I've moved. Not mentally but in the literal sense I've gone from my couch to my bathroom. Reading makes me tired and tense so I left the letters on the table to take a nice long hot shower.

That always makes me feel so much better.

Stepping into the steaming bathroom I slip out of my clothes and into the spacious shower stall. I close my eyes and tilt my head down to let the water cascade over my hair and neck onto my back. 'God, this feels sooo good.' I open my eyes and grab a bottle from one of the nooks in the corner. 'I really hope this is shampoo.' I open the bottle and take a whiff and pull it as far away from my face as possible barely keeping a grip on it. 'That is so not shampoo, or mine for the matter. I gotta remember to throw that away. Jesus Christ what was that? Like wax and tar scented. Who the hell would buy something like that? Who's is that any-Oh! Oh, eww, gross. That's what the freaky smell on her was. Not hot. Gotta remember to be sober enough not to pick up weird smelling girls from the bar next time.' By now I'm all shampooed and rinsed in my own scent and clean as a whistle and my big comfy bed is calling my name.

Barely drying off and throwing on a beater and a pair of comfortable hot pants and hop under the down comforter covering my oversized mattress.

Sleeping would be good right about now. I've been lying awake for almost two hours now with nothing on my mind. Nothing maybe a good thing but its nerve-wracking just lying here doing…nothing. I'd try counting sheep but that has never worked before, so no point in trying that technique. Let's see, counting to a million, no that's just boring and if I'm thinking of numbers in my head I won't let myself sleep until I've actually reached a million. Hmmm, how about girls? I like girls, a lot. I wonder if I can name all the ones I've fooled around with. There was Cindy, Megan, Ryan, Lyndzi, Shannon, Erin, Tori, Traci, Amanda, Morgan, Ashleigh. That was a totally weird and kinda creepy experience, trying to sleep with a girl with the same name as you. 'Never do that again. No one wants to scream their own name plus it sounds stupid.'

So many girls and not enough days in the week to get through them all. My new favorite thing: nightlife. Girls and more girls threw themselves at me and time and time again it happened…

Flashback

This is so my scene. Sexiness everywhere and enough alcohol to swim in. Tonight should be fun.

"This is what I'm talking about. Oww! Let's party guys!"

I don't think I've ever found it strange that the majority of my friends were male and that I'd always go home with some chick at the end of the night from all the straight clubs and bars we went to almost every night.

"Hey guys I'm gonna go grab a drink, any requests?" I take all their orders and head over to give the monstrous order to the bartender. I think I bit off a little more than I could chew. I know I can't carry all of these back with me and I don't really wanna leave then have to squeeze back through to get to the bar to find that someone probably jacked the rest of my drinks. I fumble through my pockets for my cell to call one of the guys to come help me out when I realize I left it in the car. "Dammit!"

"Can I lend a hand?" Yes, you definitely can.

I look up and to my left at this gorgeous woman. Grey eyes, long blonde hair, scantly covered body. Just the way I like it. "Would you mind?"

"Definitely not. But only if you save me a dance for me tonight."

"You know, I think that can be arranged." She walks up behind me slightly letting her body rub against mine as she grabs the remaining drinks and motions for me to lead the way. We make it back to the table and half the boys have already hit the dance floor. I place the drinks down and thank her for helping me out and we make introductions. Courtnie. I so love that name right now. We chat for a while and then she goes back off with her friends with the promise of my dance.

An hour later and I've laughed so hard that my face hurts and I'm pretty buzzed. A few of the guys have found potential and headed out or to the bathrooms.

I surf the crowd and find nothing too interesting so bathroom break it is. Plus, I think my bladder would have burst listening to anymore of Johnny's drunken ramblings.

