CHAPTER 21
Peeta and I have managed to keep up our happily married act for three days, going on four. Except for me and Peeta's heated conversation with Haymitch, Will's birthday went by without a hitch. Maysi was overjoyed by Haymitch's presence, as she always is. Will is learning to appreciate him, too. I think my old mentor gives them the same oddly safe feeling that he's always given me.
Anyway, we ate cake, opened birthday presents, and spent time with the kids until well past their bedtime. We only dialed down once Haymitch decided it was time for him to go, but he ended up staying the night in our downstairs guest bedroom when he looked outside and noticed how deep the snow had gotten.
The past three days have been a breeze. Every morning, the kids have gone to school and Peeta has gone to the bakery. And every afternoon, I take them home and Peeta comes home from work a few hours later. There is no mention of Gale. I haven't seen him since the night I spent with him and I haven't spoken to him since I bailed on the second night we planned together, which was Will's birthday. There is also no mention of Prim, who Peeta must know about. How much does he know? I can't say. I haven't brought her up since our argument, though.
Today is Thursday. The train for the Capitol is leaving tomorrow morning. Peeta didn't go in to the bakery today because he wanted to help me pack for the trip.
"What time is it?" Peeta shouts from downstairs, where he's probably still fishing around in the coat closet.
"Barely past noon," I call back. He doesn't say anything else, so I resume my packing. Technically, I don't need to pack much. We'll have stylists to take care of wardrobe, hair, and makeup while we're in the Capitol.
For the duration of the trip, we'll be staying in the old Training Center. Each district floor has more than enough bedrooms for the prep teams, stylists, mentor, district escort, and tributes. Since only past victors will be attending this get-together, there will be plenty of room for each victor to stay on their district floor. For some, such as the Careers who take pride in their victory, this return to their pre-Games living quarters will be nostalgic and exciting. But for those of us who dread even the mention of the Games, it will become a cause for more nightmares.
Since there are only three living victors from District 12, I will be staying on the twelfth floor in the Training Center building along with Peeta and Haymitch.
I try to think through who else will be there, where will they be staying, and with who. Johanna will be on the District 7 floor. I don't know of any other victors that are coming from her district. Annie will be on the District 4 floor with the other victors from her district, including an elderly woman named Muscida and a woman in her late twenties named Saller. On the District 1 floor will be a pair of twins, Silver and Silvia, and a middle-aged man named Opal. Leave it to District 1 to name their children such shiny names. A monstrous man named Quake from District 2. Beetee from District 3. An extremely smart technician named Anun from District 5. A highly-sexualized woman named Basa from District 9 who earned fame and gained sponsors by having sex with nearly every boy in the arena. That was a particularly disastrous year because the Gamemakers never exactly planned for something like that. They had to censor out so much footage of her that she was barely ever shown.
What Games did all these people win? Silver and Silvia from District 1 are twins. Silver won the 71st Games at thirteen years old and Silvia won the 72nd Games at fourteen years old. The odds clearly were not in their family's favor. They remind me a lot of Cashmere and Gloss, a brother and sister duo who were also from District 1, but were killed in the third Quarter Quell. Anyway, both Silver and Silvia had an almost uncanny talent for throwing knives. Opal, also from District 1, was in the 44th Games when he was sixteen. I don't know much about him, but he's sixty-one years old and a friend of Haymitch's. He turned to alcohol too not longer after winning. Quake won the 68th Games when he was only twelve years old. At such a young age, the odds were stacked firmly against him, but he won from the simple fact that he was the biggest tribute there, as well as a Career. Muscida from District 4 won the 17th Hunger Games and Saller, from the same district, won the year before I did. I don't know much about the others. Basa from District 9 won the 69th Hunger Games at the age of fifteen. She befriended boy tributes by seducing them, then killed them after using them. Then she won in a final battle against a girl from District 2.
