An AU where Lapis, Peridot, Jasper and the rest of the Crystal Gems are a team of journalists. (You guessed it, Garnet is the Boss.)

Generic Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, Steven Universe belong to its respective owner.

LIL LAPPY'S POV CHAPTER

WARNING: THIS CHAPTER IS ANGSTY AND CONTAINS SELF-HARM.

"Dialogues"
Inner thoughts
-o-o-o-o- page break
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Chapter XXI: Without You

I took a single agonizing breath.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Ok, doing good.

I opened my eyes and looked around my room, the amount of clutter have increased drastically. Empty cup noodle containers littered the floor, together with used clothes and beer cans… At least I've made it sure to ingest something and not starve myself to death.

I slowly got out of bed as I look at the digital clock on my side table to confirm the time, my feet brushed over a beer can which send it toppling on its side before rolling and spilling left over beer all over the floor.

Great.

I carefully made my way around the sea of garbage on my floor, the poor lighting inside my room making everything more difficult that supposed to be. I prefer to keep the curtains down… it's actually been a few days since I've seen actual sunlight…

A few days? A few weeks? I can't really tell…

I felt miserable since the time I last saw Peridot, her cold expression still engraved into my mind as I felt another wave of dizziness coupled with the painful contracting of my heart. I quickly made my way to the bathroom, incase this was not just me feeling like I'm gonna vomit my guts.

As usual, it was just my head playing tricks on me as I heaved nothing into the bathroom sink. I washed my mouth anyways, as if that will help tear away the feeling from my stomach. I stared at myself in the mirror. I look like shit.

My eyes were red and puffy with huge eye bags underneath them. My hair is a mess, the once flowing blue locks now grime-y and stiff as it stuck in every direction. Maybe I should fix myself today…

I leisurely made my way back to my room, making sure to not slip on the spilt beer on the floor to retrieve my towel before making my way back into the bathroom. I moved slowly with everything, not like the people at work are forcing me to go to the office.

My coworkers are actually pretty thoughtful, allowing me to stay in from that day and constantly checking up on me to ensure that I haven't killed myself. I laughed at the thought, it's not like I'm gonna kill myself over something like this.

I scrubbed shampoo unto my hair, the menthol giving off a relaxing coolness as it settled on it. I turned on the shower and freezing water came pelting down my head and my shoulders, the coldness chilling my bones and numbing my brain.

After a thorough cleaning I stepped out of the bathroom feeling renewed, a towel wrapped securely around me as I took another one to dry my hair on. I was about to grab some new clothes when the door to my room opened, the light from outside flooding inside and stinging my eyes.

I let out a silent hiss as the person by the door stuttered out a response. "O-ooh sorry for not knocking I didn't know you were up and about just come out when you're already dressed bye." I sighed as I waved her in with the arm I was not using to cover my eyes.

"Just get in here Pearl, the light is burning my eyes." Pearl nervously walked inside my cluttered room, her nose scrunching as she carefully maneuvered to not step at anything. I silently dressed, letting my towels down the bed which made Pearl fidget in her place.

"I'm happy to see you up and about but please Lapis, at least let me clean your room. It's really… messy." Pearl had a pleading look in her face, her uncontrollable habit of cleaning and organizing getting the better of her.

Well I was in a good mood today so might as well. I shrugged as I collected the beer bottles and handing them to her, to which Pearl responded without missing a beat, grabbing a trash bag from the corner of the room to put them inside.

"Since you're already dressed and bathed, why not go out with us today? You know, Jasper has been really worried about you." I continued gathering the trash as I hummed in response, to which Pearl perked up.

I felt oddly okay today… like I finally got over everything. I smiled to myself, this was a step to improvement. I'm not giving up… but how can I fight for her if I can't even function like a normal human being. I wiped my forehead as I picked up the last cup noodle container, the room looked… clean.

Pearl dragged the garbage bag to the door before looking at me with hopeful eyes. "Care to go out?" I nod my head as I smiled, it wasn't just the trash bag… it was about me getting out there. I shielded my eyes as the sunlight once again came to blind me, but it stung less than it did before.

And just like that I'm out of my room, my solitude. Pearl smiled approvingly at me and I felt… happy. "Let's go to the office." I declared out loud, at first Pearl looked shocked but she smiled warmly at me as we made our way out of the door.

Inhale.

Exhale.

