Chapter 20

2 months later…

"Train hard, and remember, you are each worthy of your Nightblood," Waldron dismissed the novitiates. Most of them scattered rather quickly. Lexa was the last one left in the room, meticulously putting her things in her bag. She liked order. She always did. Waldron eyed her suspiciously.

He was seated on his throne and Lexa was crouching on the floor right in front of him.

He rose from the throne and descended down the stairs to where she was.

"Leksa."

She looked up at him. "Yes, Heda?"

"You seemed a bit distracted today," he observed.

"I'm sorry, Heda. It will not happen again," Lexa promised and he could see that she was internally scolding herself.

This tendency was his most promising novitiate's greatest drawback. She was serious to a fault. She would never let her guard down. But a good leader needed to know when to let others in.

From the complaints he heard from his Fleimkepa, Waldron thought Lexa at least had an outlet outside of class. He sometimes wished she could let some of her after hours persona seep into what she presented during her day in class.

"I am not upset with you, Leksa," he clarified.

"You are not?" she asked in surprise.

It's not that he didn't want her to take his teachings seriously, he just wanted her to feel what it meant to be a leader, not just to go through the motions and follow the teachings by-the-book. Leading was about instincts. Lexa had those, but she was afraid to trust her gut feeling.

She had a brilliant mind. He needed her to leave some room for improvisation.

"You are too hard on yourself, Leksa. Give yourself a break sometimes," he said kindly. She gaped at him. This whole punishing thing didn't go like she expected, at all.

"If I'm Commander I won't be able to give myself a break," she pointed out, trying not to sound harsh while addressing the Commander, and failing miserably. He hid a smirk beneath his beard.

He knew for a fact there was someone whom she did let in. He needed Lexa to embrace it, to let it help her live up to her full potential.

"You are right. You can't take a break from a title. But you can make sure you have people to confide in. People whose presence alone would feel like taking a break," he tried to explain.

She looked at him guiltily.

And there it is, he thought. The reason why she's been distracted is one and the same with the thing that might help her the most.

He looked at her but she said nothing. She nodded respectfully as if to say that she heard him. But she didn't, not really.

This won't do, he rolled his eyes.

"Leksa," he started, trying to pick his words carefully. He knew for years she was his pick to be his successor. He wanted nothing more than prepare her for the future the best way he could. But certain lessons weren't in books, and certain strengths he couldn't unlock for her. He could just point her in the right direction. "Time works differently when you are Heda," he admitted. "When you're a novitiate, you feel like you are on borrowed time. No one ever says it, but it's true."

She nodded sadly.

"When you become the title, you don't have the privilege of having the same priorities. You never live fully anymore," he cleared his throat. "So you either die as a novitiate without ever living fully, or get a title that guarantees you'll never live fully again. So, live fully while you can, Leksa," he patted her shoulder in a kind of gentleness he never presented before.

She looked at him in shock. She could see this conversation going many ways, but his last sentence completely threw her off. Was she getting a relationship advice from the Commander?

He can't possibly be talking about Costia, she thought.

"I'm talking about Kostia," he clarified, a surprising glint in his eye.

This day is getting weirder and weirder, what if I'm actually asleep?

"Are you okay?" he asked his young novitiate. He was wondering if he broke her brain.

"Yes, Heda, I am. I'm just… surprised," she admitted. "That you even know who she is, first of all."

"Best bread I ever had," he stated in a very serious tone, making Lexa smile widely. It did make sense. Costia was always around. Someone as observant as the Commander was bound to notice.

"It's just… Titus always says…"

"If you are Heda, one day Titus would be your subject," he cut her off. "Perhaps there's a reason you have the sacred blood and he doesn't."

He didn't say it in a way that was meant to be degrading to Titus. Just in a way that meant that at the end of the day Titus could advise, and experience may be on his side, but he wasn't the one making the final decisions. That was the real meaning of "to be Heda is to be alone." But her Commander was telling her that maybe she didn't have to be entirely alone. Maybe, even if she becomes the Commander, there was room for her to be Lexa too.

She couldn't believe he basically ordered her to get a grip and do something about her feelings. She stalled for so long when it came to Costia and now the Commander of the eight clans had to take some time off his busy schedule to tell her to go and get a girlfriend.

She groaned and Waldron understood exactly why and gave her a very rare, hearty laugh, which just made her even more flustered.

