"Fucking moron." Piper repeated.
Leo pushed back the drunken feelings and Phoebe sobbed.. "I am not!" She wiped her nose with the back of her sleeve and continued. "I-I'm just all," she snatched the bottle back from Leo and lifted it up. "tapped out!"
"Moron." Paige agreed.
Phoebe didn't reply. She held up a new bottle of scotch...how did that get there?...oh and she was resting her ankles on her shoulders.
Paige gaped, "How are you doing that? That's physically impossible!"
Leo gulped and rubbed his head awkwardly. "Ph-Phoebe can-can uh please remove your legs from that position?"
"Are you turned on by this?" Piper demanded.
Leo didn't answer and only continued to stare at Phoebe.
Piper kicked him and glared. "That's my sister, you perv!"
"Barely." He dismissed.
Chris picked up the remote and clicked the next episode. He tried to shake off what was happening but honestly you just can't recover from things like that.
On the TV Leo hovered over Phoebe healing her while Paige made sure Wyatt didn't see his aunt hurt while waiting impatiently.
"What's wrong? What's taking so long?" TV Paige asked.
"I don't know."
"Damn it, Leo, you should have just healed her outside."
"Right, and risk you getting shot, too? I don't think so."
TV Chris came down the stairs. "Okay, so I just sent our evil twins through the portal, although…" He saw TV Leo healing TV Phoebe. "What happened?"
TV Phoebe woke up and gasped.
"Thank God!" TV Paige exclaimed and then went over to Phoebe.
"Why is the world acting like it's jacked up on anti-depressants?" Paige asked.
Phoebe swung her head around to Leo, the scotch in her cup – when did she switch that out? – sloshing."Why's t-" She was cut off by a hiccup. She giggled and continued. "that Leo?"
"How would I know?" He asked with a shrug.
"Because you're an Elder." Chris answered. "Elders know everything."
Leo gasped. "That's racist, man."
"How is that r-"
"Didn't I teach you better?" Piper questioned while bouncing Wyatt on her knee. "You just don't say things like that, sweetie."
Paige nodded. "Not right, Chris."
Phoebe and Wyatt laughed. "You got in trouble!" They both said, except one sentence was incoherent and it wasn't Wyatt's.
Chris stared at them in disbelief. His family was messed up.
"Because by getting us all to the evil world, Gideon screwed up the balance, messed up with the grand design." Smart TV Leo explained.
"Well, if you ask me, the grand design is pretty messed up in the first place." TV Paige commented.
"Wait, so are you saying because of what he did, our world is bad now, too?" TV Phoebe asked.
"No, on the contrary. It's good. Too good. Where every little infraction is a capital offense and everyone just accepts it."
"Oh, so we're starring in a little movie called "Pleasantville"?" TV Paige asked.
"Okay, how come we weren't affected?" TV Chris asked.
"How stupid am I? It's obvious why we weren't affected," Chris complained.
Piper raised an eyebrow at him.
"Because we're AWESOME!"
They all stared at him.
"Okay, what? So maybe I have some empathy too. Whoopdie, friggin doo!" Chris admitted, whining cynically.
"Because we must have been crossing over when the shift occurred."
"Well, that must mean Gideon's not affected, either."
"No! Because Gideon is a pedophile. Not awesome," Chris interjected.
"No, he wouldn't be because he's an Elder."
"How do we know he's not using the situation to his advantage, you know, come after Wyatt again?" TV Chris questioned.
"Because I'm going to find him first." TV Leo answered sinisterly.
"No, you can't hurt him, Leo," TV Phoebe cautioned. "not until he shifts the balance back, and you know he knows how to do that."
Piper flicked her husband's nose as if he was a dog. "Are you an idiot?" She demanded. "You can't just go off and kill an Elder without bringing me along!"
"You won't find Gideon that way." An Elder informed after he orbed down on the bridge. "We've already tried."
"What are you doing here?" Leo asked.
"I am here to remind you of your responsibilities."
"My responsibilities right now are to protect my son."
"How, by taking revenge on one of our own?"
"Gideon stopped being one of us when he went after Wyatt." Leo growled.
"Oh, that's not for you to decide. You're but one voice in a chorus, Leo. We can't allow you to take matters into your own hands."
"Gideon did." Leo reminded.
"Yes, and look what he's wrought. The world is spiraling out of control. Innocents are being hurt, killed, all because one Elder acted alone."
