Tissue Alert! Tissue Alert! Possibly some comfort food and a teddybear. I've been told it's a tear jerker!
A thousand thank you's to my pre reader devonmaid76. I had a lot of trouble with this chapter and had to totally re-write it. She is awesome, gave me a ton of great ideas and kicked me in the right direction. I send her many "Claude cuddles" Thanks for everyone who reviews and follows this story. I own nothing.. Ms. Harris owns it all...
Enjoy fellow Viking lovers!
Chapter 21 Eric's POV.
She accepts my request and I begin to share with her all that I been withholding. I am well aware that this maybe the last chance I have to share my feelings with her. I pray to the Gods to give me the strength to lay my heart at her feet. I have nothing else to offer her but the truth.
"Sookie, I want to thank you for loving me. I feel I do not deserve it but I thank you for it. I love you as well; very much. I have loved you from the first night we met and I was just too blind to see it. As I reflect back on the last few years it is clear to me now that this is true. I have loved you since those fateful first words. When you answered my question of 'aren't you sweet' and you uttered 'not really', I fell in love. I honestly believe that I did not have a choice and you were destined to have my heart. I hated that you were with Compton. I was confused to why this troubled me deeply and the cause was simply because you were with him and not me. The more time we spent around one another the more I felt the pull to be near you. I wanted you sexually, of course, but there was something else as well; something I did not recognize. In Dallas when you could have been shot I panicked. I didn't think; I just reacted. I had to save you. I was stunned that you sucked the bullet from my chest. I knew it was wrong of me to trick you but it also gave me comfort for you to have my blood in your veins. I never imagined it would make me feel so much closer to you. It was then that I came to realize I wanted to have a blood bond with you. I wanted to share everything I felt and I longed to feel what you were feeling. When you planned to go to Jackson I was nervous. I am never nervous. I was afraid to let you out of my sight. Again you had to take my blood and not by choice but out of necessity. I wanted to be with you and was furious that you were searching after Compton. It was quite shocking to learn that I 'Eric Northman' was jealous. I can have any woman I want. Who were you to deny me? I don't beg or chase women for anything. They fall at my feet, but not the one I wanted. No, not Sookie Stackhouse! Rhodes was a turning point for me. I finally got what I wanted. I was ecstatic! We were bonded. I secretly wanted it so much. In my mind I was rejoicing but the other small voice in my head was shouting out at me that I was wrong to be joyful because of how it happened. I was not emotionally prepared to tell you that I was in love with you but in my mind at the time all I saw was that I finally had you. You were mine. When you chose the Tiger over me reality set in. Yes, we were bonded but you did not choose me. You did it because I was the lesser of two evils. I was angry and petrified. If I told you about the bond I would risk pushing you further away. If I didn't tell you I feared you would come to resent me for the actions I took to keep you safe. I was at a loss as to what to do. So, I did nothing. I acted like a coward and ignored the situation. When I was cursed and living at your home I finally felt at peace. The week we were together is the happiest time in my existence. It felt so natural. It was best and it was right. I am glad I regained my memories. I would never want to forget the first time we made love. When I awoke with no memories I was confused to why I felt you in our bond so intensely. Even though I was not aware of what was going on I was grateful that I felt so close to you. I tried to talk to you and you then dismissed me and went off to work. I wanted you to tell me what was going on. I trusted you and I would have believed you. You withheld all the information and emotions that we had shared. I couldn't figure out what I had done to upset you to such a point that you would not share anything with me. I felt your longing for me and couldn't understand why your actions were hurting me so profoundly. Finally I regained my memories. I had already acknowledged that I had grown to have feelings towards you prior to this but to remember just how intensely I loved you distressed me. I am Vampire! I'm not capable of that kind of emotion. It goes against everything I have fought to become. I am built to survive not play house with a human. I struggled to find the balance between what was in my nature, the hunter, the killer, the survivor, and the man who now had been overcome with emotion because he fell in love. After a thousand years I was feeling human emotion. I had never been in love before. I had grown to love Aude, but I was never 'in' love with her. It was not easy to return to my normal existence with these memories. Life had become very lonely. I had Pam and my duties but I did not have you. You continued to fight any connection we had. You blamed the bond, you blamed your blood and you blamed me. You would never listen when I tried to explain anything to you. You hated the bond but you would hide behind it and blame it for any feelings you had towards me. I am just as stubborn as you are Sookie. Our lack of experience is not so different. I had never been bonded to another. I had never been in love. I was and am as scared and confused as you. I wanted to find a way to set things right between us and then things with DeCastro got worse. If I hadn't pledged to you he would have taken you. I did want us to take the next step in our relationship. I wanted to be your husband. Again, it was a doubled edged sword. I got what I wanted but not the way I wanted it to happen. I wanted you to choose to be my wife. I was afraid if I gave you the option you would have fought me and it would then become too late. I am proud to call you my wife. You are the only woman I would ever choose to marry. I may have done this to protect you but