AN: I wrote about 8000 words of this chapter and then went back and deleted the whole thing and started from scratch because I found that it wasn't in synch with the rest of the chapters, nor the voice I have given the protagonists. I got stuck in the conundrum of writing as to not offend, rather than as to stay true to the story. When I wrote the last chapter, it was supposed to cause readers to pause. It blurs lines, it makes you think 'what's right?' 'what's wrong?' If it upset you...made you think...made you stop and think..then I succeeded.
Chapter 21 – Deserved
Tobias's POV:
I know I'm awake but I'm trying desperately to hold onto my dream: I am holding Tris in my arms, our feet tangled beneath the blanket, I can feel her hair brushing my nose as I breathe in and out. She arches her back and takes my hand, lacing our fingers so mine are covering hers and bringing them up to cradle them both to her chest. I can feel the valley between her breasts as I tighten my grip fitting the fronts of my knees closer to the backs of hers. I know I can't hold on long because I'm not used to this dream shit. Sitting up like I got struck by lightning is more my style. Time to wake up to my real life version of a nightmare.
I sit up quickly, swinging my legs onto the floor as something particularly heavy blocks my way. I push it out of the way annoyed at whatever if was as I try to navigate my brain out of the purgatory between sleep and wake. A thud and a groaning noise is all I hear as I shake my head trying to clear it. I reach over to the table fumbling for the window shade remote. What the hell is happening? I finally find it and open them pressing the button several unnecessary times.
"Tobias…..you have to stop doing that shit…." says a very very welcome whiny voice. A small body lies face down on the hard floor right between the coffee table and the couch.
"Jesus…Tris? When did you….? Shit, here…." I babble as I try to help her up.
She looks insane with her hair in serious knots. She's never gonna get that shit out. Insane but nonetheless beautiful as she rubs the shoulder that she landed on while I sit her back down. Then it registers that I pushed her off the couch. What was she doing there anyway? So apparently I wasn't having the best dream ever…I was having the best reality ever….
"Fuck, are you okay? I can't believe you were….when did you come out here? Why did you come out here?"
"Is there a 'sorry for pushing you off the couch' somewhere in there?" she asks with as wide of eyes as her beautiful blues can accomplish at whatever the hell time it is.
"Yes."
She looks at me expectantly.
"I mean…yes…I'm sorry…really sorry."
Then I feel a totally unexpected slap across my face.
"You don't get to just sleep on the couch Tobias!"
I'm stunned into silence covering my stinging cheek with my hand as she storms into the kitchen. I'm so fucking confused…. Returning with two glasses of water, she forces one into my hand. Does she even know she does nice things for me when she's pissed?
"Third time in a week," I say to myself. I think I may have Zeke beat for that record.
I set the water on the table and cross my arms leaning back on the couch in stubborn defiance.
"It's water Tobias…drink it!"
She should be mad at me…but not for sleeping on the damned couch! She is not going to win this impending argument. I need to make her understand.
"Why would you want me to sleep in the same bed as you?...and that fucking hurt!"
"Good! Because it hurt when I woke up and you…weren't…there!" She points to the bedroom enunciating the last words.
"I was giving you….I don't know….space!"
"You think I want space from you? What makes you think that I ever want space from you?!"
"Jesus Christ Tris…I treated you like—"
"Like what?" she challenges, crossing her arms.
"Fuck…don't make me say it," I moan holding my head in my hands.
"No. Tell me."
"No."
"Tell me!"
"I treated you like him… like Eric!" There…I said it…it's out there.
"No you didn't!" I knew she would say that! "Do you think he would have done half of the things you did to help me? Do you think he would have washed vomit out of my hair? And held me while I cried in the shower? And by the way fuck you for not wanting to touch me—"
"That's exactly what I did God damnit! I fucked you! I screwed the hell out of you! And you know what? I didn't care enough to even think twice. Did that feel good to you?!"
"I—"
"Did you like it?" I ask standing up now.
She doesn't respond, nor does she look at me.
"Did you fucking like it?!" I yell.