In a little more than twenty-four hours, I'll be in a room with all of these victors and then some. But first, I have to survive the train ride to the Capitol. Fortunately, the only people that will be riding the train with me are Peeta and Haymitch, unless Gale changes his mind. But I know he won't. He's too stubborn. He still hates the Capitol even though the war is over and has been for years. He still wouldn't be caught dead anywhere near it.
I am just finishing up packing my things when Peeta comes in the room. I zip my luggage bag shut before turning towards him.
"I'm not ready," he says when he has my attention.
"I'm not either," I admit. "I don't know anyone."
"Well, we do know a few people. But that's not what I'm worried about. I just don't want to be there in that train, and in those rooms... I don't want to be in the Capitol at all." His voice cracks during the last sentence. I see him struggling to maintain his strength, but he's barely managing it. So when tears begin to slip down his cheeks, I'm not surprised.
I walk towards him without any idea what I'm going to do when I reach him. At first, I stand there, unsure whether my comfort is desired. I tentatively hold out my arms to him. He is as hesitant as I am, but embraces me nonetheless.
"Shouldn't I be the one comforting you?" he murmurs into my hair.
"We're comforting each other," I reply, my ear against his chest.
We hold each other for a while longer, then he steps back. "Sorry."
"Nothing to apologize for," I say. "They can't hurt you anymore."
"I know. It's just the memories of it."
We share a long, meaningful look. Then he looks away and leaves the room without another word, and I know he must be thinking of the lies that the Capitol forced inside his brain about me.
It's Friday morning. December 11, to be exact. Today, Peeta and I will board the train that will take us to the Capitol. We're expected to arrive in the Capitol tomorrow afternoon.
This morning, I woke up to find my mother, Maysi, and Will playing on the floor in Maysi's bedroom. I stood in the doorway for a few minutes, silently watching them.
"Hi," I said finally.
My mother looked up at me with a huge smile. "Hi, Katniss. Peeta called me a few hours ago. He said I should go ahead and come over."
"Why?" I asked.
"He said that the two of you would want plenty of time for goodbyes at the train station, so it would be smart for you to leave earlier."
I sighed, irritated already. "I wish he had told me that."
"Go easy on him, sweetie. He has a lot to deal with right now."
I rolled my eyes at her in utter annoyance. "No more than what I have to deal with."
Then I left the room and walked downstairs to find Peeta, reading a book and drinking hot tea. He had his dark brown, rectangular reading glasses on his face. When he heard he enter, he looked at me from over the top of his glasses frames.
"Good morning," he greeted in a cheerful voice.
I decides to skip the greetings and jump straight into the topic of trouble. "Why is my mother here?" I asked.
"I thought that we could leave early enough for you to say goodbye to Gale," he replied innocently.
"Well, you were wrong," I said. "He's not coming."
"Do you need to talk about it?" Peeta asked, standing and following me to the pantry.
"There's nothing to talk about. He's just not coming. So don't waste your time." When I turned around, I saw Peeta's disbelieving stare. "What?"
"He loves you, Katniss. He'll be there. And if he doesn't, then spending a week without you won't be as easy as he thinks."
"That's nice of you to say, but it's not helping anything. Besides, I haven't seen him in five days already. He won't have a problem keeping that up."
"Was it because you didn't want to see him or because he doesn't want to see you?" Peeta asked.
I opened my mouth to say something back, but there was no reply. I didn't know what was happening, but I was drifting away from Gale.
That's why I am shocked now, as Peeta and I walk to the train station, to see Gale standing behind the roped-off boarding area. He hasn't seen me yet, so I keep quiet.
"I told you he'd be here," Peeta mutters.
"About what you said earlier... I didn't want to see him," I say.
"Why not?" he asks. He seems genuinely concerned for the wellness of me and Gale's relationship, but I can see through it. Somehow, he knows what's gone wrong. He has brought up Prim more than a few times since last week when I found out about Gale's relationship with her. That can't be a coincidence, can it?
