AN: Music for this chapter (on repeat): Safe and Sound by Sheryl Crow, I Shall Believe by Sheryl Crow, Dream by The Cranberries, Inner Smile by Texas, Timeless by Kate Havnevik, Ice by Sarah McLachlan.
TWENTY-ONE
o
*Safe And Sound*
In the early hours of the morning, Sydney had fallen asleep sitting in a chair next to Irina, while Lena slept against her chest. She had yet to change out of the clothes she'd worn to the Execution and into the ones Vaughn had brought back for her. She was awakened by Lena's soft stirring and found a nurse hanging a new IV bag for Irina and checking her vitals.
"Good morning." The nurse smiled softly. Seeing Sydney's gaze go immediately to her mother's monitors she added, "Don't worry. She's holding her own and improving every hour."
Sydney smiled and glanced around the room, noticing both her father and Katya were absent. She found her father standing just outside the glass speaking with Kendall who'd just returned to the hospital after going home last night and checking in with the office this morning.
"How much longer do you think it will be, before she wakes up?" Sydney picked up her mother's limp hand, rubbing the back with her thumb.
"Can't say. She's been through a terrible ordeal and sleep is the body's natural way of giving the body time to heal." The nurse smiled sadly seeing the fallen look on Sydney's face. "I have an idea." She leaned over Irina and gently untied the hospital gown from behind her neck, pulling the gown down just enough to expose part of Irina's chest.
Sydney was watching her with mild fascination.
"May I?" The nurse motioned for Sydney to hand her the baby. Still unsure what the woman was going to do, Sydney gently passed her Lena.
Katya had returned with coffee and stood just as awestruck by what the nurse was doing as Sydney.
The nurse laid Lena gently on the bed and proceeded to remove her clothing, "In the NIC-U, Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, they do what's called, 'kangarooing.' It's where the mother or father spends hours with their premature babies, chest to chest, heartbeat to heartbeat."
Leaving the baby just in a diaper she turned Lena onto her stomach and laid her directly on Irina's chest .
"This kind of connection has been scientifically proven to improve the baby's health and lead to a speedier recovery." She explained while covering Lena and Irina with Lena's soft baby blanket. "If it works for the babies, it should work the other way around as well and help your mother to a speedier recovery." She smiled at Sydney and Katya when she'd finished, "You watch…your mother's breathing will soon become in-sync with your sister's." She winked and moved to leave the room.
"Thank you." Sydney smiled, marveled by this technique.
Minutes after the nurse had left, Irina's heartbeat had picked up and she was beginning to breathe on her own in-sync with Lena.
Jack and Kendall had come in, wondering what was going on and Sydney filled them in on the kangarooing technique that seemed to be working. All stood fascinated, watching the change in Irina, as the baby slept on her chest.
"This is amazing." Katya watched as her sister and niece began their rhythmic breathing.
The doctor had told them that if Irina kept breathing on her own for another two hours, they would remove the ventilator tube.
An hour later, Marshall stood knocking on the window, big smile on his face. They motioned for him to come in. "It broke…the story," He smiled nervously, wringing his hands. "Oh, doesn't that just break your heart." He looked at Irina with the baby on her chest, bringing his fist to his chest with a smile.
"What story, Marshall?" Jack asked taking a sip of coffee.
"Her story." He looked from Irina to Sydney and Jack nervously and then to Katya. "Yours, too, ma'am. I don't know how it's out but it is. It's all over the Russian and European networks. It just broke here. They're talking about it on every major network. They know who she is, 'the Romanov,' daughter of Anastasia, how your grandmother survived, the whole story, Syd. It's out." He rambled on nervously.
"They know about her execution?" Sydney was immediately alarmed it would somehow affect her mother's pardon.
"No, no, no." He rambled on, "Not that. Right now they're concentrating on the fact that there is proof your grandmother survived the massacre and had two daughters. One, obviously being your mother and all that she's been doing in Russia anonymously for all these years. There's a big frenzy now that the rumor all these years has been proven true. Everybody wants to meet and interview the Romanovs. Especially your mother as she is the Tsarina by birth, now that your grandmother's gone." He swallowed hard seeing Jack's steely gaze and the tightening of his grip on the cup.
"Do they know Irina's here?" Jack was immediately concerned for her safety if the paparazzi was looking for her. She was in no shape to fend them off.
"They don't know she's here, they don't know where she is. That's part of the mystery everyone is focusing on, which I can see why, it is all fascinating." He tried to assure Jack quickly, "But her picture 'is' on every network. See look." He admitted slowly taking a step back from Jack and pointing to a TV in the hall that was broadcasting the story, and as Marshall said, there was Irina's picture.
"Oh my God, I need to call Vladimir." Katya stood from her chair immediately concerned and left the room.
"I'll get security up here immediately," Kendall stepped into the hall pulling out his cell phone.
"How she doing?" Marshall asked, giving Sydney a sympathetic look.
"Better." She smiled genuinely and picked up Irina's hand again.
"I can't reach him." Katya flew back into the room, grabbing her purse, intending to leave.
"Um, I think I know why," Marshall stuttered pointing out the glass window to the hall. "Isn't that him? With the President and First Lady."
