A/N: Sorry for not posting a new chapter in weeks, but I really rather take the time and give you guys a good chapter than rush and give you guys a lazily written one. This story has been such a labor of love that I really want to give every chapter the time and attention it deserves! Trust me; I will see this story through to the end!
The songs that inspired this chapter are:
"Satellite" by Guster
"Feel Me" by Wiretree
I chose "Satellite" and "Feel Me" because they both have melodic and such romantic qualities that they felt perfect for Logan and Kendall's characters. The songs both instantly feel so impassioned, which I think anchors the opening and closing of this chapter nicely.
This chapter is also kind of interesting in that it's a slower paced chapter, but builds on these characters and their archetypes. It deals with the two people closest in Logan's life—Kendall and his mom—but you see how different forms of love can exist within a person.
Without further ado, I give you, "A Life Worth Living".
Kendall and I continue to walk home, holding hands. There's no urgency to our steps. In fact, it seems like neither of us are particularly rushing home, despite the imminent threat of him being discovered. I feel slightly selfish for enjoying my time with him even at the risk of his safety. But, this is the first—and probably only—time I will have him like this; out in public, anywhere but my bedroom. The feeling still feels surreal to fully process. Perhaps I can better absorb the reality of it tomorrow morning. I have to admit, as dangerous as this still is, Kendall is brilliant for discovering this ingenious loophole. What better way to be out in public than a masquerade?
"I know it may not seem like a big deal to you, but I'm so happy you showed up tonight," I tell Kendall. "Especially given how much you detest these kinds of things," I add.
"I told you. I couldn't bear to be away from you this long."
"It's funny, though…" I begin.
"What is?" he smiles at me like I'm the most important thing in his life.
"Even though we're finally out here… out in public, we're only able to because you're not here," I say vaguely.
His brows furrow briefly in concentration as he sorts through what I'm trying to say.
"Because I'm hiding behind this mask," he states when he finally pieces together my thoughts.
I nod.
"I mean, don't get me wrong; I'm happy that I get any time with you, especially in a setting other than my room. After all, the last time we were outside together was when I was helping you flee. Not exactly stuff romance is made of," I joke.
Kendall chuckles at my half-joke.
"Believe me, Logan; I want nothing more than to be with you without all these restraints holding us back—without this mask, with the law hunting me, without your mom's objections," Kendall echoes my own feelings. "I want to be able to kiss you in the sunlight, hold your hands through a crowded park, and wrap my arms around you as we watch the sun go down… There's nothing more that I wish than for us to have a normal relationship."
He's done it again. His poetic sincerity overwhelms my emotions. I want to cry because he knows me better than I know myself most of the time. But, I mostly want to cry because I know that his wish could never become a reality for us. It's as if we were doomed for a tragic love story from the moment we met.
"There's nothing 'normal' about our relationship," I confess. "We'll always have something no one else could ever understand, which is what makes it even more special to me."
"It's special to me, too," he smiles. "You're special to me."
"Maybe you and I could have our happy ending in another life," I theorize, trying to keep the joyous moment from becoming too heartbreaking.
He stops and strokes my face tenderly with his hand.
"Perhaps," he smiles weakly. "If there's any chance for us… I mean, in this lifetime; I would want to do it the right way."
"What do you mean 'the right way'?"
He looks down for a moment, appearing almost bashful.
"I would ask you out on a proper date," he says glancing up at me slowly.
It's silly that something so trivial makes me happy, but I can't help but imagine the hundreds of ways I would want to experience the world with Kendall upon hearing him say this.
"You would?" I ask blushing a little, even though I should be used to Kendall's flattery by now.
"I would," he nods.
"Why is that so important to you?" I ask curiously, hoping he doesn't take any offense.
"Because a guy like you should be treated right, Logan. You deserve to be loved. You deserve a happy fulfilling life. You deserve a guy that can give you the world."
I sense some sorrow in his tone. If this was our first encounter, I probably wouldn't have been able to detect it, but I've grown to identify the little nuances and fluctuations in his voice to know that there's something deeper to his words.
"And you don't think you can be that guy?" I narrow my eyes.
He goes silent and his green eyes dim a shade behind the black mask.
"Kendall… you are my world. There's nothing more that I want or need than to be with you," I assert.