"No," she chokes out. Good.
"Cause I sure as hell did! Tris…I fucking forgot you were even there." Not exactly true. "I treated you like any other girl I've fucked in the past! I didn't give a shit about you!" Why are you saying this?
"Thanks for the visual!" she yells right back at me through tears. "Cause I needed more of that shit! It's bad enough I have a clear image of you and Nita—"
"Yep! I fucked her just like I fucked you." Jesus Tobias….you are truly a piece of work.
Her bottom lip is shaking until she captures it in her teeth. I'm staring at her as she stares right back. That should have been like a knife to the gut for her, but she looks shockingly….relieved. She fucking sees right through me…I was too obvious.
"Just…like…her?" she seethes with now clenched teeth. Nope…not like her…not at all.
I don't answer even though everything I just said is total bullshit. I didn't fuck her just like any other girl. I wanted to consume myself in her….I know right where I went wrong: when I tried to push all memories and thoughts aside.
"You equate…me…to her?"
"Don't put words in my mouth," I snap.
"Or any other girl? I was just like them?"
"No…you weren't like them. I treated you—"
"Why?"
"Why what?!" I ask throwing my hands up in the air.
"Why did you treat me…like them?" She looks away closing her eyes as if trying to will away the visual of me with other women.
"I don't know," I growl.
"Yes….you do….and so do I….but I'm not the one who should explain it!" she asserts very very loudly while poking me in the chest hard.
I cross my arms and turn my body away from her walking slowly to the sliding glass door. I hate this fucking view.
"Were you upset that Eric was the one who told me I wasn't any good in bed?" she demands with attitude.
I have to swallow the bile that's building up even thinking about him.
"That didn't bother you?! Didn't phase you?! Tobias….if you shut down on me I will leave!"
I stop and lean my forehead against the cool door trying to regain my thoughts. "Don't leave….just give me….a minute." It's in my head….form words! Make words! Any language will do right now!
After however long Tris states, "Times up Tobias, now—"
"I hate him…And the fact that he said that to you…or that he did….anything to you…"
She nods her head…I think…I can only see her out of the corner of my eye as I turn my head.
"But I didn't want to treat you like you're weak."
I look back out the window at my shitty view. This the part where she starts making excuses for my behavior.
"So you used me as a distraction instead….like killing two birds with one stone: I don't feel like an invalid and you can stop thinking about Eric."
I close my eyes not expecting her to word it that way. It still sounds awful, but it sounds real and not as totally abhorrent as it had been playing out in my brain.
"I didn't mean for it….to be like that…"
"I know that you idiot!"
I turn and look at her as she walks in a small circle.
"This is so stupid!" she says as she covers her forehead with the palm of her hand. "This whole thing could have been avoided if we had just talked to each other…..but we're both too god-damned stubborn…at least you are!"
I glare at the implication that I am more stubborn than she is.
"You weren't exactly in the 'talking' place Tris! And I don't blame you….I pushed too hard and I pretty much feel like I forced myself—"
"What?!" That's her explosive face.
"Um….forced myself on…you?"
"Really?! Is that a damned joke?!" she shouts coming toward me. "Do you think I don't know what that feels like? You don't think I wouldn't have stopped you—"
"No I don't think you would have!"
I'm pretty sure that one hurt, but I meant it. I know deep down I would never ever force myself her. But, if that ever was her interpretation…I truly don't think she would stop things from getting too far. Last night was proof from my point of view.
She opens her mouth like she's about to let the gates of hell open and it makes me want to curl up in a ball and roll myself out onto the balcony. But she says nothing. I realize I had been closing my eyes so I peak at her with one eye and see that she is biting her bottom lip and tapping her foot incessantly on the floor.
"You're right." That looked like it hurt.
"Huh?"
"Jesus….really? I have to say it twice? I was watching you and thinking about how I was feeling so disconnected from you. The thought crossed my mind that I should stop you…but I didn't…and I should have."
