Title: Super Sized!

Author: voodoodoll333 / katalystik

Rating: T

Chapter: 20/30?

Pairings: Axel/Roxas main, Riku+Sora on the side. Cloud+Tidus looming.

Summary: In another dimension, Roxas is leading a normal, high school life. Axel, on the other hand, is a low-wage worker at a fast food chain who happens to be smitten with the blonde boy. Awkward times lead to desperate measures, and they soon find themselves in the middle of something neither knows what to do about. AU Crackfic.

AN: So. I was going to just post a chapter containing all of the plot points and things to finish up Super Sized, but Caitlin- oho, Caitlin prevented that. By. Writing. It. For. Me.

This is an act of pure kindness and awesomeness. I hope you enjoy her chapters. She rocks. :D

Other AN: Seeing as you're going to be suddenly reading something by me which you were not expecting to read, I think I probably ought to introduce myself. My name is Caitlin. You may have seen my name mentioned in previous author's notes here. I'm eighteen, interested in physics, dating a very nice girl named Jessica, and I usually write very serious and depressing things. If you'd like to know more about me, you can visit my LiveJournal (username emptybackpack). That journal is f-locked, but most of the fic I've written is public. You may be interested in checking it out. Thank you for your time.

P.S. Natalie, I went poking around and figured out how to upload this. Hope I didn't screw anything up.

---

The bell had just rung signaling the start of lunch hour. The day was halfway over, thank God. Well, approximately. Give or take some ride time and a lot of sleeping in class. Roxas did not move from his desk.

The teacher looked at him a bit strangely, tempted to ask if he needed to go to the nurse. He looked like shit. But she had seen the gigantic . . . thing on the side of his neck, and wisely figured it was better not to ask. An overly-curious teacher did not have a very long employment at an inner-city school like this one. Or lifespan. She locked the door, but left it open behind her when she left.

Sora found Roxas a few minutes later, still sitting at his desk with his forehead down on the cheap plastic surface. He wasn't particularly worried. Roxas had been like this all day, so at least he was getting some rest, even if he was making a start toward failing his classes. And he made a particularly comfortable armrest, surprisingly. Sora figured he'd wait for a few minutes for the others to get there before broaching the subject of 'speech' with Roxas.

Tuesday was off-campus lunch day. Well, not officially. But it was for them. It was the only day none of them had clubs at lunch, and Tidus' cousin Kairi had a gigantic supervan she used to drive people places or, possibly, run said people over. She had paintball equipment stored in the back, and a pair of beaten-up tiki torches. It just went to show . . . well, he didn't know what it went to show, except that Kairi had a lurking violent side. He shuddered. At least it didn't run in the family.

Riku found Sora first, since his classroom was the next closest to the economics room Roxas had for fourth hour and the room they all met up in on Tuesdays like this. His visit was brief. "Hey, Sora, remember how I missed a couple of days earlier this month?" In the hospital, yes. Sora nodded, only vaguely guilty. Thinking about the whole ordeal still pissed him off a bit. "So, yeah, turns out I have to make up a Spanish test. Right now. Because midterms get sent out at three today." Sora nodded. Nodded. Processed. Oh, okay. So Riku wouldn't be going to lunch with them. He kept nodding.

Riku stared at him, still unnerved by his earlier hijinks with ladies' underwear. He noticed his foot was touching Sora's bag slightly. He shuffled away, trying to be inconspicuous. "So. Uh. Yeah." Sora looked at him. Was he even thinking about anything in there? Wait, yes, probably bras. Damn. "I'll, uh, be seeing you. Get me some fries." He reached out and ruffled Sora's hair quickly, and then walked off. At speed. Away from the bras.

Sora watched him leave, staring after him contemplatively. Poor guy really was freaked out by the whole crossdressing thing. Not that Sora had much sympathy for him. But he probably wasn't going to be able to get him to cooperate, unfortunately. At least not this way. And the dinner was tomorrow night. Sora tapped his foot for a few minutes, waiting for the others. Then he got tired of that and started drumming his fingers on the back of Roxas' head. Roxas didn't move. Maybe he had passed out. It might be a mercy.

Tidus arrived shortly, with Kairi and . . . was that Selphie? . . . in tow. He waved with the hand not abusing Roxas' skull. "Hey, so are you going to the Soul Harvest concert, then?" Roxas groaned. Alive, then. "If I can work things out with my parents, I might need a ride."

Tidus smiled. "No, sorry. I'm not going after all. Turns out Selphie was actually interested in my cousin, not me." He laughed good-naturedly, rather strange for someone who'd almost been used as a sexual substitute for another family member. Then again, Tidus was a strange kid. He probably didn't care.