Walking down the hall towards them was indeed, Vladimir Putin, President Bush and the First Lady, surrounded by Secret Service. All other motion on the hospital floor had ceased watching them walk towards the room.
"Dear God," Jack watched as the Secret Service took positions around the floor and Vladimir nodded at Katya through the window. She was out the door in flash and had thrown her arms around him, hugging him tightly.
"Thank you, thank you, Vladimir." She spoke in Russian, smiling through happy tears at him.
"How is she?" He asked, holding her hand and wiping the tears with the other. Obvious to everyone they knew each other well.
"Holding stable and improving." She smiled hopefully towards Irina behind the glass. "President Bush…First Lady," Katya addressed them. "Thank you." She nodded her appreciation, afraid to say more and burst into tears.
"It was the right thing to do." The President clasped her hand in his.
"Can we see her?" Vladimir asked in English, not wanting to leave the others out of the conversation.
Katya shook her head yes and opened the door to Irina's room.
"Director Kendall," The President shook Kendall's hand on the way by, Kendall standing by the door in awe and shock. First, by the fact they were there and second, that the President remembered his name.
"Vladimir, I would like you to meet Jack Bristow. Irina's husband." Katya stepped closer to Irina's bed.
Jack stepped forward to shake his hand still in shock this was all happening. "President Putin. My wife speaks very highly of you."
"Call me Vladimir, please." Putin smiled and then glanced at Irina. "It is an honor to meet the man who captured our dear Irina's heart." He held Jack's hand a bit longer to express his supportiveness.
"Agent Bristow," President Bush stepped forward to greet Jack.
"Thank you." Were the first words out of Jack's mouth as he captured his hand. "Thank you." He repeated.
"It is not I you should 'Thank,' but your courageous daughter." He smiled at Sydney now standing by her mother's side. "Hello Sydney."
"Mr. President." Sydney already had tears in her eyes, "Thank you…for saving my mother…for doing the right thing."
"Thank 'you,' Sydney," He moved to her side taking her hand in his, "For reminding me what's important." His eyes got teary and he pulled her into a hug, "I'm sorry I didn't do it sooner. I'm so sorry."
Vladimir and Laura had moved to Irina's side opposite Sydney and the President. Vladimir leaned over Irina and kissed her forehead, then cheek, murmuring something softly to her in Russian while he lay his hand gently over Lena's back.
"This, Mr. President, is my mother, Irina." Sydney turned back towards her mother, smoothing Irina's hair with her hand.
The President and First Lady stepped up the bed, on opposite sides. He picked up Irina's hand and ran his thumb over her fingers momentarily. "I'm sorry." He leaned over and kissed Irina's forehead, tears in his eyes. He lay his hand gently on Lena's back and smiled while his wife ran her hand gently over the baby's soft hair, leaning over to place a kiss just in front of Lena's tiny ear.
"Hello Lena." Laura whispered into her ear before joining hands with her husband over the pair sleeping in the bed.
An orderly brought in more chairs for everyone and Jack and Katya began filling them in on Irina's prognosis and what was being done to treat her when the doctor came in, quite stunned at the group gathered, and removed Irina's ventilator tube as promised when she was breathing on her own for two hours. Sydney only removed Lena from her position on Irina's chest to feed and change her, as the connection with the baby was obviously working in Irina's favor. The current newsbreak, they'd found out was actually Vladimir's idea, on agreement with the President, in order to give Irina her pardon on terms of Diplomatic Immunity. Vladimir had confirmed Sydney's story that Irina was the real force behind the government and Tsar by birth, if the Russian monarchy were still in practice. President Bush also informed them that Senator Douglas had been arrested that morning for conspiracy and withholding evidence from the President, something that made Jack very happy. The man who had condemned Irina to die was now facing similar charges.
*I Shall Believe *
About an hour after the tube was removed, Irina's fingers began to twitch. "I think she's waking up." Sydney smiled hopefully, sitting beside Irina.
Everyone's attention went to Irina as her fingers closed around Sydney's.
"Mom." Sydney urged her on by whispering in her ear. "Wake up."
Irina's eyes slowly began to flutter open and then closed again.
"I'll get a doctor." Kendall left the room in search of help.
"Irina." Jack leaned over her, nuzzling his face into the back of her neck and hair, whispering in her ear. "Come on, My Love, open your eyes."
The love, Sydney had spoken of between her parents was obvious to the President and First Lady watching the interaction with their own fascination. Laura curled into her husband's side as he wrapped his arm around her shoulder, pulling her close.
"That's it." Jack smiled when Irina's eyes finally did open with slow blinks. He was inches from her face. The emotion running through her eyes, obvious in confusion as she looked back at him.
"Jack." Her small voice came out, cracked and horse from the ventilator tube.
"Yes," He smiled, tears pooling in his eyes as he stroked her hair.
"How?" Her eyes started to fill with tears, still not understanding what was going on. "I'm dead…"
"No." He kissed her forehead, cheeks and finally her mouth in rapid succession. "You're very much alive." He pulled back and wiped the tears that had escaped her eyes.
