw in their bedroom, within their private four walls and late at night. She never thought that this side of his personality would see bright daylight.

Robert rose from the dirty ground. He chuckled and patted Freddie's shoulder, leaving the boy on the grass with Isis for company. Robert walked towards her, brushing remaining bits of dirt and grass from his clothes. He had a half smile on his features but Cora could tell that inside he was bursting from happiness.

Robert collapsed on the bench next to his wife, letting out a satisfied sigh.

"Having fun?" Cora smiled when she saw how lively and joyfully he looked. His eyes shone with new energy and happiness.

"Oh, so much fun! You can't even imagine!" Robert smiled back at her and gently placed a soft kiss upon her rosy cheek.

Cora looked into the distance. The sun had sunk lower, hiding behind the tall trees.

"But are you having fun? You seem quiet today." Robert pulled her closer and she buried in the warmth of his body as they cuddled on the small bench in their garden.

"I am alright." Cora reached for his hand, entwining their fingers. "I just missed you."

"Oh, my darling! I'm so sorry. I'm trying to keep Fred entertained." Robert clenched Cora's hand. "We'll have plenty of time later."

"I'm sure we will." Cora couldn't help but notice how Robert didn't want to waste a single minute of the two days that were left with Freddie. He enjoyed his company and even preferred the boy over his own wife, but she tried not to take that personally.

The sun's final rays glimmered in the growing darkness as the bright colors of the clouds faded. The pale moon gradually grew in brilliance. The sun faded from the sky, leaving two lovers under a million stars.

"Fred! We're going inside. It's getting late." Robert raised his voice to call his dog. "Isis! Come here, girl!"

Robert stood up, helping Cora stand as well. She immediately looped her arm through his as they walked down the path.

"You really love him, huh?" Cora quizzed her husband, flashing a curious look at him.

"It's hard to say love, but like." Robert smiled uncomfortably, knowing that this was Jane's son they were talking about.

The dinner went pretty well for the Crawley family. Violet didn't particularly like the young boy eating dinner with her family, but for the first time ever she didn't complain... much!

Cora said goodbye to her mother-in-law and kissed her gently on the cheek before entering the house again. It was the truth... Cora didn't like Violet very much, but she had to act polite in front of her. Violet was mother of her husband and grandmother to her children... and she was family. Since the last argument they had, Violet haven't dared to make any nasty comments about Cora. She didn't want to cross her again.

Cora headed upstairs in search for her husband, but unsuccessfully. She looked in their bedroom... No, not here. She peeked inside his dressing room. Neither here. Cora shook her head in irritation. She walked in another room, finding no one inside. I'd be surprised if I actually found him here. She let out a huff and continued walking down the hallway. Sometimes I really wish we had a smaller house. It's like you can run away and still be at home.

Cora was pulled back from her thoughts when she heard soft, but tiny laughter coming from one room. She immediately stopped her feet from moving forward and listened to it a little bit more.

She leaned on a white, wooden door listening cute giggling coming from the room. Cora backed away when she realized which room that was.

Freddie's...

But Cora was too curious, too interested to just let go. She put her gentle palm on the doorknob and slowly, but silently opened the door of the room and scenery watched through tiny space it release. She didn't want her presence to be known.

Cora looked across the room and the view she received back was strange and unfamiliar to her. It was unusual to see Robert recklessly sitting on the carpeted floor with Freddie next to him... and they were playing together.

She looked at the little boy who looked fragile and pale under the dim light of lamps positioned all over the room. He was lying on his stomach, playing with wooden trucks. His black hair and blue eyes reflected from the light in the room. Cora watched them for a while. They were enjoying the loneliness of each other's company and letting out "vrooom" and "chooo" noises.

Freddie giggled the same way he did a few moments earlier when Cora first heard them. Little guy snapped up his head and looked at Robert. He looked back at him with loving gaze... a gaze he tried to conceal today's afternoon in the garden to make Cora comfortable.

Little boy extended his tiny hand and placed a truck in Robert's palm. "You can be the police person!" Freddie said smiling, his blue eyes glistening.

"Gladly!" Robert exclaimed and let out a loud vrooom.

Cora couldn't watch them any longer. She carefully closed the doors and with hurriedly steps she disappeared in her bedroom. The same feelings she had this morning came running back at her and this time they were stronger and it hurt much more after seeing that scene.

When Cora finally reached her bedroom, she slammed the door behind and a strong, harsh, painful cry escaped from her throat. She finally let it out and it ripped through the silence in the room.

A few moments later she found herself bitterly crying on the armchair. Cora put her palms on her face, blocking the light as she poured her feelings out. She saw darkness... darkness that would soon swallow her. Cora sobbed in her hands, drowning in her own fears of not conceiving an heir. This mindset was eating her from the inside

That was the only thing he ever wanted... a son, and Cora couldn't give it to him. She felt like a broken machine. She had never produced Robert an heir, a son and despite what he said, she knew that he was disappointed. He had really wanted a son, but after all these years he stopped hoping for his own sake... to avoid a broken heart.

Their bedroom door opened and it was him. It was Robert. He was standing on the door wearing a happy smile across his face, but when he found his wife crying and her face buried in her palms Robert's smile vanished and concern replaced it.

"Cora!" Robert gasped, running towards her. He knelt on one knee and placed his hands on her face, removing her palms. "Heavens! Why are you crying? Are you alright? Is something wrong with the baby?" He cupped her wet and salty face in his hands. Her blue eyes were tinged with red and her cheeks flushed pink.

