This comes from a weird place of not wanting to write the same old same old family fight about a romantic OC thing and also needing more brotherly chaos. I reference a canon character that I don't use very often, but AlexHamato came up with a gag and I couldn't resist.
Raph trudged back to the lair with the air of a dead man and the every minute after that for a whole week of minutes droned on in a Shannon-less cloud of awkwardness and tension. Leo had run ahead of them, came panting into the lair, and whispered hurriedly to their father that Raph was having a relationship with a human girl. Sensei had declared his disappointment with Raph. He didn't punish him or ban him from seeing Shannon.
Splinter said solemnly, "I will meditate upon this and speak with the girl once I have overcome my shock. I ignorantly believed that I wouldn't need to address these problems. Bus, alas, even a father whose sons have no females in their species are not immune from these matters."
Leo said, "That's exactly what I told him!"
Raph didn't remember much of what his father had said because his blood pressure had skyrocketed higher than the Empire State Building. Don assured Raph later that he had blurted out that he always used protection and the he would never leave her for any reason and offered up his own banishment from the clan. Even though nobody had mentioned any of those topics.
Mikey said, "Did you see the look on Sensei's face when you said that? I bet he'll have to meditate for a month to get rid of that unwanted visual!"
So Raph locked himself in his bedroom chatting with his not-really-forbidden love on Facebook, typing in very bad grammar that his family hadn't really prohibited him from seeing her, but he couldn't see her because they didn't ban him from seeing her. It was just good manners.
She sent him many sad smileys and said that she would knit his dad a hat and that would make him like her!
"Day eight of Raph's self-imposed Shannon denial," Mikey said, as he watched Raph lift weights in the dojo as if he were made out of steel. "How many hours did you hit that punching bag this morning?"
"Six," Raph grunted as he lifted the barbells in the air over his head and brought them down as if he were bionic.
"Why? I mean, you like to lift weights and all, but isn't this a little excessive?" Mikey stood behind Raph so that he couldn't see him as he spoke, although Raph could heard him fiddling with something in his hands. Mikey said, "Oh, I see! You're not getting any, so you have to work off all that sexual tension! AM I RIGHT?!"
Raph put the weights in the rack and turned to cast a sweaty glare at Mikey. "No, I need to stay in shape so I can murder my brothers. What do you want?"
"Should I email a picture to your girlfriend of you all stinky and sweaty?" Mikey took a step back as Raph made a slight lunge in his direction. "I need your help! I'm writing a novel! I'm taking Don's advice and trying to turn my obnoxious qualities into a marketable skill! So I'm going to cast you as the lead in my romance novel! If you let me interview you, then I'll give you a cut of the money and you can build a house to put your girlfriend in when Sensei inevitably casts you out into the street for betraying the clan and all. So what do you think?"
Raph grabbed a yellow towel from the 1970's and dried his face. "How much? What percentage?" Raph knew that Shannon had some money saved up from her albums and classical concerts, but if they needed to go out on their own and find a place to live, he would be damned if he would live off his girl. He needed to find a way to provide for her and it was pretty hard for big scary mutants to get hired.
"Hmm…. Ten percent?" Mikey signaled Raph to follow him into his bedroom. "Come into my office."
"Uh…" Raph followed and hesitated in the doorway. "I don't like being in here. I feel like I'm in one of those weird manga chapters where everybody has huge eyeballs and screams about everything."
"Have a seat, my brother!" Mikey motioned Raph to an old desk chair rummaged out of a landfill. "Okay, my book will be called The Count of Mephistopheles, the Lost Duke of the Plantegenets. Either that or A Coal Mine Runs Through It. I'm not sure which. Or something about thorns. Like The Thorny Heart Gets the Rose. Anyway, you're going to be the lead romantic hero. At first the hero was going to be a big dumb ex-NHL player who works as a vigilante and has a smoking hot red-headed girlfriend who is insanely patient with him. But then all Casey's romantic stories were about him being dressed like a taco and April chasing him through the apartment with a spatula and it always ends with them 'grappling.' Whatever that means. And then he was going to be a Zen master who spends all his time training with his twin katanas, but Leo ignored me when I followed him around asking him questions and I decided to ask you. Plus, DUDE! You're the only one of us who's had sex! You actually have something to tell!" Mikey opened a Lisa Frank trapper keeper and grabbed an outline written in multi-colored ink.
"I'm not talking to you about sex…" Raph said, arms crossed.
"Well, I already have a publisher lined up. Four, actually! They loved my sample pages and they're waiting for a synopsis so that I can get a deal under way. Don't you want that ten percent? If so, you're going to have to dish a little, pal."