"I would have stopped…I swear to God I—"
"Yeah, yeah…I know! Can we both take ownership here? This is exhausting! And can we please talk instead of scream? Don't get me wrong you're really sexy when your trying to pull your hair out but—"
"Please don't joke right now," I say running my hands through my hair as she guides me to sit on the couch.
"Tobias?...Tobias! Look at me," she says as she grabs my chin, making me look at her. "I have something I need to say."
"Hmm."
"I asked too much of you. I expected you to take on this….information…and made you promise to not treat me differently….That was so wrong. Tobias, nothing you did was out of malice…right?"
I don't answer.
"When you were carrying me to your bed what were you thinking?"
"I don't know…." I whine putting my head in my hands again.
"Were you thinking, 'I'm going to fuck this girl just like every other?'"
"God…no," I say throwing my torso onto the back of the couch running my hand over my face.
"Then tell me….Tobias, please? It's important."
She lies down on the couch with her legs over my lap, resting her head on a throw pillow, not looking particularly comfortable but waiting patiently for my response nonetheless. I breathe in and out trying to reflect on what the hell was going through my mind.
"….that son of a bitch told her that…made the strongest person I know feel inferior… I won't make her feel that ever again."
"I was thinking that he made you feel inferior…and you…just fucking aren't…I told myself I won't make you feel like that…ever."
She pulls me down next to her and I resist for a moment knowing full well that my resistance is futile. Relinquishing control I lie facing her, by back to the back of the couch, so our bodies are flush with each other. Then taking my arm, she puts it around her waist and I instinctively pull her close to me.
"Okay. Then after you laid me on the bed, you were holding onto me for dear life. What were you thinking?"
"I set her on the bed quickly and cover her lithe form with my own feeding a need in myself that can only be sated by feeling her body on mine. I want to consume myself with everything her as I pull her to me trying to concentrate on how her lips feel on mine."
"I just….wanted you…close to me," I say shaking my head because when I say it out loud it make me sound like a total pussy. But apparently not to her. "I wanted to be with you…to hold you close…to do everything he never did."
"But then I wasn't….close anymore…right?" she coaxes quietly while drawing circles on my chest.
I shake my head and purse my lips ready to think about the worst.
"She would hate it if I were to…what? Go slow? What is the right thing to do? God she feels unreal but what if she is thinking about him right now. Do not throw up in your mouth! Would she not want me to go harder and faster? Or would she want me to so she gets over a bad memory? Just…do it!"
"I was worried about how to….what if something I did would…shit, I don't know…"
Vocalization is proving exceedingly difficult.
"Then I became your distraction…like any other girl…right?"
Then I think about the absolute worst:
Stop thinking about that! That is not what she would want! Get over yourself and fuck your girlfriend! No…That is not what you do. You do not just fuck her. Her arms are around me but all of a sudden I can't look in her eyes because can't believe what just went through my mind. We are moving together in a rhythm…but something is off. Ignore it…ignore it…it still feels great. There's that damned word again! Fuck….but it's true. Did she have 'great' sex with him….damnit….Just have sex with her…put that bullshit aside! Just have sex with this chick like you've always done and shut out the world…"
"Yes...and that is so not okay."
She clears her throat probably hating the idea that I felt that way about her. But eventually she does respond.
"You're right. It's not."
Her blatant honesty…sucks.
"Tobias, the look on your face when you realized it….men who force themselves on women don't look like that. Don't get me wrong I had some mixed emotions…the words 'blow up doll' may have crossed my mind…"
I pause and think about that for a second. "If they make 'Tris' blow-up dolls then I am in…. because those nights that you work late…."
She doesn't respond. Fuck…too soon? Then she starts laughing….really hard.
"Good God….having these conversations is draining….I needed that so bad….I would totally buy a 'Tobias' blow-up doll. Based on your performance this morning...it may be a better alternative." Too soon! I hate that I didn't….just….damnit!
"Fuck. I will make it right…and I'm not talking about sex. I…this whole thing is bigger than that."
She nods her head in agreement. Good…I said something right…and I meant it.
"Can I ask you something?" I implore not sure if I want to know her answer.
"Mmm hmm."