never the less, I wanted it. Time after time we were forced to take the next step in our relationship together by the actions of other people. Your heart and soul is what I love about you and to see you do anything against your will rips me apart inside. Your kidnapping and torture are very difficult for me to discuss. I failed you and if I survive another thousand years I will never forgive myself for not being able to rescue you. I felt every plea and cry you sent me through the bond. I prayed to the God's for them to allow me to suffer for you. I am unable to convey to you how sincerely I regret that I was unable to prevent what you had to go through. Unfortunately things progressively got worse. I was ready to grab you and run. There were so many dangers coming at us all at once. I couldn't let my guard down for one minute. I had a plan and was waiting for the right moment to move forward. The night of our fight, I was so frustrated. I kept having set back after set back in trying to take care of the Nevada issue. I needed you to help me forget about it for just a little while. I needed us to be strong unit. I needed your love. There could have never been a worse time for you to choose to break the bond. Things were so tense that I was preparing to send you to Denmark at a moments notice. I was risking my own existence and all of those in my area and you decided that you needed to break the bond. I was livid. I could feel your fear of me and I enjoyed it for some sick twisted reason. A part of me reveled in hurting you as much as I was hurting and for that one moment I didn't care that you were hurting and confused and scared. It was irrelevant! All I could see was a "lesser" being telling me that I wasn't good enough. How dare you! After everything that I had done for you and you reject me! In that one moment it did not matter that you didn't know what I had done for you or even how the bond worked. After all, why on earth should I be answerable to you, I am Eric Northman! I do not answer to a woman! I thought that if I told you that you would be dead to me and I would never have anything to do with you that I could force you into staying with me through guilt or fear. I didn't care I just wanted you to want me as much as I wanted you. I didn't understand why the bond didn't bring you as much comfort as it brought me. It didn't matter that I was being manipulative. I didn't even recognize it as manipulation at that moment. I was losing everything I held dear and I hated you for it with every fiber of my being. I was simply just a broken man. My world was falling down around at my feet and nothing I did to grasp it was working. I returned home that evening and began to calm down. I became aware that my explosion was going to push you further towards your decision to break the bond. I realized I had made a grave mistake. Dawn was coming so quickly. I wanted the chance to beg you for your forgiveness. I wanted to tell you everything. I needed you know the severity of the situation and how desperately I loved you. I went to rest knowing that I had lost you. I have no words to express how I felt once I realized this. After you broke the bond, I did the only thing I could from there. I pushed you out of my heart. I forced myself to believe that I didn't care for you. I convinced myself that if I pushed all my feelings away that the hole you had left in my heart would begin to close and all the while all I wanted to do was to hold you in my arms. I fought hard to protect you and I won. I made sure you were safe. You had guards around you every moment of the day. I sent Bubba to be your main guard. I needed someone I could trust and knew he would not fail you. I finally was able to relax the takeover was successful and then I found out that you married the Shifter. I could not understand how you could have married him so soon after our relationship had ended. I fought so hard for you! No one would hurt you again but also no one would be allowed to hurt other innocent people. I wanted you to be proud of me. I fought so that I could be the man you needed and wanted me to be. You repaid me by marrying the Shifter. Again it didn't' matter that you did not know I had done all these things for you. I was so angry and so devastated. I reasoned with myself that you had only married the Shifter so that you could have children. I began the daily ritual of convincing myself that I was not the man for you. I could never spend the day with you and would never father your children."
"I apologize for Pam's actions during this time. I had no idea that she glamoured those women into believing that they had been intimate with me until after she had done so and then I made her track down the women and remove the false memories. I regret that this hurt you so. I did not know you had 'heard and seen' the result of her thoughtless actions. I made a promise to you to remain faithful. I would not disrespect you in that way. I waited and waited to find out that you had been intimate with the Shifter or someone else. I'm ashamed to say that I was having you watched for this. I knew your marriage to him was a sham and I was still too proud to confront you or him about this. I could not understand your reasoning behind keeping the façade going and never telling others of your marriage to him. Time continued on, each night I rose and every day I went to rest with thoughts of you. I never for one moment stopped loving you. I was extremely concerned when Mr. Cataliades contacted me. I thought for certain that the council was going to have me charged with neglect for not taking care of your needs. I have no excuse for my reasoning in abandoning you. After I saw the video of your conference with King Leif I realized the severity of how all the things in the past has affected you. All of us involved deserve to be punished for this Sookie. We left you on your own to deal with situations you were not prepared for. I look at you and see how ill you have become because of others and because of me. I see the beautiful soul we have used and manipulated. I am ashamed. I failed you time and time again. I can never be worthy of your love after how I discarded you."
