June 9, 247
I've been a Bad Dog. A real bad Dog, and a bad friend.
When Goodwin and Pounce finally woke up, two days ago, well after my fight with Aniki, I got a very stern lecture. That is to say, both Goodwin and Pounce yelled at me sorely for alienating Aniki. No matter what I said to try and explain it away, I got yelled at more. Goodwin and Pounce were so mad that they went for a walk and I had to go down to the Kennel by myself when it was time to muster for Watch. Neither of them would talk to me.
Lando defended my actions, and though there was some good feeling to being told you're right, I felt horrible. It was just, every time I looked at him, I could hear Aniki telling me he was a pirate, and it just made everything he said, no matter how good, feel wrong. After Watch, Orem puts a hand on my shoulder.
"When I feel horrid. I find a priest or priestess of the Black God." He tells me, whispering it in my ear. "It helps." Well, I didn't feel like talking to the Black God, being as them as are Dead can't help me out of this.
When Nightwing arrived, I thought Goodwin would be her usual gruff self and make me read both letters. She didn't. She read them herself and read them to Pounce, but didn't even look at me. Ersken and Tunstall both told me I did wrong by yelling at Aniki. They even told me that it were wrong to disbelieve the Rogue, being as it is Rosto and his crew who are helping to clean up the Coles in Corus. I felt awful. I read their words again and again, hoping that amongst the angry "How could you do sommat so stupid?" comments, there was one that might say they forgave me my mistake.
After some thinking about it, I was near set to cry. I knew that yelling at Aniki was wrong. She's a sensible mot, she'd have understood everything Lando had said. She was my friend, and I threatened to arrest her. When I tried to approach Goodwin, to apologize, she gives me an icy glare.
"It ain't me you need to apologize to." She says coldly. "It's Aniki." Pounce won't even look at me.
"How?" I ask her. "Please, tell me how do I do this?" I can feel myself set to cry but it don't turn Goodwin to my favor.
"Oh, now you listen to me?" she says, coldly. She defrosts a little bit, enough to tell me, "I can't tell you how to apologize, else it ain't your apology." And she returns to giving me the cold shoulder and walks out of my room.
"Pounce," I croak miserably. "Will you help me?" He twitches his tail. Sniff's and walks out of the room.
You don't need me. Remember? He says, rubbing my nose in my words. I can't help it. Even Pounce who's usually so forgiving of me. Even Pounce won't talk to me. I take a walk and I forget my cloak on purpose. When the rain starts coming down in sheets, I just let it fall all over me.
June 10, 247
I wondered if there was any point in sending a report telling folk I was sorry for actin' the way I did. There probably weren't but I wrote it all out anyway. I didn't send it. It's just sitting on my desk, written.
I went for a walk this morning and it was still raining a storm. While I'm walking through the Dockmarket, a man taps me on the shoulder. "Looking for food?" he asks me and I shake my head no. "You aren't now, but you will be soon. You might want a choice of my wares." He opens his coat and there in his pocket are six glowing vials, each one filled with an acidly colored liquid. Poison. If I was on Watch, ideally I should arrest him. If I was a Good Dog, I would've. But I ain't a Good Dog. I'm a bad Dog. Making eye contact with the man, he explains everything to me in just a glance. Just one. The Black God's option. It ain't unheard of. Happen's to Dogs all the time. It's easier than going mad chasing Rats.
I buy a vial and it's bright green. He even does me a favor, by putting it on a piece of string, so I can wear it close to me. Normally, Pounce would scold me for even considering suicide. But knowing I'm hated, knowing folk think I'm a bad Dog. Knowing I'm worse than Rats, well it's a thought that invades my mind. I'm going to stop by the Black God's shrine tonight after Watch and visit a priestess of the Black God and Set things right.
Very Late, after Watch.
I did indeed go to the Black God's Temple after Watch. Goodwin didn't even realize I was gone. Nor did Pounce.
The temple is unlike the temples of Mithros and the Mother, which are circular, to represent the Sun and the Moon. Instead, the Black God's temple is rectangular. It's built with an isle down the middle and an altar at the front. The altar has a statue of the Black God, his arms extended in a most welcoming gesture, wearing his long black robe. On the side walls are 4 small rooms, four being the number of death. There is a priest or priestess of the Black God, in each room. You can confess your sins to them and they'll give you advice and show you mercy.
When I walked into the temple I realized I wasn't the only one there. I figured since it was so late, there'd be almost no one in the temple. Amongst the few people, praying and waiting for a Priest, hoping that someone will forgive them, there is someone I didn't expect to see: Lockhorn.
I sat down next to him, bowing in the direction of the God. My thoughts wandered and I found myself, not so much praying, but telling the Black God what had happened and what I'd done. I said it all silently but my lips were moving.
"It's odd seeing a Dog here" says Lockhorn quietly, when I finish telling my tale. I look at him and find him a much softer man than he was a few days ago.
"I could say the same for you." I tell him quietly. Both of us are whispering, being as it feels quite rude to talk loud in the Black God's Temple, being as he's a source of peace. And yelling ain't peaceful.
"I'm here every week." He says turning his eyes to the Black God's Statue at the front of the Temple. "I tell him the wrong I've done. With all the honesty I can muster. And I find ways to come to peace with my sins. That way," he says, his gaze seeking the eyes beneath the Black God's hood. "That way, when I die and find myself at the doors to the Peaceful Realms, The Black God can tell me, 'I know what you've done, continue on.'"