Even if it is just a coincidence, I'd rather not fuel his supposed concern. So I lie - something I've found myself doing a lot lately - and say, "I've been busy."
Peeta doesn't look like he believes my story, but he dismisses it anyway. About this time, my eyes lock with Gale's and any amount of displeasure I had for him vanished. He is still several yards away, but we close the distance quickly. He stands from the bench he was sitting on and walks towards me. Then he stops and holds out his arms, which I am jumping into mere seconds later. He holds me while I kiss him, my hands on either side of his face. Then he puts me back on the ground, where we smile at each other. Two people, madly in love.
I shake my head suddenly to clear it. No, no, we're not madly in love. Where did that thought come from? We love each other, but in love? My feelings aren't set in stone yet.
"What's wrong?" Gale asks, observing my confusion.
"Nothing," I say. Then I smile to cover up whatever doubt I gave him about the authenticity of my reaction to seeing him. "I missed you."
He smiles back at me. "I missed you too, Catnip."
Gale's focus is pulled away by someone standing behind me. I turn my head to find that it's Peeta. I let go of Gale and stand at his side so I am facing my husband. Peeta is desperately trying to mask the repulsed look he is pointing at Gale. I look down at my feet, feeling tense from the atmosphere around me.
"I'm sorry," I say to no one in particular.
"Why?" Gale and Peeta ask in unison. They stare each other down briefly, fighting an unspoken battle that I don't understand. Then they both look back at me for an answer, but I shake my head. There isn't one to give.
There's a loud clatter behind us. I spin around to find that, upon his arrival at the train station, Haymitch has tripped over a potted shrub and knocked it over, causing the pot to shatter.
"Haymitch," I groan as I go over to him. I squat beside him and pick up the broken pieces of the pot. Meanwhile, Peeta and Gale each lend a hand to pull him to his feet.
"Thanks, guys," Haymitch says. He brushes dirt from his pants. That's when I see the outline of the flash in his pocket.
"Have you been drinking?" I ask.
He looks surprised, or as surprised as a loopy Haymitch can get. "No. Why?" I point at his left front pocket. He pats around the outside of the pocket until he feels it. Then he reaches in and pulls out the flask. "Oh."
"Yeah, oh," Peeta says. "Do you want to explain yourself or should I just take it?"
Haymitch sighs. "You do understand that I'm an adult and the two of you are children?"
"I'm thirty-one, Haymitch," I say.
Haymitch raises his eyebrows and laughs. "Wow, you got old fast." He starts to tip the flask to his mouth but Peeta snatches it away from him.
"Hey!"
Peeta's eyes narrow. "You're getting too mouthy."
"And you're getting too strict," Haymitch retorts, reaching over to take his flask back. He drinks one large mouthful from it and then throws it into the pile of broken pieces of pot, where it lands with a clang! Then he wipes his mouth on his shirt sleeve. "That was refreshing after a long day of bullcrap."
"It's still morning," Gale points out.
Haymitch narrows his eyes at Gale, his head bobbling a little from unsteadiness. "Way to be a pessimist."
Peeta and I exchange weary glances. This is going to be a long train ride. At that moment, I hear the loud cluttering of the train on its tracks. Luckily, the four of us are the only people present when the train pulls into place at the station. Clearly no one else was interested in seeing us off.
Gale pulls me into his arms and hugs me tightly. "Be careful," he whispers in my ear.
"I will," I whisper back.
"Promise?"
I nod and pull back from him. His gaze catches mine and holds it. I try to memorize his eyes so I can't forget them. Deep and gray, with the smallest bit of a dull blue hue to them. They're like tunnels. Deep enough for me to get lost in. And I do, quite frequently. They're absolutely beautiful. It's amazing how quickly I can get over my anger at him when he simply looks at me.
Kind of like how Peeta softens when he looks at you, a voice in my mind whispers. I blink quickly several times to clear away the voice, startled by it. Of course, I would be made the bad guy today, and by my own brain.
