Disclaimer: I do not, nor will I ever, own Dissidia.
I am looking for more of the stuff I was taking when I first came up with this concept because I am seriously running out of inspiration. I've got ideas a couple more chapters, after which I'll have to do something stupid again.
Chapter 21: Kefka the Lawyer.
In the depths of the law office there was a basement room where all the records of previous and current lawsuits were filed. Sitting behind a simple black desk illuminated by a simple desk lamp was one of the firms best lawyers, Kefka Palazzo.
He was browsing through the ones stored under Supernatural/Paranormal/Abstract for any cases even remotely resembling the one he was currently faced with. Much to his dismay, they had an entire file cabinet full of the stuff. They ranged from defending Count Dracula from a larceny (filed by a blood bank of course), to mass homicide by Ares (filed by both sides in the conflict), to a zoning dispute with frickin Cthulhu (for raising his island in private waters), and one against Godzilla (for destruction of private and public property in Tokyo of course).
The more Kefka read, the more ridiculous everything began to look. He just couldn't understand how mythical gods, Transylvanian legends, mutated creatures, and even abstract concepts could be sued for things they are expected to do. The reaction of his coworkers had not helped in the slightest.
"This kind of things is normal?" he though irritably, "just what the hell kind of place is this city for this to be normal?"
"None of this adds up," he muttered, flipping another page, "but at least I have a precedent...ugh, my head."
Quick recap: Kefka, after leading a mob that turned half the city into a pile of smoldering wreckage, was detained into an asylum run by William. Upon proving himself to be immune to practically every method they administered, the asylum director (William) decided to rewrite his memories, effectively changing his personality. It worked really, and the mild mannered lawyer was born...unfortunately he was wired to function in the normal world, not a whacked up, intelligence-less, city where all the residents, bar the visitors, are obviously retards.
"Minor oversight really."
"What?"
"...nothing," William returned to eating his sundae.
Garland sat across the table "So...this Wright guy you've worked with him before?"
"Why'd you think I said 'the usual fee'? He's a damned good defense lawyer too."
"So...who's their lawyer?"
He hesitated for a moment, "Your friend...well not really."
"I have a friend who's a lawyer? Oh. Kefka."
William nodded, "He's also made himself quite the reputation in a very short amount of time."
"What kind of reputation?"
"A nasty one."
"How nasty?"
"Chew-your-ass-and-spit-it-out nasty. Fortunately the judge is also a friendly."
"Friendly judge? Don't tell me..."
-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-
"All rise for the judge!"
Gabranth walked in from the back door towards the bench all the while wrestling the standard coat over his armor.
"Sit down," he sat on his high char and put on the wig thing, "we are here today to pursue the case of wrongful death filed against Mr. Garland by Mr. Thomas Ambersons. Please present your case Mr. Palazzo."
Kefka stood up and outlined their case in a good five minutes. It was simple really, his client (Mr. Ambersons) was suing his friend (Garland) for the wrongful death of his (Mr. Ambersons) wife during the period the latter was working as the replacement for Death.
Gabranth was silent, "...what is your client's plead Mr. Wright?"
"Not guilty. My client was only performing his duty at the time. And being the representative of Death should exclude him from such action."
"The law clearly states one must be held responsible for his actions," Kefka countered.
"This is a special circumstance."
"The law here is comprehensive enough to cover that."
"You can argue about the law's coverage later," Gabranth intervened sounding irritated, "back to you seats."
The two lawyers exchanged scathing glares before returning to their seats.
"Now then. I have organized this hearing in the hopes that this matter could be settled-"
"Not a chance," Kefka's client sounded like an arrogant prick, "We're not settling on anything."
"We could avoid a very messy trial that way. At least consider it," Kefka tried to reason.
"Shut up! I'm paying you to talk back for me not to talk back to me."
The entire courtroom stilled at that. Gabranth glanced at Kefka, then at his client, then at his court reporter.
"I recorded that in case you were wondering," Sephiroth didn't look up.
Garland leaned over to William, "Geez, what an a**hole."
"Why do you think he was on the list in the first place?" he smiled rather wickedly.
The judge cleared his throat, "Well then. Since it appears that a settlement is unattainable. I guess we will have to proceed with the discovery: since this is a minor case, you have 2 weeks. "
"Minor?"