He's being very candid with me. Something he wouldn't have done with me had I been on Watch. I looked down and realized I was still in my Dog uniform. "You're wondering how I can tell you this, with you being a Dog?" He says, recognizing my confusion. I nod sheepishly. "Because, your work is something you work at in this life. When you pass into the Peaceful Realms, you are only who your heart wants you to be."
"That don't make sense. What if I'm a Dog at heart? What if you love your job?" I ask him and he stands, at first I'm afraid I've offended him, so I jump up.
"Walk with me," he says, gesturing to the temple at large. I let him out of the row and we leisurely walk around the circumference of the building. I'll tell you now that we walked around the building a lot. But each time, we'd pause before the God's statue. We walked some in silence.
"I know what's been bothering you." He says wisely. "You are fighting with yourself. Your mind is fighting with your heart." I'm so surprised at how right he's got it, that I can do nothing but nod. "I've fought that same battle with myself, time and time again. I've found that I must sacrifice all emotion to be a good rogue. To be a good chief to my people."
"No humanity. Just perfect Justice. Always following rules." I tell him. It's a rule in the Dogs handbook. We're not supposed to be exceedingly caring. We're supposed to hand out punishment for crimes. We're supposed to stop crimes.
"I imagine that was in the Dogs Training Book?" he asks and I blush in response. "Well, the thoughts the same in my world. If a cove steals from me, I lop off a body part. If he does it again, I lop off another one. Third strike, he's out, gone. Off to see my Lord here." He gestures to the statue. "But see, here's the thing. We're human. And perfect Justice is a denial of our humanity."
"Why? The human spirit demands justice if it's been wronged?" I ask him. He gives me a look and I shut my gob for a second.
"Well, I'm getting to that. Humankind ain't perfect. We just ain't. The God's is perfect. So to expect humans to know what perfect Justice is, well that's just unrealistic. Human's make mistakes. So you do your best and do what you can in this life. But one thing humans got that God's don't have, is their humanity. God's don't understand remorse, God's don't quite get forgiveness. It ain't part of their nature. Their Nature is the control of our Universe. All God's is like this: they expect obedience from their followers, they don't really quite care what makes their servants happy. Except the Black God. Because he doesn't follow this rule of perfect Justice. He understands humanity. He understands our weaknesses and our desires. He understands that we follow our heart. The Black God is perfect Mercy."
"Perfect Mercy?" I ask, having never heard the term. We've come around to the front and Lockhorn has looked up again into the face of the Black God. He's seeking the eyes of the God.
"Aye," he says looking up at his face, "Perfect Mercy. Meaning he understand our heart. Our flaws, and can forgive us for them."
"You sound like a priest." I tell him quietly. He smiles at that.
"I might at that. I've been coming here a while. Me and the Dark God, we've got an odd relationship. You ain't supposed to speak to the God until the day you die, but him and me, we just understand each other." He starts moving again. And I obediently walk beside him.
"So, the Black God understands us, its why he can forgive us. He shows perfect mercy. For us to attempt perfect justice, is to forget what we are, that is to say human. We can't be like the God's. We don't know what will change a person's heart from Good to evil." I'm summarizing what he's said, the way I understand it.
"That's right. But it's not so much from Good to Evil. Not much in this world is 'evil' it's just not the same as "good." See, we all choose the path we're going to walk in life. We have a choice: do what we perceive is right or what we perceive is easy. In the end, there is no easy choices, just other choices."
"So, you chose one of the "other" choices?" I ask him. And he nods carefully.
"So've you." He says and I'm surprised. "See, you're a pretty mot. You had the choice of becoming a maidservant or seamstress. People expect mots to be sweet and clean. But you didn't want that, you wanted the fight. You wanted to know that you were really truly choosing your own life. You could've done that as a Rat. Or as a Dog. You chose Dog."
"But I gone and been a bad Dog." I tell him quietly and I can hear the tears in my voice.
"Nah, you ain't. You done what's expected of you as a dog. What you've done is been a Bad Beka." He tells me and I'm confused. "You didn't listen to your heart. Like I said, you've been arguing with yourself. Your job is one part of you, but your heart is another part of you. Sometimes, your heart shouldn't listen to your job. Friends is one of those things. Love is one of those things. You listen to your heart, not your job."
"I get it." I tell him. "At least I think I do." We've come back to the statue of the Black God. I look into his face and I realize that the God's eyes are kind. Someone's given the God human eyes. A face that is homely and understanding. I pull the little vial out from around my neck. "The Black God's Option was never a Dog's option. Or a Rats option. We're made of sterner stuff than that. I'm made of sterner stuff than that." I step around the offerings people have left for the God, until I'm at his side on the Altar. People have gasped at my brazenness. I wrap the string around his fingers, and leave the vial to hang between his fingers. It's bright green liquid lighting up the ebony hands of the statue. I hug the God around the neck, and I can feel a small pressure around my waist, as though some one has hugged me in return.
"Thank you!" I whisper to Lockhorn. Running from the temple I rush into my room and send the pigeon with my letter. "Forgive me, forgive Beka." I say to the bird as he takes off.
Author's Note: Ooooooh. Lots of stuff happening!! Review! Review! Review!
---Lady Wolf---