I'm okay.

We made it to the office, our arrival causing a lot of heads to turn our way. Jasper walked slowly from her table, as if fearing that I would disappear in any given moment.

"Lapis… you're back." I was suddenly lifted off the ground and crushed into a bear hug, helplessly wheezing as Jasper's hug knocked the wind out of me. I hugged her back as much as I could in my current position, feeling the warmth in my heart as the rest of the gang circled around me.

We spend time just talking and Pearl even suggested to get pizza, Amethyst was all for it but Pearl? It baffled me to no end. The atmosphere was light as we let out laughs as Amethyst and Jasper told an obviously exaggerated story.

"Okay, I need someone to help me carry Peridot's things up front. She'll be arri— Lapis…" The door suddenly opened as Garnet walked into the door, she stopped midsentence as she stared at me, my blood went cold at the mention of her name.

Wait… moving out? Arriving?

"Garnet, what do you mean carry them up front? What's going on…?" I felt my arm slacken from its place on Jasper's shoulder, my expression stiffening up as the whole office stopped in silence.

Garnet sighed, adjusting her glasses up the bridge of her nose before calmly continuing. "Peridot will arrive to get a few of her things, she'll be transferring and she had a few work necessities that she left here."

Nothing mattered, she's going here and I'll see her. I can talk to her.

"Garnet, let me see her…" The whole office remained silent.

"Please, just… let me convince her to go back." I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned to see Amethyst, slightly shaking her head. "I NEED TO SEE HER. PLEASE LET ME SEE HER." I thrashed around angrily, my coworkers holding me back as Garnet walked pass me to get the items herself.

"Lapis, I know you're hurting but know that Peridot is hurting the same way as you are. You just have to believe in her." I felt tears stinging my eyes once again, I looked at all my coworkers around me, each and everyone of them avoiding eye contact as I did so.

They know… They've known.

The bitter taste of betrayal worked its way up my throat as I felt the strength to pull my arms free and dash out of the office. No one dared to follow me and as the elevator slowly descended lower, I could feel myself slipping.

I thought this was going to be a good day, I thought it was the day I finally get my life back on track… I thought that maybe after that I would gain a level head to confront everyone about the issue to get her back…

I was wrong.

Inhale.

Exhale.

I'm—

I sprinted to my apartment, hastily throwing myself in as soon as I unlocked the door. I fell down on my knees. My hand makes its way up my throat to scratch on the skin there and down to my chest, leaving angry red marks in its wake.

Inhale.

Exhale.

I'm not okay…

And now I felt the weight slam back into my chest in full force, leaving me gasping for air as my chest tighten once again.

I'm not okay…

I sluggishly closed the door, dragging myself across the living room, up the stairs and finally inside my room. I looked around the now clean room, the clutter has been gone but the curtain still remained drawn which made the room cold and dark.

I reached inside the drawer of my side table and took a pair of scissors inside. As long as it's sharp it's okay. I sat on my bed as I swiftly skid the scissors on my wrist, leaving a shallow red mark.

It wasn't really that painful… and that's fine by me. As a matter of fact I hated pain more than anything. I gave a mirthless laugh as I took another swipe on my wrist, earlier this morning I just said to myself 'It's not like I'm gonna kill myself over something like this.'

I remembered saying the same thing to a dear friend of mine. 'It's not like I'm gonna cut myself… No matter what happens in not gonna cut myself.' And yet here I am now. It was really ironic…

My hands fell limply on the bed, the scissors burying somewhere in the folds of the blanket. I just felt tired, the minor throbbing on my wrist in tune with my pulse.

Too much for having a wholesome day, huh.

Just like that all the positive thoughts left me… and I was once again left with a gaping hole on my heart that stretch wider than it was before…

I just want her back…

I felt a few tears made its way down my cheek, increasing in volume as I curled into myself on the bed.

I just want her back…

It wasn't the first night I cried myself to sleep… and I guess this is not the last one either.
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Oooh snap! The longest chapter in the history of this fic... aaaaand it's about... self-harm. If my depiction of self-loathing, self harm and heartbreak are wrong please pardon me. Tho I based this stuff from what I've experienced and I'm not sure how accurate is that. By based I meant everything in this fic, even the... you know. Scissors has been my trusty friend.

Thank you soo much for reading. Please do leave comments and suggestions. See you peeps next week lmao