Bea was walking up the stairs following Miles to doctor Westfall's office. She was mad, really – really – really mad. Last evening after the lock up mister Jackson showed up in H1 and wanted to talk to her. He had some interesting idea about using Allie as a bait to lure out Stewart or at least to convince the governor that their accusations might be true. Of course, it took Bea two seconds to realize who was behind this great idea. Needless to say, after he left she confronted the young woman and the conversation culminated in a fight. Allie ended up sleeping in her cell what caused that Boomer, Maxine and herself had to take turns on the sofa just in case.
Bea felt angry, cranky and upset. At least the disobedience wasn't public so she didn't have to punish Allie to show an example. But Bea was hurt nonetheless. Going behind her back? What was that woman thinking? Bea tried to convince Will at first that it was a bad idea but after being told that they will do it with her or without she had no other option than to join their effort. At least that way she can do her best to keep that crazy girl safe.
They have arrived at the office and Miles knocked and told doctor Westfall that Smith is ready for her session. When Bea walked in she went straight to the chair and sat down letting out a long sigh. Lately, she grows to like her sessions with the blonde psychologist. This room became a place where she could breathe easily and where she felt understood. It was a place where things were normal.
- How are you, Bea? – Bridget asked walking around her table and taking a seat in the chair next to the tired looking redhead.
- Could be better. – Bea said stretching her legs out and settling into the chair comfortably. After exchanging formalities and Bridget telling her news about Franky the redhead blurted out her anger towards Allie. Usually, she was a little bit more reluctant. Today it was different. Getting it all out of her chest made her feel a little bit better.
- Listen, all I can say is that you know Will, he will make sure she is safe. – Bridget said. – I know that shit can happen but maybe this is a good thing. The risk is not bigger than she is in already.
- Maybe. – Bea answered turning her head to the window. Bridget saw how her eyes roamed around taking the free world in as much as she could. She let her be for a while just watching her. After letting her anger out Bea calmed down, now she was more relaxed even if very far in thoughts or maybe exactly because of that.
- What are you thinking about? – she asked. Bea took her time and turned her head back slowly. It was clear that she was hesitating before opening her mouth.
- There was a fight in our unit not so long ago and something got stuck in my mind.
- What?
- That we are not family. We are not even friends probably. We are just closed together in here. Most of us would never meet outside let alone talk to each other. Nothing is real here.
- What do you mean, nothing is real?
- We are forced to be together, making bonds but they are not real. They are a just necessity. Nobody actually cares. It is all just fake.
- Did something happen? Are you talking about something in particular?
- No, I'm just thinking. – Bea shifted and looked sadly at the woman sitting in front of her. – If we were outside most of the women would never even talk to each other.
- Do you think about it often? About being outside?
- No, not at all. There is no point. I won't get out and even if I did nothing and nobody would wait for me there. I have no reason to dream about being outside. Actually, I think that being here is better for me. It is a different world it kinda separates me from my past and my pain.
- So, what brought up this thinking about stuff not being real here?
- For me life inside is real but for everyone else, it is just a temporary fleeting bad dream. You say that I have to open myself and be more receptive to emotions. But why would I? Why would I do that if those emotions are fake? We are not family, we are not friends. The moment they get out they will leave this world behind and their feelings too.
- I don't think that you are right. I think that not just for you as a lifer is this place real.
- Doreen was all about family. Sometimes she even called Liz mom and Maxine sis. And how did it ended? She betrayed us.
For the first time, Bridget saw that Bea is really lost. It seems that the top dog reached at the end of her persistence. Something got to her and she was confused and lost.
- I have an idea. – Bridget said. – Let's try something if you are up to it.
- What?
- There is one way how to make this clearer for you. – Bridget said. - You have to trust me and relax. Lay back get comfortable and listen.
Bea glared at the psychologist but obeyed. Stretching out in her chair she scooted little down and rested her head on the back of the chair.
- Imagine yourself outside. You are free, it is a nice and sunny Sunday afternoon. – Bridget paused for a little bit, letting the other woman get along. - Can you tell me where are you?
- Yeah, - Bea nodded. - I'm at the beach.
- Could you describe what you see? Where exactly are you?
- I'm laying on a lounger and behind me is a small fence. Debbie is next to me, she has huge sunglasses on. – Bea smiles and continues. – The air is fresh and smells salty. The house behind us is ours.
- Is there anyone else?
- Yeah, Maxine, she is swimming in the sea. The water is calm and she is doing laps.
- Who else is there? Where are Liz and Boomer?
- Liz is with her kids.
-How do you know that?
- She called me I assume, she spends every weekend with them.