Thank god the only other person in the room was the Fosgona, Gustus.

"Cowardice is not for Nabtblidas, Leksa kom trikru," he chuckled and walked out of the room, leaving her behind to brood.

Lexa walked into their room, knowing right away that Costia was in the washroom.

Lexa groaned.

Yeah, that's exactly what I need right now, thinking about Costia in that tub.

She was going to do as she was told. Not only did she basically get ordered to finally take a serious step, she was beginning to suspect that she would cause an irreversible damage to her dignity if she waited any longer.

I am a Natblida, I should be able to kiss a girl!

She flopped on the bed, face down. Her face hit the soft pillows just as she heard a ripping sound.

Uh oh, she thought, knowing right away that her yet-to-be-fixed buckle caused some damage.

Why didn't I just fix the stupid thing? She pushed herself up on her arms, noticing that she ripped a hole in the sheets, probably all the way to the mattress, too. Cos is going to kill me.

Costia has been mocking her about the buckle for months. She knew something was bound to happen if Lexa kept walking around with this thing. And now something did happen and while it was better that the victim wasn't another person, those were Costia's favorite sheets.

The washroom door opened and Lexa jumped off the bed. Except that the moment she saw Costia in her nightwear, sleeveless, low neckline and still with wet her, the sheets were completely forgotten. What wasn't forgotten was the mission her Commander gave her.

"Hey," Costia smiled warmly.

Lexa's mouth went dry. It did so every damn night.

"Hi," she croaked in reply.

"How was your day?" Costia inquired softly.

"Right," Lexa blurted nervously. She didn't even hear the question.

No matter what, you do not back down, Lexa.

"Are you okay?" Costia prompted in concern.

"Yeah, why?" Lexa tried to sound nonchalant but this time she replied too fast.

"Because I asked you how your day was and you said "right?"" Costia smirked. Something was on her friend's mind and she was going to find out what it was.

Lexa took a deep breath. "Cos, I wanted to talk to you about something."

"Okay?" Maybe she didn't have to put a lot of effort into figuring it out after all.

"Well, no, actually talking is what we always do. I don't want to talk," Lexa retracted with a huff.

"Okay?" Costia replied helplessly. She may have had a clue, or at least hope where this was headed, but her friend was still being confusing.

Lexa sighed. This was hard. If she was wrong then she was about to ruin seven years worth of friendship.

You are not wrong, a voice in her head commanded. She shut her eyes for a moment, swallowed hard and then opened them again, looking right into her friend's eyes. Don't be afraid.

"I think you had the right idea the first time you said you were my second half all those years ago," she finally managed to say. "I'm just not sure we realized what it meant, then."

"Okay?" Costia repeated, sounding more hopeful this time.

"Cos would you stop saying okay?" Lexa scowled.

Costia didn't reply.

"You were about to say okay, weren't you?"

"Yes," Costia bit her lip to hide a small smile.

Lexa rolled her eyes, then, she noticed something she didn't notice before because of all the adrenaline. There was still some flour on Costia's cheek. "You missed a spot," she said tenderly.

She brought her hand up and gently cupped Costia's cheek, using her thumb to wipe the flour. She felt her friend shudder under her touch and it encouraged her to go on. She then kissed Costia on that exact spot and moved to kiss her nose. She leaned back, wanting to make sure this was what Costia wanted, too. She was just in time to see Costia swallowing hard. Costia's eyes were shut but then she opened them and brought her own hand up as well, to grab Lexa's wrist of the hand that was cupping her cheek. Lexa saw so much hunger in Costia's eyes, a silent plea.

"Alex…"Costia said in a voice that was hardly audible. That was it, though. Lexa became completely undone.

She finally leaned in to capture Costia's lips with hers and the moment she did everything around her vanished. She felt a shiver and she wasn't sure if it was her, or Costia, or both of them. But she didn't care. She was kissing Costia, Costia was kissing her back, her body felt like it was on fire and it gave her the courage to try and push forward, explore further. She never remembered wanting anything more in her life and based on the soft moan she heard escaping Costia's mouth, she knew the feeling was mutual. She felt like she was losing her damn mind. She was just about to use her tongue for the first time, her ears were thumping, almost like she was lost underwater.