"I ripped your underwear off and…I can't even begin to tell you how sorry—"
"You think that bothered me?" No question necessary apparently.
"You hurled yourself into the bathroom and…hurled."
Stifling a brief laugh she admits seriously, "That was from a memory I would rather forget…and now I do have one to replace it with. Not an ideal one…so you'll have to make up for that sometime."
"I can….absolutely do that. But not to your red ones…those are my favorites," I joke holding her close. "Good memories with those panties. So warn me or something…okay?"
"Okay," she giggles and I know exactly what she's thinking about: Jeep Liberties.
We stop talking for a minute until she asks, "Did you hold my hair back...when I was-"
I nod my head.
"You would do the same for me," I whisper as we both laugh. "But then I tried to lay you on the bathroom floor…but I dropped you."
"Yeah…pretty sure I felt that," she says as she sweetly kisses the indentation between my clavicles. "Then what did you do?"
"I held an ice pack to your head."
"What else?"
"Um…."
"Tobias…it's just you and I here. What…else?"
"I…laid on the floor with you. And I didn't answer you right away just now because…well… I felt like I didn't have the right to...lay there with you." I pause for a moment. "You're going to hate this but, I wondered if that was what he did: treated you like…how he did…and then tried to…I don't know…comfort you. The thought crossed my mind that that was why…why you stayed with him."
I scrunch my face waiting for the repercussions of that admission. I can feel her stiffen slightly, but I gently kiss her forehead and she immediately relaxes.
"I don't know why I stayed."
I'm about to say another thing I think she will hate…because I know I would..scratch that..I know I do.
"Sometime you are going to have to address that issue…and maybe a few others…."
She hears me but doesn't respond. She knows what I'm insinuating.
"Ditto," she retorts. Fuck!
Brief deflection…"You remember the bathroom floor? You didn't seem exactly coherent—"
"I always know when you're near. It sounds weird, I know."
"Nope…not weird," I say as I kiss her forehead, which I can't seem to stop doing right now. "Can I ask you something?"
"Mmm hmm."
"You said my bathroom floor was better….what did that mean?"
"Better than Eric's."
I swallow hard not wanting her to sense my discomfort even though I already pretty much knew her answer.
"Hey, it's okay to not be okay with that. Don't hide it from me. No more hiding things."
"I wasn't trying to—"
"You literally tried to swallow your reaction. You hit me in the face with your adam's apple."
I laugh through my nose at that image.
"I guess I don't want you to see my reactions because I'm afraid you will stop telling me…things."
She sighs and I can feel her warm breath on my neck.
"Can we please stop underestimating each other?"
"I'll do my best. I can't help wanting to protect you from things that may hurt you though. I have a tendency to want to shelter you…even from me."
"Well stop it."
"You're so damned bossy…" I sigh out.
"Well…the thing is…I needed you this morning…you 'sheltering' me from you really sucked when I woke up."
"Yeah. I felt that…on my face."
"Sorry…." she says sweetly even though I can feel her smiling against my neck.
"When I woke up and you were on the couch with me…I thought I was dreaming….Fuck...I'm the sappiest bastard ever…"
"Your secret's safe with me….and you definitely aren't…ask…well, anyone." True.
We lay there for however long. She moves her knee in between my legs as I run my hands up and down her spine, giving her soft kisses on her head ever so often.
When I think she's drifted off and I'm about to she asks, "Why wouldn't you…touch me…in the shower?" She clears her throat before continuing, "And then you were in your damned boxers…"
It seems like she has been thinking how to word that question for quite some time. My answer is easy and straightforward.
"I didn't want to scare you anymore than you already were. And Tris…with you…being intimate…yes, I said intimate…is something I feel I should earn…it shouldn't be assumed. I felt like I didn't deserve that…at that time."
"And now? Do you think you deserve it?"
"Not yet."
Tris's POV:
I wake up in Tobias's arms and they are around me tighter then usual. That's probably what woke me. That and my bladder feels like it's going to explode and I'm parched. I reluctantly disentangle myself from him and go to the kitchen to grab a glass of water.