"I'm not dreaming." She rasped out, searching his eyes for understanding.
"No." He took her hand and kissed it and then her lips again.
"Sydney…Lena?" She whispered, squeezing Jack's hand.
He leaned back taking her hand and placed it on the baby's back, still lying on her chest while Sydney's hand covered hers. "Right here, My Love, right here."
Irina slowly turned her head and was met with a tiny head of black hair and Sydney's infectious smile.
"Mom." Sydney cried, and leaned her head into Irina's neck, sobbing in relief.
Irina, moved her free hand slowly up to Sydney's head against her neck as her own tears fell.
It was when Sydney pulled back that Irina saw Katya right behind her and smiled as her little sister leaned over and kissed her forehead, wiping her tears.
"Oh, Irina." She smiled, brushing her sister's tears away. "Whatever are we going to do with you?" She teased her in Russian, smiling through her tears.
As Katya pulled back, Irina heard sniffling and it was then she could see there were others in the room.
The entire scene had caused both Presidents and the First Lady to cry. Laura was smiling through her own happy tears as she dotted her cheeks with a tissue.
"Vladimir?" Irina croaked out in her raspy voice, still unsure if she was seeing what she was seeing.
"Yes, Irina." He stepped forward taking her hand and kissing it, then bent over and repeated the whole kissing of the forehead and then her cheeks.
"I don't understand." She whispered watching as he stepped back.
"You've been pardoned, Irina. You've been granted absolution. You are free." He smiled proudly.
"Free?" She searched Jack's eyes for conformation. He nodded 'yes,' and she closed her eyes, tears falling from them this time in relief and joy.
Kendall appeared with the doctor On-Call and two nurses at his side.
"I'm going to have to ask you all to step out for a minute." The doctor announced. "Hello, Irina." He smiled as he and the nurses began working feverishly around her. "I'm Dr. Johnson."
Sydney kissed Irina and then slowly pulled Lena away from the warmth of Irina's chest, wrapping her in the blanket and following everyone into the hall.
Jack was the last to leave her side, "We'll be right back." He bent to kiss her but she held his hand, preventing him from leaving.
"Jack, don't leave me." She pleaded in a raspy voice, fresh tears in her eyes.
Seeing that she was still upset, scared and confused by all this, he took a seat on the bed next to her, holding her hand in his.
"Ok, I won't leave you." He kissed her hand as the doctor and nurses worked around them.
"May I?" Laura asked once they were all in the hall, the itch to hold the tiny baby unbearable.
"Of course," Sydney smiled and gently passed her sleeping sister to the First Lady.
"Oh, she's so beautiful," Laura cooed as George joined her side, "It's been so long since our girls were this small." Both marveling at Lena's tiny hands and feet.
"She looks just like your mother." The President smiled up at Sydney, who was smiling madly watching her parents in the other room.
"Theirs…is such an amazingly beautiful love story," Laura saw what held Sydney's attention and smiled with her. "Defying everyone and everything to be together."
"Yeah," Sydney agreed softly, smiling through her tears once again, "Even death."
"She's going to be ok, Sydney." Vladimir wrapped his arm around Sydney's shoulders. "I know your mother and she is a fighter. She has a strong spirit."
Jack, with the doctor, filled Irina in on what had happened during the Execution and what her condition was at the present. Her liver was holding stable and the dialysis was relieving the pressure on her kidneys. Irina's pancreas was still not producing any insulin and so for now, she would have to keep taking insulin. Irina was worried that she wouldn't be able to continue breast-feeding Lena after all this but the doctor said that once they had filtered all the toxins out of her system, she could continue with no harm to the baby. He was going to have a lactation consultant stop by later in the day to begin working with Irina on getting her back into a normal feeding schedule as soon as possible. The doctor had told them he would check in with them once more before his shift ended but that he was very hopeful with Irina's prognosis.
"You can go back in now," The doctor smiled at Sydney when he left the room.
"Thank you." She smiled in return and they all filtered back into the room.
"Irina," The President greeted her carrying Lena when they entered the room. "I'm afraid I owe you, a rather large apology." He came to sit in the chair next to her. Jack remained seated on the bed opposite him, holding Irina's hand. "I am so sorry to have put you, your family through this." He looked at Sydney and then the sweet baby in his arms.
"Thank you." Irina offered him a small grateful smile, reaching her hand over slowly to hold his.
"Your daughter Sydney has taught me a few things. First, that I need a better security system and we have excellent people working in the CIA." He smiled up at Sydney and everyone else laughed, except for Irina who had no idea what he was talking about. "Second, that I need better advisors," His tone grew more serious. "And third, that the love between a parent and child abides by no boundaries or laws made by man, only the heart." He placed the baby into her arms with a smile.
Irina felt a chill run down her spine at how similar his words were to her mother's twenty two years ago when Irina was doing any and everything to protect her child.
"Sydney?" Irina reached her hand out to Sydney, realizing her daughter was responsible for saving her life but not sure how.
Sydney shyly took her mother's hand but said nothing.
"She broke into our bedroom, with an Agent Vaughn," The President smiled and looked up at Sydney, seeing she wasn't going to give out any information. "And the baby, to convince me that I was missing some key pieces of information concerning your case."
