Intro: The Vista Cruiser. Eric is driving and Donna is in the passenger seat. They're heading to Madison.
Eric: I can't believe we have to delay our trip so you can talk to Jackie. This is absurd.
Donna: I tried calling her but she wasn't there. Eric, you don't understand. This is really, really important.
Eric: What's so important?
Donna: (Pause) It's personal.
Eric: (Mad) Personal! You're making me miss my flight, delay meetings with my colleagues, and drive across the state! It doesn't get much more personal than that!
Donna: Don't get twitchy! It's just, well it's from Hyde and I don't think he would appreciate it if you read it.
Eric: (Getting madder) What! You read it!
Donna: (Feeling guilty) I know, OK?
Eric: (Frustrated) Who knows? Maybe Schotzie even read it!
Donna: Eric!
Eric: (Yelling) In fact, everyone on the planet besides Jackie and me probably read it!
Donna: (Yelling) Eric! Slow down!
(A Police siren is heard off-screen and lights are flashing).
Eric: (Frustrated) Great! See what you did!
Donna: (Mad) Me! You're the one who's driving like Andretti!
Eric: Well Donna, if you weren't yelling in my ear I might be able to concentrate. (He pulls the car over).
Donna: (Bitchy) Oh I am so not talking to you right now!
(A police officer walks up to the car).
Eric: (Trying to be charming) Hey there officer. How's it going? Lovely weather we're having.
Police Officer: License and registration please.
(Eric looks over at Donna).
Eric: Donna? Little help?
(She folds her arms across her chest and turns her head towards the window ignoring him).
Eric: (To Donna while he's reaching over her) Thanks a lot. (He grabs them out of the glove compartment and hands them to the officer). Here you are, sir.
Police Officer: I'll be right back.
Eric: (Stopping him) Officer? Would it help if I told you that my friend Michael Kelso used to be a cop in Wisconsin?
Police Officer: Kelso? Michael Kelso? Tater-nuts? (Starts laughing hysterically).
Eric: (Astonished) You heard that story?
Police Officer: (Laughing) You're actually friends with that guy? (Laughing harder) I was going to give you a warning but hell I can't wait to tell the guys at the station that I gave a ticket to one of his friends! (Still laughing, he walks back to the squad car).
Eric: (Looking over at Donna) I can't believe this.
Donna: Don't look at me. I'm still not talking to you.
Eric: No I mean, who would have thought that Tater-Nuts was known statewide?
Opening credits start.
Act I:
Scene 1: Forman's Kitchen. Kitty and Red are drinking coffee and eating breakfast. Laurie comes in.
Laurie: (Grabbing a piece of toast off of the table) See you guys later.
Kitty: And just where do you think you're going?
Laurie: To look for apartments.
Kitty: Really? Or are you just saying that?
Laurie: I guess I'm just saying that. See ya!
Red: (Stopping her) No, no, no. This isn't an option. You need to find someplace to live. And that someplace is not here.
Laurie: But Daddy, it's hard to find a place out there. We've been looking really, really hard but we can't seem to find anything.
(Martin comes in through the sliding glass doors).
Martin: Great news honey! I found us an apartment!
Laurie: (Slightly embarrassed) See?
Red: Well, isn't that great news, right Laurie?
Laurie: (Covering) Yay!
Martin: (To Laurie) Come on. I want to show it to you. It's just perfect.
Kitty: Uh Martin? Why don't you come into the living room and sit down and have some toast and coffee.
Martin: OK, but just a half a cup. My ulcer has been acting up lately.
(They head into the living room).
Red: Laurie? What's going on?
Laurie: Nothing.
Red: Don't lie to me.
Laurie: OK look Daddy, I don't think I want to live with Martin OK?
Red: Oh God! First Eric delay's his trip and now this. Well that's it. (Starts to yell) I have had it! If you two won't leave than Kitty and I will have to move!
Laurie: It's not that Daddy. It's just, Martin means a lot to me and I don't want to screw that up.
Red: Excuse me?
Laurie: I just don't want to be the same girl that I was. You know, someone who would sleep (sees Red's shocked reaction), I mean date a lot of guys and then just move on. I really want this one to stick. And, if I move in with him, I'm afraid that it won't.
Red: Look kitten, I always knew that you weren't Daddy's little angel all of the time. And as long as I blocked it out of my mind, I was able to live with it. But, you're an adult now. And, if you want to make this relationship work, you have to take the next step.
Laurie: Really Daddy? So you won't be disappointed in me?
