Lily had to wait several months for Severus to make an appearance at Grimmauld Place. She'd wanted to fly to Hogwarts without delay, but was unwilling to leave the little calico cat behind, being as it was the source of his suspicions. No need to make the mystery more complicated than it already was… especially now, when she was more desperate than ever to help him solve it.
If only Sirius would agree to give him the journal they'd found. It was ancient, missing quite a few pages while others were smudged beyond comprehension. But from what they'd been able to piece together, Lily knew they had the answer. Ligatis Animalia was the name of the spell… a protective charm rather than Dark Magic. She couldn't imagine why Voldemort would have used such a thing on her, but it was difficult to dwell on that when she was more concerned with how it could be reversed.
That was the problem, since the most damaged part of the book had contained the instructions for the counterspell. Granted, it was comforting to know there was a solution. But nobody short of the most gifted witch or wizard could hope to figure out what that solution might be with such a small amount of information to go on. Sirius was talented in his own ways, of course, but magic of life and death… magic of the soul? It wasn't as if he had any experience with that sort of thing.
Besides, they were barely speaking now. He spent most of his time moping around or sniping at Kreacher, preferring to stay shut up in his bedroom unless the other Order members were around. In truth, it was getting to be terribly lonely around Grimmauld Place. She hadn't realized how comforting it had been to have someone to talk to after so many years of isolation, even if they'd argued more often than not.
Indeed, she was restless these days, especially since she'd overheard enough to know that Harry was having a difficult year at Hogwarts. He had a new teacher who'd been appointed by the Ministry, a beast of a woman who was apparently doing everything in her power to make his life miserable. That on its own was bad enough, but the continued efforts by the Ministry to discredit him, to pretend he'd made the whole thing up about Voldemort's return? That had her crawling the walls with anxiety. What were they thinking? Leaving everyone in ignorance, disregarding any need to prepare for what could only be an encroaching war?
She had to give Sirius credit for one thing, which was the way he treated Harry. He was a wonderful godfather, doing everything in his power to comfort her son. James's son, of course, which she couldn't pretend wasn't a major factor in why he looked after Harry as well as he did. But she couldn't help feeling a great deal of gratitude toward anyone who tried to be there for Harry… especially at the moment, when she didn't even have the luxury of looking after him from a distance.
That was another reason she was anxious to return to Hogwarts… hardly able to stand it as the days dragged on, bored out of her mind and bristling with impatience. While she didn't approve of the way Sirius handled his own restlessness, particularly the heavy drinking and verbally abusing the house-elf, she could certainly understand his frustrations.
And then at long last, the house was filled with life again. Unfortunately, the circumstances were less than ideal, particularly where Harry was concerned. He'd had a dream – or a vision, to be more accurate – of a massive snake attacking Arthur Weasley. Thankfully, Arthur had survived, but it seemed there was some sort of connection between Harry and Voldemort, and no one understood how or why it existed. Perhaps Dumbledore had a theory or two, but as usual, he put everyone off with cryptic remarks and didn't trouble himself to answer any direct questions.
Of course, Lily had lost most of her faith in her former hero years ago, so this hardly came as a surprise. She'd been able to observe too many things that went on behind closed doors, too many instances of Dumbledore allowing Harry to put himself in danger, sometimes even encouraging him in his more reckless exploits. And now he was withholding more and more information from her son, seeming oblivious to the negative impact it was having on Harry. Was he blind? Harry was already seething with frustration. He needed answers, and soon, or there was no telling what he might do.
Sometimes she wondered if this was why Harry and Sirius got on so well. Both had trouble controlling their tempers, as well as a tendency to act on impulse rather than thinking things through. Of course, Harry was a teenager, so perhaps that was only to be expected to some degree… especially since he was dealing with an enormous amount of pressure. But there were times she felt that Sirius encouraged the more reckless parts of Harry's personality, just as Dumbledore did. It was as if they saw him as another version of James, rather than a child in need of protection.
She'd tried to speak with Sirius about it, but even after all these years, James was a touchy subject. And so she tried to find comfort in the fact that Harry was surrounded by others who were more moderate in their guidance. The Weasleys, for example, especially Molly and Arthur. Hermione, who was a brilliant girl and had saved him from disaster on numerous occasions. There was Minerva, of course… and while she was aware that Harry wasn't exactly fond of him, she could at least be assured that Severus would do everything in his power to prevent him from doing anything foolish.