- What about Boomer?
- I don't know. Haven't seen her and Sonia in ages.
- Look around what do you see? Is there anyone else?
- Yes. Franky, she is in the garden grilling some meat. You are distracting her, she will burn it.
Bridget blushed, she wasn't expecting that.
- That is all? Nobody else around?
- Yeah, that is all.
- Where is Allie? – Bridget asked.
- She is not here. – Bea said.
- Where is she?
Bea smiled.
- She is inside.
- What is she doing?
- I have to go and see. – Bea replied and then she is smiling again as she continues. – She is cutting veggies in the kitchen. Looks like she is making a salad.
- What do you... – Bridget couldn't finish her question because suddenly Bea's eyes shot open. She was looking like a deer caught in the headlight. Shear panic was set in her look and she was taking labored breath. – What is it? - Bridget asked. – What is going on?
- Nothing! - Bea almost yelled jumping off from the chair. – I have to go, we are done. – She said and without looking back she hurriedly left the office.
- What on earth? – she looked after the redhead literally running out. Well, this is Bea. One step forward two steps back. She was getting better in general. Lately, she was more willing to work and tried to talk and explain her point of view and feelings. It progressed. But she still freaked out and bailed when confronted with emotions. Bridget walked behind her desk and made notes, she will have to ask her about this next time.
XXX
Allie looked at Bea who was leaning against the wall across her. They were in the laundry supply room waiting for mister Jackson to show up. Since the fight two days ago Bea haven't said a word to her. She was not avoiding her just simply ignoring - until now. Five minutes ago she walked next to her saying:"Follow me." Allie did so and that is how she found herself here down in the basement throwing glances at the redhead.
The young blonde knows that she will have to apologize again. She did once already but then under Bea's scolding, she started defending herself what led to the fight and their current none speaking terms. Seeing how the older woman was looking absentmindedly in front of herself and staring a hole into the wall. It was clear that the apology won't help a lot and that she will have to do a lot of groveling before Bea will forgive her. Allie hated that the things between them were messed up again. She missed the older woman. Having to spend the last two days in her own bed has been a good reminder that their sleeping arrangement was temporary and it must have ended sooner or later. Worse thing than that was the silent treatment though. More than the warm bed and protective hold she missed Bea's smile and playful winks. Usually, she would often catch the top dog's eyes on her and they both smiled when their eyes found each other but now Bea made sure to avoid even looking at her. There was no playful banter or fleeing touches and Allie knew that this time it was really just her fault.
Quiet steps and shuffling got their attention pulling both women out of their heads. The door slowly opened. It was mister Jackson. He peeked in first and then walked in while turning around and making sure nobody followed him.
- Ladies, - he said moving closer and standing in front of Bea.
- So? – Bea asked leaving out the formalities.
- I already got the equipment we need. I will talk to Vera tomorrow morning so she won't be able to change her mind.
- Are you sure she will agree?
Mister Jackson nodded.
- Yes, I'm sure. She has nothing to lose just gain.
- Do I have to wear a wire? – Allie asked, stepping next to the guard.
- No, no wire. I will set up cameras here and one microphone. We will be able to see and hear you.
- Who will be involved? – Bea asked.
- Just us and the governor, plus two of my men which I'm sure that they are clean. – He said turning towards Allie. – Your only goal is to get him down here, alright? Don't try to pull out confession out of him or something. We just need a proof that he is an asshole so the governor will give me access and green light going after him.
- There is no point telling her that. – Bea growled out. – She won't listen to you anyway.
Allie wanted to snap back as her instinct told her to but thankfully her brain overruled that and she stayed quiet.
- I'm serious Allie. – Mister Jackson said. – No going off the script do you understand! Lure him down, make sure it is clear what he wants and as soon as I think we have enough I will call him on the radio so you don't have to… - he didn't finish. – I will monitor everything from the old office one floor above us. As soon as I will see him enter the room I will send one of my guys down here so he will be right behind the door in case something unexpected occurs.
Allie nodded.
- What about me?
- You will be in your cell, Bea.
The redhead laughed.
- No way!
The guard let out a sigh, he knew this would be a problem.
- Bea, I can't let you be there.
- Why not?
- Because you are obviously against this and your head is not in it. I don't need you to do something stupid. I told you my guys will be close, she will be safe. You would be just in the way. It will be better if you stayed out of it.
Bea shook her head and smirked. Her eyes were radiating anger and disappointment.
- Alright. – she said and before anyone could stop her she was out of the room.
- Fuck! – Allie cursed.
- What is up with her?
- What do you think? She is not happy being left out.
- This is for the best as you see she is like a ticking bomb.
