I whistled a little tune as I mopped the floor of the armory. Returning troops had gotten blood and debris all over it so I had to clean it up. I'm not complaining, but this job so far has been a total bore. I've been a janitor for about a month now and it still hasn't led to anything remotely exciting. You'd figure that working for the human resistance would mean something interesting every day, but not for the janitor. Not that I was complaining. I was just fine with no near death experiences. But... at least a little excitement would be nice.

"Deckhand Timmothy Poinsette report to the bridge immediately."

...A raise and and a bigger room would be nice!

...Just checking.

I pushed my mop bucket to the elevator before pressing the button for the bridge. I idly stood by as generic elevator music played with each passing *ding*. I exited the elevator and made my way to the bridge as uniformed staff milled around. Upon entering the door the man named Central glanced at me.

"Good, you're here. There was a coffee spill over there."

"On it."

As I mopped I overheard the head honchos discussion.

"Are you sure you can't pinpoint the location?"

A woman in coveralls sighed,

"Yeah. We know that they're keeping original of the blackbox for the new automated units in a secure location, but we can't find the exact spot."

Central sighed.

"Perfect. If we could only get that blackbox we could have a huge advantage over the newest mechanized troops Advent sends against us. How's the attempt to get into the Advent main server coming along?"

A man at a computer turned and shook his head.

"No dice. It's all password protected, encrypted, and blocked with firewalls. There's no way to bypass the security."

Wait... bypass the main server security?

"Well keep working. I want... Deckhand, is there a reason why you're eavesdropping?"

I flinched and shook my head.

"No sir."

"Back to work."

I returned to my mopping as I weighed my options. I could do "it" again, but maybe I shouldn't. It might not even work. I mean, Tassali could have told one of the higher ups about it. But...

"Actually... there is a reason."

Everyone turned to look at me as I gestured to the computer.

"May I?"

The man looked at Central who gestured for him to move. I sat down and everyone crowded around behind me. I cracked my fingers before typing,

AAAAAAAAAAA* enter

"Password incorrect."

Enter

"Password incorrect."

Enter

"Password—"

Enter

"Password—"

Enter

Enter

Enter

Enter

Enter

Central groaned.

"Is there a reason you're—"

"Password Accepted. Welcome *ERROR*."

Everyone stared at the now waiting computer.

"How did you?"

"Uh... my old boss hated having to authorize all my stuff so she taught me how to do that. The server crashes if you repeatedly enter an incorrect password too many times and will let you in. That's... kinda how I got all the information before I left. I'm pretty sure that the only reason they don't fix it is because nobody would think to do it."

I got up and the man from before rushed over and began maddly typing away. Before long he turned to Central and said,

"I've got it. We have a target."

"Location?"

"Uh... somewhere in the Midwest. I'll send the coordinates to the pilot. We should arrive there in a couple hours. Should we head there?"

Central nodded.

"Yes. I'll notify the Commander. Prepare Alpha Team for departure."

He turned to me and asked,

"Deckhand, do you know how to locate, decrypt, and download data files from Advent tech that's heavily protected? Because no technicians we have can do it before reinforcements show up. But you... you must have done similar, correct?"

"Uh... yeah. I've done that. Loads of times. In a couple minutes tops."

"Then we need you to follow after the team we send in and download that blackbox. You shouldn't see any combat and you'll have an escort. Are you willing to do this to help your species survive?"

Uh... let me think. On one hand, I would kinda be in harms way. On the other... stop Advent and look cool while doing it.

"Alright... I'll do it."

He nodded and moved to the main console.

"Well then, you'd better suit up. It won't be long before we're there."

I saluted and ran out the door.

"Deckhand!"

I poked my head back in. He was totally going to say something inspiring or—

"You forgot your mop."

...or that.

(A few hours later)

"You sure this is safe?"

I looked down at the ground far below as the soldiers prepared to jump.

"Safe enough. Now quit whining and jump."

"Maybe you should go— AAAAH!"

I screamed as I was pushed out of the skyranger. I had been attached to the drop line before but I still grabbed it to slow my descent. I froze as I dangled half a foot off the ground.

"See, you lived. Alright! Team A form up! Escort team you stay here until we send the signal. Let's move!"

The larger group vanished into the night leaving me and two others at the drop point. I gulped and adjusted my bulletproof vest.

"So... how long should this take?"

One of the soldiers shrugged.

"Not long. You know how to use that gun?"

I looked down at the pistol strapped to my waist.

"No."

"Great. Here's a crash course you see," he pointed to a small button near the trigger, "That? That's the safety. If you really, really, REALLY need to shoot something, you turn that off and point it at the thing. You then pull the trigger and bang. Got it."

"Uh... I think."

"Good. Now don't unholster it."

"Then why did you guys give it to me?"

"Probably so you can kill yoursef rather than get captured."

"Uh..."

"Joking... joking."

That killed the mood of camaraderie. We all idly sat there as we waited for the signal. What the signal was exactly I didn't know, but hopefully somebody did.

"So... uh... this signal. What's it gonna be?"

"You'll see."

