A/N: Going up a little early with this one bc I went off schedule yesterday aaaahh.

Castiel's determined to remain neutral, so naturally, his friends keep bringing the drama to him.

XXI. The Tradition: Year 5

"Pretty great movie," Dean says. "What did you think, Cas?"

Castiel shrugs. "I've never found horror movies particularly compelling," he answers. It's true that the acting in My Bloody Valentine was not half-bad, and the 3-dimensional effects were used well, but he just doesn't like the genre.

Dean nods. "Fair enough."

"I'm just glad you didn't force me to watch the third Underworld with you."

"That's right," Dean says. "You should be thankful."

"I actually thought that series was pretty good," Lisa comments.

"Thank you. A normal human being," Dean says.

They fall silent on the walk to the car, and Castiel watches Dean. He and Anna broke up a little over a week ago, but the fighting's been going on for months. They even took a few breaks, but this split seems pretty final.

Lisa has taken Dean's side, but Castiel's been trying his best to stay out of the fights—he can be supportive if either friend needs it, but he refuses to argue for either side. It's led to more than a few awkward, unhappy conversations with both Anna and Dean, but the point is that he doesn't want to lose either friend entirely. If he has to go through a rough patch with each of them in order to keep them both, he'll do it.

As Castiel slides into the back seat, he sees in the mirror that Dean looks unhappy. By now, he knows better than to comment because that'll only end up in discomfort for everyone involved, but of course, Lisa goes ahead and asks anyway.

"Dean, are you okay?"

There's a brief pause before Dean says, "I'm fine."

Castiel wants to tell Lisa to stop, but before he can, she presses, "You sure?"

"For the last time, I am fine. If you guys ask me that again, I swear to god I'm gonna hurt you."

"Okay, okay. Sorry for caring," Lisa says, shaking her head.

Castiel allows a moment of silence before asking, "Did you still want to get dinner?"

"Yeah, sure," Dean answers.

"Why don't we go back to my place and cook?" Castiel suggests. "I have a few steaks marinating in the fridge."

"I really don't feel like cooking, so s'long as you plan on doing all the work, I'm fine with it," Dean says.

"That's the plan."

"Okay, then."

Castiel starts to think about what he's making along with the steak, what he can do to trick Dean into eating some more vegetables because his diet really is atrocious. And then his phone rings, surprising him. He pulls it out and picks up.

"Cas, are you home right now?" Anna asks.

"No. I'm with Dean."

"So you're still celebrating his birthday with him, you mean." Her tone is disapproving, but Castiel ignores it.

"Yes," he says.

"Well, when are you gonna be home?" she asks.

"Soon, but Dean and Lisa will be with me."

From up front, Lisa asks, "Is that Anna?"

Castiel nods as Anna says through the phone, "I wanted to talk to you."

"Cas, hang up," Lisa says.

"I'll talk to you later, okay?" Castiel says into the receiver.

"Is Lisa telling you to hang up on me?" Anna asks.

"No. Anna—"

"Forget it. Call me tomorrow, okay?"

"I will. Bye."

"Bye."

When Castiel hangs up, Dean says tightly, "You got something to do tonight?"

"Only your birthday dinner."

"You sure about that? Not gonna go meet up with Anna?"

"Dean, stop. Please," Castiel says.

"Hey, I'm fine with it if you are. She's been your friend for years, so—"

"Dean!" Castiel blurts out, louder than he intended, startling Dean into silence. Castiel finishes in a lower voice, "I don't want to fight."

"Cas, I don't get it," Lisa says. "Anna's inflexible, and demanding, and judgmental, and I just—you remember how she reacted when she found out about Ben, don't you?"

"Lisa, I don't want to keep having the same conversation. It's over, all right? Stop trying to force me to choose a side," Castiel says.

Silence.

When they reach Castiel's apartment, Dean puts the car in park but doesn't cut the engine. "Y'know, I don't feel like going up. Let's just call it a night, 'kay?"

Castiel bites his lip, because this is actually something he saw coming. It's hard to imagine just how uncomfortable it would be if Dean did stay for dinner tonight. He seems to have a hard time dealing with the fact that Castiel chooses to remain close to Anna, after everything.

"Fine," Castiel finally says, pushing the door open. "Let me just bring your present down."

"You can get it to me later," Dean says.

Castiel pauses, one foot out the door. "You can't wait two minutes?" he asks, looking back into the car.

"All right, go get it," Dean says, relenting.