"Friggin' starving," I say to myself as I look at the clock on his microwave. 8:00 pm. Jesus we're going to be up all night...assuming I'm staying here tonight.
Tobias has it in his head that he now has to earn back his sexual privileges. He probably thinks he'll be tempted if I stay here or if he stays at my place, so I have a feeling that won't be happening. I sigh loudly at the thought. Part of me feels like it's a step back, but a bigger part of me feels like it's a step forward in a way. We talked until we both fell asleep…
We decided to tell each other about some of the good experiences of our youth. He spent a lot of time at the lake, went to summer camps; with Marcus's approval of course. That's where he met Zeke and Uriah. He played LaCrosse and soccer in high school. Sexy as hell. Aside from sports, he hated school. It was a private school and apparently the kids were assholes.
I asked him if that was the pot calling the kettle black. He didn't love that comment. Oops. I know he recognize how he comes across…even if it isn't an accurate depiction of him deep down. He reserves that side for certain people.
He had a lot of good memories with the Pedrads. Hana Pedrad, I found out, was a close friend of Tobias's mother, whose name I learned was Evelyn. Marcus hated that of course and when he found out they were spending time together he hit Evelyn across the face and pinned her arm behind her back right in front of seven-year-old Tobias, forbidding her from "associating with lower class gutter trash."
The look on Tobias's face was heart wrenching, hearing it from his perspective, which is that of a seven year old:
"It's the only time he hit her in front of me. It's kind of fuzzy but I remember coming home from Zeke's and I had ice cream on my shirt. Maybe he knew we were at the Pedrads'….I don't know. Now that I can put a word with it…the look on his face was rage. All I remember is rage on my Fath- Marcus's face and I thought he was going to hit me. I remember hoping he would, for once, hit me. I pictured my mom running out the door. That's how dumb I was…I actually thought my mother would run away to save herself if Marcus went after me... Anyway, I opened my eyes as my mother was trying to regain her balance before he wrenched her arm behind her back. I didn't see him hit her, but I heard it and that's worse. The things I heard….fuck Tris…that's all I have are sounds. I embody the idea of "imagination running away with you."
I down the entire glass of water and wipe my eyes. Tobias would hate it if he saw me cry for him…even if it is for young Tobias. He's still a part of him.
Trying not to think of seven-year-old Tobias makes me think of 20-year-old me. The subject did come up of where I was the other day when I went AWOL...
Flashback:
"Okay, now that you've officially insulted me….not that you weren't right, you either owe me an apology or another story," Tobias explains as we sit up on his bed with the TV on mute.
We tried to watch a movie but he said my nakedness under his shirt was causing him physical pain so I put it on mute and put my running shorts back on before crawling back up on his bed.
"I would much rather tell you a story than apologize for being right," I say with certainty.
"We'll see about that….by the way you going commando…still not helping…." he comments dryly crossing his arms and clearing his voice.
He stares off probably remembering the reason it's necessary. I don't know what else I can say to him about that. He didn't set me off, the memory of Eric did. On a messed up level I'm thankful Tobias tore my underwear because now at least when I think of ripped panties, I can remember this situation, which still sucks but it isn't torture. And at the moment he ripped them, I didn't even care. I was too caught up in thinking about what he was thinking. He still doesn't believe me though.
"Tobias—"
"So back to that story," he deviates while running his hands through his hair. "When your prick of a boyfriend left you on a fire escape to freeze to death, where did you go the next day?"
Oh yeah that. I close my eyes and take a breath. "I went home….not really home….but Kittridge. I went to Kittridge."
"Okay….why?" he inquires staring at me intensely.
"I needed to see Susan….and I'd never been back to my parents' grave site since the day of the funeral," I admit while carelessly playing with the corner of the bed pillow.
"Okay…am I allowed to ask questions?"
"Yes….Tobias….please just…you can always ask me questions. Sometimes it may take me awhile to answer…but I will…answer them."
It frustrates me that he even has to ask me that question...but on the same token I understand. There is seriously something wrong with me!
