"This is not fair, Pyeha."
"Are you sure you want to start a discussion about what's fair and what's not, Hwanghu?" So speaks in a lower tone, compared to the one his wife has been using ever since she barged into the throne room to complain about yet another thing she was unsatisfied with, but it still carries enough intimidation and menace to make her pause and take a deep breath before continuing.
"You didn't even give Ju-yah a chance to prove himself."
Oh yeah, she was talking about her son, So remembers. Lately he managed to develop the ability to ignore everything she says in order to focus in more important and more urgent things, but since she summarized her speech and looks at him with expectant eyes, he has no choice but to acknowledge her.
"I've let you in charge of everything, and yet the boy doesn't show any progress," he reminds the woman, unmoved by her teary eyes, "If this isn't enough indication, I don't know what it is."
"He is an ill child; you can't expect him to be at the same level…"
"He is the next king," So finally lets his voice rise as he cuts Yeon Hwa crying argument, but then he resumes his usual aloof tone as he continues to read his scroll, "He has to be above average if you want him to rise to the throne. Wasn't that your wish? Why are you protesting now?"
"You don't think him as your son at all, do you?"
"If I didn't think of him as my son would I name him my heir and find good wives for him?"
"What about his sisters?"
"They're living well, aren't they?"
"You become more and more like the late king Taejo as the days pass by."
Her comparison makes him halt and shot his eyes to hers. Yeon Hwa squirms a bit under his pointed stare and she has the tact to look away and down to the floor, but So still is unsatisfied.
He is tired of her tormenting him every single day, tired of her machinations, tired of her foul plays and her grand spectacles as she tries to guilt trap him, calling him out in the public view and victimizing her son. Tired of her teary speeches, her teary eyes and her pleading voice when he knows it's all an act, all a plot to get what she always wanted.
He is tired of her making him play the part of the villain, making him act more like a tyrant and a bloody king, turning him into the man that despised his own children and wouldn't hesitate to kill them.
Meanwhile, Daemok will be the victim in all of this. She'll be a poor woman who was married to a monster and struggled to raise her son into a wise and good man, who wouldn't be as cold and vindictive as the King before him.
So isn't sure how this will help her after he is dead, but that's the plan she's been following ever since he emancipated the slaves and took away the power that the clans had over him.
The truth is that he doesn't care how the world sees him now or a thousand years in the future. The ones who really matter know who he truly is and know how perfectly crafted Yeon Hwa's mask is. The others are the others, and he owes nothing to them.
Ever since he buried his gift to his mother, So has decided not to seek approval of people that only seek to satisfy their individual needs.
A bit of silence, on the other hand, would be much appreciated. And since Yeon Hwa has already achieved at least one of her goals, he has no reason to let her stay in his throne room any longer.
"If I'm really just like father," So acknowledges her accusation and she flinches a bit, "Then you know I won't take it easily the next time someone like you barges in demanding fairness from me," he makes sure his threat isn't subtle this time, and that he's not even one bit convinced by her poor acting skills, "Go back, Hwanghu. Think well about your next move, and come at me with better machinations. How long will it take for you to replace me, I wonder?"
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"Does the pain ever leave, Baek Ah?" So can't help but wonder out loud after a long and tiresome day as they walk down empty and cold hallways.
Beside him his brother seems to be bothered by his question. He remains in silence for a few moments and So can see that he's trying to figure out the answer as well.
Baek Ah's eyes go out of focus for a while, and he knows that he's trapped in some deep and long past memory, then he blinks and looks down to the floor, musing about his feelings and his state of mind, until he can come to a final conclusion.
"Sometimes you feel like it did," he finally answers, looking back at So with a regretful look, "But then you realize that no, it hasn't. You just grew stronger to bear it better."
So had cried that morning. He had woken up from a nice and comfortable dream and couldn't hold back the tears when he opened his eyes and found her gone with the rising sun. It had been years ever since he last felt her warmth, and yet his chest ached as if it had an open wound.
In no way was he growing stronger, and he knows he never will.
"Then I guess I'll be like this forever…"
"Hae Soo wouldn't want you to remain the rest of your days alone," his brother suggests, despite his hesitation, pausing between words, speaking slowly as he offers another solution, "You could, maybe, find someone else."