"Sydney…" Irina squeezed her hand, startled to hear what her daughter had done, tears springing to her eyes at just how far Sydney had gone to save her.
"I couldn't lose you again." Sydney angrily wiped her tears away.
"Oh, Sweetheart." Irina pulled on Sydney's arm, pulling her into her and embracing her, sharing in her tears.
"Irina, there is something you should know." Vladimir, sat at the end of her bed, "Your secret is out. Everyone knows you are 'The Romanov.'"
"What?" She asked startled by yet another surreal event she'd learned of since she'd awaken. "How?"
"In order to give you a full pardon under our laws, no questions asked…it had to be under Diplomatic Immunity." President Bush explained.
"And you are the true ruler of Russia." Vladimir smiled softly. "It was time for the world to know who you are, Irina. We had to save your life."
Marshall came bounding in the door again, "Word's out, they suspect Ms. Derevko is here, knowing that the Russian and US Presidents are both here, well it's not too much of a stretch of the imagination."
"Now what?" Irina asked after a moment of silence.
"We have a lot to talk about." President Bush smiled, "But that can wait for now. Now, I just want you to concentrate on getting well, and spending some time with your family."
"Which is why we should be going." Laura smiled taking her husbands hand. "It is an honor to meet you, Irina. You are a truly remarkable woman, something I see you've passed onto your daughter." She turned to Sydney giving her arm a light squeeze.
"We'll be in touch." The President leaned over and kissed Irina's cheek. "Whatever you need…don't hesitate. I'll make sure you have plenty of security. No one will bother you." He shook Jack's hand and both nodded in acknowledgement.
"Irina," Vladimir came to sit on the bed beside her. "I'll take care of everything, don't worry." He smiled. "The people are already shouting for a 'monarchy' again."
"Oh Vladimir, that was never my intention." Irina sighed, the enormity behind it all weighing heavily on her mind.
"I know," He smiled, "But I will not be sad to give up the Presidency in favor of a monarchy with you on the throne my beautiful, Irina, if that is what our people want." He wiped a tear from her cheek, "Please, rest, spend time with your family and we'll be in touch."
"Thank you." She held his hand in hers.
"Thank you." Jack could see that this man was indeed 'smitten' with his wife, as Katya had said, feeling a twinge of jealousy at their closeness.
"Katya," He got up from the bed to say goodbye to Katya.
"I'll walk you out." Katya linked her arm in the crook of his elbow and escorted the Presidents and First Lady to their car.
"Well, well, well." Cuvee reached up touching the jagged scar on his neck, watching the news reports of Irina's face flashing across the screen. "The Royal Whore Returns." He smiled his slimy grin as he poured a glass of vodka. "Where are you, My Dear?"
"Hello Irina." The handsome doctor smiled at her as she awakened the next morning. "Do you remember me?" He asked tucking her chart under his arm, glancing at Jack and Sydney.
Irina's eyes immediately flew to his nametag, 'Dr. Peterson,' searching her memory. "Ryan Peterson? Class of '82, second column, third row, fifth seat in from the left, Ryan Peterson?" Irina smirked at him mercilessly, remembering exactly who he was.
"Yes!" The good doctor laughed out loud, "My God, that was twenty years ago and you still remember exactly where I sat!"
"I remember where all my students sat. You used to tease that poor girl, Ann Bartholomew?" She paused momentarily to gauge his response, "Yes, Ann…everyday, every class and you always had a smartass comment," She smiled and everyone else laughed.
"Yeah, I used to do that in my younger stupid days." He admitted shyly. "I always teased the ones I liked. I'll admit, you were my Mrs. Robison. I was such an idiot. I had the biggest crush on you, thought I could 'woo' you away from your husband with my smartass wit." He laughed at her expression and gave Jack a smile. "What guy wasn't in love with you then? Every guy, I knew."
Irina blushed, laughing and Jack enjoyed the exchange, seeing a wedding ring on the man's finger he felt completely secure he was no longer trying to 'woo' her away.
"I wonder what ever happened to Ann?" Irina smiled changing subjects and shifting Lena who was still sleeping on her chest. "She was such an excellent student."
"She's a High School English teacher in Santa Monica, married to some bloke, has three kids, she's still as beautiful as ever." He smiled, and showed her his ring.
"You?" Irina shouted in surprise.
"Told 'ya. I always teased the ones I liked." He winked at Irina.
"That's a great story." She smiled happily for them.
"Not quite as great as the one I'm hearing about you…Laura… Irina… English professor… didn't really die but was a KGB spy…and now Tsar of Russia?" He raised his eyebrows at her teasing. "That's a story I'll have to hear sometime. Make a great story for my grandkids someday to hear about how Grandpa's English Lit Professor was really a spy for the KGB and secret Tsar of Russia."
"It's a long story." Irina smiled speaking slowly shaking her head, smiling at Jack.
"So I hear." He smiled at Jack and took her hand in his. "I'll be back to check on you later. You're making excellent progress. Hopefully, we'll have you out of her and home before Thanksgiving. I'm so happy to know you 'are' alive, Professor Bristow."
