Chapter Twenty-One
It was weird to be completely by myself. It had been a while since I was left to my own devices. First it was Edward, Rosalie, Emmett, then my parents. Even Jasper counted. When I was with him- whether he was conscious or not –I was hardly alone. It might sound entirely insane to say that I could picture his responses with such a clarity he was practically there. But if so, I was willing to be placed with that stereotype.
As silly as it did sound, I was anxious to see Jasper again. It was just as if he was awake, only he wasn't. I found myself on the way to Jasper's room, knowing that he would not even be there. Like before, my feet just lead me in that direction. They knew where I was going, even if I did not half of the time.
I relished the solitude on my way, even if I was surprised by the loneliness of it all. I was practically back to being a newborn, relying on others to be around me. But I squished that thought to the back of my mind as I elongated my gait slightly. Anxiousness overpowered the fact that this lack of companionship was nice.
It was stupid of me to get excited about the fact I was going to see Jasper once again. It was really stupid. I was setting myself up for failure- a fact that I only realized once I reached the open door of his room. Hope spiked momentarily before it fizzled away at the sight at the almost-empty bed.
Amanda was there. The moment I saw her I felt like I was intruding despite the fact that I had already seen this exact moment playing out before. I remembered the rest of the vision. But when I looked around to see Josh, he wasn't there. I knew how this played out. Here was Amanda, crying on the bed. After this, Josh should come in. He had spoken in a manner of which only little children can, and Amanda had looked comforted. I knew that I could not do the same.
Knowing this and also knowing that I could not leave her to stay as is, I left Jasper's sister and walked back to the only place I knew I could go. Because I had not been informed otherwise, I had to assume that Josh was with his brothers in the police room down the hall. It was all I had to go on. So I left her, not really wanting to think about the child sobbing behind me.
I casually cast off Jasper's siblings so often. After all, it wasn't with them that I had developed a thorough relationship. And besides, becoming friends with Jasper's twin brothers did not sound like an appealing idea. However, I knew that what I had done had been the wrong thing throughout. I should not have ignored the fact that living as Josh, or as Amanda, or even Chase and Austin would not be simple. They might not have to deal with their father in the same manner as Jasper, but they certainly I had to live in the same confines, and that was downright terrifying. The couple short conversations with the man had not left a good impression to say the least.
I sympathized with the lot. Doing what Amanda did on a daily basis was most likely not an easy feat. Watching your brother being hurt like that by your father was something I could not even fathom- particularly because I neither had an aggressive father nor did I have any siblings. The combination of having both certainly did not seem pretty.
Josh, too, seemed to have it hard, despite his age. Or perhaps it was because of his age. Jasper, as well as his other siblings, knows now what a father should be. He should hide ice cream for his child like mine does; he should be the one giving awkward dating advice or totally misinterpreting their teen's behavior. I know that, Jasper knows that. But does Josh have an inkling of what a father should be? I hoped his skew version of the figure would correct itself with age. I really did.
It was the subject of my thoughts that startled me from my reverie and alerted me of my new location. He was standing there looking up at me with eyes no child should possess. Nobody should have the ability to make you comply to their wills with just a look. I had to admit that with those large, innocent eyes, I would give Josh anything. "Alice?" He asked, tugging his ear. The pure delight in his tone made me smile along with him, even with my somber thoughts.
"Do you want to go somewhere with me?" I asked, nodding my head with only partially feigned excitement.
His eyes widened as if I had just suggested we travel to Candy Mountain. He nodded eagerly and ran to grab my hand. With his small fingers curled in my own, I looked about to see where the twins are.
I frowned when I did not see them. They were supposed to be watching Josh. It was not as if he was old enough to take care of himself. What if I had been somebody else with not-so-pleasant intentions? A flash of anger pulsed through me before I pushed it away and focused on more prevalent matters. "Do you want to go see Amanda?" I asked the boy next to me.
A confused expression wrinkled his features as he thought. "She said not to follow her because she was going to go somewhere I wasn't supposed to be." He said with a matter-of-fact tone.
I tried to keep my own voice serious so Josh could comprehend the situation. "I know she said that," I lied. "But she could your help right now. She's really sad." It was the understatement of the day, but describing the sobs wracking his sister's body was not something I wanted to share with him.
"She's sad?" He asked, his previous expression only deepening.
"She is." I struggled for words. "She would really like to talk to you. Do you think you could do that?"
He nodded with a grim finality, as if he understood the significance of his doing so. When he did not respond verbally, I took it as a hint that he did not want to communicate his thoughts.
We walked back to Jasper's room at a slowed pace compared to the one I had used to get to Josh. It was due to his small strides, but it did not bother me too much. We had to get to Amanda soon seeing her current mood. However, that did not mean I was anxious to do so.
When we rounded the last corner, the room was finally in sight. I knew without even glancing inside that Amanda had not moved, still curled up on the bed shaking. I let go of Josh's hand and knelt down so I was at his level. "Can you go talk to her?" I asked him softly so as the sole occupant of the room could not hear me.