So doesn't reply to that, as he knows that Baek Ah knows very well that that is not a possibility for him.
In fact, maybe there shouldn't be a possibility for recovery to him.
"Soo told me once that the loneliness is the price a person pays to sit on the throne," he explains his situation to Baek Ah as he once again has his mind clouded by things she said or did before leaving him, "The price I paid for having a daughter was to lose the one who should have been my wife. The price I'll pay for changing the nation will be to never be loved again."
There is one more moment of silence when he finishes his short speech, and despite knowing that it's because of what he just said, he can't bring himself to take his words back. And when the affected silence is followed by an awkward silence, he knows that it's because Baek Ah has found no way to refute his line of reasoning.
"Still," his brother mutters after a while, a bit awkward, "We don't want you to suffer."
"And I don't want you to become a wanderer for the rest of your days, so promise me something."
"What is it?" His sudden request seems to scare Baek Ah as he flinches in defense, getting ready to escape and run away, and So can't help but smile at his reaction.
"Nothing you haven't been doing already," he tranquilizes the younger man, who even after years traveling around the country still wants to explore some more, "The Seja has a weak health. He may not live long in a place like this if the nobles decide to take over. The alliance with the Hwangbo does not guarantee anything. Should the boy fall from his position, Jung-ah and my child would be in danger."
So doesn't have to specify that that's when he's gone and his son finally rises to the throne.
"Why are you worrying about this now?" Baek Ah asks in chastising voice, and he knows it's because he broached the topic again, "You still have plenty of time ahead of you."
He doesn't know that. No one knows that.
Losing so many people so early on his life made So realize that one never knows how much longer they really have. The future is always something uncertain, no matter how many plans you make for it. That's why, instead of planning on how to act better as a King, he needs to make sure that the ones he cares about will be safe and protected.
Maybe his request is something similar to what Hae Soo asked him before she passed away as well.
Maybe that's why Baek Ah is looking at him with such an apprehensive face.
And because his worries shouldn't his brother's worries as well, So feels to need to reassure him, put a hand on his shoulder and pat playfully, as if his own death isn't a frequent thought in his mind.
"Just so I can remind you about it every time I see you," he smiles, teasing him so he can relax and not spend the rest of the day worrying about things that aren't even a problem yet, "You don't need to get involved. Just watch over things. I'll feel better when I pass."
"You're not going anywhere anytime soon," Baek Ah points out firmly, although he is smiling as well, "But I promise you that."
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"Do you have any reports?" So asks Jung before he can he even bow to greet him, already doing a poor job to conceal his restlessness, and his brother smirks in comprehension.
"From the borders? Not even one," he replies slowly and with plenty of leisure, clearly trying to provoke So even more, "What brought me here today were actually family matters."
And because two can play this game, So continues to conversation with as much patience and calm as him, "Is your wife still anxious about you becoming in-laws with the King?"
Jung smug expression fades when he touches on a sensitive topic for him and his wife. Apparently the marriage of So's son to his daughter started a rift between them, as the woman didn't think it would be safe for Seol, and caused a few arguments here and there. But when he went ahead with it anyway, despite her dissatisfaction, a fight without precedents broke, taking a long time for the couple to stop fighting and living as if they were at war.
Jung hates to fight with his wife.
"Wrong," he replies with clenched teeth.
"You really should stop spoiling her like this," So reprimands him, and he doesn't have to say that he's talking about Seol this time, "Will you move the entire guard and servants of the palace every time she says she wants to come?"
"Well, she'll come whether I do all of this or not."
"It draws attention."
"Only if she arrives alone," he exclaims, tired of this repetitive argument every time he brings Seol drops by, "You really should stop worrying every time she visits. You look even scarier when you're in that anxious and overprotective mode."
"Any word from the Yoo leaders?"
Yes, one could argue that he was evading the topic by changing it for something completely unrelated. But the truth is that every time he thinks about Seol being out there alone, he thinks about any possible schemes the clans might be harboring and if she's going to be caught in the crossfire.
Just like her mother.
