The hour drive from my apartment to Charlie's proved pure torture. I was my own worst enemy, my brain was working on overdrive. A million thoughts, all of Edward running nonstop. None of it made sense to me, one second I hated him, the next I adored and missed him. What he had done made no sense to me. Why bother dragging me up to Vermont, acting the way he did while we were there, just to blow me off and go back to Tanya? Why did he bother to try to talk to me last night? If he was really the heartless bastard I assumed he was then why even try to explain, why not just let it be??
I finally decided, I would hate him. God willing I would never have to see his face again, but if I did, I needed to hate him. If I didn't hate him, hate him with every fiber of my being, my heart would never stop hurting. I'd never stop thinking about the way his lips felt on mine. Every time I closed my eyes, I'd still see his, staring back at me. Those things I couldn't survive. I couldn't survive wondering what if, I couldn't survive thinking maybe if I just knew the whole story things would be different. I couldn't survive not hating him. He was Sam, everything about him was Sam, and I would push Edward out of my mind exactly the way I had done with Sam.
The world surely wasn't going to stop turning while I had a melt down over a man whom I obviously meant nothing to. It was time to get back to my normal life. Eyes on the prize, one year left and I could leave Boston, leave Harvard, Sam, and Edward forever. So much for living like everyone thought I should. I knew what was best for me, I knew it all along, but now no one could say I didn't try.
Having figured out those few things, I felt a bit more at peace when I pulled into Charlie's driveway. At peace enough to walk into my father's house and not cry on his shoulder like I was 10 years old again, wanting my daddy to make everything better. Enough to go inside, smile and pretend like nothing ever happened.
"Bella!!" Charlie smiled as I walked inside.
"Hey pop! How are you feeling?" I sighed as he hugged me, I needed a hug from my dad, I might be 22, but sometimes acting like a little girl is just what you need.
"I'm good. How are you?" He pulled away looking me over. "You still look too thin."
I laughed. "Pop, I've been the same size since I was 18, I'm only loosing weight in your aging imagination."
"I don't know, aren't girls supposed to gain weight when they go to college?" He fumbled, obviously not knowing how to properly express his concern.
"So you'd feel better if I were chubby?" I chucked as I started to wash the few dishes in the sink.
"No." he sighed. "I just worry about you Bells."
"I know pop, but I'm ok." I lied.
"So I talked to Leah this morning." he hesitated. "She and her mom stopped in."
I froze for a second, but then relaxed remembering she hadn't been with Emmett last night. "Oh, well that's nice."
"Yeah, it was good to see her. I'm really glad you two worked things out. Maybe you guys can be roommates or something when you finally get to NY, that's where she wants to go too right?"
"Yeah, me too. It's good to have her in my life again." I glanced back at him and smiled. "I dunno about the roommate thing, I mean if anyone, it would definitely be Leah, but I think I'd like to live by myself for a change."
"Well, there's still time to figure that out." He trialed off, his mind obviously somewhere else.
"You ok pop?" I asked concerned.
"Yeah…" he started fiddling with a paper on the table as if he were nervous about something. "Are you sure you're ok?"
"Yeah pop, I'm fine why?" I was starting to get concerned.
"Well, Leah just mentioned that this new boyfriend of hers had mentioned some things about your friend Alice's birthday party last night. She was worried about you."
I barely noticed the place in my hand slipping back into the water, I was more concerned with my stomach that had just dropped to the floor. This was supposed to be my retreat, my safe place, where I could just be happy and not have to deal with last night, or Edward in general.
"Oh, well I don't know why. I mean Alice's party turned out nice, she had a great time." I was hoping I could get away with this, maybe Leah hadn't given details, I was going to kill Jake, he must have been the one who told her. "You should have seen how surprised she was, it was hilarious. Jasper really did a great job." I faked a laugh, hoping he'd buy it.
"Well, I'm glad it was nice. Alice is a nice girl." he smiled half heartedly "Leah just said you and that Edward fellow had a fight, so I just wanted to make sure you were ok."
So much for hoping for no details. I took a deep breath, holding back my breakdown. "Eh, it was nothing. I mean nothing major ya know."
"Are you two still dating?"
Emotion was bubbling up quickly, but I was giving everything I had to hold it in, I did not want to lose it in front of Charlie, or to explain why I was breaking down over someone I wasn't even serious with. I could feel myself rapidly losing the battle, my knees were wobbly, so I grabbed the edge of the sink for support, hoping he wouldn't notice, embarrassed at how weak I was being.
"Umm, no. I mean we were never really dating just more friends I guess." It was true enough, no need to go into how I got carried away and ended up feeling way more than he did.
"Oh, I thought you really liked this guy. I mean with the way Jake talked…" He decided not to finish, maybe noticing my feeble attempts at trying to not show emotion, or perhaps just not wanting to pry.
"Just a guy. You know I'm not focusing on dating right now." I figured that was my best angle to work if I wanted him to drop it. He knew how set I was on my plans, so it wouldn't be hard to imagine I wouldn't bother getting worked up on some guy.