"...Ooooookay. So anything I should—"

"This is a covert operation so you should probably keep it down."

I shut my mouth. I mean, they did all... this regularly. They know what they're doing.

POP*

"What in the—"

"There's the signal. Let's move!"

"But I—"

"Move!"

I let out a startled "eep" as the soldiers tugged me forward. We ducked through rubbpe and past burning robots.

"How did they do this so quietly?"

"Ssh!"

"Seriously! Those are explosion marks!"

"Do you want to alert Advent!"

"But how would my talking do that when EXPLOSIVES DIDN'T!"

I got no reply. Fine then, be that way.

"Here they are."

We stopped at the door of a small building. The other soldiers were standing around waiting for us.

"Good, you made it. We searched the building. It's clear. Do your thing while we keep watch."

"Uh... okay."

I entered the building and slowly approached the terminal. My main question was, I already told the people how to bypass the security, so why were they having me—

BEEP BEEP BEEP*

Metal shutters closed down over the door and windows as the soldiers outside spun around in surprise. Wait...

"Uh... if this is a trap, whose trap is this?"

"Mine."

I turned to see some guy in armor slowly walking towards me as ominous music played in the background. I just stared at him.

"Uh... who are you? And why are you playing music? It really isn't working."

The man groaned.

"I know. I figured it was worth a shot at least. Anyway, you're trapped. Prepare to die XCOM scum."

"Correction, you prepare to die Advent traitor."

We both turned as a Gremlin flew down to window level. The man smirked.

"Ah, you must be the legendary Commander. As you can see, the 'blackbox' was a trap and I now have—"

"My janitor."

The man froze.

"Wait, what?"

"Yup, that's a janitor. I knew this was a trap so I turned it into trap for you. Come out with your hands up or you aren't coming out alive."

He grabbed me and pressed a gun to my head.

"Or, you leave now or I blow his brains out!"

"Woah woah woah! I thought we had chemistry! I commented about your music!"

"No hard feelings janitor, but I'm not going down. SO WHAT'S IT GOING TO BE COMMANDER! I WILL KILL... what's your name?"

"Uh... Timmothy?"

"I'LL BLOW TIMMOTHY'S BRAINS OUT! SO WHAT'S IT GOING TO—"

thwak!*

I flinched as the man crumpled to the floor.

"HANDS OFF MY MAN!"

Was that...

"Timmothy! I was afraid I'd never see you again!"

Crap. I turned to see a certain Viper standing(ish) over the form of hostage dude. I gulped as the soldiers and Commander panicked.

"Viper! Get out of there, Deckhand!"

I yelped as she darted forward and hugged me.

"Oh, Timmothy! It's been so boring without you around."

I squirmed out of her embrace and scowled.

"Excuse me! I am mad at you!"

She gave me a confused look.

"Uh... why?"

"Uh... you were going to hand me over to your bosses to have me killed, you people(ish) are killing my species, and you totally boss me around! Also you really need to keep those pictures off my datapad."

She crossed her arms and scowled.

"No, I wasn't going to give you to them. I was going to keep you in my closet like some sort of illegal pet. I personally am not harming your species and I had no choice but to join the military. And I am not bossy!"

"Yes you—"

She gave me the look. You know, the look. The "don't mess with me" look.

"...sorry."

"As I was saying, you should be glad that I'm assertive! You're kind of passive. And those pictures are fine given our relationship!"

"But on my work datapad?!"

The Commander cleared his throat.

"Excuse me, but what the actual Hell is going on?"

I turned to look at him.

"You see the thing is—"

"I'm Timmothy's girlfriend."

Everyone just stared. Ground, please swallow me.

"You're... Timmothy's girlfriend."

"Yes yes, now stop talking. Come on Timmothy, we're leaving."

"Excuse me!?"

She raised an eyebrow.

"What?"

"We're not a thing!"

"Yes we are."

"No, we broke up!"

"No we didn't."

"Yes we did!"

"When."

"It was understood!"

"You don't seriously want to break up with me, do you?"

"...maaaaaaybe."

"But I beat that guy up for you!"

"The guy before or this guy?"

"Both!"

The armor dude lifted his head and groaned.

"Commander Tassali what is the meaning of—"

"Oh shut up. Nobody cares about you."

"But I—"

"No. One."

She tapped away at a keypad and the lockdown was over. She grabbed the armor guy and threw him to the soldiers.

"Here you go. Come on Timmothy! I found a nice place to go into hiding! I just technically committed treason for you, so we should avoid Advent."

I watched her go before sighing and shrugging.

"Might as well. Bye guys!"

I jogged to catch up to Tassali, leaving several confused soldiers behind.

"...Anyone want to explain what just happened?"

"...I need a drink."

(Author's note)

This might be the end of this story, but Timmothy and Tassali will be back. This one was basically pure comedy focused solely on the main characters, but in the second part I intend to introduce more characters, an actual story, and even pacing. But... it might take a while. Sorry about the wait, and I hope you guys have enjoyed this mess of a story. Also, I'll make a brief epilogue a little later, but this is technically

THE END