When Christmas arrived, the atmosphere around Grimmauld Place was much more cheerful, which had to be a relief for them all. Even Sirius was in a good mood, abandoning his drinking habit for the time being and going out of his way to play the gracious host. Lily kept hoping Severus would make an appearance… not to take part in the social gathering, because of course, she knew him better than that. But perhaps he'd stop by to deal with Order business now that he was off on holiday as well?
As it was, she didn't see him until the day before Harry and his friends were expected to return to school. He strode into the front hall, as dignified and imposing as ever, murmuring to Molly that he needed to speak privately with Harry. This piqued Lily's interest, of course. She followed him into the kitchen, jumping into his lap when he settled himself at the table.
"You again," he said softly, crooking a long finger under her chin and giving it a little scratch. "What's your secret, hmm?"
So he hadn't figured it out. Well, that was no surprise.
Just then, Sirius entered the room, dropping into the chair across from Severus and fixing him with a resentful glare. "What the hell are you doing here?"
"Not that it's any of your business, but I've been sent to speak with Potter."
"About what?"
Severus flicked his hair out of his eyes, giving Sirius an exasperated look. "That's none of your affair."
"Now see here… "
Must you always do this? Lily thought in frustration. This is exactly what I was talking about. You're provoking him! Just leave him alone and let him talk to Harry.
Sirius ignored her, his attention fixed on Severus. "Harry is my godson. If it pertains to him, you can be assured that it is my business. And I don't trust you."
"Indeed?" Severus said, his voice dropping to a low, silky drawl. "You do realize that I've been teaching Mr. Potter for more than four years now. Has it ever occurred to you that if I had any intention of harming the boy, I've had no shortage of opportunities to do so?"
"Maybe you haven't tried anything yet, but that doesn't mean you won't."
"And if I did? I can't see how you'd be able to stop me. Unless you think I'd be stupid enough to try something right here under the Order's nose… "
Sirius started to say something, then abruptly shut his mouth as Harry entered the kitchen. Lily could sense her son's discomfort, which was hardly a surprise since the hostility in the room was almost palpable. Hoping for a little more civility, at least for his sake, she was soon disappointed.
For Severus's part, he tried to focus on the message he'd been sent to deliver. Unfortunately, Sirius made that task as difficult as possible, refusing to leave and allow him to speak with Harry in private. Perhaps Severus was more snarky than was strictly necessary, but compared with Sirius, who was yelling open threats…
"How touching. But surely you have noticed that Potter is very like his father?"
"Yes, I have," Sirius said, his voice filled with pride.
Severus sneered.
Lily, who'd taken up a new vantage point on the kitchen counter, cringed. She had a feeling she knew what was coming, and it wasn't going to end well. This was her one point of contention with Severus, which she had every intention of dealing with if she could ever be restored to her former self. She wasn't so blind that she thought her son was an innocent victim – she'd seen him provoke Severus on more than one occasion. But Severus was supposed to be the adult, and he really needed to…
"Well then, you'll know he's so arrogant that criticism simply bounces off him."
In a flash, Sirius whipped out his wand and lunged at Severus, who'd pulled out his own in response. Meanwhile, Harry was begging Sirius to stop, for all the good it did. Vaguely, she wondered whether it was Harry that Sirius was trying to defend, or if he'd been driven to fury by the insult to James. Did he even know how to separate the two? In truth, Harry was less like his father than anyone who'd known James seemed to realize. Why couldn't they just let him be himself?
"I've warned you, Snivellus," Sirius snarled. "I don't care if Dumbledore thinks you've reformed. I know better."
STOP IT! she thought at him as forcefully as she could manage. Useless. He was oblivious to Harry's distress… why should he care anything about hers?
The taunting grew worse until Sirius lifted his wand again, disregarding Harry's frantic attempts to stop him. But just as it seemed the scene could only end in disaster, the entire Weasley family entered the kitchen, accompanied by Hermione.
Just like that, the tension melted away. Severus tucked his wand back into his robes and headed for the door, only turning back to remind Harry of his Occlumency lessons on Monday evening. And then she saw her chance. Sirius was preoccupied, busy explaining himself to Molly and Arthur, so she managed to slip through the door as it closed behind Severus.