"And what if one day I'm no longer there? You have to accept the fact that we may not have the luxury of sleeping in the same bed until we grow old. I could… I just don't want you to miss opportunities because of me."
Is he suggesting that I somehow fall out of love with him? Doesn't he realize it's impossible for me to do that?
"Look, I don't want to think about what happens down the road. I don't even want to think about tomorrow. Can we just enjoy this moment together, while you're here with me?"
"Of course," he smiles showing his dimples and all.
And that familiar twinkle in his eyes return, as well.
"Shall I walk you home now?" Kendall smiles.
He doesn't realize the things his smile does to me. I simply smile and nod because I'm too mesmerized to reply.
Our fingers interlock once again and I tighten my grip on Kendall. I never want to let go of him—ever.
In truth, if it was up to me I could walk with Kendall on an endless dirt road. Because with Kendall, it doesn't matter where we go; all that matters is that he's beside me.
We walk home, admiring the stillness and quietness in the air. The air feels crisp, but not cold. It feels wonderful actually. When we turn the corner onto our neighborhood, there's a sense of disappointment in me. I wish I could prolong my time with Kendall. This could be the very last time I will be able to see him out in the moonlight. What I would give to hold and kiss him under the pale moon…
We duck into the backyard, because walking through the front door with Mom home isn't exactly an option for us.
"Look, Mom; I brought home a hot masked stranger from prom!" I think to myself.
"Wait here and I'll open the window from inside," I whisper to Kendall.
"Okay," he nods.
And as I walk away, he pulls me back and kisses me hard. It takes me by surprise but it's incredibly hot. Even after everything he still manages to constantly surprise and excite me.
"What was that for?" I ask when Kendall finally releases me.
"Does everything I do have to have a reason?" he smirks.
"I guess not," I smile before walking around to the front of the house.
I enter the house and see Mom sitting in the living room watching TV.
"Hey, Logie-Bear," she greets me when she sees me. "How was prom?"
"Prom was… surprisingly perfect," I smile wider than I had anticipated.
"Wow," Mom says in awe. "For someone who despised prom so much, I didn't expect to get that kind of reaction from you."
"Yeah, me neither," I scoff from my own amazement.
"Where's Camille?" she inquires.
"Oh, uh, she's at home," I lie.
"Aw, I had hoped she would at least come in. I still didn't get a picture of the two of you."
"It's really that not big of a deal, Mom. Anyway, I'm kind of beat, so I think I'm going to call it a night, if that's okay with you," I attempt to excuse myself.
"Hey, what's the rush? Come sit down with your mom. We never spend any time together anymore," she says patting the empty space on the couch.
I glance at my room for a second, because I know Kendall is probably wondering what's taking me so long. But, I also don't want to give my mom any more concern than I have lately.
"Okay," I smile for her benefit as I sit down next to her. "What are we watching?"
"Oh, I don't even know to be honest," she chuckles. "I just turned it on. I think it's some celebrity gossip show."
She's right; it's one of those celebrity entertainment shows and it seems like a pair of actresses have come out as a couple. I suddenly regret my decision of watching TV with Mom. The news seems too close to home for me, especially what happened just the other day when Mom found my journal.
"I just don't understand. I mean, that one is so pretty," she points to one of the svelte-looking actresses. "She could get any guy in Hollywood if she wanted."
"Maybe she doesn't want to be with a guy, Mom," I enlighten.
"She's probably doing it for attention," Mom says, practically ignoring every word I said. "It's probably just a publicity stunt. You know how those famous types are," she sighs.
I sigh, as well, but from frustration.
"Have you ever considered maybe that's just who she is?"
Mom finally turns around and looks at me like I've gone mad.
"She's young. It's more than likely some phase. Years from now she'll probably do some interview saying how she doesn't know what she was thinking for dating another woman."
"We don't know that," I say quietly.
"Eventually she'll want a husband and kids," Mom says like it's factual.
"But what if that's not what she really wants?" I challenge.
"Well, even so, it's better than be a black sheep."
"Is it, though? She'd have had sacrifice real happiness for a false life she didn't want," I challenge. "It's not a life worth living."
She narrows her eyes, but so slightly I'm not entirely sure she actually did.
"I doubt anyone wants a life full of ridicule. The world is a cruel place, Logan. People don't like things—and people—they don't understand," she recites before turning her attention back to the TV.