On the way back I spot Courtnie on the dance floor not really dancing with anyone but definitely something worth taking a second glance at. I watch her for a while and the song changes to "I Can Feel It" by Sean Kingston. 'It's now or never.' I make my way over to her where she can't spot me. I glide in right behind her and pick up to the pace of her hips. She tenses up slightly; I guess not expecting anyone to interrupt her scene. 'I promised you a dance and I never break my promises.' I can feel her relax into my body and her hands move up and wrap around my neck gently. We move to be music very well together and sexy doesn't even describe what this girl is. I also think that the DJ must be heaven sent because it was like every song was timed perfectly for how we were feeling. By the time "Push Up On Me" by Rihanna came on she was facing me and we were damn near fucking on the dance floor. She leans in and I suspect to whisper something in my ear but she lightly nibbles on the lobe of my ear as she nudges me towards the closest speaker.

Damn this girl can kiss. No, like I could probably be satisfied with just making out with her all night, but those are definitely her intentions by the way she's tugging at my lips and feeling up and down my body. It's almost like I feel publicly violated but in the best way ever.

I break our connection and relocate us to a vacant bathroom stall. Things heated up quite a bit and I'm sans my tank and she's also sans anything covering her top half and I'm devouring her. She sounds like heaven. Her moans and whimpers are freaking addicting and I keep running my tongue over her sensitive areas just to hear more of them. My hands roam all over her body and she's enjoying every ounce of the attention I'm giving.

"God, Spence you feel so good." 'Spence? Huh?'

I look up into grey eyes and open my eyes in shock. "Hey," she reaches out to touch my face and I jump away. "Whoa, you okay? Did I do something wrong?"

"You're not Spe- I mean um. No. No, everything's okay." I lean back in to kiss her for reassurance and she gently moves me against the door and ravishing my neck. I'm sure that'll leave a mark.

"Ash, not too rough. I don't want my mom to see your love bites all over my neck and it's too hot to wear turtlenecks."

I roughly push Courtnie off of me and try to unlock the door from behind me but she grabs me. "What the hell? Seriously, I'm doing some of my best work here Ashley. What's your deal?"

"It's nothing. I just-I-um-I have to go. I'm sorry." I reach the latch on the door and release it while grabbing my shirt and throwing it over my head as I leave a bewildered looking and frustrated Courtnie in the bathroom. I make my way towards the front of the club and out the doors. By this time I'm sprinting because I can't do this here. Not in public, where everyone can see. This is not me. "Fuck!" I yell as the tears start to fall rapidly from my eyes and down to my tank. I make it to my car and shut myself in letting the storm take over me.

This hasn't happened in so long and I thought I was okay. The connection was there. Why me? That's why I never fuck blondes. She's fucked me for the rest of my life. I can't even enjoy one of the hottest women I've ever seen because she's still invading my mind.

After about half an hour of trying to calm myself I start the car and call one of the guys to let them know I was safe and heading home. This is gonna be a long night. I need junk food.

…I have a disease and it's called Spenceritis. Anytime I touched a hot blonde that wasn't her I'd always go back to a time when we were together. Then I'd always come back to the reality of some random slut sucking on some part of my body with a mouth that wasn't Spencer's and I'd push them away roughly only offering an 'I'm sorry' as reason and running away in a sweat.

I'd curse myself all the way to my car or wherever I could run to find solace and then breakdown. I was a sobbing mess so I mostly tried to hold it in til I was away from watching eyes. Once I only had enough strength to make it to a park bench and an old couple passing stopped to see if I was okay. I nodded yes but of course my makeup was everywhere and my clothes were a little messy from recent activities and they thought I'd been sexually harassed or something. They even almost called the police. Once I'd calmed enough I'd told them it was just a bad breakup. It wasn't necessary to inform them that it happened a year ago and counting, but still.

I'm fucked forever and left to suffer with Spenceritis.

I glance at the clock. Big red numbers staring at me making me even more restless knowing that the sun is about to break through the darkness of clouds.

I'm dozing now but still not sleeping. I guess it isn't always a bad thing to think about nothing. The past can't haunt you when there's nothing running through your head.