"I know what I'm doing."
"Oh, Gideon thought he knew what he was doing, too. Truth be known, he was not alone in his thinking. There are others who share his fears of Wyatt, that your union with a Charmed One might've created too great a concentration of power."
"Wait, so you're on his side?"
"No, of course not. What Gideon's done is inexcusable."
"Then let me handle him."
"Wow, Leo, never seen you so persistent." Paige commented.
"'Cept this one time." Phoebe hiccuped. "I was tired and didn't want to do anything that night, but he somehow managed to get me in that bed."
"What?" Everyone shouted in disbelief all at the same time.
"Woops, wrong night." She giggled drunkenly.
"Night?" Piper seethed.
"Wrong guy, happy?"
She nodded.
"Ah, welcome to San Francisco Memorial. How can I help, help, help you?" A nurse greeted cheerily.
"Now her? She's awesome! She said help like, three times!" Chris said, continuing with his awesome-kick. Only now he was slurring.
"Chris, can you turn off the empathy?" Piper asked worriedly.
"Maybe!" Chris chirped in a sing-song voice.
"Well, shut it!"
"Jeez, jeez, okay! Not awesome!" Chris said, only by this point he was a little more sober.
"Well, you could take it down a notch." Phoebe suggested.
Phoebe smiled. "Ohh, she's kidding." She giggled. "She's a kidder. Uh, just out of curiosity, what happened here? Was it a freeway accident?"
"Oh, heavens, no! It's always like this around here." She whispered, as if anyone heard, bad consequences. "Lawbreakers, you know."
"Right." Phoebe said.
"You visiting?"
"Uh, yes. Piper Halliwell?"
She typed on the computer.
"Halliwell, Halliwell…uh, what was her offense?"
"Oh, no, no offense. She's having a baby."
"Ohh, a baby! Ohh, why didn't you say so?" The nurse asked.
"Cause we were just too excited." Paige said.
"Oh, of course you are! There's nothing more exciting than a baby! Uh, room 1402, but don't dawdle. Visiting hours are almost over. You have a wonderful day, now, okay?"
"Day?" Paige asked. She looked at her older sister's watch. "It's almost eight o'clock. It should be dark now."
"Dark? Why on earth would anyone say such a depressing thing? Imagine the sun going away, not having sunshine all the time! Anyone who'd want that should be, well-well, shot!" The nurse explained, appalled.
"Shot?" Piper asked. "That's a little outrageous, don't'cha think?"
Phoebe swung the bottle away from her lips – was she really drinking again? "No! Night is so sad! Not a thing like day, and whoever disagrees with me, should be shot!"
"I happen to love night." Chris replied. Okay, maybe he wasn't as sober as Piper originally thought.
She gasped and pulled a gun from behind her...where does she keep getting all of this stuff? She pointed the gun towards his face. "Wanna repeat that?"
He rolled his eyes and orbed the gun into his hands and pulled the trigger at her, water shot out in a thin line and hit her straight in the face.
Phoebe comically wiped her face off and scowled.
"Are you kidding? The frozen peas and processed turkey? It was to die for." Piper said sincerely. The Orderly went to remove the tray. "Oh, here, let me give you a hand." She noticed his right hand was missing and they laughed.
"Piper, that's not funny." Phoebe scolded.
"Oh, that's okay. It's my fault it even happened." The orderly said.
"Why is it your fault?" Paige asked.
"Oh, I used my cell phone in the hospital. Talk about your big no-nos." The orderly explained as if it were no big deal. "Hey, good luck with the little one."
"Thanks." Piper said before the guy left. "He really should've known better."
"Piper, snap out of it! This is crazy-making!"
"What is?"
"This, everything! You, the hand, the whole damn world! It's driving me insane!" Phoebe yelled.
"Phoebe, you really should not swear. They will cut your tongue out." Piper informed.
"Ohh! This is ridiculous." Phoebe said.
"Okay, Piper, you have to listen to me. Wyatt is in danger." Paige told her.
"What do you mean? What kind of danger?" Piper asked.
"It's Gideon. He's trying to kill him." Piper laughed at what Paige said.
"So much for tearing Gideon a new one." Chris pouted.
"I will do more than just 'tear him a new one'." Piper growled.
Leo interrupted her. "When I'm done with him, he won't even be able to walk anymore."
Chris and Paige stared at him before sharing a look and cracking up laughing.