I turn my attention back to Gale, trying to forget everyone around me. He leans forward and kisses me, his hands holding my face in place the way he always does. I kiss back willingly and try losing myself in it, but I can't. Not when I'm sure that Peeta is behind me, watching. Gale's kiss is getting increasingly hungrier and needier. But I have become still.
He lets go without warning, his eyes boring worried holes into mine. "What's wrong?" he asks again.
I can't tell him what's really wrong. He can't know how guilty I feel when I'm in a room with both him and Peeta. He can't know how horrible it is to have feelings for two people, but to only be able to express those feelings to one of them because the other person is too damaged by the whole thing. It's so complicated and immoral. Nothing about this is right. So I lie.
"I'm just going to miss you," I say.
He gives me a sad smile. "I'll miss you, too, Catnip," he says.
Then he kisses me again, bringing back the dirty, guilty feeling in my gut. But I can't avoid the enjoyment from the kiss, so I kiss back, somewhat greedily. He's not entirely mine, but I want him to be.
"Goodness!" a woman exclaims from behind us. Gale and I break apart and find Effie Trinket, nearly unrecognizable but still shining in all of her Capitol glory, standing in the open door of the train. "So it is true," she gasps. She stares at us for a few seconds longer, then waves her hand in the air in dismissal. "Well, the two of you make a excellent pair. Just precious."
Gale rolls his eyes at Effie, then looks back to me. "I guess this is goodbye, then," he says.
"You act like you're never going to see me again," I laugh. The serious look on Gale's face erases the humor from mine. "I'll be back in a week."
"What if you aren't?" Gale asks. "What if you don't come back?"
"I'll be back, Gale, don't say things like that. I don't know what you're so afraid of."
He doesn't answer. Instead, he leans forward and places a gentle kiss on my forehead. "I love you," he murmurs.
The panic that rushes through every part of my body at the sound of those words sends my heart rate flying. I do love him. I do. But I can't say it back. Not with Peeta standing less than ten feet away. Not with the bugs that are most likely planted in every corner of this train station.
So I say the words that I swore I would never say to him again - not in this context, at least. They leap from the tip of my tongue before I can stop them: "I know."
He takes a step back from me, releasing his hold on me. His reply is in a low enough tone that no one but me can hear him. "You don't have to feel the same, Katniss. Just don't pretend like you do."
And then he's walking through the glass door to the main building of the train station, and I'm watching after him like a lonely puppy, my mouth open and my eyes wide with fear.
What have I done? The moment the words exit my mouth, I know I should've told him that I love him back. Because I do. Don't I?
At this point, I feel so confused that I'm not sure anymore. There's no time for me to worry about Gale, though, as Effie waves us forward to board the train. As soon as we're inside, I give a shudder of remembrance. The train looks just the same as it always has.
Haymitch immediately heads to the table in the corner that has several different alcoholic beverages to choose from. He takes a bottle of white liquor and settles down on a couch on the other end of the car. The same couch where Peeta and I first met him. It seems like that was only yesterday, not fifteen years ago. Peeta and I exchange a wary looks as we watch our old mentor open the bottle and take a long swig from it. Haymitch stopped drinking when he knew he didn't have to think about the Games anymore. Now he's started back again, knowing that everything that happens this week is a reminder of what the Capitol put us through for so many years.
Once the door to the train has closed, a voice comes over the speaker in the ceiling.
"Hi. Welcome to your Capitol Train, powered by TransportMe Inc. Your estimated arrival time with be," at this point the woman's pleasant, smooth voice becomes robotic, "Saturday, December 12 at 3:30 p.m." Then her normal voice returns. "Have a nice trip!"
We all stand silently for a few seconds while we think about the new addition to the train ride.
Peeta is the first to comment. "That's new," he says.