"Why didn't you just call Susan? I mean I don't think it's bad you went back…I just wish you hadn't gone…alone. It's my—"
"But I did," I retort before taking a deep breath. "I needed to look her in the eyes and find out why….they all…." Why can't I finish that sentence?
"Did you? Did she tell you?"
"From what I could get out of her, none of them knew the extent of it. Apparently my mom was going to do something, but then Eric went on hiatus…so they thought…..they thought it stopped."
"What the fuck does 'went on hiatus' mean?" he asks venomously.
We are sitting indian-style on the bed with our hands almost touching. I look up at him but he doesn't try to meet my gaze. I know his tone wasn't directed at me, but I still hate it.
"He stopped…for about a month he…stopped."
"Tris? Are you okay? Do you want to take a break—"
"No."
I look down at my hands and notice they are shaking. I'm nervous to tell him the reason Eric did stop.
"Did you get to the part in my journal where I got pregnant?" I blurt out.
He shakes his head no, still not making eye contact.
"Well…I did….I didn't tell him….he found out because he heard me talking on the phone to Susan about it."
Tobias clears his throat and looks at me with sad eyes, but not surprised eyes and interjects before I can say anything else. "I didn't initially get to that part, but I went to your place the next morning. Christina…said you'd want me to know…she said you never talk about it with her, so maybe you would with me. I honestly didn't think I'd get the chance," he confesses as he takes my fingers in his.
I nod my head in agreement with Christina's decision. A twinge of happiness also hits me with the new found knowledge that Tobias did come back the next day.
"But she only showed me one passage….it was the one where he threw you down…the…stairs…and then you found out you…miscarried."
Those words probably tasted like pain coming out of his mouth.
"Yeah, well they don't really call it that when you're 20 weeks along. By then, it's a still birth."
The color drains out of his olive complexioned face. I know why: in my journal I referred to it as a miscarriage because it was easier for me to distance myself. I didn't physically have to write the word 'birth.' This is brand new information for him. He stays shockingly silent.
"Eric lost it when he found out….he said I betrayed him…accused me of wanting to keep his kid away from him…Then it was like a switch flipped inside him…he accused me of cheating because 'why would I hide a kid from him unless it wasn't his?' He was out of his mind drunk and…"
"How did he not know?" he asks bluntly. "How could he not….? I don't know how to word this—"
"He never saw me….without—"
"Never?"
"It wasn't a necessity."
The awkward look of pain and relief crosses his face knowing that Eric never laid his sleazy eyes on me fully nude but also infuriated at the lack of respect. In Eric's case it was a mix of both, I never felt comfortable being naked in front of him and he never seemed to care…consensual sex or not.
"Hmmph."
"So I woke up bleeding profusely the next morning…"
I hear Tobias whisper some profanities so quietly that I have no idea what he said. I pause briefly to appraise him…he wants to say something….but he doesn't.
"I knew what had happened…I think I knew it the minute I became conscious—"
"Jesus, Tris."
"Are you—"
"Am I what!?" he says running his hands down his face in pure exasperation at my impending question.
"Okay?"
"Oh my God…." He looks at me with an incredulous stare. "Come here." Keeping his hands in mine he lays us on the pillows. "Wait…this one's mine," he declares making me lift my head so he can have the one I slept on last night. He gives me a small shy smirk.
"That is better," I say as I enjoy my 'Tobias' pillow.
"It certainly is."
Grabbing my right hand with his left he prompts me to go on. I nod my head and take a moment to remember where I left off.
"I had Susan take me to the ER in the next town over and turns out….the placenta detached….." And there it is….countdown until I lose it. "The doctor gave me the choice to have a D & E, you don't even want to know what that stands for, or to actually deliver..."
"Like….go into…."
"Labor."
He tucks a stray stand of hair behind my ear as he shakes his head. He trails his fingers down my cheek as if he is ready to catch the tears that he knows are going to fall.
"I couldn't do that…I didn't want to see it….him. Tobias….I didn't even cry…..I…" the inevitable tears of shame come out in full force. "I didn't want him."