No one besides the ones directly involved knows that she's his and Soo's daughter - well, except maybe for Jimong, but one can never be sure about the astronomer - so he doesn't fear for her life directly. His only concern is that, if he falls, Jung's position would be put in danger or he would be forced to take the throne from the Hwangbo, and thus, endangering Seol as well
His worries, however, are not shared by his 14th brother.
"I told you already. Their hands are tied. Not only theirs, every other clan was restrained after what you did years ago," he speaks with a sigh, as if he's tired of repeating the same thing over and over again, which might be actually true, "There's no imminent danger. Now just relax and make sure you live well."
"What about the Hwangbo?"
"Isn't Baek Ah-hyungnim your spy? I told you, there's nothing. They're not stupid, and your son is their best shot of getting the throne."
The words make absolute sense, but ever since the plot to overcome and dethrone him had come to surface and more than half of his court was sentenced to death, he had become a bit paranoid.
"Lately I feel like I've been losing my mind."
He takes a deep breath, trying to calm down, and looks to the distant trees on the outside of the Cheondeokjeon halls. Their leaves shine brightly under the afternoon sun, and they contrast vividly with the clear blue of the sky.
He blinks once and he's caught in a dream. He blinks twice and he's back to the dire reality.
Beside him, Jung seems to understand the places his mind travels too, and instead of speaking with the argumentative and commanding tone of the general, he walks a step closer and talks with a lower and gentler voice.
"Her death anniversary is coming up, isn't it?"
"It still feels like it was yesterday." So doesn't move his eyes away from the trees, although they now cause more pain to him than the temporary relief of a memory.
"If Soo were here now," his brother says with a soft smile, "she would tell you to take things slowly. Not only for you, but Seol as well. She barely has you as it is."
So nods quietly, finally looking back at Jung before quickly dismissing him.
"Send my regards to your wife. I'll be going now."
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He finally finds her next to the gardens, but she's not admiring the flowers or enjoying a peaceful walk in the pleasant weather.
So watches from up the gazebo and tries to understand what she's up to down there, then his curiosity makes him give up on trying to figure out ask in a loud voice, "What are you doing?"
Seol looks up when he calls out, but looks more pleased than surprised by his arrival. Her face lights up and she smiles and beams, raising her arms above her head and waving her hands so he can see what she is holding.
"In order to build a perfect praying stone, I need to find the perfect material," she explains why she was down to her knees in the dirt as she carries her sack of stones and walks closer to him. Without saying a word, he reaches out, taking the heavy load as they both set on walking to the praying tower, "Now that I'm getting ready to be married, I don't know how often I'll be able to visit you, so this one has to be special."
"Don't you have enough praying towers, already?" His tone is of a scolding, but he smiles - he can't help but fondly and sincerely smile whenever he is alone with her - and she giggles back at him, not minding his teasing.
"There is one more missing."
So doesn't complain any further and settles with accompanying her to the place of her newest creation, listening attentively as she relays the news from her home and the places she visited with Jung. He's so immersed and absorbed by her voice and her words, that the walk to the praying tower seems shorter than it really is. And he's actually a bit upset that, when they arrive, she stops talking and takes the selected stones back from him.
"What are you praying for this time?"
Seol pauses before putting down the sack on the ground and then smiles as she straightens up and finally answers him, "For you and for my mother."
He feels shivers climbing up and down his entire body whenever she refers to him as her father. Even after years of her knowing all about it, knowing the story of her mother, he can't calm down the jumping heart every time she doesn't talk to him as an uncle or a king.
But still, her new mission puzzles him a bit.
"Don't you have towers for us already?"
"I have one for your health and one for her memory," Seol points them out and then uses her feet to level down the ground on the spot she'll start a new one, "This one is so that you two may find happiness together, in another life."
She speaks naturally and effortlessly. As if she's certain that their reunion is something that will definitely happen someday and it's her responsibility to pray for the Heavens so that they have more time and more happy memories in their next chance at life.
Whenever someone mentions Hae Soo his heart aches, but this time he manages to smile as well as he thinks about the possibility of seeing her once again.
How does one travel between worlds? he asks himself not for the first nor the last time.
"You're going to dirty your clothes," he points out to his daughter, pointing to her clean and light-colored hanbok.