Castiel gets out and shuts the door behind him, then heads into the apartment building. He lives on the fourth floor now—after graduating, Dean moved back into the Winchester house, and Castiel moved into a smaller apartment one floor above the one they used to share.

When he gets inside, he walks into the kitchen and shakes his head at the mess. Cooking he can do just fine, but for some reason, baking's turned out to be impossible for him to do cleanly. He grabs the apple pie he baked a few hours ago, covers it with a sheet of tin foil, and heads right back out of his apartment, into the stairwell. A minute later, he's walking around to the driver's side of the Impala and knocking on the window.

Dean rolls it down. "Jesus, Cas, this smells awesome," he says as Castiel hands the pie over. He lifts the foil to take a peek. "Since when did you know how to bake?"

Castiel isn't about to tell Dean that he'd never baked before and actually went through a few trial runs in the past few weeks to make sure the pie would turn out right today, especially not when Dean's being such a dick, so Castiel just shrugs and walks back around the car.

"Hey, wait," he hears Dean say. "Cas, I…"

"It's fine, Dean. I understand," Castiel says, barely pausing to answer before pulling open the door to the apartment building. "Good night." He walks inside and shuts the door behind him before Dean can answer. Maybe that was a dick move on his part, but he really can't bring himself to care. Dean's probably just rubbing off on him.

When Castiel gets back up to his place, he looks around again, takes in the mess that he's made of his kitchen. He heaves a sigh and gets to work on the cleaning.

"Aw fuck, I'm an idiot."

"It's okay, Dean. Cas doesn't hold grudges."

"Well I know, but… never mind. Let me take you home."

Dean puts the car in drive and pulls away from the curb. In his peripheral vision he sees Lisa turn toward him slightly as though she's about to start talking, but she turns away to look out the window, seemingly thinking better of it. Dean can't help but feel relieved. The last thing he wants to do right now is talk.

God, he's so stupid.

He really shouldn't be taking out his frustration on Cas, especially when all this shit between him and Anna doesn't actually have anything to do with Cas. It's not Cas's fault that Anna wants to get fucking engaged, not Cas's fault that Dean's not ready for that kind of commitment, not Cas's fault that everything in Dean's life is going to shit right now.

He really wishes he could go back to Anna, 'cause she's great and eats like Sammy, which really means she eats like a rabbit, and she makes really awesome soup when he's sick, and she sings terribly in the shower, and she can somehow hunt deer and be a vegetarian at the same time and not even find it the slightest bit weird.

But the thought of being with only one person for the rest of his life, even if it is Anna… it's too much, and Dean doesn't want it. He likes having options, being able to back out.

He likes freedom.

But if he's completely honest with himself, which really doesn't happen all that often, he's afraid. He's afraid of letting someone in, letting someone get under his skin, close enough and dear enough to him that if he ever loses them, he'll end up just like Dad, hurt and broken and lost to everyone else.

Dean makes it to Lisa's apartment building pretty much on autopilot. He knows the way very well—too well. After all, Lisa and Anna share an apartment. When Lisa decided to join Cas and Anna in Lawrence, Anna asked Lisa to move in with her, and that arrangement had worked out perfectly. Until Anna freaking proposed, that is.

"You wanna come up for a drink?" Lisa asks.

"Anna—"

"She's staying in a hotel," Lisa answers before Dean can ask. "Apparently it's too hard to live with me."

Dean can't help the wave of guilt that washes over him. This breakup is screwing up friendships left and right, and he wishes he could fix it, but… well. He and Anna want different things, and there's no way to reconcile. God knows they tried.

"So are you coming?" Lisa prompts.

It doesn't sound like a good idea. Hell, Dean skipped out on dinner that Cas had probably planned for him—no, not probably, definitely. Steaks marinating in the fridge doesn't exactly sound spontaneous. If he bailed on Cas, there's no reason he should be taking up Lisa's offer.

Except that there was a hint of promise in the way she asked, and fuck, this isn't gonna end well. "Oh what the hell, why not," Dean says.

"Great."

Dean's always engaged in harmless flirting with Lisa, ever since they first met, if he remembers correctly. Even when he was dating Anna, this didn't change. Lisa's beautiful, and Dean knows he's attractive, and it just worked for them.

So maybe… maybe he should have seen this coming.

And well, maybe he should have done something to stop it. But he's not a saint, and last night Lisa was there, and Ben was already tucked in and sound asleep, and Dean was drunk and hurt—hell, right now he's just about the same, except he's just hungover instead of drunk—and it's not like he's had the best track record with wise decision-making anyway.

