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How I Spent My Summer

Letter Nine

Hey Spence,

So I went out with that guy I mentioned in my last letter. It was a crazy night! He seemed to know all the places that would not check id so we ended up getting totally shit faced. I have to say a night out in Paris is somewhat crazier than a night out in L.A. People have absolutely no fucking inhibitions here!

First we hit this lounge bar with a name I can neither pronounce or spell for some pre-drinks…well pre-drinks became shots which led to everyone around me dropping random pills. I said no, I haven't done drugs since you and I got together and I kinda don't want to start now. The last time I took something was that night with Paige, the one where you came to take care of me. I haven't touched drugs since, as cheesy as it sounds you were all the high I needed.

After the lounge bar we kicked on to this huge underground club. The guy I was with, Jean-Marc, introduced me to his boyfriend who was DJing and then we drank some more and danced like crazy people. Jean-Marc was fun, he helped make me forget for a little while.

After the club we headed to this small, intimate bar and there I lost Jean-Marc to his boyfriend, Rene's, lips. They are super cute together, you can tell they are so in love. It made my chest ache to tell you the truth. It made me want what they have, it made me want you.

After that I became the sullen, introspective drunk who starts contemplating the meaning, or lack there of, of their life. I sat, nursing my drink, and just thought about everything. It took Jean-Marc a good half hour or so to notice and then in his really shitty English he demanded that I let him and Rene take me back to the hotel.

I was in no position or state of mind to argue. I let them practically drag me to the hotel and slump in Jean-Marc's arms as Rene opened the door to my hotel room. They each gave me their numbers and kissed me goodbye before heading off so I could get some sleep.

Thing is I could not for the life of me actually fall asleep. I lay there for hours just thinking and wishing I was different, stronger, braver.

I fuck things up far more often then I get them right. I honestly think the only thing I have ever done right in my life was letting you in. it's a shame I went and fucked that up too. Yep here's me feeling sorry for myself again.

Once the sun rose I was able to fall asleep and of course I dreamed about you again. This one was sweet. We were in Chelsea's studio and we were dancing. You were holding me so close as we swayed to a gentle melody. It was beautiful.

I could feel your arms around me, your body pressed into mine, your hands in my hair. I was so fucking real Spence, I just wanted to stay in that moment forever.

I woke up with a feel of peace and contentment that quickly disappeared as reality set in. Damn reality.

I stumbled out of bed in search of pain killers and water and in my search found a note from my mother telling me not to expect to see her at all that day. Apparently she met some guy and he was going to take her out and show her the sights of Paris.

I crumbled the note in my hand and chucked it against the wall as hard as I could. That woman sucks as a human being, like mother like daughter huh?

I can remember a time when she wasn't like this. Before I came out to her things were different. I mean she was always a little distant, but it was so much worse once I came out to her. It was like with that one confession from me I was no longer her daughter. I was just this disgusting thing living in her house that she was stuck with until I turned 18 and she could kick me out without looking like a bitch to all her fake friends.

Maybe that's part of the reason I was so funny about you coming out to your parents, especially your Mom who we had a pretty good idea was not going to take it well. I mean I wanted the entire world to know you were mine, but I never wanted you to know the pain I feel every time my mother looks at me with disgust or when she acts like I don't even exist.

I didn't want you to have to go through what I went through. Sometimes it hurts so much, sometimes I just want to curl up in a ball and sob into my pillow. I just wish that she could love me and be a real mother. At least when my Dad was alive I knew that he was out there somewhere loving me. He may not have been around much, but I knew that he loved me as much as he could. Now I know that the only person I really have, the only person who really loves me, is you.

Not Aiden, you.

After reading that note from my Mom I climbed back into bed and cried. I cried for hours, literally hours. I wish my Mom would just love me…I don't think that is asking too much, but according to Christine Davies it is.

I'm sorry Spence, sorry for everything I have done and sorry that this letter is so mopey. Fuck I am just so sorry.

I love you,

Ashley

xoxo