She turns her head to me, her face doesn't look shocked, she doesn't even try to reject, she just sits there with her calm expression and her eyes getting waters.
"Look Karma, I-"
"Just tell me I'm wrong. Tell me I got this all wrong and you have nothing to do with this." I slowly back away, my eyes still fixed on her.
She turns to me and shakes her head. "I-"
"Tell me!" I shout at her. I can't believe it, I can't be right with this. It wasn't her, it wasn't supposed to be like that!
She licks her lips and gets up. "I can't tell you this, it would be a lie. But I didn't write all of them, Liam and I-"
"Liam?! What the fuck Amy?! You and fucking Liam wrote the letter?!" I run my hand through my hair, this is too much for me right now. I turn around. How could I be so stupid, so fucking oblivious? It was right in front of me the whole time and I ignored it, because I thought she liked me. But it makes sense, doesn't it? I makes sense that she wrote the letters and now Liam blackmails her because she didn't tell me, that's what got her so upset, right? Or is there even more she didn't tell me?
"Karma, look at me. Please, talk to me." Amy walked towards me and grabs my hand.
I look down at our conjoined hands for a moment and shake my head. "Just tell me why. Why didn't you tell me? Why did you supposedly tried to help me find the person behind the letters when it was you? Why didn't you stop writing after we started talking?" I withdraw my hand from hers, "And why the freaking hell did you write this fucking letter in the first place?!"
She looks around and just shrugs, she seriously shrugs at me right now. "I don't know, okay? It felt right in the moment, I guess. I can't say why I did it, I really can't."
I roll my eyes and turn away from her again. I can't be here right now, I really can't. There's hear rushing through my body, adrenaline and I don't want to hurt her. I have to get out of here. This is too much right now, the person who means the world to me fucking lied to me for months. How could she do that?
"Karma, please don't leave me."
I run. I don't run, I float. I run so fast it feels like I'm floating away from everything. From her, from the school, from everything. The bell must've just rung, because the hallway is crowded with students and it's hard to push through the masses. I don't hear anything, in my head is complete silence with the constant sentence "It was her." playing on repeat. I just want to get outside.
"When I finally stand in the parking lot everything around me stops in time. Nothing moves anymore and everything that was fast and floating past me, stopped right with me. I take a few deep breaths and finally wipe away the tears that streamed down my face. I don't know when I started to cry, I just know I can't stop. I realize I'm still wearing her sweater. I quickly get rid off it and throw it away, far away. Unfortunately a sweater doesn't get very far when thrown, but at least it's not on my body anymore. I close my eyes and run both of my hands through my hair. For some reason this is stress releasing.
When I open my eyes again I see that someone picks up the sweater. I turn to the person and I'm presented with Amy once again. She followed me here.
"Look Karma, I get it. You're upset and-"
"Upset?! You think this is me upset?!"
"Fine, you're furious, you're disappointed and you feel betrayed." Now her words start to describe the feelings that boil up inside me. "But trust me, everything I said to you, in person and in the letters is true."
I look at her and shake my head. "Give me one good reason to believe you. Give me just one fucking reason why you wrote this piece of shit!" My voice rises with each word I say. I throw the last letter at her, the one with the book quote.
She stands there with no reaction whatsoever, she just looks at me.
"Oh fuck this," I throw my hands in the air in a dramatic gesture and walk away. I'm gonna walk home, I can't take the bus. I need air and I need time to think. Thank god the teachers think I'm sick and it won't go on my reckord.
"Does this mean were over?" She chokes out the sentence and when I stop and turn around I can see her cry. She actually cries, I've never seen her cry before. And I never thought I would. I know I mean a lot to her, but this right here, right now, this is too much. I need time.
"Yes … No … I don't know, okay?" I try to sound as calm as possible, even though seeing her in tears brings them back to my eyes, too. "I need some time. But most importantly, I need an explanation, give me one and if it's good, then I'll give you another proper chance." I pause. "I promised you I won't leave you. And I don't break promises." I turn away from her again.
She says nothing else and I can't believe I left her standing there, I left Amy Raudenfeld standing in the parking lot. If I didn't have to wipe my face every few seconds I would be proud of myself.
10 minutes into my walk my phone starts buzzing and it doesn't stop. I pull it out and put it on silent. As if I'd answer any calls right now. I didn't look at who was calling, but I bet it was Lauren.
I walk and walk and walk, and for some reason I didn't think this whole time. I don't know if I want to, all of this doesn't seem real to me. How could she do something like that to me? Sure, the letters were sweet and everything. Only this one letter wasn't, the one with the suggested meet up, I bet Liam wrote it, but it doesn't explain the handwriting, is he so good at faking people's handwriting? And can someone please explain the piece of paper at Brandi's party? Why was there this piece with my name on it. Oh wait, it explains her weird reaction to it though. So she wrote my name in calligraphy and normal on a piece of paper, but why? To impress some girl? I bet it was to impress some girl, way to go Raudenfeld. But then why my name? I sigh, this is so stupid, all of this is so stupid. So from the beginning, I need to get this story straight. Amy liked me, she always told Chelsea about me, so she suggested to Liam that they should prank me with a letter that she meant, or at least she said she meant it. Liam agreed, for a reason that I don't know. So they sent me a letter, and I went bonkers, but then why sending another one? I don't get it. After the second letter she ceased her opportunity to talk to me, she offered me help so we could spend time together and now slowly she made me fall for her.
Maybe this was her whole plan! Of course, this was the plan! This was the fucking plan from the start, to make me fall for her! So she could break my heart?! Oh fuck all of this, this is bullshit.