"You're so gay!" Chris sputtered out.
Paige nodded in agreement, red in the face from all of her ridiculous laughing.
Phoebe shared a small smile. "Ha, I get it, that's pretty funny." Her lips twitched before she also started to giggle.
Piper tried to hide her mirth, unsuccessfully.
Leo's forehead scrunched in confusion. "I-I don't get it, what'd I say?"
They didn't answer.
"Guys!" He whined. "What's so funny? All I said was, when I was done with him, he'd be too sore to even walk anymore."
Paige fell off the couch clutching her stomach.
"Dude, just shut up." Chris said in between laughs. "You're making a fool out of yourself."
"You were right. Piper's the only one of the sisters affected." Barbas said.
"And therefore the only one that can affect her sisters. She can cast a spell on them, make them think as she does so that they won't be concerned about me either." Gideon mused.
"And your theory…is that I'm going to make her do this. How, exactly?"
"By doing what you do best, tapping into her fear of losing her sisters."
"I don't know. She's out in cloud cuckoo-land someplace. She's in a place where she doesn't even fear her own affliction. What makes you think she's going to fear losing a sister?"
"Family means everything to Piper, in any world. The sooner you hit that nerve, the sooner we both get what we want."
"Every demon always goes for the family." Paige said, annoyed. "You'd think they'd be creative once in a while."
"They're demons, what do ya expect?" Piper asked.
Leo stomped his foot like a five year old. "Gideon's not a demon!"
"How would you know?" Phoebe inquired.
His eyes drifted upward in memory.
"Oh God, gross, dad!" Chris shouted. "Did you really need to visualize it?"
"What do you mean?" Piper demanded lowly.
"It's not my fault." Leo protested. "I was in the wrong place at the wrong time!"
He didn't elaborate leaving everyone confused outta their wits.
"Does it hurt when I touch here?" The doctor asked Piper on the TV.
"Yeow! Boy, that smarts."
"Huh. Well, we might be looking at a c-section here, Piper." He smiled, "Might be the only way to get the baby out safely."
"Safely?" Piper asked, worried.
The doctor waved his hand in dismissal and didn't answer, "Oh, let's get another ultrasound, shall we? I'll be right back."
Piper took a deep breath and put both of her hands on her stomach. Barbas flashed in beside her, translucent, with a ghostly white line outlining him.
"Ooh, it would be so sad if your sisters weren't here to help you through all this. You heard what they said about Gideon. Imagine saying such ugly lies about such a nice person." He cooed like he always did when he was manipulating someone.
He took a step back as Phoebe and Paige entered.
"Gideon is trying to kill Wyatt. We have to stop him." Phoebe declared.
"No, no, no, no, no." Piper shook her head, "Stop it. He's an Elder."
"No, Piper, he's evil." Paige said firmly.
"No, he's not. Now, shush," she ordered, "before someone hears you." Suddenly three Elders orbed in. "No, no, no. Don't hurt them. They didn't mean it."
They didn't react towards her and shot fire at Phoebe and Paige. They didn't even have a chance to scream as the fire consumed them. Piper gasped and the Elders disappeared.
Piper stared across the room blankly, in shock, as Barbas whispered in her hear, an evil cliché echo to his voice,"You have to help them conform. Save them from themselves before it's too late and you lose them…forever."
He smiled as she picked up her journal and started to write a spell, just has he knew she would. He got up from his leaning position and vanished.
"Call now the powers blessed be, to make my sisters happ," She paused for a moment only to continue in a cheerful vice, "happy."
"Who knew you packing all that heat, Leo?" Paige smirked.
Piper smiled, a lusty glint in her eye. She pushed a strand of hair behind her ear and cocked her head. "Yeah, who knew, Leo?"
"I thought I told you," Leo said, completely oblivious.
Piper sighed, exasperated, and brought her hand to his thigh. She slid her tongue across her top lip and scooched closer to her possibly homosexual husband.
His eyes lit up and he gasped. "Ohh!" All traces of bisexuality or homosexuality disappeared. He smirked, "Well, there's a lot you don't know about me, Piper."
She smiled and moved even closer to him, any closer and she'd be sitting on his lap. "I bet there is."
Chris shuddered and clenched his eyes, willing their thoughts to get out of his head and never touch his brain again. "Gross! Stop it!" He was completely sober again, very suddenly.