"Yes," Effie replies. "TransportMe Inc. took over every train in Panem shortly after the Capitol's reign ended. One of the districts, I'm not sure which, is home to the company. Anyway, they thought it'd be nice to add a touch of hospitality. And I can't say that I disagree."
Peeta nods without saying anything else. In the silence, Effie studies us carefully. I pretend not to notice and I'm sure Peeta is doing the same. When she's done with her observations, she opens her arms and hugs both of us at the same time.
"I missed you both dearly," she cries out. "You have no idea how lonely it can be up there!"
"Up where?" I ask.
"In the Capitol, of course!" she says. "And goodness, have the two of you grown! How old are you now? Forty? Forty-five?"
My eyes narrow until I'm full-on glaring at her. Peeta catches the glint of anger in my eye and speaks up before I can say anything I'll regret later. "They have a lot of plastic surgery in the Capitol, remember, Katniss? Everyone looks younger than they really are. Like the sixty-year-olds look like they're forty."
Translation: Take it easy on her. She didn't mean it to offend you. She's from the Capitol, she can't control her tongue.
I slowly let my guard back down and allow my face to relax. "Sorry," I mutter.
"We're both thirty-one, Effie," Peeta answers.
"Oh, goodness! Speaking of plastic surgery, the two of you might want to look into some!"
I clench my teeth together. Her endless chatter about all things useless is helping me remember why I hate the people in the Capitol so much. Not Effie, who is tolerable at best, but everyone else.
Peeta, who has his arm around me now, pinches my arm. It doesn't hurt, but it's enough to reiterate his previous point. Don't take it out on her. She doesn't know any better.
I change the subject to avoid any further anger-inducing comments from Effie. "I didn't know you were coming, Effie."
"Oh, I wouldn't miss it for the world! An opportunity to meet my beloved victors and their... er... drunk mentor again? I wasn't going to let you go without me! And between you and me," she leans in towards Peeta and I, "I don't think you'd be able to keep on schedule if it weren't for me. Your mentor seems a bit out of practice with this."
Sure enough, Haymitch has already passed out on the couch. Peeta, Effie, and I laugh quietly at him, sprawled across the cushions with the liquor bottle in hand, though it's about to tip over and spill on the floor.
We spend the rest of the day lightly snacking on finger foods in between large, multiple-course meals of various Capitol delicacies. For lunch, the main course is grilled salmon, which can only be obtained from the ocean bordering District 4. For supper, we have lamb chops surrounded by white rice and covered in a thick, creamy, white gravy. Our meals together consist of friendly chat between Peeta, Effie, and I.
After supper, the three of us - unaccompanied by Haymitch, who was carried to his bed in mid-afternoon by some attendees - watch old television programs from about a century or two ago.
"You know, these are called sitcoms," Effie informs us about halfway through the first one. "They're comedies that you can sit through in your own home, hence the name. They came on television back before your grandparents and great-grandparents were born!"
Peeta carried on a short conversation with her after her fun fact intervention. Meanwhile, I watched the show and kept to myself. Around ten o'clock, I began to get a little tired.
"I think I'm going to go to bed," I announce as I rise to my feet.
Effie and Peeta look up at me, eyes wide from a particularly interesting conversation I just interrupted.
"Oh," Peeta says. "Okay. Do you need me to come with you?"
"No, I'll be fine," I reply.
Effie looks between us awkwardly. "Um, we didn't discuss sleeping arrangements, did we?"
"It's fine," I say.
Effie waves her hand. "No, no, I insist. I'll have an attendee come and clean up a room for you right away. It won't take but a few extra minutes."
"Really, Effie, I'll be fine. I can sleep with Peeta. It's okay."
Effie seems surprised that I have settled for a bedroom with him. She hesitates before saying, "But I thought the two of you were - splitting up." She pauses near the end for emphasis, and gives a melodramatic gasp at the end.
"No, it's not like that," Peeta says. "We're fine, Effie. We're happy."
