Chapter 21

Olivia's eyes wandered in circles, meeting individually with Fin, Brian, and lastly, Ed Tucker. His presence was never pleasant, so she dreaded the words that were going to come out of his putrid mouth. Her heart pounded viciously inside her chest. It was almost as if her heart wanted out of her body.

"What are you doing here?" Olivia finally found the courage to mouth. Her nerves lingered, and her mouth was dry like a desert.

"Well, Olivia Benson, you had to expect me, given the circumstances." And, that she had. Olivia's eyes widened, as she dreaded the words that were soon to come out of Tucker's mouth. She'd never been fond of him, none of the squad had been. Whenever Ed Tucker arrived, they knew they were in deep shit. He'd also been the one to arrest her a couple years back. She hoped that he wasn't here to arrest her again. Seriously, he couldn't. He would have to have evidence that pointed her responsible for Elliot's death, and she knew for a fact that there was no evidence that would suggest so. Any legit evidence, that is.

"Come on, Tucker, cut to the chase. Please, just tell us you're here to tell Liv she's been cleared of any suspicious activity, 'cause we all know she had nothing to do with Elliot's death. They were best friends for twelve years," Fin broke in with hostility in his tone.

Ed turned abruptly to Fin, raising a brow. "Actually, Detective Tutoula, I'm a little perplexed and concerned as to why you're even here. Captain Harris is looking for you and Amaro, and I'm certain he won't be pleased to hear that you're communicating with the suspect." Tucker peered at Olivia.

Olivia's mouth dropped to the floor as felt faint. She met eyes with Brian, who stepped toward her and gripped her hand. "Calm down, Liv," he whispered in her ear. "He's got nothing. He's just trying to scare you."

"Suspect? You've got to be kidding me. And I thought Cragen was returning today, what's Harris doing back?" Fin showed signs of anguish and hostility toward Tucker. He clenched his fists, and Olivia knew this wasn't a good sign. Fin didn't have the outright physical violence issues that Elliot used to express when he was angry, but his words were just as vicious. Fin was one person Olivia never wanted to cross. In a sense, she feared Fin when he was angry more than she feared Elliot. Despite Elliot's habit of getting physical when he was angry, she'd never feared him. Though, she'd known he'd never harm her; not that she thought Fin would. Besides, she knew that Fin was on her side and would always have her back.

"In light of recent events, Captain Cragen's return has been postponed, and we feel it is in the best interest of the Special Victims Unit to have a captain who is little less connected to the SVU detective being investigated at this time. Detective Tutuola, I'm ordering you back to your station. I believe there's a new case on your desk."

"What do you mean a new case? We're in the process of investigating Elizabeth Stabler's death!"

"Internal Affairs will be handling both Stabler investigations from this point forward. Now, if you're not out of here in five seconds, I'll have you suspended, too, Detective."

Fin tightened the grip on his fists and turned to Olivia. "This is all gonna brush over, Liv. Stay strong." Olivia didn't know what to say. She nodded, hoping that Fin was right. She held tightly onto Brian's hand as Fin exited through the door. A tear rolled down her cheek.

She turned to Ed Tucker. "What do you have on me?" she hoarsely mouthed.

"Given how 1PP handled your questioning yesterday, nothing other than the fact that Elliot was shot with your gun and Elizabeth Stabler was found with your card. IAB is currently investigating the officers who spoke with you yesterday, given the fact no gunshot residue test was taken," Ed Tucker answered, observing her clothes. "Are you wearing the same clothes you were wearing yesterday?" He pointed to the blood stain on her shirt. Given the heinousness of the previous day, she'd completely forgotten about it. The man at 1PP had pointed it out, and she hadn't noticed it before then. How had no one else noticed? How had Brian or Fin not said anything? The stain had darkened, as it had been on her sleeve for over 12 hours now. The stain was about the size of a marble and had been acquired when she'd lain over Elliot's body. Truthfully, it wasn't too noticeable, so she wasn't surprised that Brian and Fin had not noticed it.

She felt Brian's hand gently touch her sleeve, as he appeared to be observing the stain for himself.

Elizabeth was found with your card, the words repeated in Olivia's head. They couldn't possibly be investigating her for Elizabeth's death, too, could they? Was that why Internal Affairs had taken over Elizabeth's investigation? They couldn't possibly think she was connected to Elizabeth's death, too. The only connection was the fact that Elizabeth had her card, and Olivia had yet to find an explanation for why.

"Yes, these are the same clothes. I told 1PP that I would do a gunshot residue test, but they never mentioned it. Don't blame me for their failure to follow procedure," Olivia replied hastily. "You know, any M.E. will be able to tell you that Elliot shot himself."

"We're currently waiting for the Medical Examiner's report. Now, Olivia, I'm going to need your clothes. As you know, it is procedure, and I want to make sure we make no mistakes in this investigation. Trust me, I don't want to put one of New York's best detectives in jail for murder, but I can't take any chances, especially if she did in fact commit the murder."

"You've got to be fucking kidding me," Olivia said. She knew giving Tucker her clothes would clear her name. She pushed herself away from Brian and went in the bedroom. She ripped her clothes off and dressed herself in a pair of sweats and a T-shirt from her dresser. She wrapped the clothes in a ball and carried them back to Tucker. "There you go," she mouthed.

