AN: Yeah, this is another sad chapter but I really don't write happy stuff. I try and fail each and every time. I'm sorry. I hope you enjoy this chapter, despite its ups and downs. Thank you to all those still reading and reviewing.

Chapter Twenty

Sirius withdrew from his friends for a while, he stopped going to Order meetings on the pretence of being ill and secluded himself away to read the book. He immersed himself in reading rather than confront the dark thoughts that hovered at the back of his mind when he thought of his brother, he refused to examine the hole that had been left behind when he had learnt of Regulus' death, it was better that he concentrate on trying to find a way to protect the living, now more than ever it was important to save James from death's greedy hands.

He sat on his bed, back hunched and read by candle light, half the time he was tempted to throw the book away in utter disgust. The spells and enchantments had the most awful diagrams depicting their effects and it made him sick to his stomach that someone could even contemplate doing some of them. It was a terrible, terrifying book but he still forced himself to continue reading, no matter how much it effected him. His nightmares became ever more frequent as his quest to find a way to protect his friend became ever more desperate. He knew the book had to hold something that would help, even the tiniest mention of how to help protect loved ones from death, or even ones self, perhaps such a spell could be amended to fit Sirius' purposes.

Finally, after a week of almost mind numbing terror he found what he was looking for, the word leapt out at him as the clock on his bedside table pronounced that it was midnight. Horcruxes. A way to make a person as immortal as it was possible to be. Sirius' eyes widened and he took a sharp breath before reading the chapter greedily, the spell needed several things, including a way to rip off a bit of soul. The way was to murder in cold blood. Sirius' heart sank and the book dropped from his fingers into his lap, he cursed softly and rubbed at his exhausted eyes. James would never, in a million years murder someone just because he could, it was one of the reasons Sirius loved him so much.

He stood up and stretched, yawning as he did so before moving quietly to the door of his bedroom and walking to the kitchen to make himself some tea. As the kettle boiled an idea came to him, an idea that sparked some of the same insane curiosity that had driven him to work so hard to become an Animagus, despite its obvious illegality and dangers. What if there was more than one way to split a soul? Was murder the only way to damage the soul beyond repair? Sirius thought on the issue long and hard as he added milk to his mug and stirred in a spoonful of sugar. Could Sirius possibly discover a new way to split the soul? If he did he would, perhaps, push magic further than anyone else he had ever known or heard of. The idea excited him too much, he knew that what he was considering was wrong on so many levels, he knew that if James were to ever find out their friendship would never be able to be repaired but he could no longer live in this constant state of terror. He couldn't continue to watch and wait as James put himself in harms way every day, and know that one day it would be his last. The only thing that mattered at that moment in time was that James live. James' life was far more important than Sirius' own, he would live and be happy and Sirius would share in that joy knowing his best friend was safe at last.

The next day Sirius was woken by someone banging insistently on his door, he groaned and tried to bury his head beneath his pillow but the door was kicked open mercilessly and he heard James' loud, obnoxious voice. "Right you lazy bastard! Time to get up! Up! Up! Up!" Sirius whined loudly in protest as the duvet was torn from his body and daylight assaulted his eyes, a headache began to pound behind his eyes and he muttered curses, blinking blearily as James leapt onto the bed and rolled him over onto his back.

"Fuck you James Potter and your disgusting morning person-ness." He groaned and made to grab the duvet again, James moved it away from his grasping fingers and grinned triumphantly.

"You're coming with me and getting out the house, it's a lovely day and Remus tells me he's barely seen you for a week. Up we get mate, get dressed and I'll make you eat some breakfast."

Sirius forced away the urge to smile and lifted himself up on his elbows, displaying his chest to full effect and landing a clumsy, sleepy kiss on James' lips. James grimaced and made a show of wiping his tongue. "Ugh! Brush your teeth too while you're at it, did a dog take a shit in your mouth?"

Sirius laughed, the first time he had done since he had witnessed Dorian's death, it took only a second for his laugh to change, his eyes burned suddenly and he yanked James into a tight embrace, breathing in his scent and tangling the fingers of one hand thoroughly in his jumper. "Jamie..." His voice cracked as walls he had thought he had built up fell with a resounding crash. He shivered and buried his face in James' neck, hiding away from the pain. "Regulus is dead." He choked and felt James tighten his grip on him.