"Me too." She smiled at him. "Me too." She repeated softly stroking the baby's hair, smiling at Jack and Sydney.
*Dream*
"We have to hurry. They're going to be here any minute." Sydney smiled as Vaughn finished setting the table and she lit the candles.
"Seriously, this is ridiculous. When's the last time you guys used these lights?" Weiss emerged from the attic, Christmas lights wrapped around him in massive knots.
"Twenty-two years ago." Sydney smiled sadly, "After my mom was gone, my dad never put them up again on Thanksgiving."
"Oh." Weiss felt like kicking himself in the ass. "Sorry, Syd." He untangled himself.
"Don't be sorry." She smiled helping to rid him of the lights. "We're bringing back that tradition this year."
"You may need Jack'o there to buy some new lights." Weiss threw them onto the back porch.
"Jack-o?" Vaughn laughed incredulously at Weiss's choice of nicknames.
"Well we could always go with 'Panama Jack?" Weiss stuffed a carrot from the relish tray in his mouth. "I think it's appropriate, considering." He waggled his eyebrows.
Vaughn burst into tears with laughter, as did Sydney after she turned ten shades of red.
"You guys are terrible!" She hit them both with a potholder.
"So what time are the Spyrents supposed to be here anyway?" Weiss helped Sydney to turn the turkey in the oven.
"Spyrents?" She gave him another look, sliding the turkey back into the oven. "You mean my parents?"
"Yeah, you know, SpyDaddy 'Panama Jack,' SpyMommy 'Tsarina Irina' and let's not forget Spybaby Lena." He laughed continuing to mash potatoes while Vaughn had a hard time standing he was laughing so hard.
"Spybaby?" Sydney shook her head getting a bottle of wine.
"Well, she did break into the White House with you two! I'd say its bound to be genetic."
Sydney laughed pouring them both a glass while they waited.
"Let's not forget Spykid Syd!" Vaughn burst into laughter as Sydney hurled the potholder at him, all laughing hysterically.
Something that felt so good after so much sadness over the last few weeks.
"You're such an ass!" She laughed grabbing Vaughn by the front of the shirt, kissing him hard before swatting him on the butt.
"What's so funny?" Jack smiled enjoying seeing Sydney laughing as he stood in the doorway to the kitchen, joined by Irina carrying the baby and Katya just behind her.
"Oh good! The Spyrents are here!" Weiss smiled and downed his last bit of wine.
"Spyrents?" Jack looked at the man curiously as Sydney kissed him and her mother 'hello.'
"Spyrents? I am unfamiliar with this English word." Katya kissed Sydney's cheek breezing by her.
"Mom, welcome home." Sydney smiled getting teary eyed already. "Happy Thanksgiving." She reached over and hugged her mother fiercely.
"I love you." Irina whispered into her ear in Russian and then repeated it in English when she backed away and cupped Sydney's chin.
"Irina," Weiss gave her a hug, feeling that today was starting new; 'why not hug the woman who's screwdriver shot me? '"I'm glad you're feeling better."
"Thank you, Eric." She smiled, enjoying her daughter's friends that made Sydney smile. "Michael," Irina reached with the one arm not holding the baby, out to hug Vaughn, kissing him on the cheek. "I haven't had a chance to 'Thank You,' for going with Sydney to Washington," She looked up, tears in her eyes, "Once again you helped save my life. 'Thank You.'"
Vaughn's only response was to smile.
"I'm famished." Katya announced, smelling the scent of wonderful food cooking in the air. "I've never been to one of these 'Thanksgivings' so lets get the show on the road."
They all sat around the living room table, Jack and Irina at the heads with Weiss and Sydney on one side, Katya and Vaughn on the other.
"I almost forgot." Irina shrugged getting up from the table with a sigh, "Please excuse me." She said quietly, laying the sleeping baby in the Moses basket, grabbing a small black bag, making her way to the kitchen.
"Where's she going?" Sydney looked to her father curiously, setting her napkin across her lap.
"Checking her blood sugar, I imagine." Jack got up from the table and followed Irina into the kitchen.
"How long did the doctor say she'd have to keep taking insulin?" Sydney asked Katya, concerned for her mother who was obviously upset about it.
"Irina," Jack announced softly as he came up behind her.
She had just finished checking her blood and was now flicking the syringe full of insulin to get air bubbles out, the tears in her eyes evident of her frustrations.
"Are you ok?" He asked softly, helping her by swabbing the spot on her stomach with alcohol she'd chosen to do the injection this time.
"I'm fine." Irina tried to smile through her tears while she jammed the needle into her skin. "I don't like needles." She sighed placing the old syringe in the little orange box the doctor had given them.
Jack understood her dislike of needles, constant reminders of Kashmir and now, her Execution. "I know you're not fine." He pulled her slowly into his arms, wrapping them around her while her tears broke.
"I feel like such an ingrate." She buried her face into his neck, "I'm alive, Jack. Nothing else should matter but..."
"But what?" He asked softly, running his hand down the silky-smoothness of her long hair.
"He said at this point, it's permanent." Katya answered softly, pouring herself a glass of wine. "She's not producing any insulin anymore so from here on, she will have to have insulin injections."