She followed him into the foyer, nearly tripping him as she wove between his legs.
He paused, staring down at her with an inscrutable expression. "Why not?" he muttered under his breath, scooping her up and tucking her inside his robes. "Whatever you are, I can't imagine you deserve to be left here with the likes of him."
If Lily had had the ability to laugh, she would've been chuckling all the way to Hogwarts.
As expected, Severus's first Occlumency lesson with Potter was an exercise in futility. Fucking Dumbledore. Why did he never listen? Not only did the boy lack the discipline to master such a skill, but even if he was capable of learning to some degree, he wouldn't get far without trusting his instructor.
Severus wasn't angry about the extra demand on his schedule, would've considered it a worthwhile sacrifice if he'd felt they were doing something useful. But the boy had too much pent up anger, too much resentment, much of which was directed at Severus himself. They were getting nowhere, nor were they likely to in the foreseeable future.
Really, what was the point?
His only consolation was that he'd been able to pass along a few of Dumbledore's theories, having never agreed with the practice of keeping Potter in the dark. The boy might be an arrogant little shit, but he had a right to know as much as possible about matters that directly involved him.
Grumbling to himself, Severus slipped from his office into his private quarters, rolling his eyes at the cat who was sprawled out across his pillows.
"Comfortable?" he asked dryly, nearly smiling as she responded with a luxurious stretch. "Well, I'm afraid you're going to have to move. I'm exhausted."
Obligingly, she shifted to one side, leaving him plenty of room to join her.
Such a peculiar thing – Severus had survived as long as he had by never letting his guard down, by approaching every situation with the utmost caution. And now here he was, making himself freely accessible to this… he didn't even know how to describe her. Feline? Human? A little of both? She'd borne witness to more of his private doings than anyone for as long as he could recall, and yet, he didn't feel the least bit threatened by her presence. Instinct told him that she could be trusted, that there was no need to worry about the consequences even if he chose to reveal his darkest secrets. He would never do that, of course, but just feeling that the option was there was a foreign concept.
Foreign, perhaps, but not unpleasant.
Too tired to bother with a proper nightshirt, he stripped off his robes and frock coat, unbuttoning his shirt and shrugging it off before crawling into bed in just his trousers. The cat was staring at him again, which should've been creepy, really, but he couldn't help feeling strangely flattered.
He was going mad. That was it. Losing his mind out of sheer loneliness. Pathetic, the feeling of contentment that washed over him when the cat snuggled close, purring softly. And yet it seemed natural somehow, familiar, a sort of connectedness that he'd only ever felt with…
"Lily."
He said it out loud without any intention of doing so, and the cat lifted her head, staring at him intently with her big green eyes. Of course they'd have to be green, wouldn't they?
"That's your name, isn't it?" he said softly. "At least, that's what he called you."
It couldn't be Lily. Not in truth. Severus knew that, and yet, it was as if the creature had taken on at least some of the characteristics of her namesake. Was Black responsible for that? Perhaps he'd stumbled across some obscure spell… a milder variation of the enchantment placed on portraits so they might serve as an echo of their late inhabitants. But why would he have chosen Lily? Why not James Potter, who'd clearly meant a great deal more to him?
And then it was obvious… so blatantly clear that Severus cursed himself for an idiot. Of course Black had chosen Lily if revenge had been his motivation. A subtle strike rather than a direct assault, using what he knew to be Severus's greatest vulnerability? Naturally, that begged the question as to what reaction he'd been hoping for. Had he honestly thought his nemesis would be traumatized because a fucking cat vaguely reminded him of his lost love?
Chuckling to himself, Severus gave the cat a scratch behind the ears, certain now that he'd solved the mystery.
Lily felt trapped.
Oh, she'd been much happier here at Hogwarts with Severus these past few months. She loved sleeping beside him, was thrilled at the way he'd started talking to her on a regular basis, often as if he didn't consciously realize he was doing so. He was being surprisingly… sweet, really, which was a side of him she hadn't seen since their falling out all those years ago. He brought her little treats from his meals in the Great Hall, was generous with his affections, and seemed to genuinely enjoy having her around.