Wyatt, only about 2 at the time, nodded in agreement. "Please," but it ended up sounding like, "Pwsghe,"
Phoebe sat there horrified as she felt their sexual desires forcing their way into her body. "Take it outside," she begged, "It's taking all my will power not to throw you both on the floor and screw your brains out."
Paige looked at her, disgusted. "THAT'S YOU'RE SISTER AND BROTHER-IN-LAW!"
"I KNOW!" Phoebe shrieked. "I CAN'T HELP IT!"
"THAT'S MESSED UP!" Chris shouted and Wyatt agreed with a garble of words.
"I KNOW!" Phoebe yelled.
Piper twirled her finger through Leo's hair and smiled.
"AHH!" Phoebe screamed as Chris and Paige had to hold her back to make sure she didn't do anything disgusting or incestrual.
Wyatt chucked his rattle at Piper which knocked her in the head and then impossibly flew over to smack Leo in his head, too.
That didn't stop them though as they started to tug each other's clothes off.
"AHHH!" They all screamed and Paige waved her hand sending the two somewhere in the Sahara Desert.
"That was traumatizing," Chris commented with a shudder.
"Horrifying." Phoebe added.
"Teryshing." Wyatt said, trying to say terrifying. Not having any teeth really sucked.
"Thank God it's over." Paige said.
On the TV everyone minus Piper are in the attic when Phoebe and Paige glowed. Phoebe let out some type of snort and Paige smiled
"What just happened?" Chris asked.
"I don't know." Leo said. "Are you guys all right?""
"Yeah." Paige answered in a dreamy voice. "Yeah. I've never felt better."
Phoebe nodded and Paige rested her head on Phoebe's shoulder.
Chris shrugged. "Okay, so back to the plan. You were saying?"
Phoebe smiled, "Yeah, the plan was just to go see Piper in the hospital."
Paige leaned over to Phoebe and whispered loudly, "That's a really good plan."
Phoebe giggled, "I know." Paige giggled with her.
"Why are we acting like a bunch of second graders who are drunk off their asses?" Paige asked and turned to where Leo was sitting. She then remembered they were somewhere in the desert going at like a couple of rabbits. So she turned to the second best know-it-all, Chris, "Hmm?"
"Piper's spell." Chris answered matter o' factly.
Phoebe tilted her head in confusion looking just like a dog. "But, if I remember correctly, she never said anything about us acting like fools. She said 'Call now, the powers blessed be, to make my sisters happy'."
"No, Phoebe, shut up!" Chris shouted, but it was sadly too late. The same white glow passed through Paige and most likely horny Piper.
"Ooopsies," she looked down sheepishly. "...My baaad."
Paige giggled. "Silly, Phoebe." She tapped her older sister on the nose with her manicured finger. "Silly, silly, Phoebe."
Chris rubbed his forehead. "I can feel the headache coming on already."
"This place is so dreary," she commented. "It's so sad," She walked around the room and poked at all of the items that weren't a bright happy color. "You need some yellow in here." She pushed back a curtain only to come face to face with a cloudy fog covered sky. "Oh, my! How depressing." She started to cry. "W-why is it so dark?" Paige brightened up almost instantly, the effects of the spell. "Well that's okay, we'll fix it!"
She glanced at the TV and listened as Chris how he got his name, it being Leo's father's name. "Well, how odd, I thought you said that you didn't get your name from a family member."
Chris rolled his eyes. "I lied. Do you really think mom and da-Leo would name me Chris Perry from Scrubs?"
"That's not very nice, mister, you should get your tongue cut out for that."
Phoebe suddenly chanted, "Guided spirits hear my plea, annul this magic, please let it be."
Paige – and again, maybe a horny Piper – snapped out of it. She glared, "Then why the hell did they name you Chris Perry?"
"Because they liked Mathew Perry."
"Really?"
"Nooo," Chris said slowly. "They didn't name me after an actor or one of your TV show fetishes. Perry because mom wanted to continue the 'p' tradition and Chris because Leo wanted to name me after his father."
Paige pouted, "You're such a downer."
"Hi, ladies. Chris." Darryl greeted.
"Hi." Phoebe said and then shut the door.
"We thought you were the patrol guy come to shoot Phoebe." Paige said casually as if it were an everyday thing.
"Sorry. Actually I'm here to get Chris. I'm afraid I'm going to have to take him into custody for assaulting me." Darryl explained in that happy voice that everyone uses in this 'jacked up on anti-depressants' world.