In any case, last night was really freakin' amazing, and this could just be the alcohol making his memory fuzzy, but he's pretty damn sure that he remembers enough to know that it was the best sex he'd had in a long time. He hadn't even realized just how mind-numbingly routine sex had gotten between himself and Anna before last night, so as much as he thinks he probably shouldn't have let things get that far, he really can't bring himself to regret it.

Now, he's puttering around the kitchen, making breakfast as sort of a thank you to Lisa. He doesn't know what last night was supposed to mean, given that they were both more than a little drunk, but he does know that he feels better overall, feels more like himself, right now.

Dean's just finished dividing up the scrambled eggs and bacon between two plates and is reaching for the toast when he hears the front door opening.

Shit, Anna.

Just as Dean thinks her name, Anna speaks up from the entrance to the kitchen. "Dean? What are you doing here?"

His instant reaction is to freeze up, guilt suddenly clawing at his insides. "Um."

But before he has time to come up with some sort of a valid excuse, Anna's saying, "Oh my god. Oh, my god." He turns around and sees that she has a hand covering her mouth, eyes wide. "You… you have got to be kidding me."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You slept with Lisa, didn't you?"

After so much time spent fighting with Anna, he's conditioned to get angry and snap right back at her whenever she raises her voice, so his response is, "Yeah, maybe I did. So?"

There's anger in Anna's expression, fury in her eyes, but Dean isn't blind to the shock and hurt and betrayal that are also there. That wave of guilt crashes back down again, and Dean nearly buckles under the force of it. But fuck if he isn't gonna do his best to hide it.

"Wow," Anna says after a moment. "I can't believe you would do this to me."

Dean stares at her. When she doesn't speak up, he asks, "What do you want me to say?"

"God, I don't know. I don't think anything you say could make this better."

And that rubs Dean the wrong way because sure, he feels guilty, but they're not even together anymore. He didn't even do anything wrong. "Anna, what the hell? You're acting like I cheated on you."

"Because you did!"

"We're already broken up! How can I be cheating if we're not even together anymore?"

"Oh, and you expect me to believe that last night was your first night with her?"

"It was!" Dean says indignantly.

"Oh, you're finally back," Dean hears in Lisa's voice, cutting off Anna's response. "What do you want?"

Anna turns to the side, and Dean steps closer to the exit. Anna shifts away from him on instinct, as though she can't stand to have him near her, and it rankles. "I want you to tell me what exactly you think you're doing," she says to Lisa. "Dean and I practically just broke up, and now you're sleeping with him?"

"Hey, we're not doing anything wrong," Dean says.

"Right. Sure," Anna says, but she's still turned away from Dean to face Lisa. "Well, I guess now I know why you've been on his side this whole time."

"Oh, for god's sake, please tell me you're joking," Lisa says. "I can't believe you'd think that!"

"What am I supposed to think, then?"

"I don't know, but definitely not that. I would never hurt you like that."

Anna heaves a sigh, and while she probably means it to come out frustrated, Dean knows her well enough by now to hear that it's pained, too. "Forget it. I'm going."

Dean steps out of the kitchen and watches Anna head for the front door. He considers stopping her but thinks better of it—there's nothing he can say to her, and honestly, he wasn't all in the wrong, anyway. It's not as though he was sleeping with Lisa while he and Anna were still together.

"Dean… I know you didn't want us asking this, but… you're okay, right?" Lisa asks from behind him.

Dean turns to see her standing a few yards away, watching him hesitantly. "Yeah, I'm fine," he says. "I uh, I made you breakfast."

Lisa steps over, glances into the kitchen. "Thanks. You're not… staying?"

Dean takes a deep breath, lets it out on a sigh, and answers, "No. I—"

"I'm sorry if what happened last night is making you uncomfortable," Lisa interrupts. "It doesn't have to mean anything—doesn't have to change anything." She fixes her eyes on Dean's, uncharacteristically uncertain, and he lets his gaze drop.

"I don't know, Lise. I… I'll talk to you later. I need some air." And that's probably the lamest thing Dean's ever said, but he just feels like he needs to get out of the apartment. "Ben can have my portion," he adds as he starts toward the door.

"Thanks, Dean. Take care o' yourself, okay?"

"Yeah," Dean says, turning to grin at her. He steps into his shoes and leaves the apartment.

As he heads down the stairs, he can't help but think back to the look on Anna's face. She'd definitely looked betrayed, and fuck, he hates the thought that she's holding this against him. Maybe it wasn't the smartest call on his part, but hell, it's over between them. God, Dean hates emotions—they're so messy and way too fucking difficult.