The angry slowly boils in me. How can my mom be so myopic, so narrow-minded? She's not a bad person, I know; perhaps just misguided and judgmental. Perhaps the divorce made her cynical when it comes to love.
I know I should probably let it go, because I've been doing a good job of convincing her I'm dating Camille so far—which protects Kendall—but I can't let it go. I won't.
"Maybe she doesn't care what others think. Maybe the love she has trumps the opinions and thoughts of everybody else. Shouldn't that be good enough for her?" I counter.
Mom spins her head back at me again.
"I don't know why you're getting so defensive, especially over some celebrity you barely know, Logan," she says.
I see that this debate is going nowhere, so I just remain silent once again. We sit there in silence until the awkward tension feels mostly evaporated. That's when Mom makes a poor attempt at yawning and excuses herself to her room.
"I have to be at the hospital early tomorrow, so I think I'm going to head to bed, sweetie," she says kissing the top of my head. "My handsome boy," she comments, looking at me like she's somehow proud, when the two of us know that things haven't been right with us for a while.
"Night, Mom," I feign a smile.
It's better—but not necessarily easier—to plaster a fake smile these days then to fall apart and cry, because falling apart takes twice as long to put myself back together.
After she's in her room and I hear that she's turned her bedroom TV on, I turn the one in the living room off, as well as all the lights. I quickly head into my room and quietly close my bedroom door. I rush over to the window, unlock it, and open it.
"Kendall?" I whisper.
There's no response.
"Kendall?" I repeat a decibel louder.
Still no reply. I begin to panic.
"Kendall!" I half-scream.
"Geez, good thing it isn't cold tonight," Kendall finally pops out from the shadows.
My breathing rushes back.
"Oh, thank god," I exhale.
"What was the hold up?" Kendall asks as climbs back into the window.
"Mom," I simply answer.
I use my body to support Kendall as he climbs in, but his shoe gets caught on the window sill and he trips, falling on top of me.
"Shit! Sorry," Kendall whispers and chuckles at the same time.
I begin chuckling, too.
"Did I hurt you?" Kendall asks.
I'm immediately brought back to when we first met. He was out in the pouring rain, dripping profusely down on me. I was scared half to death, of course, but I recall him asking me the same thing afterwards: Did I hurt you?
As terrified as I was then, I still found his concern for my physical well-being to be compassionate.
"No," I shake my head. "I'm perfectly fine."
I reach my fingers out and touch his face. He holds my hand in place and I feel everything he wants to say convey through such a simple touch. I pull off the black mask he's wearing and it's him again—my Kendall; my beautiful Kendall. He looks at me, penetrating me with his green eyes. There's nothing more beautiful in this world than those eyes.
"It's like when we first met," he says, uncannily echoing my thoughts.
"I was just thinking the same thing."
"You've always liked me on top of you from day one, haven't you?" Kendall teases.
"Maybe," I flirt back.
He plants a light kiss on my lips. His lips are moist, soft, and gentle. He has lips designed for kissing, no doubt.
"Did you want me from the beginning?" he asks as we continue to kiss me.
I would answer, but I'm losing words to the incredible sensation of his lips.
"I know I wanted you… I wanted you the second I laid eyes on you, Logan," Kendall confesses as his mouth moves to my neck.
"…Kendall," I say breathlessly.
I stare up at my ceiling and I feel as if I can see all the stars in the sky. Only Kendall can take me there.
He begins to move his body against me, and I can feel his hips grind against mine. My breathing hitches and I start to feel hot. I have a strong urge to tear away at my layers of clothes. Kendall sees this and quickly assists me. I throw my expensive tuxedo jacket to the side, as Kendall takes his off, as well. I reach up and undo his pants before he slides them off. I pull at my bowtie frantically as Kendall undoes the buttons on my shirt. He swiftly begins to unbutton his own shirt as I kick my pants of my legs. Before we know it, we're both naked on my floor and Kendall's mouth is back on mine.
His mouth trails down the length of my neck. I feel his teeth playfully graze against my skin as I nibble his earlobe. He moves his head to my chest. With his head blocking my sight, I'm unable to see what he's doing, but I feel his tongue dart and lick my nipple and a new sensation is instantly ushered in. His tongue trails down, all the way to my navel, which makes me want to scream in ecstasy. He makes small circles around it and flicks his tongue on my sensitive skin. He's simply driving me crazy…
Kendall takes it a step further when he grazes his teeth against my incredibly stiff erection. It throbs when I feel his tongue teasing it. I have to have him in me—now. I pull him up before he can make me explode. He towers his long body over me, and I wrap my hand around his shaft. His member is warm and feels full. It's harder than even my own. I feel its pulse within my firm grip.