And yet that was why she'd grown so restless. She wanted to interact with him as herself, knowing that at least part of the reason he'd accepted her so readily in the form of a furry companion must've been due to loneliness. Severus might live in a castle surrounded by hundreds of people, but in truth, he led a very solitary existence. She wanted to change that, far beyond her present capabilities, especially now that she'd realized how much she cared about him.
But how? She'd come no closer to revealing the truth. He knew there was something different about her, which was progress of a sort. But he also believed she was the product of a prank Sirius had decided to play on him, which made the burden of proof even more difficult than before. She'd thought again about spelling out a message, perhaps a memory only the two of them would know. But even that… how was he to know she hadn't shared that information with Sirius at some point after their falling out?
What could she say that would serve as irrefutable proof? At this point, Severus would accept nothing less.
The best idea she could come up with was to find some way to get the journal to him. She couldn't hope Sirius would be any help in that department, but if she could lead Severus to the book somehow or even switch to another animal and retrieve it herself, he'd put two and two together. She had no doubt about that.
That plan would have to wait until the next time he put in an appearance at Grimmauld Place, unfortunately, since she didn't have the power to get through the wards in her current form. She could probably manage it as an owl, but that would necessitate traveling hundreds of miles with the journal. Considering how carefully the Ministry was watching Owl Post these days, she couldn't bring herself to take that risk. That journal might be her only chance of ever lifting the spell, and if it was confiscated…
No. Besides, they were well into spring now. The school year would be over in a matter of weeks. Severus would resume his duties as a spy for the Order, giving her plenty of opportunities to accompany him to Headquarters. Just a little longer now and he'd know the truth, even if it took him a while to figure out how to lift the spell itself.
It was frightening, really, the thought of being human again. How would Severus react? What about Harry? How would he cope with meeting the mother who'd supposedly orphaned him as a baby? What about Vernon and Petunia? What would she say to them, having waited fourteen years to give them a piece of her mind? All the friends she'd once known, her teachers, the Wizarding world at large… how would they feel about her now?
Well, she knew one thing for sure. Come what may, at least she'd no longer be alone.
"Do you ever leave these rooms?" Severus smirked at the cat, who was giving him a sullen look. "Well, I can hardly blame you. If I had a choice, I wouldn't want to be out there either."
Wasn't that the truth? He'd come to expect a certain amount of chaos each year, but with that repulsive Umbridge breathing down everyone's neck every second of the day, the atmosphere around Hogwarts was downright miserable. Worse, his own Slytherins were helping the bitch carry out her reign of terror, and there was little he could do to stop them without implicating himself in the process.
To top it off, Dumbledore had been forced to flee the premises. Severus refused to use the word "sacked", being as he could hardly see where those who had done the sacking had had the authority to do so. And after what had happened to Minerva the day before…
"I need a nap," he grumbled, eying his bed with a great deal of longing. He rarely allowed himself such luxuries in the middle of the afternoon, even when things were relatively calm around Hogwarts. But his classes were concluded for the day, and at any rate, what else could he do? Grade the mountain of essays that were waiting for him? Stalk the halls and watch in helpless frustration as Umbridge and her "Inquisitorial Squad" made everyone's lives a living hell?
"Fuck it." Pulling off his boots, he collapsed on the bed with a groan that was part pleasure, part pain. Just thirty minutes… that was all he needed. His eyes were so heavy that he could no longer keep them open. Even the constant anxieties that battered his mind seemed to melt away, muffled into silence by sheer exhaustion.
Unfortunately, it was only the briefest respite – it could've been no more than five minutes before he was up again, startled by a sharp rap on the door.
"Professor Snape? Are you in there?"
He cursed under his breath, heaving himself out of bed. "Yes, Draco," he called back. "One moment."
When he opened the door, it was with the sinking feeling that he wouldn't be getting much sleep in the foreseeable future . Draco was waiting just outside, his expression positively dripping with malicious glee as he said, "The Headmistress wishes to see you, sir. She requests that you bring another bottle of Veritaserum."
"Oh?" said Severus. "And who are we interrogating this time?"
It was pointless to ask, really, being as Draco looked like he was about to piss himself with excitement. But Severus's stomach still lurched as the boy uttered a single word, lingering over each syllable like a caress.
"Potter."