"Yes Mr. Palazzo. Minor. A quick look through the records show that," he rapped his gravel, "court is adjourned."
People began to shuffle out of their seats.
"Gotta to be the shortest court session I've ever had," William stretched a little.
"You've been to court before?" Garland waved goodbye to Wright.
"A whole friki'n lot," he eyed Sephiroth for a minute, "I think it's time we had a chat with that guy."
They followed him down a couple of corridors. He quickly rounded a corner and they did likewise. Only to find themselves staring down the tip of a seven foot long nodachi.
"Oh. It's just you," he lowered the sword, "sorry. Thought you were one of my stalkers."
"You have stalkers?"
"Strange ones. The other day there was this girl trying to make me sign some disturbing art of me doing...," he cringed at the memory, "I fail to comprehend how those girls know everything about me. One of them even recited my whole life story!"
"Wow," Garland scratched his chin, "where they like, stalking you since you were born?"
"Unlikely. I'm older than them."
"Hold on a sec, all of them are girls?"
"Yes. And they all had disturbing ideas about me and my orientations...plus the way they talked."
"What about it?"
"They talked like I was a character in a game they played..."
"The hell? How in the world does that even-What are you doing William?"
"What?" William stopped moving his hand, "can't a guy move his hands in the air in peace?"
"It looked like you were examining a wall. An invisible one."
"And knowing you there's probably an invisible wall that we're going to bump into," Garland moved forward carefully, perfectly expecting to bump into something of the sort. He however, found nothing.
"Like I said: nothing but air there," he walked past them.
The two Warriors of Chaos stared at him for a moment.
Garland turned to his companion, "Have you ever gotten the feeling that he's not telling us something?"
"Yes I have. I also feel like he's plotting something against us."
"We'll have to deal with that when the time comes..."
They then wondered just how in hell William, of all people, could possibly harm them.
"Yo! Are you guys coming or what!"
-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-
Kefka locked his office door, sat behind his desk and massaged his forehead; so much for trying to get this settled. Now he has to endure another trial with that loud mouthed, hot blooded Wright and that new assistant/apprentice of his...what was his name? Apollo? Whatever his name was, if he truly was Wright's student that only meant one thing: enough shouting to render the gods deaf and ham enough to destroy the courthouse.
He cringed at the thought but put it to one side, he needed to focus on his-
The phone suddenly rang jerking the former omnicidal maniac out of his thoughts.
"Yes what is it?"
"Sir...you uh...have a few new clients..."
Kefka frowned, the fact that she had stressed the words 'a few' definitely meant there were more than 'a few'.
"Well who are they?"
"Friends and family of a cruise ship that went missing recently."
He was puzzled, "You mean the incident a few days ago?"
"Yes. The families of those who died want to file a lawsuit."
"On who!"
"...Death himself."
"...And that's why they came here?"
"Well, yes. They heard about the case you're currently working on and decided to-"
"Yes that is painfully obvious!" Kefka cut in, "But how can Death be held responsible for what happened on the cruise ship!"
"They heard from a reliable source that the ship wasn't the intended target. The reaper that reaped the souls was apparently aware that something was amiss yet opted to continue."
Kefka was dumbfounded. Sure that made sense, but still.
"Sir? Is everything okay?"
"Yes...nothing to worry about."
-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-
Meanwhile in the local supermarket.
Warrior of Light strolled down the aisles at a brisk pace. Today was grocery day and he had drawn short straw, not that he was complaining. At least he could make sure that they get a balanced diet.
He passed down the sweets section and paused. As the name implied, everything in this section was sweet, sugary, non-nutritious, and will probably rot your teeth out. But he had to admit, they were good.
As such he found himself picking up a few packs. The occasional treat wasn't bad, but he had recently noticed that a suspiciously large amount of them disappeared on an almost daily basis. He suspected the trouble makers were sneaking snacks behind his back but he had no proof. Another suspect would be little Luneth, the boy was a warrior but still young. Another, though strange guess, would be Cloud, of all people.
Shaking his head, he put the though out of his mind. The culprit will be revealed soon anyway. The amount of sugar in the missing sweets was more than enough to induce a few cavities. So following logic, the first person to get a toothache is the culprit. But it still had to be proven.