"Yeah I know." He smiled. "So I was thinking we could go out for dinner tonight. You're always cooking for me when you come over. It'd be nice for you just to relax for a change, let me take care of you."
"Whatever you want pop." I smiled.
"The dinner sound good?"
I laughed. "Yes, that's fine." As if he'd ever go anywhere else. "Steak, potatoes, and berry cobbler?"
"You know it." He winked, and then went into reading the Sunday paper.
I finished washing the dishes extra slow, using the time with my back to Charlie to let a few tears slip out and then recompose myself.
I had finished the dishes, pop was still grumbling over the news. "I think I'm gonna go in the living room and study a bit."
"Ok, I'll be in, in a little while." He said, not looking up for the paper.
I flopped on the couch, and took out my Law and Ethics text book, knowing there was no hope on concentrating, but I was gonna try.
Six hours later, I had barely made it through one chapter, my mind was buzzing with everything except for school. But I had come to some pretty definite decisions, and was intent on not wasting anymore time dwelling on Edward.
"About ready to go Bells?" Charlie limped into the living room, still tucking in his flannel shirt.
"Huh…oh." I snapped out of my thinking and checked the clock, 6 pm, obviously time for dinner. "Yeah, just let me go to the bathroom real quick and I'll be ready." I smiled.
I quickly ran up the stairs to the tiny bathroom, and looked at myself in the mirror. I looked like hell, no wonder Charlie was worried. I thought before splashing some cool water on my face, hopefully bringing some life back to it.
"Ready whenever you are." I smiled as I bounced off the last step.
The drive to the dinner was quick. Getting anywhere in this tiny town was quick. We quickly picked out a booth in the back when we got inside. The same booth we always sat in for as long as I can remember.
The round waitress made her way over to our table to get our drink order, we ordered our food as well. This was the only restaurant Charlie had been willing to come to for at least the past 10 years, so there was no need for a menu, we both know what we'd be getting. She smiled and wrote down our order. Then, only a few minutes before she brought our drinks to the table.
I took a quick swallow of my coke before talking. "So, I think I'm going to quit at the bar."
"Really?" Charlie's face lit up.
"Yeah. There's a bookstore right off campus, they've been hiring for a while. I know the manager and she said if I wanted the job I could have it. They pay is actually a little better, hourly anyway. Working nights all the time is kind of draining me." Part of that was true. The rest, the fact that I was afraid of Edward coming into the bar, or Sam coming into the bar Charlie didn't need to hear.
If I was going to do this, I had to do it completely. I loved working at the bar, I loved working with Alice and Jake. But Sam hadn't stopped calling me since Vermont and I knew he'd be popping in soon. The odds of Edward showing up were a lot slimmer, but I still didn't want to deal with it.
"Well, that's great Bells." Charlie smiled. "You know I've hated you working there, the change will be good."
"Yeah I think so." I smiled at how happy he was.
Dinner was nice, I was feeling better, knowing I was giving myself closure with Edward, cutting off all ties. Well the ones that were able to be cut anyway. Obviously Leah , Jake, and Alice were still going to be my best friends, so Jasper and Emmett would be around, but that wasn't so bad. They seemed to understand and never brought up Edward if they could avoid it. Charlie and I chatted light heartedly as we ate. It was nice to just sit and talk to him, it always made me feel better. He pouted a little when it was time for me to leave, but he knew I'd never agree to move back, so he didn't push it as much anymore.
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The next day I called my friend at the book store, and she assured me the job was mine, so that night I gave Rich my two weeks notice. I almost backed out, when I told Alice. She pouted, and actually cried, saying we'd never get to see each other anymore. But she calmed down after I promised nothing would change, and she could still drag me along shopping. Jake understood my reasons why without me ever having to tell him. Sometimes, he knew me better than I knew myself. Plus he knew nothing would change, hell I had moved to the opposite end of the country and we were still attached at the hip.
For the first time since Alice's party I felt something other than worry and sadness. I was excited. It was like another fresh start. A chance to get my head back on straight, put my focus back on school. I needed to start applying for internships, get ready for the life I'd spent so much time planning. If I could just keep my eyes forward and keep breathing, this would all be over with in no time. Edward Cullen wouldn't even exist to me. I knew the last part was a lie, but I thought maybe if I said it enough, I'd believe it. He would always exist, the person I thought he was would always exist anyway. The person who treated me like no one ever had. The gentleman. The man who made me laugh, he would exist. I would force myself to hate him, but he'd still exist. I'd rather he didn't, but as long as I hated him, I could live with it.
Ok, another chapter down!! Next chapter we'll be jumping ahead 3 years I believe. Bella will be done with school, living and working in NYC, and lots of surprises coming her way!! Hope everyone is still enjoying the story!! I'm sorry for how some of the chapters are in all bold, and some are all underlined. I really have no idea why, they aren't like that on my program, but when I add them to the story some reason that's how they show up! As always, feel free to review and let me know what you're thinking!!