Red: (Hugging her) Of course not sweetheart. I already went through that when you dated Kelso.
Laurie: Yeah. I think I was going through a destructive phase.
Scene 2: Jackie and Peter's apartment. Jackie's sitting on the bed painting her nails while Peter's frantically looking around the room for one of his books.
Peter: Jackie? Have you seen my History book?
Jackie: No. (Continues painting her nails).
Peter: I'm so late. The class already started 10 minutes ago!
Jackie: So? Just go there and share with someone else.
Peter: You don't understand. There's an open book quiz today.
Jackie: OK, so let the guy next to you take the test and then just copy his answers.
Peter: You're not helping.
Jackie: Ugh! I can't concentrate with you being all hysterical. (She stops painting her nails and throws a book to the side).
Peter: Jackie? Were you painting your nails on my History book?
Jackie: (Realizing) Oh, I guess I was. It really has the perfect thickness and durability that provides the best quality manicure.
Peter: Huh, you've really thought this through. Anyway, gotta go. (He grabs the book, kisses her on her head and exits).
(Jackie goes back to painting her nails. The phone rings).
Jackie: Damn! Why can't I just paint my nails in peace! (She picks up the phone) Hello?
Donna: Jackie? Thank God you're there! I've been calling all morning!
Jackie: Let me guess. You woke up and got a clue and said to yourself, "Oh my God! I'm actually going to South America with Eric? Ew!"
Donna: Uh, no that's not it. Look, I'm at a rest stop about 30 miles outside of Madison.
Jackie: Madison?
Donna: Yeah, look can you meet me somewhere? It's really important.
Jackie: Why don't you just come to my apartment?
Donna: No! I mean, I'd rather not have Peter around.
Jackie: Why? Does this have something to do with Eric?
Donna: Uh, (covering) yes! Yes it does. I'm having problems with Eric and I need to talk to you about it alone.
(Eric walks up and overhears).
Eric: What the hell!
Donna: (Covering the phone) Shh. I'm just covering.
Eric: (Pissy and waiving his finger at Donna) Oh you better be missy. Because this is all your fault. This has been a horrendous day and
Donna: (Cutting him off) Shh. We'll talk about it later. Go find a vending machine and pick us up some Twinkies.
Eric: (Walking away) Twinkies will not solve our problems Donna.
Donna: (Rolling her eyes at Eric as he walks away) Jackie?
Jackie: Yeah?
Donna: Is there a place I can meet you?
Jackie: OK, there's a little coffee shop on the corner of Speedway & Midvale.
Donna: Great! I'll meet you there in an hour.
Jackie: OK, bye.
Donna: Bye.
(Eric comes back and hands something to Donna).
Eric: All they had were Chunkies. (He takes a bite and then throws it on the ground. He starts whining) It just isn't the same, you know?
(Donna shakes her head at him and exits).
Eric: What? (He follows her).
Scene 3: Chicago Police Academy. Kelso, Rob & James are in class. Rob's snoring and James is reading a dirty magazine. Kelso has a big cup of coffee on his desk, sharpened pencils and his textbook is open. Officer Walters is conducting class.
Officer Walters: OK, now. Can anyone tell me the penalty for urinating in public?
James: (To Kelso) Ha Ha! He said urinating. (Laughing. Kelso ignores him)
(Kelso raises his hand).
Officer Walters: Yes Officer Kelso?
Kelso: For 1st time offenders there is a penalty of $20. However, if they are belligerent and/or drunk, the fines are usually higher based on the jurisdiction.
Officer Walters: (Shocked) Officer Kelso. That was a very concise answer. You are correct. Thank you.
Kelso: Oh no sir, thank you. (They both smile at each other. Officer Walters turns around and writes something on the blackboard).
James: (Grabbing Kelso's arm and whispering to him) Dude, what are you doing?
Kelso: What? I'm paying attention.
James: Well stop it! You're freaking Rob and me out. (They look over at Rob who is snoring louder).
Officer Walters: OK, here's a tricky one. When entering a perpetrator's home, what is the first thing an officer should do in order to clear the room?
(Kelso raises his hand again) Yes, Officer Kelso?
Kelso: When an officer enters, he should check all corners of the room first. That way he has covered all angles out of his peripheral view.
Officer Walters: Correct again, Officer Kelso.
(The class moans and rolls their eyes. Kelso has a goofy smile on his face and begins sharpening more pencils at his desk).
Kelso: Why thank you sir.
James: (Whispering to Kelso) You disgust me.
Kelso: You're just jealous because I'm smarter than you.