Fortunately, he had a plan. And it involved a short visit to the clothes department.
"Mr Ambersons I believe a situation has come up."
"Well? What the hell is it?"
"As you know, this case has attracted a whole lot of attention due to the fact that we are suing Death himself. As such many people have come forward with their own set of complaints."
"What about them?"
"Well...due to the fact that it appears that this law office is the only one wiling to take such cases, all of those who have their complaints came here."
"So?"
"So what I'm saying is that we are log jammed with work!"
"Your point?"
"My point is, there are simply too many cases for the firm to handle. So we are planning on combining all the current suits, including yours, and to submit it as one in order to cut down on the work."
"And you're telling me this, why?"
"To get your approval on the plan."
"Not gonna have it."
"...What?"
"You deal with my case first. I hired you first. The rest of those twits can go f*** themselves."
Kefka was speechless.
His client stood up and made for his coat, "Is that all? Don't go asking me to drag my ass all the way out here if it isn't important. Got it?"
The lawyer simply sat there slack jawed.
His secretary slipped in and handed him some aspirin, "Guy's one hell of a douche huh?"
"Tell me about it," he leaned back and massaged his temples.
"What do you usually do with annoying types?"
"I kick them off floating continents laughing. Then I mess up the alignment of three statues to bring about the end of the- What the hell am I saying!"
His secretary was wide eyed, "You need a break. All this stress is getting to you."
Kefka shook his head, "I need to finish these cases."
She shrugged, "Okay. But don't push yourself okay."
"Relax. I'll be fine. Not like all the work's going to push me over the edge or something."
-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-
"Wanna bet on that?"
"You're talking to sky again William."
"The sky's being awfully friendly today anyway. And: are you going to finish that ice cream?"
"Mine!" Garland then began to move the ice cream up and down over the grates of his faceplate roughly where his mouth is supposed to be. Seated across the table, William and Sephiroth snickered in amusement.
"I would comment on how this doesn't make the slightest amount of sense: but hey, it's you," Sephiroth stirred his coffee.
"What's next on your job's list Garland?" William put a little umbrella, one matching the purple one over their table, into his drink.
"Saw this add for an unused laboratory. I'm thinking of buying the place then using it to churn out some products that I can hopefully make a profit out of."
"Something tells me bad things are going to happen because of that."
"Won't know until you try!" the rest of the ice cream cone disappeared with a satisfied crunch, "By the way Sephiroth, I've been meaning to ask you."
"Yes?"
"Why do we keep seeing you all over the place? And each time with a different job to boot."
Sephiroth put down his cup, "Well, I haven't found a job to my liking yet so I help Golbez do his thing. Besides, why are you questioning my shifting of jobs when you, Garland, are the master of it?"
A laugh, "Touche Sephiroth!"
"That aside," Sephiroth leaned forward a bit, "you two seem to be awfully relaxed for a pair who just got sued."
This stopped Garland, "Hmn...you're right. Hey William, why aren't you as concerned as you were when you first heard about this?"
"Well...I have this wonderful feeling that this case is going to screw itself over."
He had this glint in his eye while he was talking. And the two Warriors of Chaos knew that it meant trouble.
The next day Kefka awoke with a splitting headache. The night before had been rough: working till very late in the evening on the piles of cases he's been forced to deal with(no thanks to that jerk Ambersons). His dreams had not been helpful in the slightest.
"Me? An ax crazy ex-general who willing disrupted a delicate balance in order to gain the power to destroy the world? ABSURD!"
He rolled out of bed and half dragged himself into the bathroom. He gaze into his own reflection in the bathroom mirror.
"This is not the face of a murderer. It truly is not!"
"Wanna bet on that?"
Kefka screamed, fell flat on his back, and scrambled to the other corner of the room.
"Who said that!"
A snicker, "You did of course. Do you see anyone else in this room?"
"W-who are you?"
"Who am I? Who am I!" maniacal laughter echoed throughout the room, "Why I'm you of course! You should've realized that by now!"
"Me!"
"Of course you! We're one and the same after all."
"Impossible!"
"Geez, is this one of those lousy day time TV dramas? Would you just quit being in denial and accept it? A lot easier that way."
