Chapter twenty one:
She felt guilty.
"It's my fault, isn't it?" she asked.
He didn't know how to respond.
"My fault," she said.
He pretended he hadn't been paying attention.
"For what?"
"The counseling," she said.
"No." he lied this time.
"Bullshit."
"You sound like Brass," he said setting the container down.
"You didn't need counseling until me," she said.
"How do you know that? Maybe I needed counseling for years but never asked for help until you?"
She expected something mean.
It wasn't.
She gulped back tears.
"I never meant to hurt you," she said.
"Hurt me? You never hurt me Sara. I hurt you. I did this. I continue to do this. You need to find someone who can love you, marry you, give you a family…" he stopped.
She was turning green.
"I'll wait," she said swallowing hard.
"It will never happen."
"What will never happen?" she asked.
"Us."
"You don't mean that," she whispered.
"Yes, I do. You'll start to date other people, find someone else. I'll continue at the lab, it's what's important to me…not us."
Now that was mean.
"You can leave now," she said.
"Brass will be here soon," he said.
"Go!"
"You see? This is us."
"No, it's not!"
"Yes, it is."
She threw the blanket off and scrambled to get up.
He refused to let her get up.
"Let me up!"
"You're going to hurt yourself," he said softly.
She tried once more but he held her down.
He knew he was in trouble the minute her lips found his.
"Sara…stop," he said.
"Stop me," she said between kisses.
She pulled at his shirt and he grabbed her wrists pinning her down on the couch.
He could not stop her lips.
She came up and pressed them firmly against his and then he felt her tongue and he lost it.
His hands were on her now as he pulled her to him and he no longer cared that she was pulling at his clothing because he was focusing on removing hers.
She felt him lift her and she wrapped her legs around his waist.
She refused to let go.
He didn't want her to as he carried her to the bedroom.
She was glad.
She liked the couch and she would not want to throw it away if he bailed on her again.
She arched her body toward him and he plunged deep.
She gasped from the feel of him inside her.
She was already trying to set up a rhythm but it was too frenzied.
He kissed her on the lips and stroked her hair.
With each stroke, he thrust and then she picked up on the rhythm he set and she followed.
She clutched at him as they climaxed and she held on tight.
"Don't pull away," she whispered. "Please, don't."
tell him...
tell him about the baby...
he needs to know...
tell him...
It tore at him.
He didn't want to pull away.
He gently withdrew and she felt him ease off her.
"Gil?"
He dressed.
She dressed.
"Don't move," he said. "Just stay in bed."
"Don't leave."
"Stay put."
She sat on the edge of the bed.
She started to tell him but she could see that he was visibly upset.
He swiped his hand through his hair.
"Gil?"
"Don't!"
She stopped.
He started for the door and she stood.
"Stay!" he warned.
She sat back down.
His hands were trembling.
She was up now.
"Sara, sit!"
"Your hands…you're trembling. What's wrong?"
There was a knock on the door and then Brass stepped in.
"Sara?" he called.
Brass stared at the two.
"Are you okay?"
"I'm fine," she said. "I need to talk with Grissom."
Brass looked at him.
"I've got to go. I only stayed until you could get here," Grissom said as he headed to the door but then stopped. "She's gotten dizzy quite a bit. She shouldn't be up. Take her to her appointment tomorrow."
He turned and headed for the door.
"Grissom!" she yelled.
He did not stop.
She jumped up but Brass blocked her.
"Get out of my way," she said. "There's something wrong with him!"
"He seemed fine," said Brass.
"He wasn't!"
"Sara…"
"What's going on between you and Grissom?"
"Nothing," he lied.
He cursed inwardly.
"Go after him," she said.
"Sara, he's…"
"You don't care. You say you do but something is different. You haven't even bothered to find out why he's been seen at a hospital on a regular basis…"
"He's in counseling," he said quietly.
"You knew?"
"I followed him. I was worried."
She sat down on the bed and held her head.
"You're turning green. Sit back!"
"Why is he going to counseling?"
"I can't find that out. I tried. He's seeing a friend of ours," he said.
"Something's wrong. His hands were trembling," she said. "It's my fault. This is my fault."
"Did he say that?" he asked.
"No, he didn't."
She felt the room spin and decided it was best if she stayed put. He noticed immediately
"Better?" he asked.
"My head hurts."
"Let's go."
"Go where?"
"Hospital."
"I have an appointment for tomorrow."
"You can't wait that long," said Brass.
"Yes, I can."
"One more episode and we go."
"Fine," she said as she leaned back in the bed.
"Jim?"