Sora turned to look at Selphie. "Hi, I'm Sora!" he introduced himself. Lamely. He waved again.

She greeted him just as cheerfully back. "My name is Selphie. Very nice to meet you." She even reached out a hand to him. He shook it. She seemed pleasant enough. She'd probably be a good match for Kairi.

Wait, wasn't Kairi a girl? He thought about that for a second, still shaking Selphie's hand. Yeah, yeah she was. She had boobs. Sora stopped shaking hands with Selphie and pointed at Kairi. "You're a girl!" he told her accusatively.

Kairi stared at him. She'd always thought Sora was a bit of an airhead, but this was new. "Yeeees," she responded slowly, "yes, I am. And Sel-phie is my girl-friend. I date giiiirls. Nice to meet you."

"Yeah, yeah, not that. You have boobs!" In retrospect, that might not have been the most intelligent thing to point out as support for his case. Wait, had he made his case? "Will you have dinner with me tomorrow night with my parents?"

Selphie coughed politely. "I've just met you, and already you're trying to steal my girlfriend?"

"Only kind of," Sora told her, and then to Kairi he said "I'll pay you!"

Selphie coughed a little louder. Man, that must be an inconvenient nervous twitch. "And now you're insinuating that she's a prostitute."

Tidus looked up from where he had been kneeling on the floor, trying to pry Roxas' head up off the desk. "What now?"

Finally, a man in the conversation. He'd understand. Sora started to explain. "Remember how my parents said they wanted to meet the girlfriend I told them I had before they'd let me go to see Soul Harvest? Well, yeah, I don't have a girlfriend, and I need someone to be a girl so I can have one, and Riku won't do it."

Tidus nodded understandingly. "You should ask Kairi. She's pretty. I'm sure Selphie wouldn't mind. Selphie, would you mind if Sora pretended Kairi was his girlfriend for a day so that he could convince his parents he's straight?"

Selphie nodded pleasantly, and Kairi said "Twenty bucks. Deal?"

"Deal," Sora told her, smiling widely. "So, Roxas, want to go to lunch?"

Roxas groaned, sat up, and threw up all over Tidus' shoes. Tidus looked down, his eyebrows scrunched together. "Gee, thanks."

---

Roxas stared out the passenger-side window of Kairi's van. People generally used 'one-two-three-notit!' to determine who ended up shotgun. Roxas hadn't even spoken up, and though they all felt sorry for him, they didn't feel sorry enough to take his place sitting shotgun. Kairi reached over and patted him on the leg reassuringly. She was fixing her hair in the rearview mirror with her other hand. She braked a bit. Tires squealed somewhere.

"So," Kairi asked the van in general, "where do we want to go for lunch?" She was headed in the general direction of the mall. "Fast food, food court, deli, what?"

There was a bit of a fight in the back seat, and then Sora piped up "I want to stop at the comic shop to pick up some Jones soda. We're having a party in Spanish class. So can we go to BurgerMart? That's pretty close."

Roxas let his head thunk against the side window. BurgerMart. Perhaps Kairi would do a curb check and his skull would get flattened against the safety glass. That would be nice. What were the chances Axel was working today?

Kairi did, indeed, run over the curb at speed at the next corner. Roxas' head thudded painfully against the glass. Not nearly hard enough to cause a concussion. Too bad. The van sped past Roxas' subdivision. He briefly considered opening the door and jumping out and giving up on the rest of the day. He was probably just going to spend it sleeping in class and losing participation points, anyhow.

The mall and its surrounding properties were very busy and the parking lots were mostly full up with holiday shoppers. The area in front of the comic store and the bar and party supply store next to it remained relatively empty, however. The latest special release issue of Civil War probably wasn't going to be a very hot gift among the general populace. Kairi parked haphazardly between a beaten-up hatchback and a soccer-mom van covered in gay pride stickers.

Sora announced that he would buy a Jones for anyone who wanted one and then leaped out of the car post-haste. There were only thirty minutes left in the lunch period. The rest of the kids in the back seat followed him. Roxas did not move. Kairi got out a bit more sedately and came around to his side of the car. She tapped on the glass. "Are you coming, or what?" Roxas sighed and didn't look at her. Kairi had a golden opportunity to examine the supposed 'hive' on Roxas' neck through the glass of the window. She wondered who there was from school who could have given him a hickey so . . . enthusiastic. Probably the same chick he was mooning over now. Alas. "Well, I'll pick you up a bubblegum," she told him, and locked him in the car.