"No! I cannot! I will not!"
"Sigh...Fine be that way! You'll come around soon enough...Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"
The ominous laughter echoed throughout the room after an excruciating period of time, finally died down.
Kefka carefully stood up and peered into the mirror; there was nothing to see but his own reflection. Then a loud noise nearly made him jump out of his pants.
The noise then repeated. And after a frantic moment, Kefka realized what it was: someone was knocking on his door.
"Calm down you fool!" he straightened himself best he could. He headed for the door and hoped he looked presentable.
Waiting outside was a delivery boy carrying a small package.
"Mr. Palazzo?"
"That would be me."
"I have a package for you."
"Package? Who is it from?"
"Don't know," the delivery boy checked the box, "the return address is for a space colony."
"...A space colony?"
"Yes. A space colony," he held out the package, "look I don't get it either. Could you just take the package so we can get going?"
"...Very well then," he took the package and signed the papers. The delivery boy took them back, said thanks, and left.
Kefka opened the package and examined it: it contained a music player with remote earpiece.
"Hmn...not bad," he put on the earpiece and hit the play button, "not bad at all."
He smiled a bit, who ever sent this was considerate. He turned the player around and saw something written on its back, probably the brand or unit name.
"Zoning and Emotional Range Omitted? Never heard of it."
He shrugged and went back to his preparations.
-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-
A few hours later at the courthouse.
"Well then, let's get this show on the road," Gabranth clasped his hands together, "Plaintiff: you have the floor."
Kefka took a deep breath and stood up. When he did, he heard a small beep. Looking around, he saw nothing that could possibly cause that small beep.
"Is something wrong Mr. Palazzo?"
"No nothing," he looked around a little more then realized, he hadn't removed the earpiece.
"Well? What're ya waiting for?" Ambersons was rapping his foot impatiently, "Get on with!"
"Mr. Ambersons, you're input is unnecessary."
"Oh screw it jud-"
"You will be held in contempt of court if you continue to disrupt the proceedings."
"...hmph," he turned back to his lawyer, "well?"
"Huh? Oh sorry!" Kefka pushed a few more buttons on the music player.
"Why won't it shut down!" he hissed, "Oh screw this!" he jammed the device back into his pocket.
In his pocket, the device buzzed and displayed: Z.E.R.O. System activated.
Interfacing with user's cerebral network...Complete.
Optimizing data parameters...Complete.
Initializing tactical analysis...Complete.
Initializing tactical data input.
-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-
And so the trial began. Kefka started by presenting their accusations. After which Wright began to blast holes in it in the way that only he could.
During the middle of a particularly tedious discussion with Wright, Kefka suddenly heard a robotic voice in his head.
"Presenting Viable options:"
Kefka stopped in mid sentence, "Huh?"
All of a sudden, his mind was flooded with possible actions, possible results of those actions, responses to the results of those actions, and responses to that!
If there was a term for this, it would be information overload.
Kefka dropped to his knees, "Graah!"
"Kefka!" Garland was ready to run over until William grabbed his arm to which he glared.
"That's a violation of court proceedings."
The armored man gritted his teeth, "Did you have a hand in this?"
A sly smile, "What makes you say that?"
Garland grunted and sat back down while Wright edged towards the plaintiff table slightly.
"Are you okay Kefka?"
"Concerned for me Wright?" Kefka struggled to get back on his feet, "My that's strange."
"We may be on opposite sides of the court, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't be concerned about each other."
Everyone nodded along with Wright's words. Well everybody except...
"What is this a daytime drama?" Ambersons jerked his head back, "Could we just get on with this already?"
The entire court glared at him hard. He, on the other hand, looked like a bored commentator.
Gabranth cleared his throat and rapped his gravel, "Let's take a 15 minute break."
The court shuffled as everyone headed for the door. Outside, Garland took William aside rather violently.
"No need to get so rough on me!"
"I'll ask once," he twisted William's arm behind his back and pinned him to the wall, "what are you up to this time?"
"Trying to give you a hand," he moved his arm from side to side in a vain attempt to escape.
"A hand in what?"
"Getting the old Kefka back," he tried again, and failed. He turned his head to try and get a better look, "Didn't you want that?"
