Chapter 21

When Mara rejoined Luke in their bedroom, she could see that once again he was spiraling down his own personal sarlaac pit of despair. She sighed, and wanted to laugh once he had been frustrated with telling her everyday how beautiful he still found her even pregnant, now that was the least of their worries.

Now she was telling him everyday that he wasn't evil, or a failure, or falling to the darkside or weak. She shook her head taking in his prose...if only they could go back and undo all of the hurt that had been done to him.

He sat on the edge of their bed his head in his hands, his face tight with concentration. She sat lightly next to him and ran her hand over his thick sandy hair. She would fight him on this, she would never let him blame himself or succumb to his own darkness not while she still had the breath and strength to fight it.

She said soothingly, "Oh Luke, I can't imagine what you are feeling."

He looked at her his eyes bleary emotion breaking through, "I don't know Mara…its confusing. There are some things that I know to be true, I can feel them in the essence of my soul. But other things, they seem so unlikely that I cannot fathom them. The only thing I feel is real is the way I feel about you, and our son. There the only tangible thing that I know. But I still cannot remember, you, or him, or my family."

She sighed, "You will. You just need time. You're pushing yourself too hard."

Luke shook his head, "I can't push my self hard enough, I look at you and what you've been through because of me, because of my weakness and all I can do it beget more weakness and failure."

Mara took a deep breath to calm her anger, "No Luke. And try to remember you've been through a lot too. We haven't come out unscathed but we've come out nonetheless. I k now that this won't hold you down for long. Trust me."

"I do" he insisted, "You're the one I trust the most. You have so much faith in me, I don't deserve it."

Mara replied calmly, "You don't believe yet. I know what Yoda would say to that, he would say that is why you fail. You have to believe in yourself."

Luke didn't want to talk anymore. Mara held up a small disc and said, "Your favorite holovid."

Luke chuckled at her and moved back to recline against the ornate headboard. He asked, "Okay enough with the heavy, What is it?"

She put the holo in and sat next to him, he didn't quite take her into his arms them but he rested his hand on her stomach and she answered, "Well okay, it's this guy and he's a teacher, well he's also an adventurer archaeologist who travels all over the place looking for and protecting rare artifacts and getting into a whole host of scrapes along the way."

Luke laughed, "It sounds really good."

Mara smiled, "Well you've only made me watch it a billion times."

Luke stared at the entry to the med ward of the Jedi temple.

He dreaded this.

He had been informed that the two Jedi he had incapacitated were still here. And still in very precarious health. Mara was still asleep when he left, it was just a few minutes after dawn. He hoped she would still be sleeping when he returned.

But this was something he just had to do, maybe if he could prove to them that he wasn't a monster he could prove it to himself. Forgiveness had to begin somewhere. But he didn't see how these Jedi could ever forgive him, he had nearly taken their lives. For nothing.

'This isn't about you.' he told himself for the hundreth time, 'It's about them. You need their forgiveness, and they may not be willing to give it. But at least you can show them you're not what you were even if you scarcely believe it yourself."

He finally walked through the doors. A reception droid buzzed to the front of him, "Can I help you Knight Skywalker?" Luke nodded, "Yes I am looking for Rosh Penin and Dal Konur."

The droid answered, "Certainly sir, however you are to be aware that they are still unconscious."

Luke asked crestfallen, "Oh..all right. Please tell me, will they eventually make a full recovery?"

Before the droid could answer a voice behind him asked hatefully, "Does it matter to you?"

Luke turned, a woman about his mother's age and a young man stood behind him. The woman's eyes were red and puffy like she'd been deprived of sleep for a very long time. She regarded him blankly.

The young man who stood at her side glared at Luke balefully his eyes were alit with rage, his jaw tight and he asked in the same malicious tone, "Did you come to see your handiwork?"

Luke's heart broke as he took in this man's words. How could they think that, it was one of his largesdt regrets what had happened to those two men.

The soft spoken woman said, "I am Amaris Penin, Rosh is my son. This is Rosh's brother Hadron." Though she spoke gently Luke could hear the strength in her voice, and knew that she was a woman of great courage.

Hadron however did not want to exchange pleasantries with Luke of all people and he was going to make sure that everyone knew about it, "I know what they said…that you lost your memory and went all Sith. And now miraculously your perfectly fine. I don't buy that bantha shit! My brother almost died. He still could! Because of you!"