If she'd tried to open the door to let him out he probably would have fallen out onto the asphalt. And maybe he'd die in the heat of the car, he hoped. It was probably for the best.

Roxas sat quietly in the car as the temperature rose without air conditioning. The kids took quite a while in the store. Probably ten minutes. He didn't move to look at his watch. Maybe they wouldn't end up at BurgerMart at all. Maybe they'd go through the drive through. Maybe he'd suffocate because Kairi hadn't left any windows cracked and had locked him in. He stared off into space at the gay pride minivan.

What felt to Roxas like quite a long time later, the van beeped twice at the command of Kairi's key remote and the locks clicked open. Roxas started. Maybe they'd be late for class. That would be nice.

Kairi got in, buckled up, shifted her transmission into reverse as soon as she heard the last car door close, and backed out of the space with a cursory glance over her shoulder. Roxas had a brief moment of hope when Kairi actually stopped at the stop sign for the road leading out of the strip mall, but then she drove on toward the little clump of restaurants ahead. She must have just had a momentary instance of good judgment and parking lot etiquette.

Kairi swore as she pulled up toward the fast food restaurant at a speed that was probably approaching illegal on any public street. "Dammit, the drive through is full. I guess we'll have to go inside. We'll make this quick, y'hear?"

Roxas got out of the car this time. There was probably a five in seven chance Axel was even working today. He didn't want to think about the fact that Axel probably tried to plan his work schedule around when he'd be most likely to see Roxas. And maybe Axel hadn't even come into work today. Oh, that was an even more painful thought. Roxas tried not to let it guilt him too much. It wasn't like he could avoid eating forever, and he really was quite hungry, having thrown up his breakfast.

Roxas got in line at the very end behind the rest of his group. Kairi had warned them all to know exactly what they wanted so that they could get out of there quickly. Roxas, of course, knew easily, and started digging through his wallet for exact change for his order. The cashiers liked him a bit better because of that habit.

Tucked in amongst the paper money in the billfold of his wallet, Roxas found a note. It was scraggly around the edges, in a loopy old woman's handwriting, reading "Beware the intentions of those around you." What the Hell?

Roxas contemplated the note as he stepped forward in line, one hand clutched around his exact change. A voice at the counter said, rather scratchily, "Next, please?"

Roxas walked forward, recounting his change, and then looked up when he was asked, haltingly, "May I take your order?"

Oh God. He was standing in front of Axel. They had picked Axel's line. And Axel . . . Roxas stared. "You have . . . no neck."

Axel smiled sheepishly, and looked down. Sure enough, there was a definite space of clear air between the collar of his turtleneck and his chin. "You noticed? Nobody else has, so I figured it was okay." Inwardly, he was thinking Thanks for noticing, you ass.

" . . . yeah," Roxas replied quietly. He kept staring. Shit, what was he supposed to say now?

Axel didn't say anything. There wasn't anybody behind Roxas in line, so he could damn well take his time and come up with something nice to say. Unless he didn't care. Which was probable. Axel wondered vaguely which one of them really was the one being an ass.

He fiddled with the pen chained to the register, putting it back in place. He crossed his arms. They stared at each other. Roxas was, as usual, performing a winning impression of a deer in headlights.

Someone placed a hand on Roxas' shoulder from behind. Roxas jumped. "Yes?" he snapped, ill at ease. Whatever damned customer was waiting behind him could damned well go somewhere else until he figured out what he was supposed to say now.

It turned out to be Kairi. "Roxas, man, it's time to go. Have you even ordered yet? We have seven minutes to get back to school. Everyone else is in the car already." She turned to look at the cashier, with whom Roxas had apparently been having a staring contest ever since she had left him in line. She read his nametag, and then looked him up and down suspiciously. "You know what, you can just have my food. I'll get lunch during my free period. C'mon, let's go." She gave Axel one last considering look and then grabbed Roxas' wrist in order to physically drag him out the door to her car.

Great, Axel thought, just fantastic. Well, at least he still had his health. Except not really, because he had no neck, and apparently nobody else noticed so maybe he was going crazy, and he hadn't even had the time or energy yet in the day to think about the implications of him not having a neck. Okay. Okay. He was going on break now. Right now.

---

Kairi, through a fluke of scheduling and the fact that she was on excellent terms with all of the counseling office staff, had no class in the hour after lunch. She didn't just have free period or study hall. She had early dismissal. In the middle of the day. Right before her last-hour chemistry lab class.