"Of course I do. But I'm really concerned about what's going on to Kefka," he adjusted his grip, and William used that chance to slip away.
"Relax," he started to walk away, "give it a little while longer and everything will be resolved."
He laughed and headed away until he bumped into a little girl.
"Oh sorry. Didn't see you there."
The girl gave him a look that can only be described as a death glare. Then there was a glint of recognition, "Are you...Phoenix's employer?"
"Uh...yes. Why do you-"
He was cut off when the girl suddenly slapped him so hard that his head snapped backwards while his right hand flew to the back of his neck.
"OUCH!" William staggered back, "What the HELL was that for!"
"I sense...darkness in you," she glared at him a bit more, then ran off before William could respond.
Rubbing his cheek, he turned and saw Garland approaching with a big smile. Or at least, he though he was smiling.
"I'll consider that karma."
"Well., awfully convenient that karma," William rubbed his cheek, "come on. I need to get some ice on this..."
Garland laughed and accompanied William towards the clinic.
Meanwhile in the bathroom, Kefka hurriedly removed the earpiece and the music player. He examined the player: it looked like an ordinary player.
"There must be something more to this," he muttered. He wasn't carrying anything new except for the player and this has never happened before.
He placed the earpiece back and began fiddling with the buttons. The display flickered to life and displayed: Z.E.R.O. System active.
"Z.E.R.O. System? What is this?" Kefka began punching buttons again.
Eventually, the screen's display changed.
Data inconsistencies found...
Corrupt files found...
Delete corrupt and inconsistent data by initializing system restore?
"System restore?" he echoed. From what little he knew of computers, this meant that the computer's memory would returned to a previous state known as the restore point. It also usually resolved many kinds of problems.
"Okay then," he hit the yes button. The screen fizzled and then displayed:
Identifying problem files...Complete.
Searching for restore point...
Searching...
Searching...
Searching...
Kefka stared at the screen for a few more moments. His cellphone suddenly rang and pulled his attention to it.
"Mr. Palazzo the court is about to return to session."
"I'll be on my way," he pocketed the device, which was still searching for a restore point, and left.
-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-
Back in court the sides continued their proceedings. Until of course...
The screen blinked: Restore point found.
"The point is moot Mr. Wright. What I'm saying is-" he suddenly stopped moving, mouth hanging open.
Wright edged closer, "Mr. Palazzo? Something wrong?"
Kefka didn't reply. He just stood there, mouth hanging open.
Garland turned to William, "Okay wiseguy. Spit it. What's going on?"
"It's getting close to the time we made our exit," he started packing in all their things, "Your Honor. You might want to dismiss early."
Gabranth glared at him, "First you tell me what's wrong with Kefka."
"Nothing. In fact, he's going to be just fine."
-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-
In Kefka's mind.
Kefka, the sane one, now found himself standing in a very large, very dark room.
"What in the world-?" the sound of electronic beeping made him turn his head.
Behind him, seemingly floating in mid air, were words. And they read:
System restore point found.
Reconstructing system at restore point.
Electronic whirls and beeps were heard as one's and zero's appeared and began clump together to form a vaguely humanoid shape.
"Judging from the accumulation of the one's and zero's, it should take roughly 3 or so minutes for this to-"
A foot suddenly exploded from the mass of numbers. Followed by a pair of arms and a head.
Kefka watched, half amused, half terrified, as the person clawed his way out.
"Geez damn thing could even get the job done fast enough," the man's voice sounded familiar. If fact, he felt as though he's recently heard it...
"YOU!" he jabbed a finger at the man.
"Yeah? What about me?" he dusted the number off his clothes.
"You were that voice earlier in the morning!"
"And if I was," he picked some wax out of his ear.
"What is the meaning of this!"
"I'm the restore point," the man smiled, "like I said, we're one and the same."
"What!"
The man pointed to the floating words, "When it said system restore, it wasn't referring to itself. It was referring to you. The 'corrupted' files it mentioned are artificial memories that allowed you to assume the identity that you have right now."
"...Are you telling me that what I am right now is nothing more that a false identity and YOU are the true me?"
"Yup."
"Utterly unbelievable."
"Believe it. Look even Garland wasn't very happy about the whole physcho clown thing, but he realized that it was necessary."
