A/N: Thanks a lot for the encouraging comments and the following, it keeps me motivated.
Chapter 21
Letters
August – September 1998
Hermione POV
London the 30th of August 1998.
Dear Harry.
I owe you an explanation for leaving in such a hurry. The thing is, I have decided to leave the Wizarding World for now, and I might be leaving it for good. Ron has probably filled you in on our latest conflict, which was not pretty and caused my abrupt departure. In case he has not mentioned it already; I'm pregnant, and I'm also quite certain that Ron is not the father, because our relationship never went this far. Ron took it badly; as you might have realized by now. The child was conceived during the War, and I cannot and will not go into more detail than this. I'm counting on your discretion, as I would prefer as few people as possible to know about this.
I'm leaving because I've had it with the Wizarding World. Ever since my first day at Hogwarts I have been ridiculed due to my supposed inferior blood status. I've been treated like someone of inferior worth, despite my academic credentials. Leaving the Muggle world in favour of the Wizarding Society has cost me everything. It has cost me my health and almost my sanity. It has cost me my future, as I have spent my formative years waving a wand and brewing potions instead of taking a higher education. Most importantly it has cost me my family, because sadly I was not able to reverse the obliviation of my parents. Despite being assisted by experienced healers from the Wizarding Society of Australia, it was simply not possible to restore their memories without damaging their cognitive abilities. My parents will never meet their grandchild, because they haven't got the slightest idea that they even have a daughter. Furthermore, even though I played an important role in defeating the greatest threat to the Wizarding World since Grindelwald, I am currently disowned by the people I considered my Wizarding family due to mere boyfriend troubles. Gazing down at my arm, which is severely maimed by crudely cut letters that says Mudblood (in capitals, and with an enchanted dagger, preventing it from ever healing properly), I become more and more convinced that I have made the right decision. I'm leaving before more harm is done to me. I want my unborn child to grow up in a world that is safe and free of prejudices, and the only way of achieving this, the way I see it, is raising my child in the Muggle world.
Harry, you have always been like a brother to me, and apart from someone whose name I will not mention in this letter, you will probably be the only one I'm going to miss. I will forever be grateful that you gave me shelter without hesitation after the war. I feel bad for leaving you like this, but I'm at my wits end and see no other solution. My new address will have to remain a secret, because I cannot risk that anyone (especially Ron) spies on you, if you come to visit me someday. But luckily an owl always knows where to deliver a letter, no matter where people are hiding and I'm keeping my owl with me in the hope that we can continue writing one another. And some day, when I deem it safe, I might return.
I wish you all the best, Harry. I hope you can forgive me for acting so selfishly.
Hermione Jean Granger.
Grimmauld Place the 5th of September 1998
Dear Hermione.
I am devastated by your decision to leave the Wizarding world, and I beg you to reconsider. I too remember the many dangers we faced, but I remember happy times and adventures as well. We were a great team, the three of us, and it pains me that out little group is falling apart now. The war has taken its toll on all of us, and especially Ron has had a hard time adjusting. Joining the Auror Division has been challenging for him; he has difficulties obeying orders and getting along with his peers. Ron is a decent bloke underneath his recent outbursts; and I believe he will come around and admit his wrongdoings, if you just give him time. And I think the Weasley family will accept the situation in due time as well; Arthur, Ginny and Bill seem to disagree with Molly's harsh demeanour.
I'm sorry to hear about your folks, living without the support of loving and caring parents is hard, which I know better than anyone. It leaves an empty space inside of you. I never knew your parents well, but I remember them as kind and open-minded people, and I wish them the best.
Apart from the difficulties with Ron, I love being an Auror Trainee. It feels like something I was meant to do. Every morning I wake up, I jump out of bed immediately, ready to meet new challenges. It's so gratifying being able to use the skills I gained during the never-ending threats I faced at Hogwarts. There's still a lot of work to do after the War, some Death Eaters are still on the loose, and a lot of Dark Artefacts' are hidden all over Great Britain, posing a threat to the public, so I'll be busy for a while, which suits me fine.
Ginny, Neville and Luna have returned to Hogwarts to finish their NEWTS. Neville wants to specialize in Herbology, no surprise there. I have no idea what Luna wants to do when she's finished. She might join that crazy newspaper of her father's, if she's not caught up in hunting Nargles. And Ginny wants to be a professional Quidditch player, a difficult choice of career, but she's quite good. By Merlin's beard, I think she's amazing, but I might be biased. I consider asking her on a date, but I'm afraid she's angry with me for leaving her so abruptly last year. Hopefully she understands my reasons for doing so.