"But I was dead, Jack. I was dead. And I know it." She held him tighter as more tears came. "I prepared myself to die, accepted it. Saw the light and then all of the sudden I am alive again. I can't help it. I am an emotional mess."
"Shhh," He soothed, burying his face into her hair, "I can't say I understand what you're going through but Irina, it's ok. You're allowed to feel this way and you're not an ingrate for it. It's only been a few days. Give yourself time."
Everyone left in the dining room hung their' heads in silence, pouring more wine and thinking about Irina's now lifelong, constant reminder of her Execution.
They held each other a moment longer when Irina pulled back, big smile on her face, obviously trying to cover any unsettling feelings she was harboring. She kissed him soundly on the lips and wiping away any lingering tears she announced, "I have so much to be thankful for this year and I haven't celebrated Thanksgiving in twenty years, so damnit! Let's go eat some turkey!" She laughed and grabbed Jack's hand. "Geez, did somebody die?" Irina smiled trying to lighten the mood, seeing the sullen group of people now occupying the dining room. She glanced over to the basket and ran her fingers over the baby's cheek before taking a seat. "Jack,'' She took her seat at the end of the table and rested her chin on her crossed hands. "Would you do the honor?" She asked resuming a tradition started thirty years ago.
They all held hands and listened as Jack repeated the Lord's Prayer, completely ironic for them now and yet, absolutely necessary after all the miracles that had occurred in the last few weeks.
"I would like to purpose a toast." Irina raised her glass, "To living as if everyday is your last, and to loving like it will go on forever. Cheers!" She smiled and everyone clinked glasses.
Jack proceeded to carve the turkey and the lightened mood returned, everyone was smiling and laughing again over Weiss's Christmas light story.
Having decided that after the meal, the 'men' would make a trip to Home Depot and buy new lights, so the house wouldn't burn down before Christmas.
"Panama Jack, want to pass me the potatoes?" Weiss poured another glass of wine, feeling free and easy with a little help from the alcohol. When all motion on the table ceased, "Did I just say that out loud?"
*Inner Smile*
"Panama Jack." Irina repeated and then burst out laughing seeing everyone's faces turning red, especially Sydney's. "Mmm, I like it, I think I may have to keep that one." She winked at Jack who'd gone from looking like he was going to kill someone to holding in laughter.
"Oh no." Sydney groaned taking another heaping of green bean casserole as unwanted mental images began flashing through her mind.
"I don't get it." Katya looked annoyed taking another sip of wine.
"Panama Jack is an American clothing line and rum and now, a reference to the events surrounding Lena's conception." Irina smiled holding in her laughter as well.
"Oh, yes! That was some story, Jack." Katya took a long sip of wine and winked at him, "I had to keep fanning myself hearing the details." She waved her hand in front of her face, "Don't you think it's getting a little hot in here?"
"Oh brother," Sydney shook her head and poured a sizeable glass of wine while Vaughn and Weiss were about ready to spit out turkey and mashed potatoes holding in their laughter.
"That move you did placing the tracker, very nice." Katya continued to make the fanning motion in front of her face seeing Jack turn red.
"Katya!" Irina scolded her sister, trying not to laugh seeing that Sydney was absolutely about to die.
"Five weeks." Jack looked right at Irina and smiled seductively, feeling himself getting heated just over the vivid flashes from that night and counting down until the day he could have a repeat or two or three.
"Five weeks." Irina repeated with the same heated gaze.
"Five weeks, until what?" Weiss asked and then, the 'lights' went on. "Oh-hh!" He smiled finishing another glass off, nodding at Jack with a wink.
"Oh brother, fine!" Sydney downed her whole glass. "Fine. If we're sharing sex talk then I had the best, most wild, out of control, crazy sex with Vaughn in the shower this morning, almost shattered the glass."
Vaughn, Weiss and Jack all spit food out across the table, choking and causing Sydney to smile. "And we're likely to have a repeat tonight."
Katya clasped her hands together and threw her head back in laughter, "She is a Derevko!"
"Sydney!" Vaughn admonished her, feeling Jack's heated gaze.
"Sydney." Jack looked at her turning bright red watching her smile smugly and pour herself another drink.
"It's not so much fun, those mental images I'm giving you, huh, Daddy?" She smiled having a stare down with her father.
All Irina could do was smile and shrug at Jack, with sympathy as Sydney's father.
"Sydney." Irina reached over and clasped her daughter's hand on the table, trying to hold back her giggles, proud of her daughter. "Please Sweetheart, lets not give your father a heart-attack, I've had enough of hospitals for a lifetime."
"Fine. Then you two stop giving 'me' mental images, please!" Sydney poured another glass, smiling, as this was sort of fun: giving her parents a hard time for a change. She'd missed it during the normal crazy teenage years. "I'm happy you're happy and all, but must I hear the details! Like my father lusting after my mother, counting down the days until he can jump her!"
"Are all Thanksgivings this much fun?" Katya kept laughing. "I think I shall attend every year!"
"This is the best Thanksgiving I've ever had." Weiss slapped Vaughn on the back in congratulations. "I hope I never have daughters. I'll be a wreck!"