James: Smarter than me? I'm not the one who got my head stuck in the steering wheel. Again!
Kelso: Hey! Those steering wheels can be very tricky. Besides, I've already been warned by Officer Walters so there is no way that I'm going to screw this up.
Cut To: Outside the classroom, Fez shows up. He's holding a six-pack of beer, some dirty magazines, and fireworks.
Kelso: Fez! What are you doing here?
Fez: You said I could come and visit, so here I am. And I brought all of our favorite things! Let's go! (He exits and Kelso is torn on what to do next. Rob & James overhear and walk by Kelso).
James: (Laughing and slapping the back of Kelso's shoulder). Good luck, man. (Laughing harder).
Rob: (To James as they are leaving) Hey man? Did I miss anything good in class?
Act II:
Scene 4: Theo's Bar. Hyde walks in and sits at the bar. Theo is cleaning some glasses.
Theo: Hey man. You look beat.
Hyde: Yeah, it's been a rough day. We had so many customers in the store today. I don't even think there are that many people in Wisconsin man.
Theo: Looks like you could use a nice tall cold one.
Hyde: Now we're talking.
(Theo reaches behind the bar and hands Hyde a tall glass of water filled with ice).
Hyde: Uh, thanks man. But I was hoping for a beer.
Theo: OK, suit yourself. But alcohol will only kill your brain cells man.
Hyde: You know, you might want to rethink telling that to your customers. I mean, you own a bar.
Theo: I know. I got to work on my PR man. So, how's apartment hunting going?
Hyde: Eh, it's hard for me to even want to look. My Dad's place is so sweet that even his closets have marble trim. His clothes have lived a better life than I have!
Theo: That's cool man.
Hyde: Yeah, it's like the ultimate chick palace you know?
Theo: Whoa. You've been getting major action up there?
Hyde: Actually, no. Huh, (pause) now that I think about it, that sucks.
Theo: Hell yeah it sucks. You better get on that man. Can't let a sweet spread like that go to waste.
Hyde: Yeah, I mean what am I waiting for?
Theo: Beats me. Wait, is that like a trick question man? Cause I'm not good at those.
(A tall gorgeous blonde walks in with two other girls and sits down at a table. Hyde checks her out).
Hyde: Wow, perfect timing.
Theo: (Looking in the girls direction) You're not kidding, man. I've been waiting all night for my girlfriend to show up.
Hyde: (Shocked) What? No way. She's your girlfriend?
(The blonde gets up and heads towards the bar. There is another woman sitting behind her. She's older and looks real slutty. Theo waves at her).
Theo: See her? Isn't she great?
Hyde: (Realizing) Sure. (Notices the blonde walking towards him. She stops at the bar).
Blonde: (To Theo) Excuse me? My friends and I would like to order a round of drinks.
Hyde: Uh, I can take care of that for you. What are you all having?
Blonde: (Impressed) Um, 3 Tom Collins.
Hyde: Sure. (To Theo) Hey, 3 Tom Collins and I'll have another beer.
Blonde: (Sexily) My name's Lisa.
Hyde: I'm Hyde.
Lisa: Why don't you come and join us?
Hyde: Don't mind if I do. (He looks back at Theo and grabs the drinks).
Theo: Wow man, impressive.
Hyde: That's what I'm all about. These chicks are hot.
Theo: No, I'm talking about the way you're able to carry 3 Tom Collins and a beer man. That's like art or something.
(Hyde gives him a strange look and heads towards the girls' table).
Scene 5: Forman's Living Room. Kitty & Red are watching TV. Laurie and Martin enter from the kitchen.
Laurie: Hey Mom, Dad.
Red: Hello, sweetheart. So, how was the apartment?
Laurie: Great. And it's really not that expensive.
Martin: Yeah. I'm in the process of moving my dealership out here and I can't really afford too many additional expenses. I blame the damn government.
Red: (Infuriated) What!
Martin: Yeah, the government. I mean I fought for this country and all, but I don't really respect them that much anymore, you know?
Red: (Still infuriated) No, I really don't know. Why don't you explain it to me?
(Silence)
Kitty: (Signature laugh) Ok, let's just change the subject. So Laurie, when are you moving in?
Red: (Cutting Laurie off) Never! My little girl will not be living with this degenerate!
Laurie: But Daddy
Red: (Interrupting) No buts! Get upstairs young lady!
Laurie: No!
Red: What!
Laurie: You heard me. All this time you have been saying how I am an adult now and I should be making all of my own decisions. Well now I am and you can't do anything about it anymore!