Raph scowled and then sighed. "Twenty percent. Or I tell you nothing."
Mikey clicked his tongue. "I'll give you a whole twenty five percent if you answer any questions I ask and don't punch me in the face."
"Um…" Raph furrowed his brows and he thought over the deal. He couldn't deny that Mikey had potential in this field. They had all been waiting for the horrible day when Mikey found himself in print and they all had to change their names because foot ninjas asked if they had inspired characters in their favorite romance novels. "Fine. But you can't keep pestering me if you don't like my answers. I'll give an answer, but… don' t keep following me around for a week trying to trick me into saying something else. You get what you get. And first put it down in writing!"
Raph stood over Mikey for three quarters of an hour forcing him to hand write a contract and then ordered him to call one of the publishers that had shown an interest in his book. After talking to a woman with a nasal voice that wouldn't stop calling Raph, "Sweetie," Raph finally sat down and said, "Okay, ask away."
Mikey pulled a tape recorder out from under his bedsheets and clicked it on. He sat it on the bedspread and then made a show of picking out a colored ink pen, holding up at least seven going, "Um… no… not right…" He finally clicked the pen and said, "Ready!"
Raph amended the contract to allow himself the right to destroy the tape recorder if Mikey asked anything really unseemly or if he started making creepy noises during the interview. Mikey happily agreed and Raph supposed it was because Mikey thought he was fast and sneaky enough that Raph would never be able to get his hands on it.
You're doing this for Shannon. For our future together! He repeated the mantra in his head as he ground his teeth, waiting for the questions.
Raph again isolated himself in his bedroom with the door shut, explaining on Facebook to Shannon that he had potentially found away to make some money so that they could move away and have a life together where nobody would bother them or try to keep them apart. Shannon said they needed to have a really big bathtub to have sex in. Raph concurred. Then he stared at all of her pictures, liked them all, then immediately unliked them all again.
"I have the transcript right here, dude," Mikey said, throwing the door open without knocking.
Raph slammed the laptop lid shut and it promptly fell off. He snatched the document from his brother's hand and shoved him back out of his room, slamming the door in his face.
The document was a typed transcript with Mikey denoted by M and Raph denoted by R.
It read:
M: So, have you ever eaten in bed like George Costanza?
R: Only if Leo makes me go on a diet.
M: I mean when you're with Shannon!
R: Well, not when we're in bed together… doing stuff! It's hard enough for a guy with an inflexible spine to do normal stuff. Am I supposed to juggle cats at the same time too?
M: Like how food and sex are man's favorite hobbies. So you try them both at once.
R: She'd sort of notice. She expects my full attention. So that's a big no. Next question?
M: So what does Shannon call you when she's climaxing? Big Guy? Butchy Butch?
R: Pfft. I'm not answering that.
M: You have to per the terms of our contract. Want me to read it? It's paragraph 5 right here…
R: Fine! Neither of those things. There I answered.
M: Pretty Raph
R: (went silent and was all blushy blushy)
M: That's it! That's so freaking… I don't know what to say. Is she near sighted? What do you call her?
R: Huh?
M: What do you call her? Like, "Oh, Shannon, my Pearlescent Princess of Passion!"
R: Um…
M: These aren't hard questions, Raph.
R: Uh… I don't call her nothing. I don't say… uh… Can we move on?
M: No! What do you call her? I need to know so that my hero can passionately cry out the name of his goddess as she makes love to him on horseback as they ride away from Nazis. The Nazis are shooting at them with flame throwers!
R: Doesn't this guy work in a coal mine? Is he in Nazi Europe? That doesn't sound too romantic.
M: I'm not sure. But he's going to make love to her while he's been shot in the chest and they're being chased by Hermann Goering!
R: Why is this bastard whipping out his dick if Hermann Goering is shooting at him? Shouldn't he put it away and kill the guy so that she doesn't get shot with her petticoats over her head?
M: He must have the stamina to make love anywhere and in any situation! And you're avoiding the question! What do you call Shannon while you're climbing the mountain top?
R: Uh…
M: You're making this really hard, man.
R: I call her Shannon! Why is that so interesting?! I call her by her fucking name!
M: Fine (note: He'll call her My Pearlescent Princess of Passionate Hope! My everything! Boring old Raph!) Anyway, are you the seme or the uke?
R: What's that?
M: Like who is aggressive and who is passive?
R: Well, I don't rough her up or anything!
M: Easy, big fella! I mean, who is on top? You or her? I assume it's you, you big seme, you!
R: Uh… okay. Next?