When he slides into the front seat of his baby, he glances over and sees the apple pie still sitting on the passenger seat—he hadn't brought it up to Lisa's last night because he hadn't thought he'd be spending the night. Dean slumps forward, lets his forehead hit the steering wheel with a thunk.

Cas.

He's sure that he and Cas will be fine, but… well, it's just that he and Cas hardly ever fight, and this time it was just Dean being all sorts of stupid, and he should probably go over and apologize, but he just doesn't want to.

Maybe later.

Castiel's in the middle of a breakfast of homemade pancakes topped with blueberries and syrup, along with a mug of steaming hot English Breakfast tea, when there's a knock on the door. He frowns because he isn't expecting anyone but gets to his feet and goes over to answer it.

"I really need to talk to you," Anna says as soon as the door opens, and she's pushing past him and into the apartment before Castiel can react.

"Yes, sorry about last night," Castiel says, shutting the door and locking it again. "I meant to call, but I—"

"Cas, I don't care about the birthday thing. That's fine," Anna answers, and Castiel's surprised to see that Anna's already made it all the way to his couch and collapsed onto it. He follows her over and sits down beside her, waiting expectantly. It doesn't take long. "Dean and Lisa slept together."

Castiel blinks once, and at first he thinks he heard wrong. He blinks again and is aware that he might be staring a bit. What?

"I don't want to repeat it," Anna says.

"Wow," Castiel finally manages. "I hadn't thought… I'm surprised."

"Yeah," Anna scoffs. "That's one emotion I'm feeling."

"I didn't think Lisa would—it's hardly been a week," Castiel says, frowning.

"I can't help but think that she… that she'd been planning this all along, or something. I know it's an awful thing to think of a friend, but… I just can't stop," Anna confesses.

"It's all right, Anna. It's hard not to think that, to be honest," Castiel replies—he'd be lying if he claimed that that wasn't one of the first things to pop into his head upon hearing the news.

"I thought for sure you'd get on my case for thinking that," Anna says, eyebrows raised.

Castiel understands that she's talking about the qualms Anna had about Lisa's pregnancy a few years back. "This is different," he answers.

Anna's gaze shifts away from him and she stares at nothing for a long moment before saying, in a voice that breaks a little, "Cas, I just… I don't understand. Why would they do that?"

"Dean's a tactile person. It makes sense that he would seek physical comfort," Castiel reasons.

"And Lisa?" Anna prompts, still not looking at Castiel.

"I don't know. But Dean and Lisa share a more casual attitude toward sex than you do. Lisa could have been offering comfort," Castiel tries.

"That's such bullshit."

"I'm just trying to be logical," Castiel says.

"Well can you stop being logical and just be my friend?" Anna asks plaintively, and when she meets Castiel's eyes, he sees that she's on the verge of tears.

"I… I'm not sure what you mean," he says, twisting his torso toward her. "But I am… here for you, as they say."

Anna's lips press together, trembling slightly, and then she's slumping forward, head resting on Castiel's chest. He brings his arms up and wraps them around his friend, pulling her closer as her shoulders begin to shake with silent sobs. Her hands come up to fist his sweater, and he just squeezes her tighter, unsure how else he can reassure her. Castiel's seen Anna shed angry tears before, but he's never seen weakness like this, never seen her let go of the rigidity that seems to pervade her very being.

It breaks his heart to see her in this much pain. It hurts to know that she's hurting, and that there's nothing he can to do stop it. So he holds her close and rubs her back until the tears subside, and she's just breathing deeply into the cloth of his sweater.

In the bedroom, his phone goes off. He doesn't move.

"You gonna get that?" Anna asks in a soft voice.

"No."

"It's okay," she says. "You're allowed to answer your phone, Cas."

"If it's important, they'll call again later."

Anna releases his sweater, and Castiel lets his arms fall away so that she can back away from him. She looks up and gives him a watery smile. "Thanks, Cas."

He returns the smile. "You're welcome."

"No, I mean it. I… I know I've given you some crap about staying out of our fights, but the truth is… I don't know what I'd do without you here. And I'm so thankful for how much you value our friendship."

"I'm sure you'd be fine without me," Castiel says gently.

After a pause, Anna looks down at the coffee table, which still holds the remnants of Castiel's pancakes. "Sorry for interrupting your breakfast," she says.

"It is fine, I assure you. Would you like some pancakes? I could—"

"No, that's okay. I'm not hungry," Anna says.