Maybe that's why she didn't hear Costia's whimper of pain. But she felt it the moment she tried to pull Costia closer to her. She knew right away that her buckle penetrated Costia's skin. She broke their kiss, terrified of what just happened, and frantically searched for the wound for some damage control. And indeed, there it was, punctured skin right below Costia's collarbone, and blood was spilling.

The heartbreaking understanding hit Lexa – she somehow never seen Costia's bleed before in her life, not even once. And she realized that now, because the blood that was spilling out of Costia's wound was black.

Costia looked up at her in panic.

"What…?" Lexa couldn't breathe. She thought she might start hyperventilating. She walked backwards until her body hit the bed and she fell to a sitting position.

"Alex…" Costia walked towards her and Lexa had never seen her more tortured.

A lifetime of keeping this secret, Costia thought, all the hard work just to be discovered because you wanted to kiss a pretty girl.

Not just any girl, Costia knew. The girl. The girl who was the reason why Costia kept this a secret for so long.

And now you're going to have to fight this girl to the death.

"You… you…" No matter how hard Lexa tried to form words, she couldn't. She was mad, she was hurt, and she was devastated even if she didn't realize that just yet.

"I'm sorry," Costia apologized as tears started to form in her eyes. "Look at me, please," she cupped Lexa's cheek, hoping beyond hope that Lexa will follow her plea. Lexa did, but what Costia found in her eyes was even worse. Lexa looked as if she'd been betrayed and that broke Costia's heart more than anything.

"We need to tell Titus," Lexa stated coldly.

"No!" Costia objected. "You can't," she demanded.

"Yes, I can, Costia!" Lexa yelled. Logically, she started to connect the dots. She knew that she didn't have all the details but she could imagine why Costia didn't tell her, purposefully hid it from her. But she couldn't process something so deep and complicated at that moment. She could just deal with the black and white aspects. The rules were simple, a Natblida was found, the Fleimkepa had to be informed.

So what if that Natblida was the girl that she was absolutely in love with? So what if it meant…

"I can, and I will!" Lexa repeated in a bark. "That is my duty! That is our way!" she tried to convince herself.

Costia released a bitter laugh.

"It's always about your way! Things have to be in your holy freaking way! Your parents had to die because that is your way, you had to leave your home when you were nine years old because that is your way!" Costia broke down. She had to compose herself before she kept talking. Lexa was looking at her coldly. "Did you ever think the truth is somewhere in the middle? That there isn't just one way? This is idiotic, Alex!" She literally shook her friend. "Look at me!" She demanded again. "Worst case scenario we both die, best case scenario one of us lives on after she killed the other and even then the Commander's life expectancy isn't exactly long," she revealed her greatest fear, the reason behind it all. She never thought they'll have forever, but she at least hoped for something. Maybe a life by Lexa's side as Lexa led the clans, for however long that may be. And now, she knew, they'll have nothing. She took a deep breath and continued quietly. "But it'll come down to us. On conclave day? We're the best warriors and you know it." If Lexa told Titus, sometime in the future one of them will kill the other.

"This isn't about who is the best warrior, Costia!" Lexa spat, "it's about who the spirit of the commander chooses!"

"Alexandra you are smarter than that!" Costia was desperate. She knew how Lexa felt about her, she knew how much Lexa accepted her, but she couldn't make Lexa stop believing what she believed in. Not even she could do that. But she still tried. "Think!" she begged. "This is insane!"

"You don't understand it because you grew up on the mountain!" Lexa blurted without realizing what she said. When she did, it was too late, she looked at her friend full of remorse. She'd never seen Costia so broken before. Then, right in front of her eyes, Costia's sadness turned into rage.

"I grew up with you!" Costia yelled in anger, complete anguish evident on her face now. Lexa knew that look. Lexa was the one who always made Costia feel her origins were something to be proud of, not ashamed of. Did she just undo years of work?

"I'm sorry, Cos," she pleaded, everything that happened just starting to catch up with her. She finally realized the magnitude of the discovery and it hit her right in the gut. "I didn't mean it. I wasn't thinking, but I never thought you'd say something like that. You just insulted my entire culture and I got upset," Lexa tried to explain erratically. Nothing she'd say could fix this, she knew.

"Yeah, well, so did you," Costia stated flatly and left Lexa standing alone in the room, completely guilt-ridden and heartbroken.