"I'm sorry." James replied quietly, closing his eyes and sighing. "So that's why you've been hiding away? Why didn't you tell anyone?"

"I-I...I couldn't..." Sirius muttered, feeling traitorous tears threatening to fall, he gritted his teeth against the wave of guilty grief but the tide was too strong. "It's my fault! It's always my fault! If I hadn't left him there...if I had been nicer...or-or more like the person my parents wanted me to be, maybe...maybe I c-could have saved him b-but I was selfish! I left him there to be b-brainwashed and h-he's d-d-dead..."

"Sirius, listen to me," James pulled away and took hold of Sirius' face in his hands, he looked into his eyes with a determined frown. "None of it, not a single ounce of it, was your fault. Do you hear me? If you had stayed with your parents how long would it have been before you'd killed yourself? How many beatings, insults or whatever the hell else it was that you experienced in that place would it have taken to shatter you into a thousand pieces? Sirius, you saved yourself, you had to. Your brother would never have left with you and there's no way you could have forced him to. Do you understand?"

Sirius swallowed the lump in his throat and let James pull his head to his chest, he sighed heavily and took in James' scent in large, shuddery breaths. "He hated me to the bitter end." He whispered hoarsely.

"I don't think he did, at least, not totally." James replied, kissing the top of Sirius' head gently. Slowly Sirius opened his eyes and stared across his bedroom where his chest of draws held the book, he took another breath, this one much steadier than the previous one.

"I'm not letting anyone else I love die." He whispered, more to himself than anyone else as he gripped James' jumper tightly in one fist as if by holding on tightly enough he could prevent the inevitable death that was stalking every single living creature.

"Ok, well, Remus is making some breakfast, do you feel up to eating?" James asked, smiling as he looked down at Sirius who smiled weakly and sat up straight, releasing James with reluctance.

"Yeah, I could go for some food."

When Sirius had showered he was feeling marginally better, he stepped out of the bathroom with a towel over his head and one wrapped around his waist. He saw Remus in the kitchen cooking away and chatting merrily to James who was sprawled on the sofa with a magazine in his hands. Sirius took a moment to gaze at the scene before him, he absorbed every tiny detail, from James' laugh to Remus' inane chatter. It was a welcoming, beautiful moment and it was as if there was no war, it was as if they weren't soldiers, just three friends as they had been at school all those sunlit years ago. A smile stretched his lips and he walked forwards, alerting them to his presence as he sat down beside James, shoving his feet off of the sofa and snatching up his tea. "Hey! That's mine!"

"And now its mine." Sirius replied with a smirk, he took a sip and grimaced. "No sugar, I always forget you don't take sugar."

"I'm sweet enough." James took the tea from Sirius and pointed at the kitchen. "Yours is on the counter."

Remus appeared as if Sirius had summoned him and held out another steaming mug, which had a large black dog painted on the side. "I even put it in your favourite cup for you."

"Excellent, Moony. How would I ever live without you?" Sirius said and smiled his thanks as he took the tea and drank. "Perfect." He sighed and closed his eyes, leaning his head back against the sofa.

"James told me." Remus said softly, moving to sit down beside Sirius and putting a hand on his knee. "I'm sorry, Sirius, I really am."

Sirius opened his eyes again as pain washed over him, obliterating the contentment he had been feeling. "Yeah...so am I."

"How did you find out?" James asked.

"I..." Sirius paused, unsure how much to tell them before settling on a half truth. "My mother. I went to see her...I know, it was stupid of me but I just...I dunno, I suppose I wanted answers. Kreacher told me Reg was dead and I left. It was pretty uneventful to be honest."

"Shit." James sighed and shook his head. "Do you know how he died?"

Sirius shook his head and drank some more tea. "No. I do know that he joined the Death Eaters, I don't need to be Sherlock Holmes to work that out. He was always so weak, unable...or more likely unwilling to go against the family."

"But...does that mean that one of us...?" James asked, his eyes wide as he realised there was a good chance someone on their side had killed Sirius' brother.