M: Wait… you're blushing again! She's totally on top right?
R: WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME THESE QUESTIONS? DO YOU HAVE SOME KIND OF PROBLEM! I'M YOU'RE BROTHER! (caplock for Raph screamy)
M: It's research! So she's the one on top all the time? Dude, that is so dull. Don't you like move or do anything?
R: I move plenty!
M: Oh, well. Do you ever role play?
R: Like Dungeons & Dragons? We're not nerdy enough for that.
M: No! In the bedroom! Do you dress up like a cop and handcuff her or stuff like that?
R: How am I going to fit into a costume, dumbass? And I'd never handcuff her! To anything! For any fucking reason!
M: You don't have to cover, brah! That's what everybody likes! I mean, that's what sells!
R: I don't dress up! She… wears her wings once in a while! But that's all! It's very cute!
M: CUTE?! (I added dresses up like a nurse and spanks him)
R: Cute! She's pretty! Cute! Pretty! She's a girl!
M: Calm down! I'm going to just add some costume choices in here. (school girl, girl scout, Nami from One Piece)
R: Don't put that I do any of that shit! She just wears her wings and that flower hair thing of hers!
M: Yeah, yeah. I'm writing it. (yeah right. If it was for old ladies) Anyway, have you ever been impotent?
R: NO!
M: Methinks the lady doth protest too much. So how many times? Ten? Twenty?
R: Once! And that was just because I ate some bad fish that day.
M: That's the problem with romance novels. Are you able to like bang her five or six times in a row without stopping? Because I don't know how to write that he goes like BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM without him needing a break to rebuild his resources you know?
R: Sucks for you, I guess.
M: If you want this book to sell so that you can make money to support sweet little Shannon and your green little babies…
R: We can't have babies and you know it!
M: Well you and Shannon… how can I make it work unless there is a ton of gritty graphic sex! That's what sells!
R: Can't you figure out what happens after that? You have a dick, don't you? Test it on yourself!
M: I don't have a girlfriend!
R: You got your hand, don't you? And speaking of that, you got other parts you can use when you're out of commission for a while! MOVE ALONG!
M: You're getting so worked up. Chill. Do you growl during sex?
R: Huh? Like… growling? Well, that would be rude.
M: Come on! I bet chicks would love that!
R: Uh…
M: I bet you do!
R: Want me to break this tape player over your fucking head? I said no. Next question.
M: (he growls like a horny angry dog in the midst of a pack of females in heat) Okay, what kind of sounds does she make when she's excited?
R: Like when she sees a smurf? She usually don't make any noise and hides.
M: (she is turned on by smurfs and is so intimidated by his sexual prowess that she hides from him, in a sexy way, of course) She's afraid of smurfs? Like a smurf phobia?
R: Yeah, what of it?
M: Stop cracking your knuckles! Nothing of it! So you ever try any S&M stuff?
R: Huh?
M: Stop saying Huh and Uh! Just answer!
R: Um… Like do I make her wear a ball gag and spank her? I DON'T HIT HER!
M: (had to stop because he punched me. He won't hit HER anyway) So you don't even dress her up in leather and have her whip you?
R: No! I said I don't dress her up in stupid outfits! Aren't you listening!? Need me to punch you again to make you remember? I get hit enough in real life. Like I need that when I'm… doing stuff…
M: (she'll totally be a dominatrix) Okay, Don Juan. (so I edited out the really specific stuff where he hit me so much that my nose bled. I'll just make that stuff up ?) I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have a fizzling sex life. It is so boring. And just as soon as it began too! It's a tragedy.
R: I DO NOT HAVE A FIZZLING SEX LIFE! I'M A GENTLEMAN!
M: (then he beat me unconscious while he screamed that he's a gentleman)
NOW FOR SHANNON! I hope she'll be more interesting.
Raph read the next caption and his hands shook with rage, but he decided to read the whole section before he tossed it aside and throttled Mikey.
M: Hey, girlfriend! How've you been?
S: Bad. I can't see Pretty Raph because his dad said it was okay to see me.
M: Yeah, Raph's complicated like that. Anyway, I'm writing a book about him and I need some details on your sex lives. For research! Not because I'm a pervert! For realism. I want this sucker to sell! Then Raph will get 25% for helping me.
S: You do know he'll kill you for asking me questions? But okay! Go ahead.
M: Does he ever dress you up in costumes?
S: He won't let me. I asked once and he went all funny and went home. He likes when I wear pretty things like my wings or flowers or ribbons or stuff like that.
M: Do you think maybe he harbors a secret desire to wear them himself?!