"It's okay….baby…it's okay. You were in an…impossible—"
"No it wasn't…it wasn't impossible…I made it….I did it."
He breathes out a frustrated breath between clenched teeth but he knows there is no changing my mind.
"I didn't figure out until I left the hospital that I did…love him…Jesus Tobias I took him home in a fucking shoe box…in a backpack…like used gym shoes!"
"Tris…."
He pulls me into him as I sob for the second time this week in grievance over the baby boy that I didn't want, yet loved nonetheless.
Time passes and I calm down a little while he idly he runs his fingers over my forehead and plays with the fly away strands of my hair. I wonder if he even knows he does things like that.
"You don't have to answer this…..but….what did you do with….with the baby—"
"Timothy…I named him…Timothy." I take a deep breath for what feels like the hundredth time. "I buried him…by my parents' graves….the first time I told him I love him was…yesterday—"
"I should've been there….I am….fuck…"
"I needed to do that by myself…so no you shouldn't have."
And now he knows…..everything.
"I love you," he affirms quickly because there is nothing else to say.
"I love you, too."
End Flashback.
"Good morning, beautiful….well, it's not really morning but…" murmurs a soft deep voice in my ear as I then feel warm lips trail down my neck, while strong arms wrap around my waist. Loss…of….speech….imminent. "What's on your mind…I swear I've been watching you for like five minutes and you haven't moved."
Tobias turns me around to face him and walks himself backward with me in tow to lean on the counter.
"Nothing….just, nothing."
"That's your I'm-not-going-to-tell-you-what-I'm-thinking' face….fine…"
He drops his hands and starts to walk away and just when he's out of arms reach and I feel a huge void he grabs my wrist and pulls me into him tickling my sides as I squeak and laugh like a two-year-old.
"Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!" I scream while laughing and trying to escape an iron grip rear bear hug.
I hate being tickled but I can't stop squealing like a pig. Shit!
"Okay fine! Please please stop!"
"Tell me then," he says with his lips suddenly resting on my exposed shoulder.
"I was just thinking about our conversation earlier, about the bab-…Timothy and….that's it…that really is it."
"Okay," he says resting his chin now on my shoulder with his hands on my hips. "I know we kind of moved off topic quickly after that so I didn't get the chance to thank you for telling me."
"You're welcome. It felt good…Thank you for telling me about your mom…."
"You're welcome. It felt good."
I laugh at his lack of creativity of response.
"Beatrice Prior?" He states my full name like a question. What the…..
"Did you really just call me that?" I demand craning my neck to look at his amused face.
"Yes."
"Okay….yes Tobias James Eaton?"
"What the hell?! You one-upped me! How do you know my middle name?"
"Al saw it on your driver's license and tried a pathetic attempt to make fun of your perfectly normal middle name to me."
"How did he even try to accomplish that—"
"How did you know my full name? I've never told you!" I think that came out more nervous than I thought.
"The night you fainted on the dance floor," he explains, resting his chin on my shoulder again, playing with my fingers. "Christina yelled out your full name. I pay attention…..at least I used to think I paid attention—"
I cover my face with my hands and ask him in a begging voice, "Please stop bringing that up. We have to move on from that….please?"
He pulls my hands down from my face.
"Okay, I'll try." Yeah right.
Moving on….yuck, why the Beatrice?"
"I was just trying it out. I wanted to sound formal because I have a formal question for you."
"Really? Oooookay…."
"Beatrice….?" He lingers on the last syllable implying I need to fill in the blanks.
"Natalie."
"Beatrice Natalie Prior….will you go on a date with me tonight?"
I laugh out loud at his ridiculous formality. "Why yes…I would love to….but…"
"But what?!"
"Well…we'd have to go back to my place because I have nothing to wear and it's already 8:15….What did you have in mind anyway?"
"Plenty of time….and I was thinking we just do something fun…maybe not an official date—"
"I hate those."
"Thank God! Let's go to your place and then head to the pier…We can get a quick bite and…..well, do you like games….?" Hell yes!