Amaris' eyes looked cloudy again, "Hadron…stop. Please, not here, not now."

But her son was relentless, and every word was a sharp vibroblade to Luke's soul, "You are a heartless monster! Look at you! You're walking around like nothing happened, you get everything! You get to go home to your wife and your family after what you did! My brother doesn't! How do you live with yourself? Do you even care? He can't move or even breathe on his own, did you know that he is married? Did you? How about that he has a little daughter? Or that she cries everyday because she doesn't understand why her daddy can't be home with her! And wait until Dal's family gets here!"

Amaris steeled her voice and commanded, "Enough!"

Hadron was a rash man, but he knew that his mother would tolerate no more from him. She looked at Luke, "Knight Skywalker, I have read every report about my son's injuries. No Jedi could have done that. Whoever hurt my son and Dal was ruthless and cruel. I am aware of your circumstances. To answer your question they may never fully recover from the brutality they faced."

Luke was horrified by both of their words and said sincerely, "Mrs. Penin, both of you I want to deeply apologi-"

Hadron stormed past him hitting Luke hard in the shoulder as he passed. Mrs. Penin looked at Luke with a hard gaze, "Rosh would forgive you. I know that as certain as I am standing here. But let me caution you now, do not ever make me set my eyes on you again. Do you understand?"

Luke swallowed, "Yes ma'am. If I may do anything to assist their healing-"

She interrupted firmly, "Good day Knight Skywalker."

Luke could plainly see he was being dismissed and nodded at her, then keeping his head low left the room. Rife with his own shame.

Mara rose silently from her empty bed. She assumed Luke would go sleep on the couch but part of her secretly wished he would have stayed in the bed with her. She pulled her on light robe, and walked out of the room. She spotted him on the balcony, tossing his lightsaber idly, his mind clearly distant.

He greeted her as she approached, "Good morning Mara." She asked quietly, "Am I disturbing you?"

He reached for her hand, "Not at all." She could feel something was awry with him however and pressed, "Luke? What's wrong?"

He confessed, "I went to see the wounded Jedi today."

Mara sighed, "Oh…maybe you shouldn't have done that. I've heard their prognosis is very fragile."

Luke nodded, "Yes. I didn't see them. I saw Rosh's mother and his brother."

Mara nodded, "I see. Are you all right?"

Luke shook his head, "Their suffering was so intense and I did that to them. I tried to murder their son and brother! I wanted to! I thought I had! Rosh has a daughter...a wife...I nearly took him from them and I don't know if Dal has a family. I am a monster. I wanted to murder my father, and my oldest mentor, I wanted to murder my wife and baby! I don't deserve to live Mara!"

He leapt up from his seat and she jumped back which only added to the fervor of his rant, "See! You are afraid of me and you should be! Look at the damage I have done!"

Mara steadied herself and said, "You startled me, I am not afraid of you. Luke…you wanted to go there and see how they were that was admirable. But you cannot blame their families for not understanding or even being angry. Just know that your own family does understand and loves you with the same intensity."

Luke growled, "I don't deserve it."

Mara was starting to lose her famous temper, "Are we going to go through this again? Look, people aren't going to understand right away and yes you have a lot to make up for to some people. But not me and not your family. We all know that none of this was your fault, the man responsible has paid. I am only going to say this one more time and then if you bring it up again I swear I will physically harm you. THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT!"

Luke gave a shuddering sigh, he knew her words were logical but he wanted more than anything to be punished for what he considered to be his sins. Those boys could have died because of him, and he wanted to be held accountable. He felt like he should rot the rest of his days in a prison cell thinking about the pain that he had inflicted on others.

But Mara would never hold him responsible for that. She knew in her soul that had he not have been victimized by Palpatine that it never would have stood and watched him punish himself for things he had no control over and it threatened to drive her insane.

She couldn't take the distance anymore. This fragile, walking on quor'sav eggshells pretending that he was a stranger, and waiting for him for come back to himself just had to stop. If she didn't breach this chasm between them it would grow until their could cross it.

She walked over and threw her arms around him tightly.

He was shocked by her sudden burst of affection, his pulse raced and warm sensations plowed down his spine at the feel of her body pressed against his. He took a deep breath and wrapped his arms around her and buried his face in her warm neck and inhaled her scent deeply. She sent him calming waves through the force and he accepted them.

He knew that she was right, but it was hard to accept. He asked timidly, "How can you still…feel this way about me? After all I have done."