Red: Laurie, I only said those things so you would move out. You should know by now not to take everything I say so literally.
Kitty: Red?
Martin: Look Red
Red: (Interrupting) There's nothing I need to hear from you.
Martin: Well, then I guess this is a bad time to officially ask you for Laurie's hand in marriage.
Red: (Shocked) What!
Kitty: I thought we agreed that you would wait awhile first.
Martin: Yeah. We talked it over and realized that if we're going to be living together, we should get married first.
Red: Yeah well, think again buddy because that's never going to happen!
Laurie: (To Martin) Boy, our timing has been really bad today huh?
Kitty: Oh no! Are you saying that you two are already married!
Martin: (Scared) Surprise! (Hesitantly, he walks over to Red & Kitty) Mom! Dad! (He hugs them. Red & Kitty are in shock).
Scene 6: Coffee Shop in Madison. Jackie is sitting at a table reading a magazine. Donna & Eric walk in.
Jackie: Hey Donna. Eric?
Donna: (Nervous) Hey Jackie. (They sit down).
Jackie: (Studying Donna) Oh no! Is this what you wanted to tell me? That you went back to being a redhead! Ick!
Donna: (Rolling her eyes) No.
Jackie: (Trying to whisper to Donna) Donna? I thought you wanted to talk about Eric? What's he doing here?
Donna: (Covering) Huh? Oh right. (To Eric, poorly acting) Uh, I hate you. Can you go away for a couple of minutes so I can bitch about you?
Eric: (Trying not to laugh) You can't be serious.
Donna: (Again, poorly acting) I'm very serious. I'm really mad at you and I need my best friend Jackie to help me through this.
Eric: (Babbling and getting upset) Hey, I'm missing my flight right now, we didn't even get the good housing, I got pulled over by a cop, the vending machine didn't have any Twinkies, and now you're asking me to leave? If you think I'm leaving, you have another thing coming woman!
(Donna and Jackie are in complete shock).
Donna: Eric? I've never seen you like this before.
Eric: (Still yelling) Yeah, well! (His normal voice) Yeah, that felt good.
Donna: I'm like so turned on now.
Eric: Really?
(Staring at each other).
Jackie: (Disgusted) OK, this is so gross! Thanks for stopping by, but I'm leaving. (She tries to stand and Donna pulls her back down).
Donna: You're right, sorry. Jackie, Eric isn't the reason I came to see you.
Jackie: He isn't? Oh, was it to see my ring? (She shows them the ring. Eric and Donna recognize it right away and are absolutely shocked).
Eric/Donna: Oh my God!
Donna: This is worse than I thought.
Jackie: Yeah, don't feel bad Eric. Not everyone can afford a ring like this.
Donna: Jackie, you need to read this. (She pulls out the letter from her pocket). Hyde left this in your room the night he left.
Jackie: What? What are you talking about? (She opens the letter and starts reading it).
Jackie,
Hey. I'm really not good at this type of stuff. But, anyway, I've left for New York. You probably don't even care. But, if for some reason you do care, then I'm hoping you'll come out here with me. You see, when I was growing up, I learned to hate people because they never used to bother with me. But then I realized that it was me who was shutting them out. And now I can see how important people are to me. And mostly, I realized that the most meaningful person in my life is you. I never meant to hurt you or take you for granted, but I know I did. So, to show you that I'm serious, I've enclosed this engagement ring. I'm not saying that either one of us is ready, but it's a promise that one day we will be together. My address is on the back of this in case you feel the same way. Otherwise, whatever. It was never meant to be. So, I guess that's it.
I love you.
Steven
(Jackie has tears coming down her face. She looks inside of the envelope for the ring).
Jackie: Where is it?
Donna: You're wearing it.
TO BE CONTINUED
Fade Out.
Tag: The Circle. Police Academy classroom. Fez, Kelso, Rob & James.
Kelso: Sorry for my absence lately, you guys. It took my little buddy Fez here to help me realize what's really important.
Rob: Chicks? No, food? No, beer? No
James: (To Rob) Don't hurt yourself there buddy. No, what's important is to have fun and not get caught.
Fez: Exactly my new cop friends. Kelso can still be a screw up, he just has to be more careful.
Officer Walters: Ahem.
Rob: Uh, oh.
James: Busted.
Fez: Ai!
Kelso: It's all right my friends. Tonight, we learn what's really important. Offering our stash to those who could crush us, may actually save us.
Rob/James/Fez: Oh/I see.
Officer Walters: Does anybody have a light? (Big smile on his face).
Fade out.