"Stay here." He commanded me with stern eyes- an almost comical look. Without another words he slide into the room with determination in his demeanor. "Amanda?" He asked. It was eavesdropping to stand here listening in. And although I should have left the doorway so they could have a private conversation, I did not.
The girl looked up with surprise. Her crying stopped instantly and I did not want to know whether or not that was an ability she had to learn growing up. All tears just… vanished. Apart from her puffy eyes and red cheeks, I would have thought she was simply sleeping. "Why are you here?" She asked in a tone not unfriendly.
"You are sad and you really want to talk to me." He said, clearly repeating my words from earlier from a different prospective.
Amanda seemed to notice that these words where not his own as well. She gave a smile, one that looked completely genuine even though I doubted it was, and patted the bed next to her with a peculiar expression on her face. "I do, do I?" She asked in a kid-friendly tone. I was surprised by how good of an act she could put on. "What do I want to talk about?"
Josh smiled his brilliant little smile. "You want to talk about why you're sad. Otherwise you might not know."
I laughed silently at how the comment seemed to make little sense. Amanda appeared to be used to this, or at least she portrayed no genuine feelings of annoyance or confusion. Her expression was serious. "I'm sad because I miss our brother."
Josh looked at her for a moment, comprehending her reply. "Jasper?" He asked. Amanda gave him a sad smile and nodded in response. "Did you see him?"
"I did." Her voice did not lose that same tone. "But he's really sick. He was sleeping so he'd get better soon."
"Like I did when I got that fever?" The innocent question brought tears to my eyes and I felt even guiltier for listening in. I still didn't move though. I wanted to hear what Amanda would say.
She nodded again, a smile still on her face. "Exactly," She said- proud that he had comprehended her message.
"You don't need to be sad then." Josh said. "I got better after sleeping it off and Jasper will too because he's older and doesn't get fevers very often." When she did not say something immediately, Josh continued. "Tell her, Alice. Jasper will be good as new soon."
As soon as the boy spoke those words, Amanda's head shot up in my direction as if she had subconsciously knew where I was. Her eyes narrowed slightly, losing the manner in which was using when talking to Josh. "Alice," She acknowledged.
"Hi, Amanda," I said with more of a smile in my voice than I intended. It sounded out of place in this context. I did not mention the fact though, nor did she. Josh just stood there, looking expectantly between the two of us.
Amanda nodded, answering a question in her head. "The doctors said he'd be back in an hour." I knew she was speaking of Jasper.
"When did they say that?" I asked with true curiosity.
Amanda looked up to the ceiling with an almost ditzy look. I was amazed once again at her acting skills. "I think it was, like, an hour and a half ago."
The nonchalant tone was completely misleading. I felt my stomach turn as I thought of the implications. She was giving me this look. It was half begging me to say something comforting, half asking me to regard this information in the same way she did. I went with the latter simply because I was never one for supportive words. That and the fact that Josh was in the room and I'd rather he didn't feel the same way I felt now.
"So any time now, right?" My voice sounded all wrong- forced and high-pitched, especially compared to Amanda's. She nodded with the grace of somebody who actually knew what they were doing.
"Amanda?" Josh asked suddenly, breaking off what small conversation we were having. I gave me a break so I could take a breath and smother the feelings that arose, as well as the thoughts.
"Yes?" She sounded distracted.
"Why are you taller than Alice if she is older than you?" It was asked in complete seriousness, just as our earlier conversation had been in.
Amanda let out a laugh, whether for her benefit or for his, I don't know. I allowed myself a smile of my own, but that was it. My thoughts did not allow me the luxury of the laugh Amanda had made. I was all too aware of the fact Jasper was not present. I felt a longing I had suppressed recently flare once again. I wanted him near me. Placing a hand over my heart subconsciously, I listened to Amanda's explanation.
"Sometimes people are just shorter than others. We come from a very tall family were Alice comes from a shorter family. Do you understand?"
Josh nodded. "Does this mean I'll be tall too, like Jasper?" He asked enthusiastically.
Amanda's smile disappeared off of her face immediately. Her answer was solemn despite the playful words. "Maybe taller,"
Josh giggled and continued to ask questions as Amanda continued to answer them, being a considerate older sister. I was silent, standing patiently on the outskirts. I did not want to leave the room. That would mean not seeing Jasper until a while after he got back and I did not want to have to wait.
It seemed that time had always hated me. It would go slow when I was waiting and sped up when I did not have time. This was another time when I was reminded of this thought. I closed my eyes and pictured Jasper standing next to me. He would be fumbling with his silly bandage like he always did. Most likely his eyes would be downward despite my constant reminder to have eye contact. In all honesty, he would be much taller than me like Josh had pointed out. I was rather short, and Jasper was admittedly pretty tall.
But of course, Jasper's stance would not be the erect one I had taken on, but a slouched position that could only be Jasper's. Perhaps I might take it upon myself to lean onto him. I had not had the confidence to do so before, but I wanted to know. I would rest my head against his chest and pull his arms around me to give me both warmth and support.
But that was only if he was here, and he was not. He was in the hospital somewhere. Though that hardly gave me any solace, even if I knew it to be true. I wanted him to be right here, just as I had imagined him. That way, I could try my novel idea and see how he reacted. I'd hope he would enjoy the embrace as much as I did. But then again, it was only a dream. It would be a while before I could be in that situation, if ever.
