DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in the story and I am not affiliated with Pretty Little Liars—the cast, the writers and creators of the show, or the book series. All characters featured in "For Now" belong to the creators of PLL, but I do claim the story line as my own.
With that being said, I hope you guys enjoy :)
"Everything I loved became everything I lost."
Aria felt a sudden warmth swelling inside, her thoughts becoming even more confusing.
She'd begun to fade away, darkness closing in, her thoughts spaced out, with her breathing shallow and her body becoming colder. She was sure that this was death and she didn't feel grief over what she was leaving, instead only relief that maybe, just maybe, the end was coming because, no matter how much she hated to think about it, she thought of her life as wasted.
A wasted childhood and confused adolescent, when Aria grew into a teenager, she realized her ambitions. But now, they too were wasted. She'd wasted her love on Ezra, wasted her time trying to prove herself to her father. Wasted, wasted, wasted.
Wasted was what she became whenever she took a sip of wine, then later, vodka. Maybe it was a metaphor, a symbol of how she felt inside and the way her subconscious thoughts began to determine her actions when they broke the surface and drove her to a thirst for alcohol.
That warm feeling also triggered a sweet memory to resurface.
Her and Jake. Small children. They were laughing and running through the sprinklers that soaked the freshly-mowed grass, the summer sun beating down on them, the air humid and the temperature hot.
The sun's rays seemed to free her as the young Aria ran with Jake across the lawn. A moment of pure bliss—children's laughter echoing, joy easily detectable. A temporary blindness ensued when she'd look up at the sun and dared not to close her eyes. The sun's rays shone down on them as they ran into the sprinklers and an illusion of small rainbows was created by the sun's reflection off the stream of water that made its way through the air.
It perfectly captured the essence of childhood—what it should have been like for her every day while growing up, when her soul was allowed to feel free and able to embrace the day.
Soft giggles with loud, playful screams breaking their laughter occasionally, and the two being a duo of sorts. They ran in the grass together in a sort-of "alliance," her and Jake against the elements of their environment, of their unfavorable personal situations, of life itself. Together, they could do everything and anything because the bond they shared assured them of this.
There was a certain liberating feeling that existed and surged through her, making her run faster, scream louder, laugh harder. Where had it gone? When had she lost it?
Aria remembered stopping, coming to a halt and out-of-breath. Jake came to a stop shortly after realizing that she'd tired out from the abundance of energy that had driven her moments before.
And then, what became the most significant detail of this entire recollection—Aria turned back towards where they'd originally started: a spot near Audrey, who stood admiring them from the position she was planted in, sitting in her chair with her legs draped over the left arm of the chair. She was looking up from her book, a grin on her face as she watched the two kids she so adored play carelessly and freely. She beamed and seemed content, a feeling that only lasted as long as her husband stayed away.
Aria waved at Audrey without thinking, smiling wildly at the woman who had become a second mom, taking on the role of caring for her emotional needs when Ella was unable to fulfill her motherly duties because she had to deal with Byron's load of bullshit. But that was okay—Audrey being a sort-of "mom" when it was needed.
As Aria grew older though, she was no longer blind or immune to the things she'd managed to overlook when she was younger. Before, there was never any knowledge of the life Audrey was confined to when her husband came home, proving that Jake had actually been good at keeping secrets.
Audrey had become the victim of a man (scratch that—boy) with a sad story, who'd made promises that were empty. She had been young and negligent, finding herself pregnant with Jake soon after she'd met the man she'd learned to fear. But she stayed, stayed until she couldn't, when her legs got replaced by wings. Aria was sure of it—Audrey would still be with the blood-sucking parasite who'd she'd promised to love forever. Even if she hated him.
Suddenly though, that memory blurred into a new one: a much sadder time coming into perspective for Aria.
She stood in a hospital room, the constant beep of the heart monitor machine fading to the background, her gaze fixed outside and her focus on the sound of the rain hitting the window.
Audrey slept and Aria silently cried, sniffling every now and then and wiping away the tears that became too much for her to hold in and deny. Audrey was slipping away fast, unable to hold onto the fragileness of life. Every time Aria thought she'd managed to pull herself together, she'd think of when Audrey did pass on to a more beautiful, wondrous life and what she'd be left with.
No more Audrey. There would be nothing there, left in the body her soul had lived in. She'd embodied all that was wonderful and magical in life and it would all be gone when she left.
Aria's thoughts were occupied with how unfair God had been in deciding who he would take next. How could He do that? How could any god do that? Take away someone Aria felt was so beyond special and crucial to the person she was and was becoming? How could He justifying ripping Audrey away from those who loved her? What kind of God did that? Aria had prayed, gone as far as begged, God to hear her out. She had even put faith in Him to see it through that Audrey would continue to live, kicking cancer's ass and being restored to the person she always had been—so full of life, regardless of the unfair situation she'd been placed in, with her positivity still radiating in the most beautiful ways.
She was there so Jake could go home and get some rest after staying with his mom for 32 hours straight, refusing to leave because he believed she deserved to have someone there. Barely any sleep, lots of time spent watching basic cable television, and an achy back resulting from the uncomfortable chair he tried to make semi-comfy was what brought Aria to the hospital after avoiding it for a week.
The last time she'd come, Audrey had looked at her and suspected something had changed, shifted in Aria, though she refused to come out and ask about what seemed to be an obvious amount of change in her.