S: No, he said he likes seeing things that are pretty.
M: (BORING!) Okay, do you ever do super kinky stuff?
S: No, he don't hardly let me touch him. He's shy. He's a real gentleman!
M: So you don't play like naughty cops and frisky robbers?
S: No, he likes to kiss me a lot and hold me and stuff.
M: He sounds like a total girl!
S: No, he isn't! He's real manly!
M: (okay, Mr. SnugglePants is TOTALLY manly) Do you think he finds it emasculating when you call him Pretty Raph?
S: I guess not. He smiles a lot. He likes doing stuff in the bathtub. Is that interesting?
M: FINALLY! (likes bathtub) Yeah, that's slightly more interesting than nothing, I guess.
S: Why do you want to make him sound mean and horrible? He's so gentle with me. And he's real big and rough, so I like that a lot. He probably doesn't want to touch me on account of me being touched badly by other guys and him knowing it.
M: (yikes, backing away with hands up) Yeah, that's good I guess.
S: So, you write down that Pretty Raph is a very gentle lover. You write it down right now!
M: Pretty Raph is a very gentle lover. So he's gentle and nice and treats you right and never makes you dress up like Barbara Walters and doesn't tie you up or make you sign a contract to touch him?
S: Yeah!
M: You know what? THIS IS CRAP! I CAN'T SELL THIS! A guy who is NICE to his girlfriend?! Nobody wants to read about that! I'm going to have to start all over again! What a big waste of my time! I know! I'll ask Don! He's a big weirdo! I bet he has all kinds of things I can use! Okay, I'll just… get back with you once I get an offer on the book, huh? See ya!
Raph stared at the page with his eyes bulging, his rage dulled with humiliation. He yanked his bedroom door open and found Mikey standing exactly where he'd ejected him, hand over the part of his nose that had just been whacked by the door. "So what? I don't get my money now? You made a deal! We signed a contract!"
"If you read the fine print that I added while you were in the bathroom before you signed, you only get money if I use your notes. And I'm not. Don haggled with me to 40%. He has a good imagination. I'm thinking about co-writing it with him. He's a genius! Well, I'm off to send the synopsis to the publisher."
"Hey! This shit stays in the family! Nobody else sees this! Got it!" Raph waved the typed page in Mikey's face to emphasize the point.
Mikey rolled his eyes and stuffed the pages in his Lisa Frank trapper keeper. "Yeah, whatever. Like anybody is interested in you sexually." Then he pulled out his synopsis and left the lair.
Two days passed in a lingering death rattle of agonizing no-Shannon slowness. As they sat at the breakfast table, Mikey and Don announced that they were buying a yacht with their royalties and sail to Cuba. Splinter asked if they were going to take sailors with them or was he going to have to audition himself two more sons in the meantime.
Leo ate cereal, unusually happy for a guy who had just screamed at Raph ten days earlier that Raph had ruined his life. "Sensei, Raph and I patrolled yesterday. Just like we used to. All seems to be quiet for a change! We're going to check all the security cameras in the tunnels today. How does that sound, Raph?"
"Thrilling," Raph spun his full cereal bowl with his spoon until milk trickled out over the sides.
Splinter sighed and said, "I understand that you are wearied by this waiting…"
Raph laughed and mumbled into his cereal with a bitter smile, "Yeah, wearied… that's a word for it…"
"…But I still wish to speak to Miss Darling in my own time. You know that in the meantime you are free to see her when you are not encumbered by your duties here at home, which, might I mention, you have woefully neglected the past few months." Raph's face burned irrationally as Splinter ignored his outright disrespect.
He was tired of this stillness. Time to finally make a wave. "WELL, FUCK THIS!" He jumped out of chair and gave it a quick kick. "I'M TIRED OF WAITING AROUND HERE FOR NOTHING TO HAPPEN AND BEING TOLD I CAN SEE HER WHEN I VERY WELL KNOW THAT I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO! WHAT ARE YOU GUYS TRYING TO DO TO ME?"
"We're not trying to do anything!" Leo said, one hand raised to appease Raph and the other holding a spoonful of cereal. "Just calm down!"
His face exploded in boiling hot tears as he paced away towards nothing in particular, hardly noticing where he was headed. "WHY AM I SO WRONG HERE? I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG! YOU CAN'T KEEP MY FROM HER! SHE JUST SITS IN HER ROOM ALL DAY ASKING WHEN MY NICE FAMILY WILL LET ME COME BACK TO HER! I'M TIRED OF THIS SHIT!"
Mikey ran into the living room, waving a handful of papers. "Guys! I have some bad news! I got an email from my publisher… Oh, hey, Raph. I got an email from my publisher!"
