Chapter 21 – Again

Closing the front door behind me, my eyes still puffy and tinged-red from the tears, I entered my house and quietly made my way up the stairs to my room. Though I did see a light on in the kitchen, it was eerily quiet throughout the house – no conversation, no noise. I took the silence as an opportunity to steal into my room where I could just…be alone. Laying down on my bed, I thought if I closed my eyes, eventually, sleep would come. And maybe when I wake up tomorrow, it'll be a new day…and maybe I wouldn't feel so bad. Besides, school starts tomorrow – so that'll be a good distraction, right?

Obviously, if you could imagine…I was wrong. About all of that.

My mind refused to shut off. Questions, hypothetical situations, regret all ran through my mind in a confusing jumble of words that I was, presently, too exhausted to sort through and just didn't want to deal with.

I couldn't believe Greer's mom would say those things to me. And to basically ask me to break up with Greer? How could she do that?!

She wasn't wrong, though.

Greer and I come from different places. Greer has always been successful…and will always be successful. I couldn't stand in the way of her accomplishing her goals – even if some of those goals were really her parents'. You know, I had thought about it once before – whether her recent decline in grades was really my fault. The more I think about it now, the more I feel guilty that they are my fault – my responsibility.

Maybe I'm not right for Greer.

Maybe she'd be better off if we weren't together.

And I could never tell her what her mother said. Greer's whole life, as far I can see, has been about obeying her parents' rules…about fulfilling her parents' wishes. I know, despite the incredible amount of pressure they place on her, Greer loves them. If I told her what her mother said, she would never look at her the same way. Maybe she would look at me differently, as well.

I wouldn't be able to live with myself knowing I may have ruined their relationship and ours too.

I must have fallen asleep eventually because when I stirred to the tiny creaking of my opening bedroom door, a quick glance at the clock let me know it was already 6:00AM. Crap. I had to wake up for school…

As I turned over in my sheets, I felt the bed sink a tiny bit under my mother's weight as she came to sit at the edge.

"Mom?" I asked sleepily.

I could tell she, too, had been crying because I saw the same puffiness and red hue that for me, had probably since been erased by sleep. She spoke quietly, "Hey, Bren."

"Mom?" I said, still confused as to why she was in my room. "What's wrong?"

She stared off in silence for a few moments before I heard the soft sobs mixed periodically with the sniffling of her nose. She had begun to cry again.

Sitting up, I put a comforting hand on her back and repeated, "Mom? What's wrong?"

Finally regaining some composure amid the tears she whispered, "It's April."

"What happened?" I asked, more panicked – the feeling of dread becoming harder and harder to hide.

"Earlier last night, April's doctor called," Mom started slowly. "…with the lab results from April's blood draw a week back."

"Okay…" I said, internally fearing the worst but trying to maintain a brave face for Mom.

"And I know they've spaced out the blood draws since she was done with chemo," Mom continued…

"Mom? What happened?" I repeated, growing more nervous.

"It's back," Mom said. That was it. Nothing more.

I knew what she meant – and she knew that I knew.

"Oh no," I said quietly, staring off. "What happens now? Where is she now? I thought she was doing so well! They were watching her for months and she was fine. I thought the chemo she had fixed all this. This isn't fair!"

"Brenna, Brenna," Mom said, a hand on my arm to calm me. "Slow down."

"I don't understand Mom," I pressed. "She had chemo. This should be gone, right? That's the point of chemo! It should be gone!"

"I know, I know," Mom said, sympathetically. "But…there was always a chance it could come back."

"This isn't fair," I said again, sadly. "It's not supposed to be like this. She's supposed to be okay now!"

"I know," Mom said, patting me on the back. "I didn't want to tell you last night since you were over at Greer's house. I didn't want you to worry."

"Mom, you could've told me," I said. "I wanna know about these things. Of course, I'm gonna worry…but I can't help that."

"Yeah, I know," Mom said. "She checked into the hospital last night so they could start their work-up first thing this morning and go from there."

"So is she gonna get chemo again?" I asked.

"I'm not sure," Mom said. "I'm gonna go visit her around lunchtime and her doctor said we could discuss it then."

"I wanna visit her too," I said.

"Well you can't just leave school, Brenna," Mom said.

"C'mon, Mom," I pleaded, realizing I sounded a bit more desperate than I had wanted to. Honestly though, I'd rather visit April in the hospital than deal with my present situation…which remained quite…present. "I think they'd understand if you told them April was in the hospital. Ms. Gregorian already knows about her illness."

"Brenna, I don't want you to blow off school…especially since it's the first day back since break," Mom said. "You can visit her after the day's done. Maybe have someone drive you? OH! What about Greer?"

"Yeah, maybe," I said, knowing that was probably not a possibility for reasons that I didn't particularly feel like explaining to my mom at this time.

"Anyway, it's getting late and you still have to get ready for school," Mom reminded me as she stood up to leave my room. "We'll get through this, Brenna. I'll go and get breakfast ready. Be down in twenty?"

"Yeah, I'll be down," I said, getting up from my bed slowly as she left me to get ready for school. I thought today would be a "new day" but I still feel miserable – worse, actually, in light of this recent news that still hasn't fully hit me.

Walking over to my dresser to pull out clothes for today, I checked my phone.

Damn!

As the screen's fluorescent glow showed me I had two unread messages, I realized I forgot to call Greer when I got home last night. Though, maybe it was better I didn't call her. I wouldn't even know what to say to her, now.

Greer: Since it's like past midnight, I'm assuming you fell asleep when you got back

Greer: I'll see you in school tomorrow =)

I'm going to see her at school. What am I going to say? And now this…with April? I want to tell her about what's going on with April but I can't just pretend what happened with her mom never happened.

This sucks.

The one person I want to talk to is now the one person I'm banned from talking to.

And I couldn't even tell her that.

A short one but another lead-in for what's to come. Thanks for reading! =)