Aria was distracted by her thoughts until she heard Audrey say, "Aria," her voice cracking but a detectable amount of surprise and pleasure in her tone.
She turned around quickly, startled at first, but then relieved when she saw Audrey smile weakly, a brightness still there, even in the saddest of circumstances.
"Audrey…" she said softly, quickly coming to her side and pulling a chair toward the bed, taking a seat and peering at Audrey. "I didn't realize you'd woke."
Audrey just smiled back at Aria then asked, wasting no time, "Who is he?" She just gazed back at Aria, all-knowing in her ways.
"W-what are you talking about, Audrey?" Aria responded, hoping that maybe, just maybe, she'd be able to convince her that there was no guy.
"Honey," she started, grabbing for Aria's hand and slightly squeezing it. "I know you. And I know that look because I had it at one time too. Every girl has it when they've met someone that has captured their attention and made them fall in love."
"Hey now, I'm not in love. He's just a guy I met. No big deal, Audrey," Aria reassured her.
"Aria, I hope you know that it's okay for you to love someone that isn't my son. You don't have to watch what you say because of the hints I used to make to you two while you were growing up. I never expected you and Jake to be together if it wasn't right for you guys and, now, I want you to be happy—truly happy," Audrey said, a small, reassuring smile on her face.
But then, her mood became a bit sadder as she looked down and took a deep breath, clearing her throat before continuing. Her eyes became glossy, tears forming and her voice becoming soft. "I so wanted to be a part of seeing you fall in love. And you're falling in love—no matter how much you'd like to deny it—and I can't watch it happen right in front of me because of where I'm stuck at." She took a deep breath, trying to settle her emotions. "I don't want pity and I hate being one to make a scene, but it's upsetting because, realizing death is so close, I've begun to reflect. And in reflecting, I've also realized all that I'm going to miss out on. I wanted to deny it, keep the mindset that I'd make it and see all the things I had hoped to, but now…now I can't be optimistic because this is the end. It's fast approaching."
Aria shook her head, refusing to give in to what was being said. "Stop that, stop that right now, Audrey. Please."
Audrey took Aria's face in her hand, shaking her head and trying to hold back tears that were already falling. "Honey," she said meekly, her emotions getting the best of her.
"Audrey," Aria said, beginning to cry again, but instead of being silent and her resisting the obvious distress she felt, she let it spill out. "I love you so much, do you know that? You guided me and loved me and cared for me and that is something that I could never thank you enough for. You gave me the gift of knowing you and I love you for that. I love you. And I love your son. I love you for all that you've given me—knowledge, acceptance, love…You will never, ever be replaced…ever."
Tears were streaming steadily down Aria's cheeks and Audrey was just as emotional, gripping Aria's hands.
"You are a gift to me," Audrey said through her tears.
"Audrey…" Aria tried to get a handle on the tears that were now shaking her body and becoming loud sobs. "Please don't leave me. Please," she begged.
"You know I never want to. And I won't because I will always be here and, if you keep me in your heart, that's where I'll always stay," she reassured Aria. "But this isn't the life I want to live. I want to be free and I want my wings."
Sobs. Loud sobs coming from the deepest, most vulnerable parts of Aria. The sobs screamed how weak and powerless she felt against faith and how much she wished she could hold onto Audrey. Her sobs made her body shake, all her sadness, grief, and despair evident.
She held Audrey's hand as they both cried and trembled, mourning the life Audrey had lived and waiting for fate to lead her to a better world where such pain wouldn't exist for her. But the pain would still exist for Aria, serving to be a daily reminder of the beautiful woman she'd loved so much and lost.
Another blur, except now, everything went dark.
Then white. A bright white.
And then Audrey was there.
And Aria was left breathless.
I can assure you guys that this is important to furthering Aria's character development. I promise :) I'll be updating with For Now 22 soon (hopeful for this anyways) and then For Now 23 should (hopefully!) follow shortly after because I have so many ideas I want to get out and I feel like I can't get them out fast enough, but once I do, I can get them out. I just need to be able to sit down and actually do it lol Like I have to develop the chapters and that's what takes the longest, even though I know where I want to take the story. Writers feel me, right?
I wanted to say thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart for sticking with me for the past few months because I know how frustrating it must be that I'm so inconsistent. But I so appreciate all the positive feedback I get and what feels like unconditional love and support :) Y'all will never really be able to understand the true love I have for you guys but I feel it in my heart. You guys definitely have a special place and I feel like I have a bond with each person who even reads one chapter of my stories because I am exposing the person I am, the thoughts that occupy my mind, and the stories I'm always imagining. My writing is personal to me and, for you guys to encourage, accept, and support what I post makes me feel so close to each of you. I am beyond thankful for you all and I thought of each of you on Thanksgiving. Y'all are in my thoughts and, let me just say, I am honored to have you all as my friends. I look at your positive feedback and comments that you leave me whenever I need reassurance and you guys have become my inspiration. I love love love love love love love you guys and I cherish the relationship and bond I have created with each of you. Thank you for giving me the chance to know you guys and share my stories with only love and positivity in return :) And thank you for granting me the opportunity to have such a beautiful bond with y'all. I'm so grateful to be able to love you guys!
You are true blessings to me!
-Halle