A/N: Thank you so much for your continued support. :)
Sheldon brushed his teeth in a haze, completing his nightly routine by way of unconscious habit.
"I'm sorry for hurting you…"
The phrase kept repeating in his mind, leaving his emotions in such a state that he couldn't even begin to figure them out. In fact, he mused, he might be having a panic attack. His pulse was elevated and his breathing was erratic. He considered going to the nearest urgent care, if such a thing existed here, but he already knew what they would say. He had a basic familiarity with everything, after all. They would merely point out to him that a panic attack is usually precipitated by an emotional trigger. He might as well save his time and money.
He walked quickly to his bedroom, feeling his heartbeat pulsing in his eardrums, and crawled underneath the covers, still in his suit, minus the tie, jacket, and shoes. He curled into the fetal position and pulled the covers over his head, wishing he could cover the calamity in his mind as easily as he could the light in his eyes.
"I'm sorry for hurting you…"
For once in his life, Sheldon's mind was blank. And yet it was also swirling. In fact, he was reminded of all the times he had been in an oppressively crowded room, unable to hear what anyone was saying and yet unable to block out the oppressive noise of hundreds of people all talking at once. He couldn't think except to hear Amy's voice saying that same phrase over and over.
Sheldon put the palms of his hands up to his ears and pressed hard at his head, wishing he could block out the phrase. He feebly tried to tell himself, as he had many times before, that she hadn't hurt him, but found himself lacking the mental strength to do so.
As the realization that Amy had indeed hurt him struck, Sheldon suddenly found it difficult to breath. He gasped for air, throwing off the covers, frantically trying to unbutton his shirt. He was definitely having a panic attack.
Somehow this admission helped him focus. What had he read about panic attacks? Think! Despite the overwhelming urge not to, Sheldon closed his mouth and started trying to breathe in through his nose. The breaths were erratic, and he seriously considered giving up and giving in to the attack. Using what little strength he had left, he managed force himself to start taking longer slower breaths. He felt light headed, threw his legs over the edge of the bed, and put his head between his knees. Perhaps he should rethink his decision not to go to Urgent Care.
But who would take him? Leonard was not here and he couldn't take himself. He supposed he could take an ambulance, but he wasn't sure he trusted those tiny foreign ambulances. They looked too much like a death trap waiting to happen. One accident and the entire thing would likely be crushed like a large aluminum can.
Sheldon realized that his light-headedness was gone and sat up. He sat for a moment, hands on his knees, before getting up and properly changing into his pajamas.
Amy had hurt him. Sheldon stopped, one hand in his pajama top, and closed his eyes, feeling his light-headedness begin to return. After a moment he put the other arm in his pajama top and finished getting dressed. He returned to his bed, turning off the lights this time, but still lying on his side, knees curled up to his chest.
He swallowed, his heart still beating fast.
Amy had hurt him.
He squeezed his eyes shut as the memory of that horrific day took front and center in his mind. He opened his eyes in an attempt to block out the memory, but in the darkness, it did little to quell the image. He held his breath, in an attempt to prevent a further panic attack, as the memory of her walking out the door began playing on a loop in his mind.
Suddenly he felt a tightening in his chest and a stinging in his eyes, and before he knew what was happening he gasped and felt a tear roll down his cheek. He gasped again, and before he knew what was happening, he was sobbing.
She had hurt him. She had left him. She had refused to return his emails, texts, tweets, and had unfriended him on Facebook. She had signed an agreement with him to be his girlfriend. She had signed it! He had told her to get a lawyer! If she hadn't wanted to agree to it, then why had she? She knew what she was getting into! He had left nothing hidden. And yet, when he had rationally told her his feelings on the matter of moving forward, she had dropped him. Immediately. And had never looked back. She had even dated another man.
Sheldon continued sobbing, unable to stop as months upon months of pent up anger, hurt, and betrayal washed over him. Every thought he had squashed, every emotion he had pushed down came bubbling up to the surface, leaving a trail of hot tears on his face.
He didn't know how much time had passed, but eventually his sobbing subsided, and he was left breathing heavily and occasionally hiccupping. He felt spent. Never in his life had he felt so exhausted, and yet he still wasn't falling asleep. Instead, he was warily considering himself. What was he going to do? Was this the first of many mental breaks? He had often heard, though never quite believed, that crying was supposed to be cathartic, and yet the only things he felt were blocked sinuses, burning eyes, and a strange hollowness in his chest.
How was he going to face Amy in the morning? The thought suddenly popped into his mind. Things had, yet again, changed between them. Amy had admitted fault to this entire debacle that had been their lives these past eight months. But what did her admission mean, if anything? Perhaps it meant nothing. Perhaps she was merely trying to clear her own conscience. After all, she had apologized after attending a church service. Sheldon had witnessed many such instances over the course of his childhood and early adolescence. Bullies would approach him after a particularly "damning" sermon, and apologize, only to return to stuffing his head in the toilet the following day at school.
But when has Amy every treated you like a bully?
The thought entered his mind and he couldn't shake it. It was true…at least he thought it was. Up until the point when she left him, Amy had never done a single thing to hurt him. She had been his great friend and his girlfriend, and he had never had reason to doubt that she would remain so for the undefined future. But then she had dropped him; dumped him; given up their very friendship. She had become worse than a bully. She had taken his trust and thrown it in his face. He had thought he could trust her to understand his feelings, but instead she had left him at the drop of a hat. No bully had ever hurt him as much, because he had never trusted his bullies. He had known where he stood with them and where they had stood with him, with mutual disdain on both sides.