It took me an hour to walk home, but I could get some desperately needed air. I enter the house, walk up the stairs and lock myself in my room, ignoring any talking from my mother. I lie down on my bed and look up to the ceiling. For some reason the sun just annoys me, so I get up, shut my blends and lie down again, curling up so I'm a ball of hurt, because that's all I feel right now. I should put on some music, so I don't hear my mother's concerned voice outside my room, but I don't want to move anymore.
After I don't know how long, I hear a knock on the door, it's soft, and I know it's not my mother. I swear to god if this is Amy I'm gonna break her neck, I told her I need time. Then there is silence for a while until I hear something in my lock. I mentally slap myself, of course, my parents have a spare key, how could I forget that?
"Karma?" It's Shane's voice, and since I'm facing the wall, I don't know if Lauren's with him or not. "Hey you, I brought your bag, you left it at school." As if I care about my bag. Can he go now, please? "Look, do you want to tell me what happened?"
I turn to him, Lauren is with him and the both of them stand in the middle of my room looking like puppies with concerned faces and pity. I hate pity. "Well as if you don't already know what happened." I turn around again.
"We don't. But we also came here, because Lauren found something interesting." I turn to them again and raise an eyebrow. Shane pushes Lauren towards my bed.
"Well, not that I was doing anything special in Amy's room, but I found something. I found a notebook."
She hands me the notebook and when I open it I see her first tries in calligraphy, I see better calligraphy and poems and passages in the author's handwriting. I see my name scribbled on pages and the most interesting thing: that pages were torn out. I flip through the whole notebook, it's almost completely filled with all kinds of stuff, I didn't even know she had something like that.
"For some reason I thought it was a journal or something so I got curious." I look up at her, my expression emotionless. "And well I thought the handwriting was familiar, and then I remembered how the letter looked like. I think it's the same handwriting."
I hand the book back to Lauren. "It is," I simply state and lie back down on my bed.
Shane and Lauren look at each other and then at me. "Why doesn't this surprise you?" Shane asks, sitting down on my bed.
"Well it surprises me that she has a notebook filled with lyrical stuff. It doesn't surprise me that she is the author." I tell them, waving one hand in the air as an explanatory gesture.
Lauren also sits down on my bed and I can tell that they're absolutely confused, so I continue "Wow, you guys really don't know what happened." I clear my throat. "I figured out that I'm an idiot and my girlfriend who tried to help me find the author, basically helped herself hiding the fact that she wrote them."
And as in any good movie, both of them gasp simultaneously. I just shake my head, they're unbelievable. "Why didn't you tell us?" Lauren asks, frowning.
I roll my eyes and sigh. "Well maybe I was focusing on the betrayal of my girlfriend and wanted to vanish in my room forever, or at least until everybody graduates." I turn around and curl up again, why can't they just go away? I just want to be alone.
Shane whispers something to Lauren and they both get up from my bed. "Okay, I have an idea," he states. He pauses for a moment, waiting for my reaction but there won't be one. "So, we're gonna distract you for a while, because you have to get over her as quickly as possible."
Get over her? Why would I want to get over her? First of all I need an explanation and then I can know if we can be together or not. "You're aware of the fact that I'm still in a relationship with her, right?" I mumble.
I don't hear anything for the next few seconds until Lauren speaks up. "Say what now?"
I sigh again, okay now I'm seriously not joking anymore, I just want to be left alone. "She's still my girlfriend, she still means hella lot to me and until she explains herself I won't change anything about this situation."
"So you're gonna pretend like nothing happened and be lovey-dovey in school?" Shane asks.
"No, of course not. I need some time to think about all of that and I told her that. I know her, she will respect that. And when she has an explanation I will listen to what she has to say. But I promised her I won't leave her. I can't leave her, she's my world."
"Oh, okay, seems reasonable." There is doubt in Shane's voice, but we all know that a discussion would be pointless with me. I have my reasons I act the way I act, even though this is a new reaction to a situation.
"Can you guys please leave now? I need some time for myself. So if you don't mind."
They're silent for another moment, I feel the urge to turn around and make them clear that I'm serious, but then I hear Lauren sigh. "Fine, you're off the hook right now, but if you're not in school tomorrow I'll come and get you."
"I already ruined my perfect attendance, I have nothing to loose. But I will be there tomorrow." And just hope that she won't … But she probably will be.
"Bye Karma, see you tomorrow, I hope you'll feel better then," Shane says and brushes his hand over my arm. Lauren says her goodbye and then they're finally gone.
I still don't know what to do, I mean I don't know if she meant any of what she said to me, does she have feelings for me? Did she do all of that to prove me how manipulative I am? How stupid I am? That I'm just like the bimbos? Just why? Why can't nobody tell me why she did it? Not even she could tell me a good reason why. This is all bullshit, this is all so fucking stupid and I know it, she knows it, Lauren and Shane know it. I should leave her. I should break my promise and leave her, how am I supposed to trust her after she lied to my face for weeks? I mean yes, the hints were there if I think about it, but as if I thought it could be her?! I should leave her.
With these thoughts I turn on my back and stare at the ceiling. Something in the corner of my eye catches my attention. When I look at it, I see that Lauren left Amy's notebook with me. I only skimmed it when I first got it, but now I'm curious. I want to know what she wrote about, if she wrote about me, and if I can tell through this book if any of it meant something. I grab the book and start reading.
A/N: I'm sorry I kept you waiting so long for what I would call a filler chapter, but I've been going through some stuff and wasn't really able to write, but hopefully I'll be able to write more in the next time^^ Thanks for reading and for all the feedback btw!