"Will you ever be able to forgive me?" Cora sobbed even harder, searching for an answer in his concerned eyes.

"What are you talking about?" He caressed her face with his thumbs as transparent tears slipped from the corners of her eyes. "God, Cora! Stop scaring me!"

"I saw you with him. In fact... all day today! You're so happy and I've never given you that kind of happiness." Cora exhaled out loud. She felt a little bit of a relief from sharing her scary thoughts with him. "I never gave you a son! I'm a broken machine! You married an incapable American woman who has disappointed you!" She didn't watch her words. Cora spoke from her heart and soul. She poured her feeling out to him, saying everything that bothered her.

"You're talking nonsense!" Robert let go of her face and embraced her tightly. Cora lowered her chin onto his shoulder, breathing heavily. His hand moved across her back, trying hard to lessen the burden from her shoulders.

"What if I disappoint you again?" Cora grabbed his suit jacket with her fists, waiting for an answer.

"First of all, you've never disappointed me! You can't disappoint me! I love each of our daughters! They're something beautiful and I can't imagine my life without any of them!" Robert pulled apart and looked at his sobbing wife.

"What if it's another girl? I won't be able to look at you ever again." Her eyes filled with tears and her cheeks instantly changed color from soft pink to fiery red. Cora turned her head and closed her eyes, pushing more tears on the outside. "And your mother! She's going to torture me! Saying that I failed and that I'm an incapable American fool who can't produce an heir for you!" Her eyes grew misty. She tried to stop crying, she really did, but one perfect round drop edged down her swollen face and melted on her dress. "That I'm a disappointment!" Burying her head in her hands again out of shame and sorrow, more salty droplets seeped from her blue eyes. She looked weak but even worse, she really felt weak, she felt powerless and all she wanted to do was to cry.

"Oh Cora, you're not a disappointment and who cares about what my mother will say?!" Robert's hand traveled up until he reached her hands and slowly uncovered her face again. With his thumbs he removed her bitter tears and planted a kiss on her forehead. "So what if it's a girl! I'm going to love her either way! She's going to remind me of you every time I look at her. You have given me an amazing family and I'm really grateful for that."

"Do you really mean it or you're just saying that to make me feel better?" Her sobs finally came to an end and her eyes stopped producing tears as she looked straight into his eyes.

"I really mean it darling!" She received another sweet kiss on her forehead. "It's out of our power Cora. After our first accident, we have been blessed once again and I really could not care less if it's a girl or a boy. The pain I experienced when you miscarried was something unbearable and I don't want to feel it again. That's why I was so scared when you fell down the stairs. I couldn't bear the pain." Cora was taken aback. He had never told her any of this. She never knew! "Besides, this child is a miracle. Someone we never saw coming." Robert remembered how much they tried to conceive another child after Sybil was born, but Cora just couldn't get pregnant again. When she finally did, they lost it and after that they never expected to become parents again.

"Oh Robert! You never told me that!" Cora gasped at his words.

"I didn't want to open an old wounds." He placed both of his hands on each of her knees. "We need a name." Robert changed the topic as fast as he could. "Any suggestions, darling?" He carefully picked up her gentle hand and planted a kiss on her knuckles.

"If it's a boy..." Her lips curled into a perfect, exciting smile. "What about William? It's old-fashioned like our names, but still very beautiful."

"Well, we're good at doing old-fashioned." Robert started giggling. "I like it."

"Robert!" She playfully rolled her blue eyes. His words brought a smile to her face. "Let's get serious." Cora teased him, laughing softly when she felt his eyes piercing her face.

"Serious, huh?" He chuckled, embracing Cora's petite frame, unconsciously shielding her from the rest of the world.

"I can't believe it." Cora smiled, pressing her lips against his, leaving a sweet, tingling little kiss. "Satisfied?"

"For now..." Robert wickedly smiled and kissed her forehead.

"So, now we need a middle name?" Cora grinned, wondering about his recommendations.

"How about Frederick?"

"I don't like it much." She shook her head in disapproval. If it's going to be a boy then he was going to have a perfect name.

"Hmm... Then, what about Patrick?"

"No.." Cora frowned and protested.

"You're really picky!" He laughed at her. "Oh well, it doesn't have to be Patrick. So, what do you think about Edward?" He raised his eyebrows, hopping Cora would approve of this one.

"Much better." Cora nodded and an overwhelming smile spread across her face. "We have it... William Edward Crawley."

"Sounds pretty good." Robert kissed Cora's red cheek that this time was the product of unexpected happiness. She was glowing with joy. He could read her like an open book. She wore her emotions on her face.

"And if it's a girl..." Cora sighed.

"I like the name Victoria. What do you think?" Robert soothingly caressed her caramel curls, trying hard to convince her that it'd be fine if they received a daughter.

"It's beautiful. You have picked a good one this time." She smiled. "And what about Eleanor as middle name?"

"Whatever you what, my dear." Robert warmly smiled at the idea of getting a daughter again. He would love it no mater if it was a girl or a boy, but getting another beautiful, intelligent and talented daughter would be great.

"Victoria Eleanor Crawley." Another wave of happiness and warmth washed through Robert. He could see her right in front of his eyes. Pale skinned, brown or blonde little lady running around the house and watching with big blue, green or even chocolate brown eyes the world around her in wonder. Cora produced all the magic when it came to the beauty of their children. They were all special and the little one would be too.

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