"Dude, I didn't assault you." Chris said, clearly annoyed.
"No, but Evil Chris did." Paige said in a mid-day pre-schooler's show voice.
"That wasn't me."
"You're still a fugitive anyways." Phoebe smiled brightly.
"Okay, you're not helping, thanks." Chris said.
"You know, I'm only giving you this chance because we used to be friends."
"That is so sweet, Darryl." Phoebe squealed
"And, evil double or no, someone has to do the time."she gasped, "Take him away, Darryl."
Paige grinned and left with Phoebe, throwing Chris to the obnoxiously cheerful dogs, so to speak.
"So, what? You're just going to leave?" Chris asked.
"Listen, young man, we can do this the easy way or the hard way. Your choice." He said with a shit-eating grin on his face.
"I don't have time for this." He telekinetically threw Darryl out the door. "Have a nice day." he mocked before telekinetically closing the door.
Paige snickered, "Badass."
"If I had to live in that world, I would kill myself." Chris said and Phoebe nodded in agreement.
Paige stopped her ridiculous giggling long enough to reply, "I would too, I mean, c'mon, there's obviously no booze in that world, I think we would all go crazy."
"Touche," Chris said.
Suddenly, and oddly, a portal opened up on the wall and Wyatt walked out...again...
"Wyatt?" Paige asked.
He snorted, "No, Santa Clause."
Phoebe gasped, her eyes lighting up. "Saaaanta?"
Chris rolled his eyes. "No."
She chucked a pillow at Wyatt, "Party pooper."
He dodged it and sat on the couch. "Where's Piper and Leo,"
Paige smiled. "Oh that horny couple? There somewhere off in the desert probably conceiving a third child."
"A third child?" Phoebe asked, her voice taking the tone of an astonished five year-old again.
"We don't have any other siblings." Wyatt informed.
Chris glared at him and made the shut up sign.
"Awee, party pooper." Phoebe said sadly, then she perked up, "OH! That must mean they're making you!"
"AWW GROSS!" Chris, Wyatt, and… well, still Wyatt, all screamed.
There was a moment of silence.
"Why are you here?" Chris asked nervously. Although in the past Wyatt was extremely...weird, he still scared Chris shitless.
He waved his hand. "Oh you know, same ol' same ol'," They stared at him, uncomprehending, "My annoying ass demons have driven me even crazier than I am now and I was forced to get out."
Paige raised an eyebrow. "To here of all places?"
Chris nodded. "Yeah, bro, not your smartest choice ever."
"You could be a little supportive!" He snapped.
Paige and Chris shared a look. "Naaah."
"Complication?" Leo asked Paige, talking about Piper being in labor.
Paige gasped, "Oh, dear. You don't know?"
"Know what? Is something wrong?" Leo asked.
"Well, I'm sure the doctors are going to find out any minute, and everything is going to be just peachy." Paige squealed.
"I gotta go see her." He turned around to leave, but Paige stopped him.
"No! That's against the hospital rules."
"Screw the rules." He muttered.
"Okay, but you're going to get in trouble." She said in a singsong voice.
In the hospital hallway Leo looks across the abandoned pathway to see baby Wyatt sitting on the floor.
"Wyatt?"
"I was so adorable," Wyatt cooed.
Chris muttered, "Yeah, what happened?"
Suddenly Wyatt looked over to the other couch to see younger him. "Oh, hello there."
Little Wyatt rolled his eyes, "Dumb ass."
"What's up with him...me?" Wyatt asked.
Paige groaned. "Terrible twos."
Barbas, appeared beside him, whispering in his ear, "Watch as the thing you fear most comes to life and the future is lost." He disappeared and Wyatt grew to about mid twenties.
"Wyatt?" Leo asked.
Wyatt walked towards him. "What's the matter, dad? Don't you recognize me? I'm the Wyatt you're trying to save, the one from Chris' future." He threw Leo hard into the wall.
"You fear that there is no way to save him, that he is lost to evil." Barbas commented into his ear again.
"Excalibur!" He called and the sword orbed into his hands.
"And it's your failure as a father." Barbas said.
"This isn't right. You're good. I'm here to save you." Leo protested.
"I don't think so." Wyatt growled. He stabbed him and Leo fell to the ground in pain and in shock.
Chris pouted. "Why wasn't his greatest fear me dying?"