"Yeah?"
"Did you two have a fight?"
"No."
She stared at him.
He thought he was squirming.
She closed her eyes.
He sighed.
"How come I don't believe you?" she whispered.
He was speechless.
It didn't matter.
She had fallen asleep.
He sat there on the couch while he dialed the number.
He did not answer.
He cursed.
He tried again.
"Grissom."
"I'm surprised you answered this time."
"You didn't leave her alone did you?"
"No, she's asleep."
He was silent.
"I'm worried about you," said Brass.
He hung up.
Brass called back.
It rolled over to voice mail.
He cursed.
Stubborn bastard…
By morning her condition was worse.
She could barely walk without getting dizzy.
She insisted on a shower.
It was hurried and awkward but she got it done.
"Let's go," he said.
She stared at him.
"You're not going."
"Just how do you propose you are going to get there in your condition?"
She cursed.
"This is awkward."
"I'm taking my daughter to the doctor. Why is it awkward?"
"I'm going to a gynecologist."
His face turned red.
"See my point."
"Wait. You're going to a gynecologist for an inner ear problem?"
"I have other problems…just female…nothing major…this is so embarrassing. I knew it would take awhile to get an appointment with my regular doctor and I already had this appointment scheduled so she said she would treat me for both."
"Both?"
"We are so not going there," she said.
"If it was serious, you would tell me, right?"
"Yeast infection…I'm not going to die…inner ear…bigger problem," she said.
I am so sick of telling lies…
He nodded as if he was relieved.
"I'm still taking you," he said.
She let him.
She wasn't sure how she would manage without him.
"Red does not look good on you," whispered Sara as they sat down in the lobby of the doctor's office.
"Not used to being around pregnant women," he said.
"You got something against pregnant women?" she asked.
"No. I can't imagine you pregnant," he said.
Me either…
Until now…
Wait in another month or so…
I won't be able to hide it forever…
Everyone will know…
Even Grissom…
Then he'll really be mad…
"You wouldn't want grandchildren?" she asked.
"Of course I do. You haven't met someone, have you?"
Yes and I am way past the courtship stage…
"Don't imagine I'll ever be married," she said.
"I guess I won't get grandchildren then," he said.
He's going to be so disappointed in me…
"There's Ellie," she said quietly.
"Ellie is not mine," he said.
She looked shocked.
"Yes, she is…blood doesn't make you a family."
She didn't mean to hurt him.
Her stomach began to churn.
"Ellie doesn't want me as a father."
"Has she told you this?"
"She's shown me that all of her life. I know it was hard on her when her mother and I divorced but she didn't have to be so angry all the time."
Sara said nothing.
The thoughts of being a single parent frightened her.
"Sidle"
She stood.
He pulled on her arm. "Be sure and have them correct your name."
She stood and glared at him when he tried to follow.
"This is where we part ways," she said. "I'll be back."
She slowly made her way to the nurse.
She didn't do so bad.
She managed to dodge the women even though she knew her balance was definitely off.
"You have an inner ear infection," said Dr. Randal.
"You're kidding, right?" Sara asked incredulously.
She had lied about a diagnosis and it had been correct.
"No. It explains the dizziness and the vomiting. It's not just the morning sickness."
"Oh."
"We'll schedule you an appointment in just a few weeks for the ultrasound."
"Ultrasound?"
"To see how the baby is progressing and determine its sex…if you want to know."
"Yes."
She was handed a prescription for the inner ear infection along with a medical statement for work. She was back at home in a few hours. He insisted on staying. She insisted on sleeping.
He took the liberty of calling Grissom.
He answered with the first ring.
"It was an inner ear infection. She'll be out a couple of days," said Brass.
"Did they check her blood pressure? Doc said it was high," he tried to cover the concern but failed miserably.
"She didn't say anything. I imagine it was fine."
Brass heard him sigh.
"Thanks for caring about her," he said quietly. "Listen Gil..."
He cursed when he heard the click.
She was back at work in a few days.
He didn't seem as harsh with her but rather kept a close eye as if he needed to know she was fine.
She knew her time was running out.
She needed to tell him about the baby before it became obvious.
She now felt the slight bulge.
The pregnancy was becoming tangible and soon she would no longer be able to keep it from anyone.
She starred a date on the calendar.
It was a random date.
It would be the date she told him.
She had tried to rehearse what she would say but she could never get to the word, "pregnant."
The day arrived.
It was supposed to be like any other shift but it wasn't.
Note from author:
It's coming…the revelation…the reaction…the missed signals…GSR.
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Take care,
Penny