It was during my thoughts about Jasper when I heard a comforting disturbance. I knew from the idle, albeit professional, chatter that there were either or doctors or nurses coming into the room. Opening my eyes, I saw a couple of them rolling in the gurney with a limp and unconscious Jasper aboard. My eyes scanned him for some sort of indication that he was hurt, but he looked almost the same- if not a little paler.
Once they situated him back into the original bed, the medical staff left the room. They may or may not have said something to me, but I would not know. I was simply focused on him, laying there still. My heart wrenched once again, knowing there was nothing I could do. Jasper had so much faith in me. Even during my horrific vision, where I couldn't comprehend the brutality of somebody, Jasper had thought of me. He had asked for my help. I couldn't though. I could do nothing but watch.
Again, it was eventually Josh who broke my currant train of though. His expression had resumed his customary frown of confusion. He looked first to me, and then to Amanda before voicing his question. "So Jasper is just sleeping off his fever?"
Tears ran down my cheeks as I let out a bark of laughter. In the back of mind, I knew it sounded crazy, but I did not pay attention the fact. Amanda looked at me with worried eyes as I responded. "Yes, Josh. He is just sleeping so he can get better soon."
I ended up falling asleep next to Jasper while Amanda and Josh sat near by. How Amanda managed to silence the little boy, I did not know. I do know, however, that it was not him to wake me up. In fact, it was my mother gently shaking my shoulder that brought me back to the outside world.
"It's time to go home." My mother said, standing in my field of vision. As I blearily opened my eyes, her face came into focus. I felt so tired. I just wanted to fall back asleep and wait for Jasper to wake up. My mother's words did not register until she repeated them again.
"What?" I asked, my voice thick from sleep. I sounded tired, and my appearance probably matched. I knew what my mother was saying, but I had to ask the question, not knowing if she was actually serious.
"It's time to go to bed, Honey. It's almost nine o'clock." My mother had one hand on her hip, but her voice remained gentle. The hand was a just reminder on how fast this could escalate. I didn't want that, but I didn't want to go home either.
"Can't I just sleep here tonight?" The chair I was sitting in was comfortable enough. I had already made a bed out of it and staying longer did not seem like such a bad idea. Moving, however, did. I did not have the energy.
"It's against hospital policy, Alice. And you were at the hospital long enough. Don't you want to sleep in your own bed?" She was going for every offense possible at once. Taking in the rules, the appeal, and the practicality, her argument was sound. It left me to flounder and sound like a rather petulant child.
"I don't care if I sleep in my own bed or not." I could hear the note of stubbornness, but apparently my mother could not.
"Let's go, Alice." She said as if I had not even responded. She reached out a hand for me to grab. I really didn't want to do that.
Amanda was the one to respond. She was still sitting in a chair on the opposite of Jasper having not moved while I slept. "I won't leave him. It's okay if you go and get some rest. You look pretty tired."
I wanted to glare at her. I was nice enough to be kind and forgiving when it came to Jasper. I would not have been out of my rights to say she should not even be allowed in the room. But I didn't say that. I tried to be friend and here she is- just finding an excuse to force me to leave. I gave her a rather sarcastic smile, something that was very unlike me.
Without another word, I stood up without my mother's help and started to leave the room. I gave one last look at Jasper, feeling guilty that I was so unlike the characters in movies. Why couldn't I sit next to his bed and cry like every other person would do? Why did people have to come with the insistence that I left?
When I was out in the hallway, it was only a matter of seconds before my mother came stomping out. "What are you doing, Alice? Why are treating her like that? She's going through a rough time right now. That's her brother in there. She's known him for much longer than you."
I turned around and allowed my voice to get louder than was appropriate. I was unable to keep the biting tone out of my speech. Her words had unleashed anger I did not know I had. "Don't act like you know what you are talking about." I turned away from her as I started to walk away.
My mother kept my pace. "What is that supposed to mean?"
I didn't answer her right away. Rather, I kept walking. I had to slow down some so my mother could take the lead, but that did not mean my anger was appeased. She wouldn't be graced with a response.
"Alice," She demanded. "What is that supposed to mean?" I could tell I was walking in dangerous territory, but I did not respond until we were in the parking lot, heading straight to the car.
"It means that Amanda hardly has the right to be in that room next to Jasper. It means that she deserved my attitude." She knew I was referring the word she commonly used, and it wasn't out of respect.
"What makes you say that? I thought I raised you better than this." She started the car and put it into drive.
"Please, Mom," I scoffed. Taking in another breath, I continued. "Amanda isn't some sweet and kind little girl. You know she did? You wouldn't actually, would you? Because you are all too ready to think I'm the one with the problem. At least I wouldn't sit there and ignore the screams coming from upstairs."
Silence. My mother opened her mouth to say something, but closed it immediately before trying again. Her voice had lost the heat of the argument. "What are you saying?" She asked.