"And what's going on now?"
"That computer thingy is waiting for final approval."
Kefka looked up and noticed the words had changed.
Restore point reconstructed. Proceed with system restore?
He gazed back at the clown, "Should I really do this?"
"Yup. I'm sure everybody misses the old me."
"That's a pretty biased assesment."
"Of course it is. Now push the damn button."
"Suppose you are telling the truth, what incentive do I have to-"
"You get to kill Ambersons."
"...Really?"
"Yes. Now push the damn button."
"Certainly!" Kefka immediately pressed the yes button.
-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-
"Oi! What are you doing?" Ambersons waved his hand in front of Kefka's face. Completely ignoring the fact that he's started to glow.
"What is that?"
"That would be our cue to get out of here," William motioned to Gabranth, "I think now would be a great time to adjourn court."
The good judge was about to object, but he noticed that the air around Kefka was starting to crackle, "You're right. Court is adjourned!"
Gabranth, in a feat of never before displayed speed (except maybe in EX mode), disappeared through the back door.
Garland stood up and began to summon a portal, "William you and I will have a talk about this later."
"Sure thing," he pulled Wright next to Garland, "but before I forget."
He dashed towards Kefka, pulled the music player out of his pocket, and jumped back into the portal as it was closing.
Mr. Ambersons, on the other hand, was still waving at Kefka's face.
"Yohoo! Are you in there! Oi!" he exhales deeply, "what a useless little-"
Suddenly the door burst open and Death strolled in looking ready for business.
"Ah Mr. Ambersons. There you are."
"Huh? Who the hell are you? And what the hell do you want?"
"Just here to tell you," Death held up another list, "your name's on my list again. This is a record you know."
"Huh? What the hell do you-" he was interrupted by a hand grabbing his face and turning it to the side.
"Hello there..."
This was followed by an explosion that leveled half the courthouse.
At the bar.
"Now if you're all wondering why I gathered you all here tonight," Jecht was saying while standing on his counter, "ot would be because we're here to celebrate the return of one of my good friends."
He lifted a shot of vodka, "Please join me in (re)welcoming...Kefka Palazzo!"
The bar erupted in cheers while the person in question picked his nose.
He pulled out some snot and showed it to Mateus, "Does this look radioactive to you?"
"Of course it does. It came out of your-ARRGH!" Kefka smeared it on Mateus.
"He certainly is back, " Ultimecia muttered, "Are you sure you're okay now Exdeath?"
"Yes," Exdeath, dressed in a pinstripe suit replied calmly, "In fact I'm ready to return to my...'businesses'"
"What is with the hesitation?"
"In would be most...unfortunate if you inquire as to the nature of my business at the present time."
Jecht leaned over, "Is it illegal?"
"Oh come now! I run a perfectly legal business that absolutely does not have a seemingly legal front in the form of bakeries."
Jecht and Ultimecia stared at him in silence.
"It would be most...unwise of you not to believe me," Exdeath stood up, "And on that note. I am off."
He walked out of the bar while chatting away on a black cellphone.
"That denial was suspiciously specific wasn't it Jecht?"
He shrugged, "Now that you mention it, I did notice him monkeying around in a few bakeries. Maybe he has a monopoly on the pastry business?"
"Golbez also has a bakery."
"Maybe they're competitors. And on a side note, he does?"
Before they could inquire, Garland appeared dressed in a black lab coat.
"Sorry I'm late guys. Just had to seal the deal on the lab I was buying."
"Have a drink then," Jecht slid him a mug.
"Thanks," he downed it and moved over to Kefka.
"Hey you got a minute?"
"Minute. Hour. Day. Year. I've got all the time in the world."
"Good," he took a seat, "To celebrate your return to our ranks, I have an offer for you."
"Lay it on me."
"How would you like to be my lab ra- er I mean, my lab assistant?"
"You were planning on saying lab rat weren't you?"
"...No."
"And you're planning on using me in all sorts of illegal experiments that probably involve genetics and the likes."
"...No."
"I have just one question: Does it pay?"
"...Only if we make a profit."
"I'm in."
"Might I ask why?"
"Sounds fun."
Garland grinned and extended a hand, "Good call."