INSIDE THE PERVERTED MIND OF DOUIGE POYNTER CHAPTER 21
SUNDAY
we went on stage last night and while we were playing I was looking at all of the signs that the fans had made. Some of them were really sexy. One girl had a image of her boobs on her poster! I nearly snapped a string I hit the chord so hard. And Tom of course, was reading the signs too. This other girl had a sign that says "LICK MY PUSSY DRY!" He sang that instead of the actual lines in the song. The whole audience went silent and the rest of us stopped playing. Tom looked like he was going to pass out. Danny runs up to him and starts and starts whispering angrily in his ear. I hope that Danny teaches Tom a lesson in front of all the girls; then Tom won't be getting laid until he's at least 50. That would be such a blessing to me. Even better would be Danny not getting laid. That over-sexed moron is always on my case about the girls that I date. He gets his asshole in a bind, just because I am very selective about my women, I just don't go out and fuck anything like the other guys do. I hope that Danny gets the clap, then he can really be a sailor; after all he does swear like one.
The show ends, Tom keeping the fuckin' lyrics straight. That is quite the relief. I thought that Danny was going to blow a blood vessel he was so goddamn mad over the whole thing. I don't know why Danny got so pissed off about it; I found the whole thing rather funny. Maybe I am immature or something. Danny got all pissed off at me because I was laughing about the whole thing. You know what? Fuck Danny and everybody who looks like him. And while we are fucking people here, fuck Tom and the horse he rode in on; I've had enough of his egotistic arrogance. And for Harry, uh, fuck him in the ass with a pine cone! I don't know. I wasted all of my comic genius on the other two, so I'm out of ideas. How would you fuck someone in the ass with a pine cone? Must ask Harry if he will be willing to do it. I'll tell him its a science project.
We are in the van on the way home and Danny is sound asleep. I guess that being a obnoxious asshole is too much for him; it's not for the fainthearted. "Poor Danny, he's all tired out from the show. He really did put a show on for the fans." Harry says. Excuse me? I was the one running around from either end of the stage shaking my ass around trying to arouse the crowd. All Danny did was stand still, look sexy and swing his hips around. Was I at a Beyonce concert and I just didn't fuckin' know it? I must have been. Poor Danny my asshole.
.....
When I was running away from Danny the other day, my shorts got stuck up in my ass crack. I don't know how it happened, but I do know that it has to be one of the most uncomfortable feelings. I don't know why I wrote that in here...probably just for something to do. There is not much going on here. Tomorrow is Christmas, so we will be decorating. I wonder if Danny has told Tom that we will be celebrating the Fourth of July too.
"Hey, Danny! Did you tell Tom that we are going to be celebrating the Fourth of July?" Tom looks up from his knitting. "That's American. Why the hell would we celebrate that?" "Because it is a fun thing to do and it gives us an excuse to have a BBQ on the roof." Tom shakes his head. "We are not doing that." "But we can roast corn on the roof!" Tom considers it. "Now that sounds like a fuckin' plan! I'll go out and pick up all the shit later. Harry! Harry! Where the fuck are you?! Oh, there you are. You are gonna go out and get the fireworks. Danny and Dougie, uh, just do something." All right! I am pumped and ready for action. The only downfall is that we have to celebrate Christmas tomorrow, and our Fourth of July party will be the day after. What the fuck? They have Christmas in July, why not have the Fourth of July at Christmas time? I should have been a professor of philosophy.
....
It's really depressing now that Tom has come home. He found that we had ignored all of his stickies in the kitchen and had not done anything around the house. We did do some stuff! I managed to do the dishes without nearly killing myself, Danny watered the plants and Harry got the Christmas lights out. Who the fuck does Tom think he is? Mule Muffins to him and to his horse. "Why didn't you guys do anything around the house?" Tom starts with the grand fuckin inquisition. "We did shit around the house. Take a look around." Tom looks around; there are cobwebs hanging and there is a layer of dust on the top of the microwave. "Really? What shit did you do." "Lots of shit. If you don't like the way that we do things, then hire a fuckin' cleaning crew when you go out." Tom snorts and goes to sit in front of the telly. He needs to realise that he has a dick, not a set of tits and stop playing mother hen. I'm stick and tired of this shit.