Notes:

1. The very first sentence of this chapter, another one of those "we seen Lexa teach this to her novitiates (episode 3X04) so it's nice to be there when she's being taught that. I'd like to think it's something all Commanders say to their youngsters.

2. And thinking about the young novitiates naturally led me to think quite a lot about Aden and his relationship with Lexa in canon. After all, it's meant to be the same Aden we met here. I went back and watched all of his interactions with Lexa. If you do that now and kind of accept this story as your headcanon like I did, their exchanges seem different knowing that Aden was Costia's brother and knowing that Lexa lost her. One that really got to me is when Lexa and Aden fight on 3X04 and he manages to throw her off. She gives him this look. I used to only see surprise there, but when I watch it now, it almost seems like Lexa recognizes something in him, and that something is Costia, and that's a moment Lexa has to recover from quickly. He notices, too. And all of the details in this story also serve to explain her special affection toward him that we see later, even if it got restrained with time. I recommend you go and watch it with that in mind if you want a little punch in the gut. Spoiler – those of you who already read the story know that Costia's weapon is a Bo. I actually selected it for her as a bit of a "pacifist weapon" without realizing that in this scene both Lexa and Aden use Bos. It made it even more emotional because in my head Lexa is using Costia's Bo. But more on that later!

3. Fosgona – "First Warrior" in Trigedasleng. Just a reminder that this is a word the owner of the Trigedasleng website helped to come up with especially for this story. It refers to the head of the Commander's guard. Think Jaime Lannister. When we meet Gustus in canon that's basically what he does. And again, this word actually plays quite the big role in this story.

4. Ah, yes, that damn buckle. Well, like I said, a buckle you see in act 1 and all that jazz. Costia did warn Lexa months ago (chapter 18) that she'll end up poking someone's eye out, probably Costia's. Tsk tsk. Spoiler – and if you read this story before you know that more damage is coming right up and it's way more tragic.

5. Lots to say about the chapter. Some of you may have figured this out early on, if so – good job! I wasn't exactly quiet about it on social media while I was writing the story. I kept saying even before Luna showed up, how much I wish Costia was number 8 in Lexa's conclave. If this did come as a surprise though, feel free to read from the beginning. The hints are constantly there :D

So this is where we finally (sort of) split from canon. For a while, after Luna showed up, I considered adding Costia as a tenth novitiate so I could keep Luna, too. It would've been so easy to explain why no one ever talked about Costia (spoilery hint: she dead.) But with no one talking about Luna already (in canon) I felt that having another novitiate that no one ever mentions would be too soapy. So I exchanged Luna for Costia to create what I like to refer to as "alternate canon." For those of you who'd like a version with both Costia and Luna though, a version in which Costia was a tenth novitiate, there's a bit of a one shot which was originally a bonus chapter but that is included in this story in volume 2. I had to find the right time and place for it and I feel like I did. But if you're curious, I think that if I did commit to 10 novitiates plot from the get go, we'd probably have Luna instated of Myr (personality wise. Myr is also from the boat people clan.)

As to why even go there – well, Costia fascinated me since the first time she was mentioned. As a writer, when you name something it means it's important. They never referred to her on the show as Lexa's dead lover. They made to choice of naming her. And then when Lexa didn't want to talk about the missing novitiate from her conclave, many suspected it was either Costia, or Luna. I just happened to write it as Costia before we found out it was Luna because I was always on team Nightblood Costia. And maybe it was because of Alycia's delivery of that missing novitiate line, but she showed so much pain in that moment that Costia as the last novitiate resonated with me more than Luna. Lexa didn't want to talk about it not because of the conclave, but because she lost Costia later on.

And I always said, seeing who's the kind of person Lexa falls on love with (Clarke,) Costia had to be special, too. It was clear to me that since Lexa became the Commander at such a young age, they've had to have known each other from before. And then, being the significant other of the Commander, well, it takes someone truly special to accept that they'll never come first no matter how much their lover wishes he could put them first.

So that was the special girl I tried to create with this story, explore Lexa's past and her wounds, and I promise it will all connect and eventually lead us to volume 2 of the story.

I know I took what was one of the best moments of their lives and turned it into one of their only fights, the fight, possibly, and gave them both the feeling of hopelessness, but there was always something tragic about these two.

Most of the remaining story would be very, very loyal to canon.