"Did they turn down our book?" Don asked, appearing from the lab with what looked like an old circuit board with bits of wire falling off at his feet.
"You are free to leave, Raphael," Splinter said, not batting a whisker. "I have no reason to keep you here. These are your decisions."
"OH, MY FUCKING DECISIONS!" He pointed at himself dramatically, now sobbing with rage. "MY OWN DECISIONS! MY DECISIONS TO HIDE HERE AWAY FROM HER BECAUSE I KNOW I'M GOING TO GET BANISHED OR SOMETHING IF I LEAVE! WELL, GO AHEAD AND FUCKING BANISH ME! I DON'T CARE!"
Leo sighed and stood up. "Calm down! We're not going to banish you! You're the one who keeps bringing that up! Sensei would never do that! Calm down!"
"I emailed the Ancient One a recipe this morning. He's on the top of Mt. Fuji and he just got wifi. He says it's helpful with meditation because he can stream Shania Twain now. Maybe I mistranslated that. But anyway… he emailed me back this morning…" Mikey said, ignoring Raph as he slammed his fist on a side table behind the couch and it broke into thousands of pieces.
Splinter attempted to approach his hysterical son, holding out a hand to him. "I do not wish to be cruel. You bring these harsh judgments upon yourself. I have not found you guilty for loving someone. But I must think of the safety of our family and the safety of others around you."
Mikey stood between Raph, face molten hot with angry tears as he leaned against the back of the couch poised to leave and Splinter, holding out a hand to his suffering son. Mikey said, "So I got an email from my publisher asking why I emailed her a recipe for a good way to make lentils. And then the Ancient One asked me why I sent him… uh… Dude, are you going to laugh, Raph!" And Mikey let out a long exaggerated laugh.
Don waved the circuit board in the air like a flag and hit Leo in the head with a flying coil. "Did you screw up our deal!? I told you to let me do the emailing. You can't watch Naruto and chew gum at the same time, let alone email files to a bunch of people."
Raph pulled away and took a few shaky steps backwards. "Well, if you want to talk to her, go ahead. But it won't make no difference. I can protect her. I do protect her. I already have protected her! You can't take this away from us! And… safety! What the fuck ever! You know where to find me!" He turned to leave, shaking off his father's loving hand.
"I totally emailed the Ancient One those notes I took when I interviewed Raph about being the hero in my novel! You know, where I asked if you guys dress up and…" Mikey noticed the narrowed gaze of his father. "…If you guys meditate together… stuff… yeah…"
Raph froze in the doorway, "YOU WHAT?!"
Leo's eyes opened wider than Raph thought was possible. "The Ancient One?! What?! I… What do we do?!" Leo grabbed Splinter's shoulders in a panic. "Sensei! He'll kill us all!"
"Do not panic, my sons! How did this happen?" Splinter's whiskers flicked very fast as he thought. "Donatello! Give me an email! I must make apologies! I will punish Michelangelo after I have received my own punishment. Raphael… please do not act out of your confusion. I promise that I will not make any decision to punish or hurt you, but for the good of all of you."
Raph stared at Splinter as he scurried into the lab and waited for Don to bring up an empty email. He heard his father say, "How should I start this? Should I inquire after his health or shall I immediately apologize and heap dishonor upon myself? Which will be better?"
"I would inquire after his health and make a crack about Shania Twain. Like, loosen him up first and then when he's all happy! POW! Hit him with the bad news! That's how I usually do it!" Mikey said as he followed them into the lab.
"You are right, Michelangelo," Splinter said, typing slowly as he pecked at the keys. "I will enquire after his health and make some jokes. Come and help me!"
Raph hung his head, staring at the floor.
"Are you leaving then?" Leo asked. "I can text you and let you know if the Ancient One is coming to murder us all or something."
For some reason, he couldn't care less if the Ancient One, Splinter, or any of his family knew any of the details that he'd hidden for so long. "I'm going to see Shannon. I'm going to disappear for a few days. So don't count on an answer," Raph said.
Leo nodded awkwardly. "I understand. I don't approve, but I understand. Do what you have to do. I'll take care of this circus."
Raph took a few steps out the door, stopped and turned around and hugged Leo tightly, thumping him on the back of the shell. "I'll be back in a few days."
"Yeah, okay." He felt his brother go rigid, as if he'd just been struck by lightning.
Raph didn't want to let Leo go, but Leo shrugged his shoulders to indicate a desire for release. As Raph left, he heard Splinter saying, "What are these notes that he speaks of? Barbara Walters?"