She tended to spend her free hour out and about or sitting in on the classes of teachers she liked. Today, however, she intended to make a new stop – the newly acquired classroom of her newly acquired girlfriend. Hopefully the teacher wouldn't mind too much.

Kairi dropped everyone off in the school bus lane to run to their classes with two minutes to spare. She then took a leisurely drive around the school to park in the back parking lot, and re-entered the campus without having to show her I.D. to the security guard, to whom she waved hello and wished a good afternoon.

She had copied down Selphie's schedule earlier on in the day. She took it out now to look at. Apparently Selphie had a class on the upper floor this period, in the math wing. That should be interesting. Hopefully they weren't taking notes or doing anything, you know, productive.

Kairi stood close to the doorframe, just out of sight of the students, and listened to the class for a moment. There was some small chatter, so they weren't taking a test, and the teacher wasn't talking, so they weren't taking notes. Hopefully. She might be wrong. She listened a little longer, and then put on an air of confidence and walked quietly into the classroom.

The teacher's desk was at the right front of the classroom. Mr. Hull was sitting working on his dinky school laptop, pattering away on the terrible keyboard. She walked up to his desk and stood in front of it until he noticed her and looked up. It was more polite to let the teacher talk first. "Yes?" asked Mr. Hull, acknowledging her presence in a kindly manner. He didn't seem particularly annoyed.

"Would it be alright if I hung out in your room for a couple of minutes? I don't have a class right now, and the library won't let me stay there because I have early dismissal, not study hall. There's nowhere else I'm supposed to be right now. I'll make sure to be quiet." That was probably a sufficient response to answer all the questions teachers usually asked.

Mr. Hull looked a bit overwhelmed. "Um, sure, I guess that would be fine. So long as you're quiet." He gave her one last confused look and went back to entering grades on his computer.

Kairi went and sat down cross-legged at Selphie's feet, disturbing her from her painstakingly slow reading of a novel of British pop fiction. "'Sup?" she asked, smiling.

Selphie set her book down with the pages open and kicked Kairi in the leg. "Dude! What are you – " Kairi shushed her, looking around at the relatively quiet classroom. Selphie restarted in a whisper. "What are you doing here?"

Kairi smiled again, more of a smirk, in a way that she probably thought was flirty. "I thought I'd come visit. Want some gossip?"

Selphie ripped off a chunk of math notes to use as a bookmark, tucked away her book quickly, and said "Sure!" in as much of an exclamation as she could whisper. A few people nearby turned to stare at the harsh sound.

"So I think I know who gave Roxas that hickey."

Selphie squeaked and did a dweeby little fangirl-handclap (the kind with lots of non-connecting hand-flailing and usually accompanied by jumping up and down). Kairi poked her in the leg. "Shush."

Selphie shut up, but she was still smiling, and bouncing a little in her seat. The kid behind her scooted his desk back slightly, disturbed. "So so so so?"

"So there's this guy." Selphie squeaked again. Such a ghei-fangirl. "At BurgerMart."

Selphie lost her look of joy. "A fast-food worker? Um, that's kind of creepy."

Kairi laughed quietly. "Yeah, heh, it might be. I don't know. He looked pretty weird. Kind of the punk-rocker kid type, which I suppose would be a fit for Roxas." Selphie nodded sagely, punctuation to the story, in the way of gossiping girls everywhere. "But."

Kairi paused for dramatic effect. Selphie made a sort of keening noise in the back of her throat. Kairi found it kind of cute.

"But. Roxas and Fast Food Guy were totally having a moment and I walked into it. I think Roxas is gay for him. It was that sort of look." Kairi's voice had taken on a sort of evil tone, in the conspiratorial way. She stroked a finger down Selphie's knee.

Selphie apparently couldn't conceal her voyeuristic excitement any longer. "OH MY GOD THAT IS SO CUTE!" she exclaimed for the betterment of the classroom. Someone cleared his throat above where the two were sitting.

Mr. Hull was standing there, looking rather upset this time. "I'm sorry, miss, but I'm going to have to ask you to leave now."

Kairi gave him a shit-eating smile and said "Of course, sir. Sorry to have been a bother." She stood up, got her things, and ruffled Selphie's hair. "Meet me after school in the senior parking lot," she whispered, and then she was gone.

Selphie sighed.

---

AN: I can't tell you how sorry I am that I'm not Natalie (the original author of this fic). I know that I have a very different style of humor from hers, and my syntax is often quite different, and I may use words you might not know (like syntax). But I am trying my best to make this just as enjoyable as it was previously, and I hope that you do continue to enjoy it. Thank you for giving me a chance.