Mara replied warmly, "I refuse to let Palpatine spoil what you and I have together. He's dead and gone; I'm not giving him that power."

Luke was in constant awe of her, "Force, you are so strong. I won't deny that the darkness inside of me wants to take over but I won't let it Mara. I swear to you."

Mara smiled, "I know you won't. We're fighters Luke. You're just as strong as I am, you'll overcome this."

Mara's stomach rumbled loudly between them. She scoffed, "Force, he's voracious! You wouldn't believe the amount of food I can put away these days. He must take after you!"

Luke smiled, "Ah, another Luke imperfection. I've experienced the Skywalker appetite firsthand, we're in for a rough couple of months."

Mara smiled, "Yeah, it's too bad you can't nurse."

Luke returned her smile and joked, "Well I could try, I might look kind of funny in my tunic if I had breasts."

Mara laughed, "Oh well, I'd still think you were sexy."

He raised his eyebrows at her, "So you'd be into that sort of thing?"

Mara shook her head, "No, I'm just letting you know that I find you very attractive in any way shape or form."

Luke was hit was a barrage of steamy images staring himself and his wife. He bit his lip to try and stifle his own desire. Her stomach rumbled again and she groaned, "Okay okay…I'm going. Gods you have my insistence for sure."

Mara walked into the kitchen, and Luke walked up behind his mother who was regarding a fluffy blue garment in her hands, she stared at it intently then abruptly pulled it apart chastising herself in a harsh whisper, "It's not right…I don't know what I was thinking…3PO could have done much better in less time."

She heard a small snicker behind her and turned smiling, "Luke. Come here and sit with me." She looked at the mess of silvery blue fabric and yarn jumbled in her lap and added, "I was trying to make the baby…umm…something."

She looked at him warmly and asked, "How are you doing sweetheart?" she picked up the jumbled mess and tried to sort it out before she started again.

Luke nodded, this was his least favorite question merely because he was asked a minimum of a dozen times a day, "I'm doing all right." He assured her.

She asked, "Are things becoming clearer to you?"

Luke shook his head his disappointment breaking through, "No. To be honest I'm more concerned about keeping my anger at bay than anything. Just trying to deal with the repercussions, and lack there of for what I have done."

Padme's warm chocolate eyes swam with tears at his confession. Despite the fact that she had been absent the first nineteen years of their lives, she loved her children very deeply and felt their pain acutely. She scooted closer to him, "Luke."

She turned her head to see that Mara was deeply entrenched in her breakfast, and a conversation with L'wren.

"When you were missing, we all thought that you were gone forever. I didn't think I could survive it. I know that your father told you that you were raised by your aunt and uncle, but Luke…when I gave birth you to and Obi Wan held you in front of me, my own little perfect son, my first born I knew that my heart had changed forever. You know that you and Leia were born at such a tumultuous time in the galaxy, I know that it was for your safety that you were taken from me but it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Other than attend your memorial service. Back then I knew that you being separated from me what for your own well being, and that you were safe and happy and I could live with that. But to think that my sweet son was gone was too much for my heart to bear."

Luke eyes riveted on her and she continued, "But you're here. You're safe and you're alive. You're worried about the darkness in your own heart; Anakin was too at your age. Just wait my son, wait until they place your small baby in your arms. It was change you, and you will be amazed how your heart expands to hold your children. If anything can defeat the darkness within you permanently it will be the love you have for your family, for your son."

Luke stared at his mother with new eyes, "He's already saved me. He saved us all on Byss. "

Padme grasped Luke's hand, "He's strong. So are you. Everything will be all right I know it."

Luke was in awe of her, she was a hardened politician who he was told could stare and debate down the very best of them in the senate, she had endured so many hardships and heartbreaking separations and yet she could still hope. She'd had her own babies wrenched from her at birth, she'd faked her own death and stayed in hiding from her friends, family and children for nearly two decades. In spite of all this, she could still stare at the horizon thick with haze and see the sunshine. Luke wished he could be like that.

He wished that he had a fraction of the faith everyone seemed to have in him, for himself.

Author's Note ~ Okay, these last few chapters have been kind of slow. Don't fret however, the next few will have more action (in more ways than one ::wink::) and less brooding. We're bringing this to a slow close...however I would be interested in anyone's opinion on a third story, making my little duo a trilogy. Maybe giving Mara a chance to show what a badass she is. Please let me know what you think. Thanks for reading ~ Eradyne