"Tea, then?"

"No, I'm fine," Anna answers. Castiel nods and watches Anna expectantly, because she has that look on her face that means she's ready to ask a question. "Cas… be honest," is what she decides to start with.

"I'm always honest."

"Did I push too far? Was this… was this all my fault?"

"Anna—"

"I mean, should I have settled? Should I have been happy with what we already had?"

"Anna, listen to me," Castiel says patiently—this isn't the first time Anna's had doubts like these over the months that she and Dean have been fighting, and Castiel's reassured her more than once, so he already has some idea of what to say. "I want you to answer some questions. First, did you really want to marry Dean?"

"Yes, of course I did. I… I still do."

"When would you have wanted that to happen?"

"I don't know, two or three years from now?"

"And if that time came and you two still weren't married, weren't even engaged, would you be happy?"

"No."

"So this would become a problem again."

"Yes, but… maybe this was just too early for him. Maybe he'd change his mind," Anna says.

"But it's unlikely," Castiel says—there's no point in lying. "He made his opinion on marriage pretty clear."

After a pause, Anna shakes her head. "God, Cas, I'm so sorry for putting you through this all the time," she says. "I just… I miss being with him. I miss yelling at him, and cooking for him, and watching movies with him, and… it's only been a week since we officially broke up, but we haven't been happy together for months, and I just… I miss it so much. I don't know how I'm ever going to get over him."

"Put some distance between him and yourself. I'd offer to let you stay here, but—"

"Dean has a spare key. I know," Anna says as Castiel's phone starts ringing again. "You should get that."

"I'll only be a minute," Castiel says, getting to his feet. He enters the bedroom and grabs his phone from the nightstand. "Lisa, now's really not a good time."

A brief pause. Then Lisa says, "Let me guess. Anna's there."

"She is. I'll call you back tonight, all right?"

"Ugh, don't bother. Just forget I called."

"Wait—"

"Forget it. Bye, Cas."

Lisa hangs up before Castiel can say anything else, so he walks back out into the living room, phone still in hand.

"Lisa?" Anna says.

"Yes," Castiel answers, putting his phone down on the coffee table. "You two are difficult to mollify over the phone."

"I'm sure," Anna says with a small smile.

Castiel takes a sip from his tea and finds that it's cold now. He puts the mug back down. "We should go out for lunch today," he suggests. "I was about to offer you some steak, but…" he trails off into a chuckle because somehow he'd almost forgotten that Anna was a vegetarian, and Anna laughs with him.

"Why would you even think of that?" she asks.

"I happen to have three steaks in the fridge."

Anna sobers up, a small frown settling over her features. "Was that for yesterday?"

"Yes."

"Of course," Anna says, sighing. "It was 'cause I called, wasn't it? God, Dean is such a dick."

"It's fine. You haven't exactly been an angel yourself, lately," Castiel points out.

Anna smiles ruefully. "Okay, lunch. What do you wanna do 'til then?"

"Whatever you want. I have time," Castiel answers, and it's blissfully true.

It's still the beginning of the semester, and as such, he doesn't have much work to do outside of going to his own classes, holding office hours, and attending lectures to ensure that he's on the same page as the professors for whom he is TA-ing. He's currently enrolled as a graduate student, working toward a Ph.D. in Anthropology with emphasis in cultural anthropology. He may have enjoyed math enough to major in it as an undergraduate, but he's sure he doesn't need or want to know any more on the subject.

Before Anna can answer, the door to Castiel's apartment swings open. "Cas, man, there's something—" Dean starts, and Castiel turns to look just in time to see him freeze, a hand still on the door, in the process of pushing it shut. "Oh, Anna. Um."

"Hello, Dean," Castiel says.

"Dean," Anna acknowledges.

Castiel opens his mouth but pauses, uncertain. Is he supposed to turn one of them away now? They certainly don't seem pleased to be sharing the same space.

"I was just gonna ask if you wanted to share the pie," Dean says, holding up the tin that Castiel gave him last night.

"No, thank you," Castiel answers. "I've had enough pie to last me a lifetime." Castiel doesn't like wasting food, after all, and someone had had to finish off the unsuccessful pies that he'd baked in preparation for Dean's birthday.

"Dude, that's not possible," Dean says. Castiel only shrugs in reply. "Suit yourself. I'll just head out, then. See you later, Cas."

"Goodbye, Dean."

Dean exits the room hastily. Castiel sits with Anna in the uncomfortable silence left behind and wonders when this will all finally blow over.