By the way, I testified on your behalf in Malfoy's Wizengamot Hearing while you were away in Australia, hope you don't mind? Giving that he risked his life helping you escape from the Manor back in March, I did not think it was right to let him rot in Azkaban. I don't particularly like him, but he's having a hard time adjusting as well. He's recently lost his father, and Mrs. Malfoy was severely harmed during the last days of the War. I often meet his friend from Slytherin, Blaise Zabini, at the Ministry, and he mentioned that Malfoy has taken his mother to a recreational facility in Romania.
I respect your reasons for abandoning the Wizarding World for a while, though it grieves me deeply. I will miss you dearly as a friend, but I also think your talent is wasted in the Muggle world. We have a great deal of mending and rebuilding before us here in Wizarding Great Britain, and your brains would be a valuable contribution to the task ahead of us.
I'm glad that we can stay in touch like this at least; though I would much prefer seeing you.
Love from Harry.
London the 15th of September 1998.
Dear Harry.
I miss you as well, more and more every day, but I'm not coming back anytime soon. I feel at peace here in the Muggle world. I am perfectly anonymous in my neighbourhood; nobody recognises me when I'm shopping or going about my daily business. I receive neither hero worship nor judgement.
I apologize for not being entirely honest in my first letter. My row with Ron was briefly mentioned, but what I did not mention was the fact that his reaction towards me had me deeply worried. He lost his temper completely and quite honestly, I felt threatened. I ended up pointing my wand at him to make him back down. Thinking back, several things about Ron have worried me lately. He often has a certain look in his eyes, as if he is possessed; some sort of malicious glare.
Sadly, I must admit that I carry some of the blame for our fallout, which Molly not so subtly pointed out in her howler to me the day after I left. My feelings towards Ron had changed entirely after my imprisonment at the Manor, and instead of being honest with him; I desperately tried to feed a passion that wasn't there. I wanted things to be the way they were, and I should have known better than that, the world is never static, as the saying goes, no man ever steps in the same river twice. Had I broken it off with Ron immediately, he might have acted differently.
Another reason that I left, is that I worry about my unborn child. Ron's foul temper is not the only threat. The creation of my child was yet another sick ploy from Voldemort (notice that I dare use his real name now, Harry) and frankly I worry that a stray Death Eater will abduct my child someday.
On a lighter note, I managed to convert my entire fortune in Gringotts to Muggle money. It's not much, but the honorary scholarship I received after the War should be enough to get me through a shorter education. And if everything goes according to plan, I will become a barrister's clerk in four years. It's not my dream job, but not too bad either, inasmuch as I have always been interested in law, both Wizarding law and Muggle ditto. I plan on finishing as many courses as I can before the baby arrives, then take a short break and continue my education with the help of a hired babysitter.
Good to hear that many of our friends and former DADA members are back at Hogwarts. There must have been a lot of rebuilding to do; the last time I saw the castle it was severely damaged. Concerning Ginny, I think you should ask her out. She has always had a crush on you; have faith!
Thanks for the update on Malfoy; I am glad and relieved to hear that you witnessed on my behalf, thus clearing him of all charges. And I fully agree; he does not deserve to go to Azkaban. Despite the manner of our parting, I bear no grudges towards him, and I wish him the best.
Hermione Jean Granger.
PS: If it is not too much to ask, could you owl me a few of vials of Calming Draught and Potion for Dreamless Sleep? I have tried some of the Muggle variants, but they're not nearly as effective and furthermore they are not healthy for the baby in large amounts.
Grimmauld Place the 17th of September 1998.
Dear Hermione.
Merlin, Mione, I am shocked and outraged to hear these new details about your stay at the Manor. Voldemort was stark raving mad beyond any measure; and I think I understand your need to hide better now. I prefer to think that the war is over, and mostly it is, but there are remaining Death Eaters in hiding, and if they learn, that your child was part of some scheme of Voldemort's, they might get ideas. I promise you I will not relent until the last Death Eater is caught and locked away in Azkaban for good, and I sincerely hope you will return by then. I am grateful that you trust me enough to confide in me, and I will not abuse your trust. However, if you have not already, I advise you to see a Mind Healer! Not that I don't have faith in your mothering skills (in fact I think you will become an excellent mother), but you might experience mixed feelings towards your child due to the way it was conceived.