I sighed again at my mother's attempt to get me to talk. I spoke nonetheless, only because I didn't deserve the comments she had made. "Jasper told me about it," I lied. The visions had told me, but I wasn't about to tell my mother that. "His dad would-" Pause. "He would do stuff to him and it wasn't a secret in his house. All of his siblings and his mother, they all knew. And they ignored it like it wasn't even happening. Josh would be the only one to react. And you tell me that she cares more about him than I do? I wouldn't sit there and pretend my life is perfect."
I turned my head to look out the window. The scenery was typical Forks. There were trees and rain and more trees. I didn't want to meet my mom's gaze. She sighed a weary sigh. "Alice," Her voice sounded pained. "Look at me."
I didn't. I kept my eyes trained on the passing objects. "Alice," She warned again.
I turned to glare. "What?"
"You can't judge a person when you have never been in their shoes." She said, ignoring the demand I had just given her.
I didn't answer until we were at the house. I opened the door and looked at my mom. She hadn't moved. "Thanks for the wisdom, Mom." I slammed the door.
The anger was so consuming that it wasn't until I was safely in my room with the door shut that I thought about what I had said. It wasn't pretty and I knew my mother didn't deserve everything I had said to her.
But still, why was she defending her? Amanda had been cruel, no matter what her situation was. She had left Jasper practically for dead. Once that thought crossed my mind, I immediately shuddered. Jasper was not dead, nor was I going to think anything along those lines.
I also felt guilty about thinking those things- about both Jasper and Amanda. It was more the anger than anything that dictated my spiteful thoughts. I should have contained them, but I was just glad that I had refrained from mentioning them in the hospital room. As much as Amanda's blatant comment annoyed me, I agreed with my mother when she said the girl was going through a lot.
I prepared for bed while I was thinking despite the fact all wariness had left when my emotions began to pound. Still, I went through the motions of dressing slowly into a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt and then brushing my teeth with a dentist's precision. All-in-all it was rather boring and by the time I had finished, my mood was much more subdued than it had been before all of this had started.
That, however, did not mean that I was tired. When I turned the lights off and laid in my bed, I did not feel an inkling of the relaxed slumber coming on. I couldn't help but reach over and place my hand on the spot where Jasper had slept the night before. The bed might have been more comfortable, but I would take the chair over the empty feeling in my chest any day.
Something about the way the sheets were still wrinkled and the fact that much time hadn't passed bothered me. It made me feel like something was about of place- that something was wrong. But I knew what I was feeling and I knew why, so I just sat there and stared off into the dark.
I should have fallen asleep. Jasper was sleeping at the moment. Why couldn't I do the same? Into whatever realm we fall in when we sleep, we could be there together. The thought was comforting, but it did not make my eyelids heavier nor did it truly relax my mind.
It did, however, make me feel lonely. Knowing that recently I had a companion with me made me all the more alone. The room was quiet and there was not a movement about. I was the only one here.
I wasn't as much crying about these thoughts as pushing myself farther away from this plane of existence. That's why when my cell phone rang I was extremely surprised. The sound of the multi-tonal ringing broke the wall of silence that had enveloped me. I pushed the blankets off of me and reached into my jacket's pocket. Upon grasping the object, I ceased the noise by bringing it up to my ear and pressing the call button. "Hello?"
It briefly confused me why somebody would be calling at this time before the person replied and I did not think twice. "Alice?"
"What happened? Is everything okay?" I demanded immediately. Panic glared in my gut at the sound of Rosalie's voice. Why would she be calling me if not for bad news?
"Everything's fine, Alice." There was a hint of a smile in her voice, and that calmed the frantic note of my emotions into a dulled confusion.
I didn't want to sound rude to my friend, but I was simply trying to find an answer to soothe my beating heart. "Why are you calling then?" I suppose I was within my rights of asking this. After all, it was after midnight by the time she called.
"It's Jasper." She said. I felt my heart flutter trying to think of the reason behind her calling. "He woke up."
Thousands of thoughts and feelings rushed through me, too many to ponder each one. After taking a second to catch my breath, I heard my voice asking. "Is he- Is he awake as in actually awake?"
I hardly made sense, but this did not seem to bother Rosalie. She still sounded thrilled when she responded. "He's really awake, Alice." There was a small pause. "He's asking for you."
"Ten minutes." I said. "Give me ten minutes." Without even a good-bye I flung the phone shut and only paused to grab my jacket on the way out of my room. I tried to be quiet as I thundered down the stairs, but I hardly put an effort into it. Most of my thoughts were directed on the fact that I not wanted but needed to move as quickly as possible.
I hardly thought of what I was doing as I slid on some shoes and started off to the hospital in a full out sprint. It was usually a thirty minute walk to my destination, but I knew I wasn't exaggerating when I said ten. Jasper was asking for me. And if he needed my help, I would be there to give it to him.
Jasper Point of View
"Jasper," He was saying. "Hey, Buddy. Can you pay attention to my voice? Ignore everything else."
The voice was smooth and deep. It sounded caring and carried a certain amount of respect. It would have been easy to focus on if I could remember where I was.
But I couldn't. There was a flurry of motion around me as sounds penetrated the air. Hands were touching me and somebody was holding my shoulder gently. The action was familiar, even though it was still uncomfortable. I squirmed under the hand as I tried to orient myself in the blur around me.