"Now that I have what I need, we'll be in touch," Ed Tucker said. He walked toward the door and added, "Don't leave the city."

"Trust me, I didn't plan on it," Olivia sneered.

"Oh, and if you hear from Amaro, tell him he's on thin ice." Tucker raised a brow and left.

She looked at Brian when Ed had finally disappeared. Olivia was dumbfounded, wondering what Nick had done. Fin sounded worried about him earlier, with his indication that he'd gone AWOL, and his absence wasn't helping Olivia's case. Moreover, she found it strange that Ed hadn't even asked her if she'd heard from Nick.

Brian shook his head. "Liv, it's going to be okay. If what you're saying is true, then once he processes those clothes, you'll be cleared."

"If what I'm saying is true?" Olivia demanded. "IF, what the fuck, Brian? Are you implying that you don't believe that I'm telling the truth? You actually think that I could possibly have some involvement in Elliot Stabler's death?"

"No, no, no, that's not what I meant, Liv." Brian's face went white, realizing the mistake he'd just made. "I'm sorry, baby. I didn't mean it like that…" He reached for Olivia's arm, but she pulled away.

"Don't 'baby' me," Olivia snarled.

"Olivia, I'm sorry. I mean it. I should have been more careful with how I worded that…"

"Forget it," she hissed, plopping on the couch. "Brian, maybe we've been seeing too much of each other lately…I think I need some space, after all that's happened. I just need some time to think and recuperate from all this. Maybe you should go to your mother's. I'm sure she misses you."

Brian frowned, sitting carefully next to Olivia and trying to put his arm around her, but she pushed him away. "Liv, I don't know if you should be alone now…"

"I'm a big girl," Olivia said. "I've been through plenty of traumatic events during my life, I think I can handle this on my own. Just leave, Brian."

"Liv…"

"Don't 'Liv' me, just go."

Brian pulled himself off the couch. Before he left, he turned to her and said, "Call me when you're ready, Liv. I'm always here for you." His eyes glossed with the tears he was holding in, and he vanished through the doorway.

As soon as he'd left, Olivia grabbed one of the couch pillows and wrapped her arms around it. She buried her face in the pillow and her tears began to bleed into the pillow. She tried to dry her eyes with the pillow, but the tears continued to flow.

She stared out the window, lost and hopeless. What had she done? She'd pushed the only person who'd ever shown her love and compassion away. And it was the second time she'd done it. He would be a fool to come back to her. Why should he? He said he'd always be there for her, but she didn't deserve that from him. She deserved to be alone.

The fumes of her body odor rose through her nostrils. She knew the odor was the result of not showing in two days. The stench grossed her out. How had Brian stood to get so close to her before he left? It was time for a long-overdue shower.

She found herself in the bathroom, where she saw Brian's cologne on her counter. Before undressing, she reached for the cologne and sprayed just a tiny bit of it in the room. The scent brushed against her nose, and her heart burned. What was she thinking? She wanted him back with her already, but after that outburst, she was too ashamed to call him just yet. She knew that he had good intentions, and already she understood that she'd overreacted. He must believe her, otherwise he wouldn't be standing by her side.

Olivia undressed herself and found herself under the faucet. She turned the knob and water began to spray on her. The lukewarm water hit her skin. She let the water flow on her face, and for the first time that day her mind was at peace. Her body tingled and she let her muscles relax. She never wanted this moment to pass. Secretly, she wished to remain in the warm shower forever.

Eventually, all good things had to come to an end, and then reality would sink in. She wrapped herself in a towel and dried her hair. Then, she sprayed Brian's cologne one more time. The scent was erotic, and reminded her of all the times she and Brian had shared together. More specifically, it reminded her of all the times they'd been together in bed. All those times that had not led to her getting pregnant, their motive of spending so much time together in bed. What had she been thinking? Everyone she'd told about the engagement had been baffled, and they had every right to be shocked. She wasn't the type to jump into a relationship, more so with a man she'd turned down in the past. Was she really that desperate? Or, did she really and truly love Brian? Wasn't that the reason two people got married, because they loved each other?

She thought that she had been in love with Brian, but what if she had been wrong? What if she was just lying to herself, so she could finally have a shot at the life she always dreamt about?

What was love, anyway?

Love was the willingness to do anything and everything for that special person. Love was the strong desire to be with someone when they were not present. Love was not only missing, but feeling like your life was incomplete when that person wasn't there. Love was…that feeling she'd felt for twelve consecutive years, only to burst when Elliot Stabler had left without a goodbye. Love had proved to be nothing but pain for Olivia Benson.

She had heard so many talk about how great love was, but Olivia had never believed them.

If love was painful, then what was the word to describe her feelings for Brian Cassidy?

The last two weeks had given her a sensation she'd never felt in her life. Brian made her feel safe, secure, and warm. A tingling sensation filled her body when he kissed her. The last two weeks had been nothing but bliss. If love was pain, then what did she feel for Brian?

Olivia suddenly realized that maybe she'd had it all wrong for all those years.

Once she was fully dressed, she realized she needed to make a visit.

Author's Note – Who is Olivia going to visit? Sorry this took so long. If you're following me on Twitter, you've probably seen (along with some craziness) that I've been incredibly busy between school, work, and tutoring. If you're not following me on Twitter, you should! –paisleywrites