"I assume all responsibility for our failures. Sookie I want you to know that there is nothing you have done in the past that needs to be forgiven. It was cruel of me to tell you that I would never forgive you for breaking the bond; especially when I pushed you into your attempt to break the bond. I told you that you could always talk to me about anything. I broke that promise and let fear get the best of me. I am sorry for everyday that I have allowed to pass without you knowing how deeply I care for you and how special you are to me. You may not believe me but I did have a plan to win your heart from the very start. I regret all the things I allowed to get in the way. I regret every time I did not share information with you that affected both of us. I regret not making you aware of how the supernatural world is. I regret not being patient with you. If I could change the past I would. I never wanted to hurt you. I sincerely regret every time I made you cry. The situation was getting worse and the last thing I wanted was for us to lose our bond. I was afraid of not knowing every emotion you were having because I was afraid they were going to kidnap you or worse kill you. I had never been so scared in my long life Sookie. Please understand that I would have done anything to keep you safe. Is this not how you felt during the bombing in Rhodes? Did you not risk you very life for me? Would you have stopped at nothing in your efforts to save me? I am sorry these explanations are coming too late and that I never had the courage to tell you all of this to you before. I know you are leaving and plan on possibly never returning. I want to give you two things I should have given you a long time ago. Can you give me a minute to get them from my room? "
If I am ever going to gain her forgiveness I need to give her back her free will. She will decide who she loves, who she marries. She will control her life not others. I hate that I have made her cry again. I hope one day I will no longer be the reason she cries and I hope that I can be there to stop others from causing it as well.
"Yes I will wait right here." Her voice is so soft. I can hear it trembling with sorrow.
I quickly gather the ceremonial knife and the engagement ring I purchased for her long ago. I hope I can explain this to her properly. I do not wish for her to think that I do not want her.
"Sookie may I kneel in front of you?"
She nods her head as her indication of approval. I place the items on the floor and take her hands in mine. Almost as it if is automatic; I begins to rub circles on the back of her hands. I have longed to touch her. I lower my head toward my chest and begin my plea for forgiveness.
"Sookie, in my human or Vampire life I had never been in love until you. I love you with all that I am. You are in my very soul and shall remain there until I am no longer of this earth. You are my one true wife and lover. There will never be another to enter my heart. I beg you with all that I am to forgive me for all that I have allowed to happen at your expense. I assume all responsibility for the failure of our marriage. I beg you to forgive me and not submit the petition to end our pledging. If you wish to end our marriage I will return to you the ceremonial knife. This will show the Supe community that it was me that failed you. If you file the petition it will reflect as if you failed me. I do not wish for you to take the blame. I was unable to provide what you needed. I should have supported and loved you enough to set my needs aside. If you wish to end our pledging, please give this to Claude and he will understand what needs to be done. I also have something I purchased for you a long time ago; it was after I regained my memories. I am in no way asking for your hand in marriage, not because I do not desire to be married to you, but I simply want to give this to you. It's is yours and if nothing else it can be a reminder of the love we once shared. I would also like for us to go through the healing ritual. I want to return your energy and you to be well again. Please allow me to do this. I will also do whatever Doctor Ludwig requires us to do to repair the bond so that you may heal."
I lowered my one hand to pick up the little blue and white box and place it in her palm. She raises her eyes to mine. He face is streaked with tears and I can feel the red tears flowing down my face. Her trembling hand squeezes my hand and she begins to shake her head. Her voice is nothing but a whisper and trembles with every word she is trying to speak.
"Is this what you want? Do you…. Do you really want this to be over Eric?"
I need her to choose me. If I have to let her go... oh I don't want to let her go. Please Freya! I will give my life, my blood anything that you desire. I cannot let her go.
"I want you more than I have ever wanted anything. I failed you and I cannot give you the dream life you want. I cannot ask you to settle for me. I love you too much for that. If I could change and become what you need I would. My life is yours to do as you wish, but I am not human Sookie. I could never give you children. I could provide you a way to conceive with modern medicine or we could adopt but I know it's not truly what you want. I will love you for the rest of your time here on earth and for the rest of my existence. I do not wish for this to be over but if I must walk away for to be happy I will; I love you enough to let you go."
She is sobbing. Her hands are gripping mine; almost as if I was her life preserver and she is in fear of drowning. I want to save her and protect her. I long to comfort her; to wrap her up in my arms to escape the pain and torment our hearts are in.
"Sookie, you plan on leaving tomorrow correct?"
She struggles through her tears to voice her response
"Yes Eric I am leaving on a vacation and then I need to decide about Denmark."
I cannot resist leaning in and wrapping my arms around her waist. I lower my head to her lap and begin to beg while I weep. I need to let her go but I can't. I need her. I love her. I, Eric Northman, beg.
"Please… I will not ask you to stay. I will not beg you to stay here. Please! Please! Take me with you. Let me go where you go. I beg of you. Do not make me be without you. I will not ask you not to stay here; I only ask for you to take me along. I do not care where we go or what we do. Please Sookie allow me one chance to make this right. Forgive me and let me prove to you that I can be the man you need. I will let you go if I must but I will give my life to you for another chance. I will my honor promise I made you long ago. I will give up my position. I will get a job; you will not have to be alone. I will love you and care for you"
Her chest heaves from her sobs. Her body is coiled over top of me. We are clinging to one another in desperation.