Sirius said nothing, he gazed at the ceiling and ran a hand through his damp hair, dislodging the towel so that it slipped to his bare shoulders. "I don't know...I can't help but wonder...what if I..."

Remus let out a shaky breath and stood up. "I'll go and make sure breakfast doesn't burn." He said and as he passed Sirius he put a hand on his head briefly. James moved closer to Sirius' side and took his hand, they sat that way in perfect silence until Remus let them know that the food was ready. The three of them ate slowly, each immersed in their own thoughts. Every one of them knew and understood that it could easily have been one of them that had killed Regulus, it would only have taken one misplaced spell, one horrible accident and his life would have been snuffed out. It was worse when they had no idea who they were fighting until they had a chance to unmask their opponents. Finally they finished and Remus put the plates into the sink, James waved his wand and they began cleaning themselves while Sirius went to get dressed. Finally he came out wearing muggle attire, he picked up his keys and a packet of cigarettes from the side board. "Come on, let's get out of here. I have something I want to do."

James smiled and followed him out, Remus tailing them automatically. They went to pick up Peter and Lily who was to be found at her parents house as she was gathering her things in preparation to move in with James. As James explained what had happened as they walked Sirius found himself barely listening, the day was warm and he could smell summer just around the corner. He was surrounded by his best friends in all the world and he felt that perhaps living wasn't so bad, not when he felt James move to his side and their fingers entwine. Not when Lily slid her arm around his waist and rested her head on his shoulder, not when Peter began regaling them with stories of his mad Uncle who was shut up in a secure ward in St. Mungos because he had used a charm that had backfired and was now totally nuts. Remus laughed warmly when Peter described, with actions, one of his Uncle's many escapades as he attempted escapes using elaborate and highly hilarious means. Sirius felt Lily chuckle and James released his hand to leap lightly up onto a low wall, the sun was warm on their backs and they found themselves forgetting somewhat about the darkness that haunted them with every step.

They walked until they found what Sirius had been looking for, he gently disengaged himself from Lily's arms and took a deep breath. Lily looked up and saw the large, ancient graveyard. James came to an abrupt halt as his eyes landed on something in the distance. "Sirius, is that...?"

"My mum." Sirius breathed, his hands tightening into fists at his sides. "I...I was going to go and...and..." His voice faltered and he took an uneasy step back as the woman who had birthed him turned her head towards the sounds of their voices. Everything seemed to go very still, a light breeze tugged at Sirius' hair as his eyes met his mother's, she looked older than he remembered and somehow diminished, as if all her loss had sapped her of her vitality. He swallowed hard and took a step forward, he felt James' hand land on his shoulder and lips brush his ear.

"Do you want me to come?"

"No. No I'll be fine. Just wait for me here." Sirius replied, equally as softly before striding forwards, projecting a confidence he did not feel. Walburga Black was stood before an old, decrepit monument, Sirius gazed up at it as he remembered coming here as a child for some relatives funeral rites. It was a plain looking thing, covered in lichen and so worn that the words on it could barely be read, yet he knew what they said. "Toujours Pur." He muttered as he reached his mother's side.

Walburga looked at him before returning her eyes to the monument, Sirius saw that there was a single, sad looking bouquet of flowers at the bottom. He took a shaky breath and removed his wand from his pocket, without speaking he conjured his own offering and let them fall beside that of his mothers. "Do not speak those words to me, traitor." Walburga whispered, her voice as full of venom as ever.

"I don't." Sirius replied quietly, eyes remaining fixed on the words that had haunted his childhood, the source of more pain than any child should ever know.

"He died a heroes death." Walburga said, her voice cracked and broken as the wind took hold of her greying hair and whisked it out of its rough bun. "A hero. My son. My little baby boy."

Sirius said nothing, he was used to hearing his parents speak of his brother with such adoration. "How did it happen?" He asked, his voice shaking a little despite himself.

"He just disappeared one day, we never even knew what became of his body." Walburga replied in a hard, cold voice.

"But...why?" Sirius finally looked at her properly, he felt his eyes sting with unshed tears but refused to let them fall in front of this woman.