Lena began fussing and Irina went to pick her up, bringing her back to the table with her, the baby having already fallen asleep in the crook of her arm. "And just to think, we have one more to go." She smiled at Jack, knowing he was already imagining his baby being just as wild as her mother and apparently, sister.
*Timeless*
Dinner finished with relative ease after switching topics of conversation to the memories they all had of prior Thanksgivings. Everyone helped to clear the table and sat in the living room in front of the fireplace continuing to share their favorite memories. Irina and the baby had gone upstairs so she could change Lena into her pajamas but hadn't returned for quite sometime. Sydney and her father shared a knowing glance and Sydney moved off the couch and headed up the stairs in search of her mom.
"Mom," She tapped on her father's bedroom door and it opened slightly. Her mother was sitting in the rocking chair in the corner nursing her sister. Irina had obvious tears in her eyes.
"Are you, ok?" Sydney sat softly on the edge of the bed just in front of her mother.
"I'm fine, Sweetheart. Really." Irina reached her hand out and clasped Sydney's. "I'm just really happy, an emotional sap at the moment." Irina looked around the room. "It is so surreal for me, to be in this room, this house after leaving it so long ago. It's like an old friend." She smiled. "I used to sit in this very spot, rocking you to sleep and now here I am again. I never thought this was possible." More tears came to her eyes and she brushed them away. Trailing her finger up the baby's tiny arm and hand nuzzled against her soft flesh.
"I remember you rocking me. I used to have my nannies rock me in this chair before bed," Sydney's tears started, "I would pretend they were you and I always went to sleep praying that I would see you in my dreams."
"Sydney, I'm so sorry." Irina's unshed tears finally fell as she spoke softly.
"It's ok, Mom because I understand now. You did what you had to do." She knelt on the carpet and fingered her sister's foot hanging out beneath her mother's arm. "And you were suffering without me, just as much as I was with out you. I love you more now then I ever did in a memory." She admitted, smiling up at Irina.
The beloved image she once held in her memory of her mother now replaced and surpassed by the real thing.
Irina cupped her chin, "I love you too, more then I could possibly every put into words. Sydney, I know that you were planning on staying at Michael's house tonight, but I would really like it if I had my family, my complete family under this roof again if only for one night. Michael can stay if you want, but I-"
"Of course, Mom." Sydney smiled, enjoying the idea of waking up in this house again with her mother there. "How are you feeling, honestly?"
"Honestly," Irina dropped her gaze to the baby still nursing and fast falling asleep, "Like I've been run over by a train, and tortured for a month."
"I can only imagine." Sydney spoke slowly and kissed the bottom of Lena's foot, tears springing to her eyes again. "Watching you on that table..." She shook the mental image of her mother's bleeding, flopping body being shocked back to life out of her mind.
"Sydney," Irina smoothed her hand over the back of her eldest daughter's head, the pain of her daughter having to watch her own mother's execution tearing at her heart.
"Mom," Sydney looked up meeting Irina's eyes, "I know you probably don't want to talk about this, never want to think about it and I'm sorry for bringing it up but what Cuvee did to you in Kashmir…"
Irina swallowed hard, caught off guard by the sudden rush of emotions those two words put together inspired in her: Cuvee and Kashmir.
"Mom, I'm not an evil person but I want to make him pay. Slowly, and painfully I want to make him pay."
Irina was quiet a moment. "Sweetheart, I know you're not an evil person. You could never be." She smiled softly at her daughter, "But this should not be your battle. It is mine. And before you object," She could see Sydney on the verge of interrupting, "As moved as I am that you love me that much to want to, I cannot let you." She cupped her daughters face, making her look her in the eye. "Sydney, I am too fearful of what he would do to you if he ever…as your mother I cannot let that happen to you." Her eyes filled with tears again. "I promise you, I will deal with him in my own time. He will pay for what he has done." She started to smile, "But Sloane, well you have suffered just as much by his hand, if not more." She looked sadly at her daughter thinking about Danny. "So, I would love to have you by my side when I find and gut that weasel. Finally, working on the same team again." She smiled thinking about how fun it was in actuality to work with she and Jack in India and Kashmir. Well, the happier moments anyway.
"Just as long as you're the one that finally kills him." Sydney ran her thumb over Lena's ear, "So we can end this 'effin prophecy once and for all."
Irina started to giggle at Sydney's choice of wording. "So eloquently put, Sweetheart. You have a way with words tonight." Irina giggled and Sydney laughed.
"Yeah well, I know this sounds strange but talking with you about 'man issues' is completely different then talking about them with Dad. Like I would be completely 'ok' talking to you about Vaughn and I, or even you talking to me about your experiences, but telling Dad…or worse, hearing Dad tell me about you and him… Oh no!" She made a scrunched face that had Irina shaking with held in giggles. "It's just different with your father."
"Yes," Irina agreed, "I could talk to my mother about boys and hear her stories but talking to my father, no. I think it's because they'd like to believe we'll remain virgins all our life and we'd like to believe we were conceived through Immaculate Conception." She laughed.