"Yes! I'm competitive by nature," I say matter-of-factly.
"As am I….this could be epic or a deal breaker….we may no longer be a couple by the end of the night…." He spins me to face him as his hands migrate to my butt.
"That would make me…very sad," I say with a fake pouty lip. "You'll just have to let me win!" I exclaim jumping up and wrapping my legs around his waist.
"Not a chance!" he grunts out catching me and sweetly capturing my neck with his lips. "You would hate it anyway," he continues as he turns and sets me on the counter moving his lips lightly to mine.
God…his lips! "That's true…." I briefly get out before I move my lips in a rhythm with his for several pleasurable moments. "So….I'll just have to kick your ass fair and square—"
"Yeah okay—"
"But what to do with your poor bruised ego?"
"Nothing…because there will be no injuries to my admittedly huge ego. At least not when it comes to games…"
"You know you should have a huge ego about other things," I say as I run my index finger on the outside of his boxers over his almost immediate arousal at my light touch.
"Yeah…you said something about that…when was it?...Not important…what was it exactly? It's on the tip of my tongue…."
"The tip of your tongue? Really?"
I grab the sides of his face surprising him and giving him a huge passionate French kiss. It was meant to be funny, but it quickly moves beyond humor. Returning the passion, Tobias fists the back of my hair pulling me closer to him while snaking his other arm around my lower back. But as quickly as he was in my arms, he pulls away equally so.
"Mmmm…if you were aiming for the tip of my tongue…you seriously missed," he jokes even though I know he's deflecting.
He's been all about the loving caresses, which are amazing….but beyond that…nothing. I know why and I am trying with all of my might for it to not bother me.
"I think I hit the bulls-eye but okay," I say sighing loudly and hopping off the counter with annoyance.
"Tris…."
"It's fine," I say flatly just realizing I still haven't gone to the bathroom. I walk there quickly and shut the door behind me to relieve my bladder trying not to picture the events of last night that played out right in this spot. When I'm done I quickly get up and sigh. Moving on. I hear Tobias swear under his breath and I can just picture him running his hands through his hair. He does that when he doesn't know what the hell do to. It's like an adorable problem-solving mechanism. It makes his dark brown hair stand up straight and it's so cute.
Speaking of hair… I am now looking at myself in the mirror and…
"Tobias James Eaton!" I yell throwing the bathroom door open.
"What?! You can't just call me that anytime you know—"
"My hair!"
"What? I….like it!" he says laughing under his breath.
"How long have I looked like a belong in an asylum?!"
"Not that long," he says shrugging as I smack him on the arm. "Ouch! Stop slapping me…you have deceivingly strong hands," he proclaims grabbing my wrist and pulling me to him.
"So you've implied," I say raising my eyebrows insinuatingly. I know he won't take the bait. "Anyway…you can't just let me…!"
"Let you what? Look like you? You have crazy hair in the mornings….or evenings it turns out…." I roll my eyes as he kisses me softly on the lips. "It's endearing and I love it," he say smoothing my hair down my back and tucking it behind my ears. "I love you," he whispers against my lips as he kisses me a little deeper. I sigh and return the kiss even though I know I want more than just a kiss. He pulls away too quickly again.
"I'm sorry….I didn't exactly brush your hair last night and I sort of didn't think to buy conditioner," he admits sheepishly. "But….."
He takes two long strides past me into the bathroom and opens the drawer that had the extra toothbrush in it and pulls out a hair brush.
"Although it was incredibly entertaining watching you try to get the tangles out of your gorgeous mane the other morning—"
"Mane?"
"Fine….you're gorgeous thick wavy locks."
"Better."
"It looked painful so…."
He hands me the hair brush.
"Thank you," I say quietly remembering how he lovingly washed my hair last night in the shower with the shampoo he bought for me as well.
"Mmm hmm," he brushes the backside of his knuckles down my cheek bone as he captures my glancing eyes in his own. He gives me a small closed mouth smile that actually does reach his eyes. Sometimes it's the little things that say the most…..
Tell me what you think everyone!