But now he did not know where he stood with Amy. These past four weeks they had been maintaining a cool distance from each other. Sheldon had made a point of only doing the bare minimum to ensure that Amy was comfortable. But then she had insisted they sightsee every Saturday, and he had found himself enjoying her company again.
He thought of his dreams; dreams in which he would casually lean over and kiss her. He thought of all the times in the past month when he had had to resist the urge to touch Amy.
Perhaps this had been how she had felt, all those months ago.
Sheldon's mouth popped open at that thought. Was that what their relationship had been like for Amy? Always the urge for physical contact from the opposite party, with the knowledge that it would likely never happen? What a horrible way to live life. Sheldon felt a strange sense of empathy for Amy, in that moment.
Now what?
Sheldon asked himself this question again, still unable to determine the answer. Where was he? He had never been able to decipher complex emotions, and now was no exception.
What were the conclusions he had made thus far? Amy had hurt him; she had taken his trust and thrown it in his face; and he had desired on occasion to touch her.
One of these three pieces of information seemed to be conflicting with the other two. He was hurt and could not trust her, and yet wanted to touch her?
Before Sheldon could continue his line of thinking he heard a loud thump from the direction of Amy's room.
Amy lay on her back on the floor, her feet still on her bed. She had awoken with the urge to pee and hadn't known how to indicate this to Sheldon. Shockingly, this was the very first time she had awoken in the middle of the night with the urge. And so, she had foolishly decided to attempt to get out of bed herself. She had positioned the wheelchair in such a way that she would be able to back into it, thus negating the need to drag her leg to the side and over the bed first. Sadly, as she was about sit her bottom in the chair, it had rolled backwards, leaving her on the floor, vaguely wondering if she had bruised her spinal cord.
She heard footsteps and then her door open. She looked at Sheldon upside down. His hair was in disarray, he had the shadow of stubble on his face, and his eyes were wide.
"Amy! What are you doing on the floor?"
Amy tried to move her head so that he wasn't upside down. "I have to urinate, and was trying to do so on my own. Unfortunately my crutches are in the living room, and I was unable to reach the locks on the wheelchair."
Sheldon frowned angrily at her. "So you decided to jeopardize your recovery by foolishly attempting to get into an unlocked wheelchair?"
Amy didn't immediately respond, so shocked was she by his anger. "I…didn't want to wake you."
Sheldon pressed his lips together and then walked over and knelt down. "Don't move for a moment. We need to make sure you haven't injured your spine."
Amy frowned as she got a good look at his face. His eyes were red and puffy and his skin was blotchy. It almost looked as if he had been crying.
"I don't have a pen on hand at the moment, so I will have to use my fingernails. Please tell me if you can feel them."
"Sheldon, I hardly think one fall would leave me paralyzed. I can feel my feet."
He didn't answer, instead poking her toe with his nail. She giggled, as the sensation tickled, and Sheldon's frown deepened.
"This is hardly a laughing matter."
"I apologize. It tickled."
Sheldon didn't respond, and Amy again wondered at his anger.
When he seemed satisfied that she hadn't permanently injured her spine, Sheldon grabbed hold of her two legs and gently pulled them off the bed. Amy pushed herself into a seated position and Sheldon put his hands underneath her armpits and pulled her upright, setting her on her bed again. He went to retrieve the wheelchair and then held it in place so that Amy could get in it. Without giving her the chance to do so herself, Sheldon quickly wheeled Amy towards the bathroom.
When she completed her business, she opened the door to find him still there, with his arms crossed. He immediately grabbed hold of the wheelchair and again wheeled her quickly to her room. She could feel the anger and tension radiating off of him, and she wondered what had brought it on.
After she returned herself to bed, and Sheldon helped place her legs back in position, he walked quickly towards her door.
"Sheldon, wait."
He paused a moment before turning back around. "Yes?"
Amy considered him for a moment. "Are you alright?"
"Why do you ask?" he deadpanned.
Amy swallowed. "You…seem upset."
Amy waited while he merely stared at her for so long she thought perhaps he had no intention of speaking. She was beginning to wonder if maybe she should have just let him leave when suddenly he spoke.
"Why did you say you were sorry?"
Amy was startled by the undertone of accusation in the question. "Because I am."
"But why did you say it?"
Amy blinked, unsure how to respond. "I don't understand what you mean. Why does anyone say they are sorry? Because they are."
Sheldon stared for a moment, eyes narrowing, anger now positively radiating off of him.
"Why are you sorry?" He finally asked.
"I…" Amy was at a loss of words, having never seen this side of Sheldon. "I didn't break up with you because I wanted to hurt you."
"Then why did you?"
"You know the answer to that."
Sheldon suddenly deflated, shocking Amy even further. She expected another bitter retort, but instead his next words sounded sad. "Yes…I do."
He turned around to leave but Amy stopped him. "Wait." He turned back around. She looked at him curiously. "Why do you think I broke up with you?"
Sheldon stared at her for a long while before speaking. "Because…I meant less to you than the physical desires you were seeking."
Amy's mouth fell open in shock and she was unable to regain her voice quick enough to stop him from going out the door.
A/N: Thanks so much for reading. This chapter is dedicated to ChaliceInnana, who asked for tears (not that I didn't actually already have this one planned out. ;)). Also, a warning that we're pretty close to the end of this fic.