"How would I know? No one told me. Not even Bella or Cissy or-or anyone! How could they not know?! He was such a good boy! He was so precious! How could they have let this happen? I thought they would protect him!" She began to weep loudly, Sirius held out a tissue for her automatically but she pushed him away. "I do not need pity from the likes of you!" She hissed with much of her usual viciousness.

Sirius returned the tissue to his pocket and lowered his head. "I'm sorry." He whispered, speaking more to the shade of his brother than the woman stood beside him.

"You should be more than sorry! You should be the one who is lying in some forgotten ditch somewhere! It should be you who is gone from this world not your innocent little brother. This is all your fault! If you had not turned into such an ungrateful child none of this would have happened!" Her voice rose until she was almost screaming, Sirius took it all with a blank face, much as he had done when he was younger. "Oh, my poor baby! My sweet little angel! He was a good boy, he did not deserve his fate!" She began to sob and Sirius watched her coldly, his hands buried deep in his pockets. He didn't feel sympathy, he didn't feel anything much, it was as if his brother's death had numbed him to emotion. "You should leave. Leave like you did when you were sixteen, leave and never, ever come back here! Regulus would be so ashamed to know that you were even here. He does not want your grief, or your pity! He knows it is your fault he died and he will never, ever forgive you! NOW GO! GO YOU USELESS, PATHETIC CHILD! I WISH I HAD NEVER GIVEN BIRTH TO YOU! YOU ARE A CURSE! NOTHING MORE THAN A WASTE OF AIR THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN YOUR BROTHER'S!" She reached out and slapped Sirius hard across the face, he took a half step backwards and touched his burning cheek as Walburga screamed and sobbed. She fell to her knees and buried her face in her shaking, wrinkled hands. Sirius stared at her for a moment before turning and walking away, his breathing was harsh in his throat and he barely even saw his friends as they gathered at the gates of the graveyard. He stumbled a little on the small step as he exited and was caught by James. He buried his face in his neck and took deep breaths, his hands shaking violently as he choked on his grief and pain.

Remus watched quietly as James embraced Sirius, his eyes sad and understanding. Lily stood watching the woman who was Sirius' mother as certain things began to click into place, such as why he had run away when he was sixteen. She gently rolled her wand in her fingers until a hand closed on her wrist. "No need for that Evans." Sirius said in a rough voice and a weak smile. "She's got her punishment, all alone in that old house with no one for company except an old house elf. Let her rot there." He removed his hand and turned away from the graveyard. "I've just got one more place to go." He said and his friends followed him down the path.

The place turned out to be a muggle vehicle sellers. Everyone watched in numb fascination as Sirius paid a large sum of money for a large motorbike, when he walked up to his new purchase he was grinning like a mad man and had an insane glitter in his eyes as he ran his fingers over the twinkling handlebars. "This, lady and gentleman is my new baby."

"That's a Widow Maker." Lily whispered, smiling a little nervously. "Do you even know how to ride that thing?"

"How hard can it be?" Sirius flung his leg over the seat as the shop owner looked on with a doubtful expression. He flicked a switch and felt the bike come to life between his legs, excitement and pleasure shot down his spine as a grin split his face. "Oh yes, I think I'm in love!" He sighed over the noise of the engine, he revved the engine and giggled madly as it growled like a jungle cat. "Out the way I'm taking her for a spin!" He said and watched his friends scatter madly as he put the machine into gear and jumped jerkily forwards, after a second he managed to get the hang of it and began moving towards the road relatively smoothly. As he hit the tarmac he sped up, his friends watched with mouths half open as his tail light disappeared into the traffic.

"He's...he's going to die." Peter whispered, a hint of awe in his voice.

"Yeah, but I doubt he's too worried." James replied, grinning a little. "I hope he takes me out on that thing when he's got the hang of it!"

"There's a very good reason people call it a Widow Maker, James." Lily replied, smiling despite her reservations about her new husband taking a ride on the back of that monstrosity.

"He'll be fine. He's reckless but I suspect he knows more than he's letting on about motorbikes." Remus assured them all, but still he looked a little worried.

"Let's go get some food, Sirius will find us." James said, flinging his arm around Lily's shoulders and pulling her to his side for a brief kiss.