It was hard to focus on anything with the pain that was basically everywhere. I tried to say something, but my mouth was obstructed. I felt my heartbeat skyrocket. I was having trouble breathing. I scrunched my eyelids shut as I tried to push air into my lungs. That same voice was still talking to me. "Jasper? You need to focus. Can you try and cough for me?"
How could I cough if I could not breathe? I felt like somebody was trying to suffocate me. Nevertheless, I still tried to do so. Rather than sucking air in I tried pushing it out. At the same time, something was scratching inside of my throat. It was painful and I started to cough harder. I was trying to evade the hand on my shoulder and get away from this hell.
The obstruction was gone seconds later, but I was still having trouble breathing. I wanted to cry as the air singed my swollen throat. It was one pain to add to the list as I tried now to pull myself inward, ignoring all of the prodding hands.
"You did well, Jasper" The voice repeated my name. "It's over now." But it wasn't. Every nerve in my body was on fire. I shifted my position and it only increased the flame. I was having trouble keeping the tears from streaming down my face. "Are you in any pain?" The voice was asking.
That was a question I felt like I could answer. I nodded my head vigorously only to have the ache in my brain increase tenfold. I could hear my heartbeat in my ears and the heavy thudding was not improving the feeling.
"Okay," The voice said. "We'll give you something for that. Can you open your eyes for me?"
I didn't want to. I wanted to fall back into the semi-consciousness I had been in before. The pain was bearable then, if only just. This was not. Too many sensations ravaged my body.
"Jasper," The voice said in warning. It was not threatening, but it made me want to follow the instructions. However, the light penetrating through my closed eyes suggested that they should stay that way. I shook my head no. I was reminded again that it was best to keep from my neck up still.
"The nurse just gave you some pain medicine. You'll feel better in a few minutes." I heard. It seemed impossible for any combination of herbs and extracts combined with scientific research to diminish the feelings right now. I could hear a groan come from somewhere at the same time my throat caught fire once again.
I still wanted to cry. I had always been good at grimacing through it, but I was scared right now. I was in pain and I couldn't understand where I was and what was going on. The voice whispered comforting things in my ear but I had all but completely forgotten it.
I didn't want to move at the same time I needed to escape. Every time I moved one of my muscles the accompanying flare of pain would reveal itself. I stood stock still, but even that did not cease the throbbing ache.
It was only after a certain coolness seeped through my veins could I focus on anything except myself. Everything became dulled down at the same time my surroundings made themselves known to me. The voice was still talking and I started to make out the words midsentence. "-going to be okay. You just need to relax. Open your eyes for me, Jasper. You're in the hospital and everything is going to be okay." It sounded like a repeat, as if the person had gone through this speech more than once.
I felt safer opening my eyes, but the burst of light that came in was too much. I immediately shut them again. The voice stopped momentarily before starting up again. "That was really good, Jasper. Can you try again? I dimmed the lights."
I opened them again. I was staring at the ceiling. And even though the medication had dulled the pain, my headache was more than prominent at this increase of light. A man's face came into view. I recognized him. I could match the voice to his visage. "Jasper? Do you remember me?"
I nodded, and for the third time I wish I didn't. "Yes," I said, only to discover that talking was just as bad.
"You had a tube in your throat. It will hurt to talk. But that's very good, Jasper. Do you know where you are?" He kept repeating my name. I remembered who I was, I didn't need him to keep saying it. I knew my name.
I did not, however, know where I was. I knew I was in something soft. I knew I was in a place with whooshing sounds and a rather cool temperature. I shuddered at that. Goosebumps popped up on my arms. "Are you cold?" The man asked.
I didn't know how to respond. I didn't want to respond. I wanted to go back to sleep where I did not have to deal with this. It might have been unpleasant before, but this was torture. The man repeated his question and I felt obligated to respond.
"Yes," My voice came out as a whisper, but that did not mean that the burning in my throat did not make itself more pronounced once again.
"I'll get you a blanket." The man said. He disappeared out of my line of vision before popping back in it seconds later with a thin blanket in his hands. I didn't feel the extra weight of said blanket, but after a few moments the shivers did diminish some.
"That better?" He asked. The concern infused with his tone matched the man's appearance to a name. Carlisle. Dr. Cullen. I managed to make myself nod yes, even if I was dreading it. Carlisle smiled. "Good," He said. "Do you know where you are?" He asked again.
This time, I was brave enough to tilt my head to the side to see if I could recognize the place. The machinery and walls looked familiar, everything did, but I could not put a name to this place, even if I knew I had been here before.
"No," I said. My throat did not feel any better. I was resolved to not respond verbally again. Anything to avoid talking sounded okay at this point.
"You are in the hospital." He said. Questions slowly formed in my mind. I didn't know how I got here. I did not know why I was here. If the pain was any indication, however, I knew being here made sense. I just couldn't remember the reasons behind it. My heart started pounding faster as I thought of my lapse in memory. What if something had happened? Where was Josh? Where was Alice?