"Mom's in the next room. Don't make me scream, Kendall," I caution him.
"I can't promise you that, Logan," he smirks.
I line him at my opening and he pushes his body into mine. He fills me in ways I can't describe. It's incredible. It's sensual. It's insanely and mind-numbingly hot.
"Tell me how good it feels, Logie," he says smugly before he pushes the rest of his length into me.
I let out a small gasp but restrain myself from crying out in pleasure. He gives me an arrogant smirk, because he knows how to make me squirm. He slowly pulls himself halfway out of me. He does it deliberately slow to drive me mad; I know it.
"I couldn't bear to physically stay away from you tonight, Logan. Let me show you how physically close I want us to be," he says before he slams back into me.
I have to chomp down on my lip as to not let out a forceful cry. I'm pretty sure I bit myself so hard I drew blood. But it doesn't matter, because the pleasure far outweighs the pain. Kendall expertly moves his hip—he knows exactly where to hit.
It's sort of ridiculous that we're making love on my clutter bedroom floor, when I have a perfectly functioning bed less than three feet away. We're simply both too consumed by the passion to make the effort to move; our desires must be quenched immediately.
I cup my hands on his butt and pull him deeper into me. The two of us respond to the new feeling. It makes Kendall even more delirious, because he starts plowing me like a madman. I have to bite down on my lip to seal in any sound from coming out. I pull Kendall down and bury his head into the crook of neck so his loud grunting and groans won't alarm my mom. I intertwine my legs with his, and wrap my arms under his and grip onto his shoulders, as he continues to thrust himself into me. We're literally moving as one.
When I'm with Kendall, time doesn't seem relevant—which is ironic, given our situation. After all, tomorrow they could take him away from me. But, when we are making love, time seems to slow down and speed up both at once. It's indescribable and senseless, but it's almost as though we're on a completely different plane of existence, and time simply has no control over us.
I feel the incredible sensation growing inside of me. It's sky-rocketing me to an altitude that's completely new. I know eventually I'll have to be dropped back to Earth, but my mind is spinning from the dizzying pleasures. Kendall keeps ramming into me, and each time he does, I see a new constellation. The hairs on my skin defy gravity as they stand straight up. My skin is electrified. My pulse is quickening. My heart is hammering. I'm about to explode into a million stars.
I can't fight it. I don't want to fight it.
And with a single and strong thrust, Kendall makes me see the entire universe in a single second. I feel as it gravity is nonexistent. Everything feels right. Nothing hurts. Everything is wonderful.
I feel Kendall's breath hit my skin. His breathing is ragged and heavy, his skin is slick with sweat, his body is slumped on mine; he's still a vision in my eyes. I tilt his head so I can get a look at him. His green eyes look at me hazily but still adoringly. I give him a long sensuous kiss. Our tongues sweep against one another as we taste each other. I rest his head back on my chest as I run my fingers through his sweaty hair that has matted itself to his head.
We lie there on the floor; both too weak to move. My breathing steadies and I feel Kendall's slow, too. I see his lids slowly close. He must be tired. I can't imagine how scared he must have been to come to my prom tonight. It must have been mentally draining for him. He would never tell me, because he wouldn't want to ruin the magical night for me—because that's just the selfless person Kendall is—but he really risked everything by being out in public tonight. I wish there was something I could do for him—something more. I could never show him my thanks. I'm sure he feels the same way, but he'll never know how he's impacted my life. I've never been more alive than I am now. He's given me a rebirth of sorts.
I feel the cool breeze of the evening night blow through my half-opened window. It feels great as it hits my skin full of sweat. I allow the magic of the night to linger in my mind. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect prom. And looking down at a dreamily sleeping Kendall, I couldn't have asked for a more perfect date.
I've never believed in relying on a person to make me feel whole or fulfilled as an individual—and I still don't. But, I also know that Kendall has opened my eyes to new possibilities, to new ideals and beliefs. He's giving everything I do, everything I try, everything I say, everything I think a purpose. He's given me a life worth living.