Chapter 21 - Too Easy

Cass kissed Carver goodbye with a heavy heart when he left two weeks later. Still, part of her was relieved he was gone. She was ready to admit his company had done her good, had even helped her heal a little. But now she needed time alone, time to cry, to grieve, to feel sorry for herself.

She only allowed herself that luxury at night, though, in the loneliness of her room when the lights were out. During the day, all her concern was focussed on Mal. Taking care of the boy kept her going, forced her to function when all she wanted was to curl up and ignore her daily duties. He needed her, she was responsible for his well-being, and Cass had never shirked a responsibility in all her life.

At the same time Mal was yet another source of worry. At nine years of age, the boy was dark and quiet, a lot like Nathaniel in fact. More than once strangers had proclaimed him to be the spitting image of his father, despite his vibrant green eyes. He was bright and could be charming, but he already had a tendency to keep to himself, to fight his battles alone. Now, with Nathaniel gone, he seemed determined not to show his pain.

Cass was desperately afraid he would forget his father, so she tried to keep Nathaniel's memory alive by telling him stories of their time together, happy memories of their life as a family. Whenever she could, she reminded him of what Nathaniel would have said or done.

But Mal had become difficult lately, rolling his eyes at her whenever she mentioned Nathaniel. When he failed to turn up before dark one night, she nearly panicked, sending out the servants to look for him, only to have him stride in nonchalantly two hours after the time they had agreed upon. Cass couldn't help it. All her pain and frustration broke out in an angry tirade about punctuality that left the boy largely unimpressed.

"Oh, is it really that late?" He grinned sheepishly at her.

"You bet it is!" Cass couldn't believe her ears. "If only your father was here! He would know how to talk to you."

"But he isn't!" Mal's voice was so raw that she instinctively stepped back. "He isn't here and he won't come back. No matter how much you talk about him. He's gone!"

Her first impulse was to scream back, to tell him how ungrateful he was, how cruel, how heartless. But somehow she managed to catch herself just in time. Something in the desperate little face held her back. When he rushed out of the room without another glance at her, she let him go. But she was deeply worried.

Cass was walking along the manor's gallery, hung with portraits of long dead noblemen, when she heard Mal laugh out loud, for the first time in weeks. Looking out through the window, Cass could hardly believe her eyes. There he was, racing happily across the courtyard, followed by a familiar lanky figure. Fenris.

A fierce anger rose within her. Walking down the stairs to greet Fenris, she fought desperately to keep her temper until she was alone with him. As soon as the study door closed behind them, she was hissing at him.

"What are you doing here, Fen? Do you expect me to sink into your arms now that he's gone? Is that it? Are you happy that he's finally out of the way?"

Fenris blanched, but something in her face must have told him that she was at the end of her tether, and he took a deep breath. "No, Cass. I just came to tell you I'm here for Mal. And for you. The Queen has granted me an extended leave, and if you want me here, I'll stay. And I'm sorry about Nathaniel, I truly am."

She stared at him, though for a moment she didn't see him at all, blinded by the sudden onslaught of pain. Then she curled up with a tiny helpless sob. He caught her just in time before she sank down to the floor and held on to her as fast as he dared.

"Maker, Fenris, I miss him so much. And when I think of him, down there, surrounded by darkspawn, fighting until he can't fight any more, until they tear him to pieces..." Her voice broke and Fenris pulled her closer to his chest, stroking her hair, making soothing little noises.

"I'm sure it was quick." There was a hitch in his voice. She desperately wanted to believe him, even though she knew he was lying for her sake. "And he had Loghain with him. He didn't have to face it alone."

She hid her face against his chest, glad for his comforting warmth. When she pushed him back a while later, she had calmed down.

"Will you let me stay?" He sounded tentative, almost shy, and suddenly she was ashamed. Recalling Mal's happy, excited face, she silently berated herself for her selfishness. She had no right to deprive her son of the one person who could get through to him now, just because she wanted to wallow in her grief.

She nodded. "Of course. I'll have the maid prepare a room for you."

Fenris' presence proved to be a blessing for Mal. The two of them spent hours hunting, sparring or reading together, and while it pained Cass to see somebody else taking Nathaniel's place, she knew it was for the best. Mal was far too young to focus solely on his grief; he needed someone who would laugh with him, have fun with him, without making him feel guilty. She knew she had made the right decision when her son came up to her room one afternoon and silently climbed up in her lap where he started to cry.

And if she was honest, she, too, enjoyed Fenris' company. They talked a lot, in the evenings, when Mal was asleep and it was just the two of them, sitting in front of the fireplace in her room. Fenris had changed, she found, become mellower toward mages, no doubt aware that his own son could very well turn out to be one of them. Nothing would ever be able to make him forget the things that had been done to him by the magisters, but he was no longer as bitter as he had been. The career in the Queen's Guard suited him, and he visibly enjoyed the respect his skills had earned him. He was his own person now, no one's follower, and his new-found self-confidence made him easier to talk to, less touchy, more relaxed.

Or maybe it was that she had changed as well under Nathaniel's influence, become less blunt and aggressive, though even now no one would ever accuse her of being overly tactful. They still fought, almost every night. But they had learnt to recognize when the fiery repartee began to spiral off into something darker, more destructive, and most of the time one of them managed to stop it.

But it was a slow process, and there were still times when their newly found diplomatic skills failed them. One night, about two months after his arrival, they got into a particularly nasty quarrel. Fenris had proposed to take Mal to Denerim for a few days, but Cass wouldn't hear of it. Neither of them wanted to give in, and within minutes they were shouting at each other at the top of their voices.

"Blight it, Cass, can't you be reasonable for once?" Fenris was trembling with rage. His hands were clenched into fists as if he was desperately fighting the urge to shake her. "Maker, woman, if you go on like this, I'll-"

"You'll do what?" Cass' tone was scathing. "You wouldn't have dared speak to me like this while Nathaniel was alive!"

Fenris flinched as if she'd hit him. They both fell silent, and Cass flushed deeply when she realized what she had said. She opened her mouth to apologize, but Fenris gestured at her to remain quiet.

When he finally spoke, his face was unreadable, his voice calm and uninflected. "He sent me here, you know."

"What do you mean?" Cass' eyes narrowed.

"Nathaniel. He came by my quarters on his way to Orzammar and asked me to come here, to look after you. He didn't want you to be alone."

She felt another surge of fury. "Oh, he didn't, did he? It's nice to know the two of you had it all worked out so nicely. I wonder whether it occurred to either of you to ask me. Do you honestly think you can just replace him? That's a bit too easy, isn't it?"

Fenris hissed in frustration. "That's not... You're impossible! I don't know what else to say or do, I really don't!"

"Then get out of here! Leave me alone!" Cass' eyes flashed with anger.

He stormed out of the room without a glance back. Cursing her quick temper, Cass took a deep breath, her rage already abating. She knew she was taking her frustration out on him. He doesn't deserve this. I have no right to treat him like this.

And yet... sometimes she wondered if they didn't both crave it from time to time, the heat, the rage, the passion. The passion. If anything, their fights proved it was still there. They had hardly touched in the weeks since his arrival, but of course she'd noticed the way Fenris was watching her whenever he thought she wasn't looking.

Cass sighed. It seemed nothing would ever be easy between the two of them. But if it was true, if Nathaniel... Her throat tightened. She curled up on her bed and silently cried herself to sleep.

Many thanks to zevgirl who always makes time to read my stuff. You are such a big help!