Paige rolled her eyes, "I get that Leo ignored you when you were growing up, but c'mon Chris you're acting a little self centered. Yes, we get it, you have daddy issues, but enough is enough!"
Wyatt nodded. "Yeah, Chris."
"Don't make me sacrifice you both." Gideon told Chris.
Gideon turned to pick up Wyatt, and Chris telekinetically threw Gideon. Gideon made an athame appear and then he vanished from sight. Chris rushed towards Wyatt when suddenly, Gideon appeared next to Chris and stabbed him in the stomach. Chris fell to his knees, groaning in pain. Gideon pulled the athame out.
"Dad!" Chris called before collapsing on the floor.
"DUDE!" Phoebe shouted, suddenly feeling very mature.
"DUDE!" Paige screamed, mouth dropping open.
"DUDE!" Wyatt boomed, accidentally blowing up the grandfather clock.
"DWUDE!" little Wyatt shrieked, bursting into tears. He then shrugged and said, "Hehe, he's dead! Someone pass the weed?"
Chris pursed his lips and stated, "That's sucks."
Wyatt glared at him angrily. "You're dying and all you have to say is 'that sucks'?"
He shrugged. "Well yeah."
"Why don't you care about your well-being for once?"
He rolled his eyes. "It's hard to worry about myself, when you're evil, I'm dead, and it's not like I can count on mom and the aunts. They're so busy with their personal lives; they'll probably forget that you're evil. And dad will be too busy going berserk on Gideon. So that pretty much leaves… uh, no one to save your ass."
Paige laughed. "The Wyatt on the TV is more evil than you."
Wyatt glared. "He is not! I can be evil," He looked around the room and knocked a vase off from a shelf, "See!"
Phoebe glared. "That was my favorite vase!"
Little Wyatt looked at her weirdly, "Tat vafe ugy. Oo, are twoo," he added, pointing at Phoebe with a chubby finger and snickering.
Barbas went to stab Wyatt, but he orbed away.
"No!" Gideon shouted. Barbas fell on the floor and Gideon pulled him up.
"Slippery little devil, isn't he?"
"Now look what you've done!" Gideon snapped.
"Well, you didn't tell me that he could orb." he replied.
"I didn't know he could. That's why I wanted to be careful. Although I doubt he's able to orb out of the underworld. Even he's not that powerful yet!"
"I deny that," Wyatt interrupted. Little him nodded in agreement.
Suddenly Piper and Leo orbed in. Leo grinned at Piper, "That was great!"
She rolled her eyes and crossed her arms. "Yeah, all twenty minutes of it."
He glared, "Piper! That's not fair! We cuddled."
She sat on the couch, sitting next to Chris and Phoebe. "Yeah, that was half the twenty minutes."
"May I remind you that during some of that you started acting weird. Seriously, you just rolled off me and started giggling like crazy, so, yeah." Leo sat down next to Paige and Wyatt, little Wyatt orbed off the floor and into his father's lap. Leo looked over towards older Wyatt and nodded. "Hey, Wy."
"Dad," He replied.
"How's evil life treatin' ya?"
Wyatt grinned. "Pretty damn good. You?"
Leo waved his hand. "Wasn't the life for me."
Wyatt nodded. "Yeah, you are a bit too much of a pansy for it, aren't you?"
Leo pouted, "What is it? Pick on Leo Day? What'd I miss?"
"I stabbed you in a Barbas vision, Gideon kidnapped me and stabbed Chris, who is now dying, everyone's acting absurdly happy, same old," Wyatt explained. "Oh, yeah, and CHRIS IS DYING!"
"Oh… crap…" Leo breathed, eyes watering up.
"Eh, you'll save my ass," Chris waved off, "I'm not dead yet."
"I am not going to choose between you and Wyatt, Chris. I can't." Leo said forcefully which made the real Chris scoff.
"You don't have to, dad. Find Gideon and you save us both."
"All right. All right, but I'm not leaving you alone. I'll be right back."
"Where are you going?" Chris asked.
"To get one of your aunts to watch over you. You're going to be fine. Okay? I promise." he leaned over and kissed his son's forehead before orbing out.
Piper started to cry, "I can't believe this is going to happen!" she wailed.
Paige patted her sister on her shoulder, offering some comfort.
"You should hug her," Leo suggested.
Paige smiled in thanks and hugged her sister.