She shrugs, just like expected, and dismisses any kind of protest with a determined, "It will be worth it."
A very brave attitude from her part, considering the fact that Jung's wife tends to fuss about her lack of manners and etiquette in public, and about how difficult it will be to find any good family willing to accept her in marriage. The sight of her adopted daughter covered in dirt and with disheveled hair would probably make her go ballistic, and then complain to him and Jung, saying that they shouldn't be spoiling or condoning her behavior like that.
So, on the other hand, likes to watch when she's wild and passionate like that. She looks innocent and delighted, unlike the usual aloof demeanor she uses when she's around strangers; and her lips are curled in an honest and truthful grin, unlike the polite and tight smile she uses when she doesn't trust those around her. She looks carefree and joyful, just like the child she once was.
It reminds him of her mother.
However, before she kneels down and starts to work on the base of her new tower, So speaks up and stops her from moving at all.
"Shouldn't you be there as well?"
"Hm?" His question catches her by surprise and she halts as she turns around to face him, her eyes bulging and blinking rapidly in confusion.
"If you want me and your mother to be reunited," he elaborates further, his smile growing larger as his words evoke an image in his mind, "Shouldn't you wish to be there as well?"
That's not a common topic for them at all. Usually they talk about the present or about the past. They either talk about their daily activities and about poetry, books, weapons, war, tea and make up recipes; he listens to her doubts and complaints about her family and the world, and she helps him ease down the frustration of trying to change old man from their destructive habits - she asks for stories about Hae Soo and her prince and he tells her the one about the bunch of brothers who didn't seem to understand how families work.
They never talk about other possibilities for them. They never talk about So and Soo actually getting married and living happily ever after, they never talk about Seol growing up with both of them instead of being raised by her uncle.
They never really talk about being a complete family.
"Do you think she would want me?" she asks with her eyes cast down, a rare expression of insecurity from the feisty and rather confident girl, "Would she be alright with me?"
So can't blame her anxious behavior. After all, no matter how many stories he, Jung and Baek Ah tell her, no matter how many times they say that her mother would be proud, it can't change the fact that, for Wang Seol, Hae Soo is a stranger, a person she never and never met - and yet, the one who gave her life and was willing to sacrifice everything just so she could save her.
"Getting to know you would make her greatly happy. Seeing the person who you are now would be your mother's greatest joy," he speaks wistfully and certain, wishing once again that Soo could be there with them, or that time had been kinder to them and let Seol have at least a few memories with her mother, "She loved you. Your happiness and well-being were her biggest worries before she passed away."
"Not yours?"
"I know how to take care of myself," he scoffs, trying to look completely aloof with a goofy expression on his face.
Seol laughs, and all of her tension and uncertainty seems to wash off her with her father's tranquilizing words.
"I would like to know her. She seems to be a formidable woman," she sighs in wonder and smiles as she tries to imagine how Soo looked like, "I'd also like to be your daughter properly, without having to hide from the public eye."
"I would like that too," So wishes as well, his voice a bit pensive and nostalgic, and Seol's smile goes from excited to bittersweet as she leans down to take a few more stones in her hands.
"Well," she says with a sigh and a soft smile, her eyes apparently lost on a thousand of possibilities before them, as she sets the first rock down, "Maybe in another life."
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After she finishes her new praying stone towers, Seol has built five in total.
Soo built six before passing away.
The spot where the two of them chose to dedicate their prayers looks a bit crowded, despite the towers not being too high and the stones not too big. But So has forbidden anyone from taking them down. He likes to go there, near the lake Dongji, where he spread her ashes, and gaze upon the wishes his lover and his daughter made.
Wishes for their dysfunctional family, that was disrupted before it even became one.
He thought about building one as well, but the more he thinks about what to ask for, the more wishes he has in his heart, the more things he worries and fusses about, the more things he wants to protect.
Is this what she felt when she found out she was ill?
After she builds her newest praying stone tower, Seol stays in silent meditation for a while beside him. After the Sun is dyed with orange, she excuses herself and runs back to her room, where she'll certainly receive another scolding for being late for dinner. After the stars appear on the horizon, he begins the arduous journey back to his empty and cold room.
