Things I Cannot Do in Amity Park
#33) I am forbidden from implying strange things regarding my relationship with Vlad Masters, if only for the continued health and sanity of one Edward Lancer.
o.O.o.O.o.O.o
Danny stared down at the five-year-old clutching his leg. When he tilted his head to the left, the small being copied him, eyes wide and full of wonder. "Why is there a child here?" he asked, confused and very concerned at the sight of a toddler in the doorway of his English class.
"Sorry, Mr. Fenton," Lancer sighed, rushing over to pull the kid away. "He's my nephew and my sister is out of town."
Danny looked up, horrified. "Wait, you actually have a sister? I thought that was just a picture of you in a dress."
Placing his nephew on his hip, the teacher raised an eyebrow at his student. "That was just a picture of me in a dress."
"Wow," Danny said, placing a hand over his heart. "And to think I trusted you."
"Trust me, things would have been weirder if you actually saw what my sister looked like."
Dash, who was sitting in the seat near the front of the class, made a face. "Does that mean she's pretty or looks even worse than seeing my overweight teacher in a dress?"
Danny's eyes went wide. "There are some things I really don't need to know the answer to."
The bell rang and Lancer took his place at the front of the class quickly. "Daniel," he announced sternly, making sure his face was serious when all his students turned to face him. Their teacher's eyes were pinched as he hugged his nephew protectively. "No pranks."
The teenager was about to protest when Lancer cut him off. "No bombs, no ghost tours, no unexplainable intangibility accidents, no sex changes, no parties, no fake illnesses, no streaking through the goddamn teacher's lounge-"
"-I was wearing underwear!-"
"-and for God's sake, just have a normal school day for once."
"Is that even possible in Amity Park?" Dash whispered to Paulina. She shook her head, knowing weird was inevitable here.
Danny looked very upset, honestly crushed in the eyes of his classmates and teacher. (In the background, Sam and Tucker were snickering). "What if I don't do any of that and swear it'll be safe?"
Lancer's eyes squinted at the angelic appearance of his student. "No."
The youngest son of the Fenton's sighed dramatically, but knew there was no getting around this. "I guess I'll just have to wait until tomorrow to continue my plans. Oh, what a cruel existence this is."
His classmates almost felt sad that today would be normal. They'd gotten so used to wondering what Danny would be up to that they probably would still be waiting until the end of school for the other shoe to drop.
"I appreciate it, Daniel, thank you," Lancer said, relaxing and allowing his nephew to stand on his own again now that the threat of danger had passed. "Now we can begin class."
The period went fairly well, and surprisingly, Danny behaved. The sad thing was Edward Lancer seriously underestimated one Daniel Fenton's ability to disrupt the natural order of things, even if it didn't technically involve a prank.
o.O.o.O.o.O.o
During the last ten minutes before the bell, Lancer's nephew got antsy.
"Go!" he cried, pointing at the door. "I want to get a banana!"
Every adult that had to deal with a toddler at any given point in their life knew what was about to happen. In the process of finishing drawing on the board for his students to copy, Lancer groaned. "Oh no, here it comes."
The child pounded his little fists against the classroom door, screaming louder when Lancer refused to open it for him. "Snack time will be in a few minutes," Lancer tried to soothe, but the five-year-old didn't listen.
"NOOOOOOOOO!" he screamed, starting to cry and hardly caring that an entire class of teenagers was watching him throw what they believed to be the biggest tantrum in the history of tantrums. It was like the kid was being murdered or chased by a hoard of monsters that wanted to eat him. Oddly specific, but with ghosts being real it was a legitimate fear.
"Jesus!" Paulina groaned, covering her ears. "Are kids always this bad?"
"Worse!" Kwan yelled, thinking of his little sister. "Seriously worse."
Danny Fenton sat in the middle of it all, smiling. His classmates truly wondered if he just enjoyed chaos and disorder.
"Do you want to fix this or something?" Dash asked Danny who looked confused.
"Dude, I deal with ghosts, not kids. I can handle ghost kids, but humans are kind of out of my area of expertise."
"Sometimes I think you forget that you are human," Dash grumbled, still blocking his ears to drown out the child's screams. He missed the creepy grin Danny sent his way.
Pulling a lollypop out of his desk drawer, Lancer finally coaxed his nephew into waiting longer before they went to the cafeteria to grab food. The toddler sat tearfully in his Uncle's seat, suddenly very willing to listen now that he had candy. Lancer sighed exasperatedly at him and picked up the water bottle from his desk, feeling like he was losing more hair from stress than ever before.
"I am never having children," Paulina announced, white faced with her fingers still digging into her desk. "If I ever change my mind in the future, remind me of this moment so I don't make the biggest mistake of my life."
Everyone's ears were still ringing as they nodded their heads in agreement. "Even my sister doesn't scream for that long. That kid is an absolute monster," Kwan moaned, banging his head on his desk. "Seriously, how do parents handle this all the time?"
Behind them, Danny burst out laughing, drawing everyone's attention. "Ha! No way, that kid's an angel compared to what I had to deal with," he explained, rolling his eyes. "If you want to see a real tantrum, you should meet Mayor Masters and I's kid."
Lancer, who was listening to his students in the background, choked on his water.
"Now that was a real problem child. I mean, I get that you'd be upset if your whole family died and stuff, but do you really have to kill people and blow up the entire world to compensate?" Danny sighed. "I feel like we raised him better than that, he's literally half of me so it's not like I was an absent figure in his life."
Danny continued, frowning and crossing his arms. "Then again, his other half hid himself in a cave for years so I guess I can blame that asshole. And technically I never told him about Dan so Vlad doesn't even know."
He suddenly straightened and turned to Valerie, who seemed to be twitching oddly. "Can I still sue Vlad for not providing child support? I want compensation. That jerk got to hide while I had to deal with Dan's tantrum."
"Considering this occurred in a future version of an alternate dimension," Valerie deadpanned. "I'm going to say no."
"Ugh. If only I had known that giving candy to a whiny 20-something-year-old with the mind of a toddler would work. Should have tried that first rather than leaving him in a thermos to rot for the rest of his life."
The classroom was silent and then, "You left your child... in a soup can?" Dash questioned.
"That's what you're most concerned about?!" Paulina screeched.
"Just one day," Lancer muttered under his breath, petting his nephew's head in an attempt to calm himself. "All I asked for was one day."
o.O.o.O.o.O.o
A/N: Back to back updates! Dan is a whiny toddler who needs some love and warm snuggles. Some people forget that he's literally half of Vlad and half of Danny, he's not entirely "Danny's future self."
I'm almost at 1,000 reviews! Come on, guys, I believe in you!