"That's it, now rub her back," Paige did as suggested, "Okay that's good. Yeah-yeah, comfort her. Yeah, yeah, oh ya like that, don't ya? It-it's okay to like it. It's perfectly natural. Okay good, now smell her a little."
Paige stopped hugging her sister and all turned to look at him.
"What?" He asked.
"Are you really that sexually repressed?" Chris asked.
"He can't be," Wyatt contradicted. "I mean wasn't he just on some Nudest Beach gettin it on?"
"We did something, but it was hardly justified as 'gettin it on'." Piper stated.
"That bad huh?" Paige asked sympathetically.
"Hellooo, I am right here!" Leo shouted. "Can't you have this conversation when I'm somewhere else?"
"Wait, wait, wait," Phoebe interrupted, capturing everyone's attention. "Where the hell did you get Nudest Beach from?"
"Uh, Piper's being prepped for surgery." Phoebe said.
"Surgery? What's the matter?" Leo asked.
"They're not saying. Don't worry. We're not going to lose either Chris." Paige said. "I'll go home. You stay here." She turned towards Leo, "And you, you go find Gideon."
Piper wiped her eyes, "What's wrong?"
Paige waved her hand and got up to go back to her seat, "Oh just some complications."
Chris nodded, "Yeah you have go into emergency C-Section or something."
She gasped, "Is everything okay?"
"Yeah, one of us might die, but it's all good." She stared at him wide eyed. He didn't make a move to comfort her.
"Leo! Leo!" Paige called.
"Sorry. I was in the underworld looking for…" he saw her sad face and asked, "What's wrong?" The bedroom door opened and two SWAT members leave. Sheridan and Darryl walk to Paige and Leo, "What's going on? What the hell are you doing here?" he demanded.
"Nothing. We didn't have to." Sheridan said quietly.
"I'm sorry, Leo." Darryl apologized sadly.
Leo rushed to Piper's room and collapsed beside Chris. He called his name, trying to sound optimistic.
Chris weakly looked at him and uttered, "Hey,"
Paige stood by the doorway as the two men talked, tears streaming down her pale face.
"Hey. I'm here now. You can…hold on, okay? Hold on…hold on. I'm here. You can hold on, okay?" Chris nodded painfully. "Don't give up, okay?"
"You, either." He replied before closing his eyes and fading from existence.
"No, no, no. Please…no. No, please. No." He clutched the bed desperately. Paige stood in the threshold tears pouring out of her eyes faster and Leo started to cry also.
Everyone sat gaping at the TV.
Chris sighed, "Of course I die. I go to the past, just wanting to save my brother, and what happens? I die. Just my flipping luck!"
Piper got up and hugged her son, "We won't let that happen, sweetie, I promise. You'll live."
Phoebe nodded and smiled weakly. "Maybe there's a reason Paige orbed over to the other dimension and got these videos. It was to make sure all of this never happened."
Paige grinned, "It sure wasn't for kicks."
Leo's eyes were red rimmed and he held his arm up pinching his fingers, "A little for kicks."
Piper laughed and got up to hug her husband.
Wyatt glared at his family. "My brother just died and you're acting as if nothing happened."
Phoebe stomped her foot, "Do you not s-"
Paige held up her hand, "I got this one, Pheebs." She turned towards Wyatt, "Pretty much."
Wyatt growled, and Chris shrugged. "It hasn't happened yet."
In Barbas' lair Leo's voice echoed off the cavern walls. "Wyatt? Wyatt? Can you hear me? It's daddy. Wyatt? Wyatt, can you hear me? It's daddy."
Wyatt orbed in and Gideon steps out of the shadow. In Leo's voice he said, "Hello, son." Wyatt turned around. Five crystals orbed around Wyatt. In his normal voice he continued, "So sorry to lure you like this. Barbas…where are you?" he went over toward Wyatt. "Barbas!" Barbas walked over. "It's time."
"THAT ASSHOLE! I'm gonna kill him!" Wyatt screamed, orbing away.
Suddenly, he appeared on the television and killed him, laughing horribly, then he orbed back out.
"Dude! How'd you do that?" Paige asked in awe.
"Eh, we can both do it. It's called virtual orbing. You just rewind and it never happened," Chris explained, "Observe."
He pressed the rewind button and went back to where they were.
"Impressive."
"Took you long enough."
"Your impatience is growing tiresome." Gidoen said and held up an athame, "I blessed it already. Now it's your turn." Barbas took the athame. "Is something wrong?"