The day she passed away, half of his heart died as well.
He parted from her with a smile and a kiss to her temple.
He carried her back to the Damiwon with heavy steps and a heavy heart.
He collapsed and broke down in sobs and tears when he reached his room. Clenching his fists and wrapping his arms around himself, trying to find some sort of comfort, some sort of reason to stand up again and keep on moving. He cried and wailed until his eyes were swollen and his throat was coarse.
His mind fell back into the vertiginous darkness, the lack of warmth and the lack of sound. And he made no effort to climb back, because his reality wasn't any better than that place of madness.
Despite knowing for so long, and even bracing himself for it, he wasn't ready to live in a world without Hae Soo.
He couldn't ever live without Hae Soo.
After the meltdown subdued, he found himself all alone, empty and cold inside. His room and his appearance were as disheveled as his mind, heart and soul. He had no energy, no will to rise from the floor. He only had his tears and the sound of his hoarse voice whispering, calling out her name.
After his storm passed, he was all alone.
So didn't remember sending the servants away, but they weren't there anymore - they didn't even come in to bring his dinner - and he was left alone with his grief.
Baek Ah had to come in to coax him into eating something that tasted like grass and felt like sand as he chewed and swallowed, but it took Jung's audacity and physical strength to make him dress up and leave his room. Because after the tempest died down, there was only a trail of destruction that he could only watch in dismay as he realized that the chaos would no longer be a transitory state of mind, but a permanent scar, a devastation that, no matter how much he tried to rebuild, would never be the same again.
Half of his heart died with Hae Soo, the other half had to keep beating for the sake of Seol.
So, after his tears were dry and the love of his life was an urn full of ashes, he tried to keep moving forward. He put on the mask of the wolf dog and the ruthless king, so one could read into his heart. He decided to be stronger than ever, so that Soo's fate couldn't ever repeat itself and touch their daughter. He vowed to never cry in front of his people so that they wouldn't worry about him and everyone could move on with their lives.
He would go to see and hug Seol in the mornings. He would have dinner with his brothers in the evening. He would put their daughter to sleep if the nursemaid wasn't around, and then he would sing her song - Soo's song - until they both had drowsy eyes.
Then he would go back to his room, and try not to cry too loud.
One heavy step after another.
And yet, up to this day, whenever the date of her passing is near, he follows the same path over and over again, from the lake to the Damiwon and then back to his room, where he falls into a catatonic state of grief and misery.
He stops at the gate for a while, staring directly ahead and letting his memories be flooded with a day of a heavy rain. So had stood there, in that exact same spot when he was younger, unbothered if the water would clean off the makeup and expose his scar. That day, he was only focused on standing by her side and keeping her safe from the cold wind and the strong pouring rain.
Today, he only focuses on keeping the memory of her as fresh as possible.
He focuses on the feeling of having her beside him once again, just enough to continue sane.
And when he looks to the palace engulfed in darkness, for a brief second, he's deep enough into his memory that he can even hear her voice. He can hear her calling out her name.
Wang So-nim, the voice says behinds her, and even though he knows she isn't, he turns around anyway.
He turns around, thinking - hoping - it will break the illusion he is in, and he'll be back to the dull reality of the masked snakes that surround him. Because no matter how happy listening to her voice makes him, it's always a strong tug on his heart when it stops.
But right when he turns around, the voice calls him again, softly and dainty, already disappearing in the air.
Come to me, it says, and it is so sweet and so bitter that he stops breathing for a second, I'm waiting.
No matter how hurt he was after Soo's death, he would protect and love their daughter for the both of them.
No matter how long he was condemned to keep on like this, he would never forget the promise they had made for each other.
His hand covers the concealed scar, wiping away Soo's makeup, standing bare and open before the place he once thought to be his home. So wipes his insecurities and fears off, feeling his heart strong and certain after years of longing and anguish.
No matter how long it took, he would see her again.
I will find you.
My Soo.
A\N: One down, one more to go... So, how was it? Anything like you expected?
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cyberacksmusic: Sorry for the sad parts, but I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter as a whole - believe me, it was hard to write Soo's demise as well; despite knowing what happens next. Thanks for your review! :)