"Oh! Well, I guess it's true that you can't always listen to what the elephant says about the butterfly." We look at her, confused, but she doesn't catch it.
We're uncomfortably silent for another few seconds before Peeta says, "Maybe it's time for us all to get to bed."
Effie seems enlightened by his suggestion. "Yes, you're right, Peeta! After all, we have a big, big, big day ahead of us!" Then she shuffles out of the room, her high heeled shoes click-clacking across the floor. "Goodnight, my loves!" she calls out behind her.
"Goodnight, Effie," Peeta and I call back in unison. Then we turn to each other and laugh.
"Glad to see she hasn't lost her enthusiasm," Peeta says.
"Not a single bit of it," I reply.
We let our laughter die out into silence.
"I can sleep in one of the other rooms if you want me to," Peeta offers. "I mean, I would understand."
"I don't want you to," I say.
His eyebrows furrow. "You don't?"
"I wasn't kidding when I told Effie it was okay. I want you to stay tonight."
His eyes try to coax something out of mine. Hidden emotions, deeper thoughts, my true feelings about him. But I read like an open book. He should know that I truly want him with me.
"Come on," I say. "One of the attendees showed me to my room earlier."
Ten minutes later, we have unpacked the few belongings we felt necessary to unpack during our brief stay on the train and have climbed under the sheets in the bed.
I turn onto my left side and face him, and he turns on his right. He props himself up on his elbow and watches at me wordlessly.
"What?" I say after a while. My eyes search his.
"Nothing. You're just absolutely beautiful," he says quietly. Then he reaches up with one hand to brush a stray piece of hair behind my ear.
I catch his hand with mine before he can move it away. This surprises him into looking at me with his full attention. "I love you, Peeta," I say.
He closes his eyes and for a moment, he looks almost like the boy I allowed into my bed in this very room, on this very train, fourteen years ago.
"Katniss..." He drops his hand from my grasp. "Don't do this."
"Do what?" I ask.
"Let's not pretend, okay? Just... just be honest. You promised you'd be honest."
"I am being honest. I love you."
He closes his eyes, but his lids wrinkle and I know he's in pain. "No. You can't tell him you love him and then come back to me and say the same thing."
"I didn't, though," I say. "He said he loved me. I couldn't say it back."
Peeta still doesn't seem to believe me. To me, there has only ever been one way to prove your love and devotion to someone. It's through actions, not words. Peeta knows this about me, so he is not surprised when my leg tangles itself with his under the sheets. I grab the front of his shirt and pull myself closer to him, closer to the relationship I need to have with him.
I press my lips to his, firmly at first, then increasingly gentler. He pulls away first.
"Katniss, what's wrong with you?" he asks, breathing heavily.
"Nothing," I reply and lean in to kiss him again. He pushes me away again before I can touch him.
"Have you been drinking?"
"No, why?"
"Because you don't act like this to me. Not in a long time, you haven't."
"What does that have to do with drinking?"
"Liquid courage."
"Peeta, please," I beg. "You have to trust me." My eyes lock his in place. They plead with him to listen, to let me prove my words.
Peeta sighs and I know that he is giving in. Nothing else needs to be said. So I kiss him and this time, he kisses back.
The problem is, I've done the same thing with Gale. And you need only look to see where that relationship has gone.
A/N: I know that all of you Galeniss fans are probably mad about the ending of this chapter, but it was for a reason. There are things happening that are all go into a big storyline that you all haven't uncovered yet, so please trust that I know what I'm doing! This WILL be Galeniss, but obviously Katniss isn't going to be able to let go of Peeta that fast. I find it extremely unrealistic when I read fanfics where Katniss up and drops Peeta like he's yesterday's newspaper. So that's why I'm making this different. It's an internal battle for her. (P.S. There's a pretty big Galeniss realization happening in chapter 24 and something even bigger happening in chapter 25!)
As always, please remember to review!