"As a matter of fact… there is." Barbas replied before stabbing Gideon.
"Why?" Gideon asked, shocked.
Barbas morphed into Leo. "Because…you murdered my son." he hit Gideon and sent him across the lair. Leo looked at Wyatt. "I'll be right back."
"Leo, please, you have to understand. I am only doing this for the greater good. I swear." Leo knocked the athame out of Gideon's hand. "Aah!"
Leo picked up Gideon. "How is killing a child ever for the greater good, huh? Who the hell are you to decide that, huh?" he demanded and then threw Gideon across the cave.
"Aaah!" Barbas flamed in behind some rocks, spying on the fight. Leo picked Gideon up. "I'm an Elder! So are you! It's what we do."
"I'm not one of you anymore." Leo growled.
"Leo, listen to me. You know what happens. You know what Chris came here to stop." Leo threw Gideon to the floor. Barbas flamed away. "Let me finish what I started. Let me save the future, the only way it can be saved."
"You're the reason the future's threatened, Gideon, not Wyatt…"
"No…"
"But because of what you do to him. I'm about to make sure neither one of you get the chance again. Mirror!" He made a hand gesture and the mirror appeared behind Gideon. Evil Leo stood in it's reflection, in the Underworld garden.
"You ready?" Evil Leo asked.
"Remember, you can't do anything. I have to do this alone." Leo reminded.
"I know."
"Do-do what?" Gideon stuttered in pain.
"A Great Evil." Leo's eyes glowed white. With both hands, he gestured and fired a stream of electricity at Gideon. He cries out in pain as he was lifted into the air. In the mirror, Leo's power lifted Evil Gideon into the air. Evil Leo stood off to the side.
"Daaaamn," Paige and Phoebe whistled.
"Huh," Wyatt mused, "You do have it in you after all." he pulled a card out of his black skinny jeans...yes...skinny jeans...and handed the card to Leo, "Ever get sick of being goody two shoes, call me."
"You're such a loser." Chris rolled his eyes.
"Well, I think you know what I mean. She's hemorrhaging." Doctor Roberts chuckled. "We can't stop it. It's everywhere. But let's all try to think positively, shall we?"
"Now you listen to me. You get your ass back in that room and you save my sister and her baby! You understand me?" Phoebe shouted.
"Security!" The doctor called and the two security guards started to walk over, one of them having a hand on their gun.
"Okay. They shoot people here, remember?" Paige reminded.
"We got to get Piper out of here. We've got to get her to Leo."
"We can't. We don't know where Leo is."
"We can't just do nothing!"
Suddenly everything, except Phoebe and Paige, go in slow-mo and Paige shakes her head.
"What's going on?" It flashed outside and the dark chased away the light blue sky. When the slow motion ends, the security guards walk past Paige and Phoebe. "Phoebe, it's night."
"Everything's back to normal?"
They turn back to Doctor.
"I'll do everything I can. I promise. 'Scuse me."
Phoebe grinned smugly. "I knew I was intimidating. I mean just look at that; I'm so scary I made everything go back to normal 'cause no one wants to face Phoebe's wrath!"
Paige rolled her eyes. "Leo changed it back by killing Gideon."
"Nuh-uh!"
"Uh-huh!"
"Nuh-uh!"
"Uh-huh!"
"Nuh-uh!"
Paige slapped herself, no not mentally, she actually slapped herself for being so stupid. "Whatever, Phoebe."
"Well if I were Leo I would beat Gideon within an inch from Death and then revive him only to do it again. When I'm done with him, he'll be too sore to even walk anymore." Wyatt hissed.
Chris and Paige once again shared a look before collapsing on the floor in hysterics.
So i hope you guys liked it. Ahh, sexual jokes are so fun to write...you did get the sexual humor in this story right? I hope you did. I've had a crappy week, and it would be greatly appreciated if you would leave me a comment about this chapter. To cheer me up? Please? If not that, how about for my birthday, it's in about a month. C'mon people don't be heartless!...Now i have Heartless by Kanye West in my head...thanks. Now look what ya did...That is a good song though. Have you heard the Edward Cullen version? Pretty hee-larious...Gosh i ramble. How did we even get on this topic?
Thanks to my amazing friend Victoria (Just a Girl With a Keyboard) for adding her bits and pieces to this chapter.
And another special thanks to my awesome beta: Piper Chris Melinda Halliwell.