- This whole situation is hard to her, she feels helpless and you just rubbed it in her face. Of course, she stormed out.
- She won't stay in her cell, will she?
Allie had no idea what Bea will do. Maybe she is so angry that she won't bother or maybe she will lurk around the hallways. God knows, but Allie was sure that she has to do something because one thing is clear – Bea Smith hates her guts at the moment.
- Why can't she stay with you mister J? You can cuff her to the table making sure she won't run out unexpectedly or something. Maybe she won't stresses if she can see on the cameras that everything is alright.
- That makes sense. I can keep an eye on her. – Will smile. - Stewart's shift ends at four so we will be ready one hour before that. Equipment will be set up before. From the moment Bea will leave you by yourself you will be on cameras. I will place one on the stairs and one in the hallway so we will see you before you even enter the room.
Allie nodded, she understood. She wasn't even nervous about it. Luring him down will be easy.
- Mister Jackson, just make sure you call him in time. I really don't want to, you know.
- I promise you, we won't let it happen.
They both knew that bigger issue is that Jake could strangle her before they even have a chance to get there but it was nice hearing some reassuring words.
XXX
Allie swapped the orange she was holding from her right hand to the left and knocked on the cell door. She waited and then knocked again. Finally, she heard a "come in" and she pushed the handle down while taking a deep breath. The young blonde was hoping that Bea won't yell at her. Stepping inside she saw the redhead sitting on her bed, leaning against the wall with the drawing pad on her lap.
- What do you want? – Bea asked coldly not bothering to lift her head. Allie sat down on the other side of the bed.
- I'm sorry Bea. – she apologized again. – I'm really sorry. I promise that I won't do it again. I know it was wrong and I feel bad about it. I just, I really wanted this to end and I still believe this could help.
- You got your wish. Good luck with it. – Bea said slowly and coldly.
- Mister Jackson agreed that you can be with him and watch everything on the screen.
Bea stopped drawing and finally lifted her head.
- I don't have to be there. There is no need, he was right.
Allie stopped playing with the orange and placed it on the shelf behind her. Obviously, Bea is still too angry and upset to hear out her apology.
- Are you ever going to forgive me? – she asked with a low voice. Bea said nothing, she felt betrayed and it hurt. Allie walked to the door grasping the handle but turning her head back.
- I need you there. – she said defeated and left the cell. Bea was watching the door for a while.
- Fuck! – she cursed as she let the drawing pad slid to the ground. Throwing herself back on the pillow she twisted the pencil between her fingers taking a deep breath. – Fuck! – she cursed angrily again. Allie Novak will be the death of her. What the actual fuck is going on! She was not angry with her, she was upset and hurt. When Allie went behind her back it felt like a betrayal. Will sidelining her was a blessing she really wanted to stay away from the blonde and whole this mess.
Bea tried calming herself down. Her mind was racing as hard as her heart. She felt hurt that Allie talked to Will, she felt hurt that Allie was upset now, she felt hurt that things between them were complicated again. Also, she was worried how it all will end tomorrow. But mostly she was confused. Everything seems so messy! She wants to be far away from the blonde and yet she got upset for Will saying she can't be there. As minutes passed and she calmed down at least somewhat she has realized what is the root of the problem. To be honest she knew it all along. Today's session with Bridget opened her eyes but confused her mind.
She could hear the psychologist asking "Where is Allie?". Bea covered her eyes with her left hand while still spinning the pencil with the other. She sighed going back to what she saw. Allie was inside. Bea knew it was all pretended and fake but now it was deeply embedded in her mind. It felt like a real memory. She saw herself walking up the porch and stepping inside after pulling the bug screen open. She immediately spotted the blue eyed blonde because the living room was open and the kitchen was behind it. The young woman wore a white, thin summer pants and sky blue top. She was cutting veggies her back turned towards the door never noticing Bea walking in. The redhead walked behind her never leaving her eyes from Allie's lovely form. Admiring her slender neck visible from under her ponytail as well as her shoulders, waist, butt, and legs – Bea loved it all. She stopped right behind the blonde and wrapped her arms around her waist. Allie got spooked and jumped a bit but then instantly relaxed in her arms. Bea buried her face into the younger woman's neck and kissed it.
The pencil in her hands snapped in two and she threw it into the door while slamming her other hand into her forehead.
Bea Smith went through a lot of things in her life but she never felt as confused as now. The pressure in her head was unbearable. Obviously, she is getting too attached to the blonde, it is messing with her head. Keeping away from her will be the best thing to do. She turned on her side and closed her eyes trying to fall asleep with her chest heaving in pain.