The thought of her did not soothe my anxiety this time. Where was Alice? I had to ask, even if every word burned before it had even escaped my mouth. "Alice." I said, not wanting to say more, but wanting to get my message across. "Where is she?"
Carlisle expression looked confused. "She's at home. She is okay." I could tell he wanted to say more, but I interrupted him.
"I want Alice. Where is she?" The tears were coming harder. I could feel my body shaking. And despite what they had given me, the pain increased.
"Jasper," Carlisle said, placing his hand on my shoulder. I did not like that. Flashes of a bright light and worried faces sprang to mind from that touch. I tried to shrug it off without moving too much. Carlisle immediately removed his hand before continuing. "You need to relax. Alice is alright. Nothing happened to her."
The words did not register in my mind. She was not here. My heart was beating harder and harder. Confusion was blurring all rational thought, confusion and worry. I heard somewhere in the back of my mind a door opening before another face came into view. She was blond and pretty, but not who I was looking for. A name sprung to mind before she even opened her mouth. "He's awake?" She asked in astonishment. "Jasper? How are you feeling?"
I did not want to answer her as mush as I did not want to answer Carlisle. I closed my eyes shut. If I could not see them, they were not there. I heard Carlisle respond, but he was not talking to me. "Rosalie, can you call Alice?" He was saying. "Jasper is worried about her."
I did not hear Rosalie answer, but I did hear footsteps leaving the room. Carlisle's words did not make sense to me. The meaning was there, I just could not translate it. He was saying something else. His voice was still calm and relaxed, but I could hear the tension in it.
His voice continued to resound through the room. And even though I could not bring forth the energy to listen to it, the gentle tone it sent out was about the only comforting thing I could think of. It lessoned the feeling that I could not smother.
But nothing could have the effect I desired, nothing but feeling Alice's hand in mine. Nothing could compare to Alice's physical presence. I didn't know where she was. I did not know if she was okay. Trying to come up with an answer to either of these unknowns was near impossible.
As my apprehension increased, the other feelings seemed to as well. I was so uncomfortable. Even the soft bed I was laying on seemed to be only a pressure to my already aching limbs. Each breath I pulled in only seemed to fuel the fire in my throat. I could feel the tears on my face, and even they seemed to add to my discomfort.
"Alice is okay, Jasper. You are okay. You need to relax. If you don't, they're going to have to give you something. You're not ready for this Jasper. Just relax. You will feel better." The voice continued. I could hardly remember who it belonged to. It chanted words along the same meaning. I tuned it out once again. I wanted everything to end.
I just wanted Alice. I wanted to feel okay. I wanted everything to stop bombarding my poor head. But none of that happened and the feelings I wanted to stop stayed strong. The voice continued on. It kept repeating itself. "Rosalie is going to go get Alice right now. She will be happy to hear that you have woken up. But to stay awake you need to calm down, Jasper."
I could understand that. He told me I needed to relax if I wanted to see Alice. It was slightly ironic that seeing Alice seemed like the only thing I could thing of that could sooth my rushing heartbeat.
Seeing her smile would have the same effect. Hearing her voice would smother the fire. Just feeling the electricity and energy that always seemed to bound off the small girl would be okay.
"That's good, Jasper. Just calm down. Can you hear what I am saying?" The voice continued. It was Carlisle's voice. I opened my eyes once again. I felt slightly better thinking of Alice. "That's really good. Stay right here. You don't need to think about anything else."
"Alice?" I managed to get out of my swollen throat. Carlisle nodded slowly.
"She is going to be here soon. She was at home sleeping when you woke up. Do you know what time it is?"
His question was rather stupid. That much I could think of. If I could not recognize where I was, how could I know what time it was? I shook my head, and this time the blaring pain did not radiate harder. It was the same as before. My confidence grew as I shifted my weight off of one of my throbbing limbs hesitantly.
"It's very late. Almost two in the morning. I was sleeping too. But the racket you made woke me up. With all of the monitors going off and the nurses in here, it would have been hard to sleep." He continued talking, never moving out of my sight. However, I stopped listening.
Once again I found it too hard to concentrate on his continuous talk. I appreciated it, but the meaning escaped me. I closed my eyes to evade the fluorescent lights. My body still hurt and my mind still was somewhat frantic, but I could focus on the tone of Carlisle's voice. It continued and continued. Without even a meaning, I could appreciate it. I was grateful he was here.
But I still wanted Alice. He was no substitution for the girl I had depended on for so long. I could wait for her though. And when she got here, I wanted an explanation. I was still confused. She could explain everything. And even if she didn't, I could listen to her. She had such a pretty voice. I knew that she could fix my oversensitive extremities. She could fix the pounding my head, the burning in my throat. But until then, I listened to the sound of Carlisle's voice and I drifted -not into sleep- but into a relaxed state of waiting, waiting for Alice to come.
Alice Point of View
The elevator would not move fast enough. You would think that after centuries of random toggling with bits and pieces- as well as the invention of electricity- that an elevator in the hospital would be pretty quick. Think about it, if someone were dying or something, would they really sit and wait on the stupid elevator's doors to close?