I think I understand better now, why you were having difficulties being intimate with Ron. And I sincerely apologize on behalf of Ron for his threatening behaviour, which is inexcusable. I told him so after receiving your last letter, though I am sorry to say he did not take it well. Living with Ron has proven increasingly difficult. As you pointed out in your last letter, he is quick to anger, and furthermore he is jealous of me most of the time. He has serious problems with most of his co-workers at the Auror Division, and I worry that they will fire him if he does not improve. Hell, they had probably fired him already, had he not been part of the Golden Trio.
By the way, I asked Ginny out and she said yes. Wish me luck! She is outraged that Molly sent you a howler, Arthur is as well, and it has caused quite a division in the Weasley family.
The envelope contains the potions you requested. I took the liberty of diminishing them in order to fit more vials into the envelope, hope you don't mind. You can easily re-engorge them, and waving you wand occasionally, as you put it, might do you good. Don't hesitate to ask if there is anything else you need, it is really no problem at all. The fact that you need these potions makes me worry though. Don't you think you should return to the Wizarding World before the birth of the child? Is it even safe to give birth at a Muggle hospital?
Love from your dear friend, Harry.
Hermione placed the diminished potions at the table in front of her and studied them thoughtfully, as she sat curled into a comfy armchair in her small yet cosy flat in the suburbs of London. Harry was right, despite her wish to leave everything magical behind, she sure could do with a little wand waving now and then. Her magic needed release. And she was grateful to be able to keep Harry as a friend, even though they were just Pen Pals for now; receiving letters from him meant the world to her. Building a network in the Muggle world was slow and painstaking work and being now visible pregnant drove away many potential friends at the Law School. But if a child drives them away, they're not worth it anyway, she though, pursing her mouth into a prim line.Immense guilt flooded her mind at the thought of how she had abandoned Harry. He would never judge her and had always been supportive no matter what; he was always extremely faithful towards his friends. Without any complaints he had put up with the highs and lows of her relationship with Ron, her mood swings, his foul temper and all their bickering. And this was how she chose to repay him?! By leaving his house like a thief in the night...
"Ouch!" she exclaimed, immediately straightening up from her slumped position. The little parasite was getting bigger and livelier every day, and at this very moment her ribs were kicked forcefully.
"Take it easy, little bean," she said, caressing her growing belly tenderly, marvelling at the various fluid movements under her skin. It was like having an alien inside, albeit a harmless one, someone she was looking forward to getting to know one day.
Would the child take after Draco or her? Her mouth curled into a little smile as she tried to imagine Draco as a child. Judged from the way he behaved back at Hogwarts, he had probably been quite a handful. She tried to imagine a mixture of their looks, but imagination failed her. And how would he feel about siring a half blood wizard by the way? Did he still cling to his old pureblood beliefs, now that the war was over, and Voldemort defeated? He seemed to have left those beliefs behind somewhat, but nevertheless he had been raised believing in those things.
Should she tell him about this child or not? In a way she felt she ought to, but their forced sexual encounter had been no more his choice than hers. Closing her eyes in pain she remembered his harsh face as he abandoned her, handing her over to Harry and Ron like she was used goods, only hours after making love to her. Well here's your precious Gryffindor princess delivered in one piece. So, my job here's done. Sayo-fucking-nara, he had said, pursing his lips into his perpetual sneer. And yes, it had indeed been lovemaking, it had not been a simple act of fornication, but something intimate and beautiful, as much as she was loath to admit it to herself. And if she were ever to see his gaze again so filled with contempt, or hear the word Mudblood slip from his lips, she would break into a thousand pieces. Back at Hogwarts she could handle his sneering and crude words; she could handle his contempt and disgust of her blood status. But now, after they had been as intimate as two people can ever be, after she had trusted him and developed feelings for him, she just could not bear it. When they escaped the Manor, there was a moment, when she imagined the two of them as a couple. There had been a time when she had been willing to do everything to make him stay in her life, even if it meant facing the denouncement of her friends. Stupid, stupid girl, she chided herself. It would do her no good at all to think about what could have been.
And besides, Harry was right, she thought, as she was shifting her seat in order to ease the constant nagging pain in her lower back. Due to her child's controversial conception, stray Death Eaters and other lunatics could very likely try to kidnap the child or worse. Besides the child might be a squid, a likely possibility given that she was Muggle born. In fact, she almost hoped it would be a squib, several things would be easier this way. She would stay in hiding for her child's safety, as well as her own, until she deemed it safe to return to the wizarding world, which might never happen. Is should be easy to hide amongst 10 million other Londoners if she refrained from using magic as much as possible and stayed away from magical places. Someone like Ron would have a hard time finding her now, should he ever try, she thought, as she ran her fingers through her hair, with was now cut into a page and no longer chest nut brown but dyed into a deep mahogany colour.