.....
Harry got a dog and brought it home; don't get me wrong, I'm an animal lover, but I don't want some slobbery-ass mutt in my house. The worst part of the situation is that the dog drags his ass across the carpet and gives me looks like Tom. So in a nutshell, it is like having another Tom in the house. Danny loves the idea and he has the dog sleep with him in his bedroom. Excuse the fuck out of me, but I find that creepy. The dog doesn't mind though; he really likes it. He's as happy as a pig in shit. At least of one of us is happy. I'm not going to be happy if I find that the dog took a dump in my room. If that happens I'll skin it and make a furry hat out of it. Danny has a beaver skin hat; I don't know where he got it or what type of beaver it is made out of, and I am not going to ask either. If he wants to wear boots made out of someone's crotch hair, that's fine with me, but just keep me the fuck out of it.
....
Christmas is in the air. Harry is hanging Christmas lights on the house and is really getting into the season. I think that we could save a little on the electric bill by turning off half those fuckin' lights. I bet that you could see our house from space; Harry would know, he's head is always up floating around with the planets. Tom is holding the ladder, while Harry is up on it. If you put Danny out there then it would look like The Three Stooges. Some fan told me that I should watch that show on youtube, so I logged on. That was some of the funniest shit ever. I nearly puked I was laughing so hard. Danny thought it was funny too and tried to re-create some of the stunts in the backyard; let's just say that it looks like a meteor fell into the yard. I don't know what he did, but it certainly will never be forgotten that he did something. A light dusting of snow covers the hole so I can't really complain. it's really bitchin' to look at. I think that I could turn it into a tourist attraction and make a little money. Speaking of money, Tom owes me for spotting him the other night.
There is a thud outside and yelling. I run out of the house to see what is going on. Harry has fallen off the ladder and is tangled in a string of lights. Tom is standing there looking as useful as a bull with three tits. "Harry!" I dash over to him to see if he's still breathing. I've already bought his Christmas present and I hate to waste money. "Touch hole moved the ladder before I was ready and I fell off. He's lucky that I don't kill him!" Tom steps back. "It wasn't my fault! I slipped on the ice and bumped the ladder!" Harry manages to stand up without falling and smacks Tom with the string of lights. "Suck my balls. You always have some kind of excuse for when you fuck up." Tom looks upset. "It really happened." I cut in. "Yeah, if he were lying, it would be something stupid. A pink elephant tried to rape me from behind and I bumped the ladder when I was trying to get away." Even Tom laughs at these even thought the remark is about him. We all head into the house laughing; none of us can explain what is so goddamn funny. Danny is sitting on the sofa watching a film when we stumble through the front door.
"What the fuck is wrong with you guys?" He asks. "I don't know what is so funny!" He eyes us, then a look of concern spreads across his face. "Where were you guys?" "Out on the side of the house hanging Christmas lights!" We continue to laugh while Danny grows more panicked by the second. "Which side of the house?" "The right." "Oh fuck!" He shoots out of his chair and races to the second floor laundry room. We follow behind him snickering like school girls. He rips open the dryer door and fishes around inside looking for something. He pulls out his pants and checks the pockets. "Oh, no! I washed all my pot! Then when I put my pants in the dryer it was blowing pit fumes out through the vent where you guys were! I can't believe that I did that! Goddamn! That was like £50 worth of pot!" Tom looks over at Danny. "Do you have any more?" "No I don't have anymore! What do I look like? A drug dealer?" "No, if you were a drug dealer you would be a hell of a lit smarter." Danny shoves me and I fall into Tom, who falls into Harry. We all fall over on the ground and Danny steps on us one his way out of the laundry room. "That was awesome." Tom and Harry snicker in unison. I have never felt this good in my life. I think that I have found a new activity that relieves anxiety and depression. Too bad it is fuckin' expensive.
-The Columbian Drug Lord of London, Dougie Poynter