No. That would be stupid. But they did do such a thing, and for that I could barely believe the truth. I was practically dying here, and I had to wait for the slow procession of various tasks to be made before the elevator jerked to a start and started to move upward.
You would also think the elevator would be smoother here. Like I said, this is a hospital. If somebody had to perform emergency surgery on the way, what would they do?
All in all, the invention of the modern elevator- particularly those in hospitals- is one that people will need to review. The stupid piece of machinery could not be any slower and I had somewhere I needed to be, someone I needed to be with.
My foot was tapping anxiously against the floor on its own accord. I watched it tap out of rhythm with the music playing in the background. Another addition to the elevator: better music. This was not where I wanted to be.
I had made it pretty evident to any bystander that I wanted to be in the hospital quickly. Just the fact that my face was red and my breathing was labored from the running was an indication that my patience was short right now.
That's why when the elevator opened its doors to the correct floor, I let out a sigh of both annoyance at the length of time that it took and relief at the fact that-no matter how long that actually was- I was finally here.
Taking as long of strides as my legs would allow, I briskly walked through the maze of hallways. I was having a sense of déjà vu having been in this situation only hours before. In the back of my mind, I warned myself not to get too excited. I knew that Jasper would probably be only semi-coherent or maybe he even fell back to sleep.
As long as he was okay though. I would do anything to make sure he was okay, and that was one of the reasons I found myself so anxious despite the fact things had gone less than okay last time I made this trek.
Nothing would ever stand out in my mind more than the expression on Jasper's face the last time I ran to find him. I would never forget the way my stomach plummeted and my legs shook when I saw him like that. However, I was determined to ignore the fact as I walked with a purpose to his room.
It was just around the corner, roughly twenty-five feet or so. There were only twenty-five feet separating me from him. Twenty now. I used all of my restraint to keep from literally throwing myself towards the door. I would enter with the calm state of being Jasper tended to be in when he was not nervous. It was the least I could do.
I turned the corner and was surprised to see people gathered around Jasper's door. Edward, Esme, and Rosalie were all standing and talking about something right in front of me. I came to a half a few steps away. Rosalie took immediate notice. "Alice!" She exclaimed with a wide smile on her face, engulfing me in a hug. "He really wants to see you."
My heart skipped a beat at that notion. Rosalie had told me something similar earlier, but I still felt loved when I heard that I was the person Jasper wanted to see most at this point. "He does?" I heard myself ask.
Edward gave a quirky smile. "Well, duh."
I stuck my tongue out at the boy before looking hopefully at the closed door. Nobody had moved away from it, allowing me entrance. I was going to voice my opposition to the fact when Carlisle stepped out. He looked genuinely surprised to see me and his haggard face lit up. "I'm so glad you're here." His expression darkened slightly. "I can't get him to really calm down. It's not good for him."
I felt my own euphoria at the fact that he was awake dampen. "But he's going to be okay now, right? Now that he's awake?"
Carlisle gave me a short nod. "He definitely is over the hump. Alice, when you go in there, make sure to stay very calm." He warned. "He's on some pretty heavy medication so you might notice he's a little loopy, but that's to be expected. Try to get him to go to sleep. He needs his rest."
I nodded, feeling like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders. It was such a responsibility according to Carlisle. This was not a happy rendezvous, it was a serious situation. Although I was still both extremely glad and excited to see Jasper again, I had a solemn look on my face. "Can I go in now?"
He took a step to the side. With a feeling of anticipation coursing through my veins, I hesitantly pushed the book open and walked into the room.
It was the same room as before. Nothing obvious had changed about it. The walls were still the same color and the beds were still in the same place. However, it did not feel like the same dreary room from before. My mood was still much lighter than it had been the first time I entered Jasper's room.
My eyes did not stay focused on the ceiling or the bed for too long. Almost immediately, I found them centralized on the person on the bed. With his blue eyes opened and exposed to the world, the being that before I could barely associate with Jasper now seemed like the person I have come to know so well. "Jasper," I said, his name rolling of my tongue without much thought.
He was laying almost completely horizontally, and when he struggled to get a view of the person speaking to him, I walked into his range. His eyes filled with tears. "Alice," He said. His voice was scratchy and rough. It sounded painful. Every injury adorning his body looked gruesome, but he paid no notice.
His casted hand fumbled around, and it took me a second to comprehend the reasoning for it. I immediately grasped his fingers and gripped them as tightly as I felt safe doing so.
Simultaneously lowering myself into a chair, I never let my gaze wander from his. I didn't say anything. I couldn't formulate words, yet alone complete phrases. Jasper broke the silence with his hoarse voice. "I thought you were gone,"
The childlike innocence of the phrase struck me. I felt tears building in my own eyes as I shook my head no. "I would never leave you, Jasper." I did not know exactly what he had been referring to with his statement, but I knew mine applied in all contexts.
He had closed his eyes before I began speaking, as if his one comment had all but exhausted him. I would have thought him to be asleep if his thumb had not been drawing circles of the back of my hand. I relaxed at that sole movement. It spoke more than words ever could. It was amazing to feel motion from somebody who had laid still for so long.
"I missed you." He said. He looked out-of-it; that much was obvious. But still, I felt my own confusion at his words. I squeezed his hand just a little harder.
"But I wasn't gone." If he hadn't felt my presence… My heart sunk at the notion. All of the time I had spent waiting here- pleading to be by his side- I hadn't even comforted him. Jasper closed his eyes wearily.
"I know." He said, barely opening his mouth to speak. Those simple words lifted my mood tenfold. I turned his casted arm around in mine, exposing his palm. Maybe he really could sense me as much as I was alert of his being near me. Maybe we truly did belong together.
But that thought of the future made me shudder slightly. As far as what's going to happen, that was unclear. All of the uncertainties that lay ahead made me want to curl up and forget it all. I found myself speaking my major worry aloud. "What's going to happen?"
The question was similar to that of the one Rosalie asked. However, while hers was to seek necessary information and full of confidence, I could hear the crack in my voice. I shouldn't have spoken. I didn't want Jasper to think of the fact he might be moving back to Texas. I was pretty sure he would be as upset as I was.
It was to my surprise; however, when I saw him smile. "This was your idea." He let out a weak laugh, which escalated into a cough that I didn't think was going to stop. Panic was prominent in me as I touched his back. He had sat up in the process of his half-coughing half-choking.
Inching closer, I didn't know what to do other than stand there. Eventually, it died down. He leaned back on the pillows with a grimace on his face. He looked whiter than the sheets at this point.
"I'm so sorry, Jasper." I said, allowing my own pain to seep into my voice. I closed my eyes, wishing everything could just disappear for a minute and allow me to gather my bearings.
"Hey," Jasper's voice interrupted me thoughts before they could grow in severity. I opened my eyes and focused them on his pain-filled ones. His voice was worse than ever and his breathing was ragged. "This isn't your fault."
I let out a deep breath I didn't realize I was holding. However, that did not stop me from squeezing his hand tightly, nor did it change the fact that my eyes were overcome by tears. I couldn't keep the sobs inside of me. "How can you say that? You being here? Yeah, that's my fault." I opened my mouth to continue in a voice almost as rough as Jasper's.
"Alice," The one word stopped me in my tracks. I could hear the effort it took Jasper to say it. I could practically feel my own throat swell up with his pain. His eyes were focused on mine, despite looking glassy. "I chose to go through with this and it was my idea to return. Settle this as a no fault?" He had a tired smile on his face by the end.
My own face broke out in an expression that could hardly be described as a smile. To both appease him and the growing emotions in my stomach, I quickly agreed. "I can deal with that."
"Then it's settled." The finality in his voice allowed no room for argument. I felt compelled to leave it as is. However, my mouth ran faster than my brain, and before I even had comprehended my own thoughts, I was asking Jasper the same question I regretted earlier.
"You never answered my question." I suppose it was my fears just getting away from me. Of course, it also could be my own stupidity. Either way, I tried to hide the expression that threatened to show itself. I didn't want Jasper to know that I hardly had a grasp on everything, and the marred visage that almost escaped would have been indicative of exactly that.
"Which one?" I could tell Jasper was getting more and more droopy at this point. He had his eyes closed once again. His fingers relaxed in my hand and for a second I wondered if he had fallen asleep. That thought, however, disappeared when he repeated his question.
I drew in a breath, trying to be calm. "What is going to happen?"
Before he responded, I went through the possibilities with as much detachment as possible. Jasper might move to Texas. It seemed more than likely. He could go live with his aunts and uncles and be happy there. His parents could somehow be released, but that likelihood was small enough I hardly considered it. Jasper could go to the custody of somebody that lived nearby. Maybe a neighbor liked his family enough that they were willing to take him in. There were a million different futures ahead of him and his siblings. But as I went through them, I tried to keep from breaking down.
"Alice, I honestly don't know." Jasper said. He hardly sounded coherent, and his eyes barely cracked open as he spoke.
"But," I began, hardly comprehending the manner in which he admitted that the future was so uncertain. It was everything.
"But nothing. It doesn't matter." He didn't sound half-awake now, but the words he was speaking could hardly have been thought through. He sounded crazy. I squeezed his hand again.
"How can you say that?" I whispered. I needed to know the reasoning behind his declaration. Had he lost the hope in his future?
"Because it doesn't, Alice. As long as I have you, nothing matters." His eyes were peering into my own with a confidence I did not know he possessed. His words, as well, were more convinced than ever. My stomach twisted inside of me. I could feel my eyes widening and filling with tears once again.
"Jasper," My voice came out in a coarse whisper.
"Alice," He said, looking away before meeting my gaze once again. He took a breath before speaking. "I know I love you."
With those words, I felt such confidence that I knew where his determination and resolve came from. I did not consider the words my mom had told me about teenage love; I was not worried about the fact that we had only known each other for a short period of time; I was not troubled by anything. The future didn't matter anymore. As long as Jasper with me, everything was just right.
I felt myself leaning down and kissing him on his lips. It was not like the bashful kiss to his fingers, nor was it anything like the embarrassed kiss from the classroom. It had as much conviction as Jasper's voice. And when I spoke, it had as confidence as my words. Everything was going to be right. "I know I love you too."
28