"Yes!" Sydney smiled brightly, her mother understanding perfectly. They were quiet a moment before Sydney picked up Irina's hand holding it close to her heart. "I've waited all my life to have conversations like this with you. To have my mother be my best friend, my confidant."
"Oh Sydney," Irina brought her daughter's hand to her lips, "Me, too."
"Let's stay in our pajamas all morning and watch sappy love story movies on the AMC Channel while Dad, Eric and Vaughn put up Christmas lights."
"And every so often go out and laugh at them because its doubtful they'll be able to put them up without some sort of issue." Irina giggled liking this plan, as she still felt exhausted. "Yes, it's a date."
Sydney smiled looking at her mother's face for a long time. "I love you, Mom." She told her mother in Russian, bringing tears to Irina's eyes again.
"I love you to the moon and back, more than stars in the Heavens and the grains of sand on Earth, Sydney Anne. Forever and always." Irina answered in her native tongue. The sound of her mother's Russian language was soothing to Sydney now.
*Ice *
Irina awoke with a start in the middle of the night. With her heart pounding in her ears she fought to slow her breathing and not disturb Jack lying beside her. Another nightmare of Kashmir, most likely brought on by Sydney's mentioning of the place earlier in the evening. Not that it was her daughter's fault, she had no idea how those words affected her mother, bringing back horrible images and feelings in the forms of nightmares.
This one she'd been asleep in her dirty bunk, awakened by the sound of the guards' heavy footsteps and the squeaking wheels of the metal cart. She could feel them grab her roughly, pinning her to the bed, as they smothered her mouth and the screams of protest. The needle jammed into her hip, reaching the bone, and then the paralysis. She could feel their sickening weight on top of her as they proceeded to take turns raping her, laughing and cheering each other on.
The deep bruises of handprints left on her body still visible even in this darkness twenty years later.
Irina shook her head of the mental image as a single tear rolled down her cheek. She carefully moved Jack's arm, lying across her stomach, and crept out of bed; thankful he was still a deep sleeper, something she used to use against him to look through his papers. The baby was now fast asleep in her bassinet and Irina gently leaned over and picked her up, holding her close to her chest, knowing that Lena would be awake any minute to eat.
Lena made soft squeaking noises from being disturbed and Irina's eyes flew to Jack, thankful he wasn't awakened. She didn't want to have to explain to him why she was sneaking out their room at 3:30 in the morning on her first night 'home.'
With the baby snuggled against her, Irina crept silently to the door and unlocked it, keeping an eye on Jack and slipped out the door, closing it softly behind her. Silently, she moved down the hall and down the stairs, finding her way around by moonlight cascading through the big French doors leading to the backyard and familiarity, Jack really had changed nothing as far as furniture placement in the last twenty years. She grabbed another blanket for the baby out of the Moses basket in the living room and carefully unlocked the front door, slipping out as she wrapped the extra blanket around her sleeping child, completely unaware she was being watched from the kitchen doorway.
Katya had trouble sleeping and had been sitting in the kitchen drinking tea when she heard someone downstairs. She watched silently as her sister snuck out of the house, seeing Irina's shadow behind the curtain on the other side of the glass taking a seat on the porch swing. She walked back into the kitchen and set her cup on the counter, retrieved the quilt on the back of the sofa and made her way outside.
Irina looked up startled from where she was now sitting on the swing, feeding the baby. When she realized it was Katya and not Sydney or Jack, she was somewhat relieved and gave her a small smile as her sister came to sit by her.
"Rina, it's freezing out here and you're sitting here in your nightgown." Katya scolded her softly wrapping the blanket around Irina's shoulders. "What are you doing?" She asked softly, brushing Irina's hair over her shoulder to get a better look at her sister, and found tear tracks on her cheeks.
"I couldn't sleep." Irina admitted softly looking down at the baby in her arms as another tear made its way, thinking about the horrible dream.
"Another nightmare?" Katya asked quietly, taking Irina's hand in her own, knowing now after reconnecting with Irina, how much her sister struggled with the demons of Kashmir.
Irina nodded, 'yes' and reached up with her hand to wipe the tears away. "They're coming back more frequently now."
"Rina," Katya began softly, laying one arm behind Irina on the back of the swing, "You need to talk to someone about it. You can't keep it in forever. Talk to me."
"No." Irina looked at her defiantly. "I don't want to talk about it. Talking about it only makes them come more frequently. If I don't talk about it, they'll eventually go away again." She looked out into the darkness.
"No Rina," Katya played with her sister's hair, "They won't go away, you'll just bury them again. Please Irina, if you won't talk to me, talk to Jack, or Sydney."
"No!" Irina turned her unshed teary eyes to her sister, "Especially not Jack and Sydney."
"Irina, they love you." Katya felt her eyes tearing up at seeing her sister waging such a battle within herself. "They'll help you. We'll all help you. Nobody's going to judge you-"
"Katya, please." Irina felt the tears rolling down her cheeks again; she closed her eyes, "Just let it go. I'll be ok. Please." Irina pleaded with her eyes.
Katya agreed and pulled Irina's head to her lips, kissing her hair. "For now my sister."
They sat that way, cuddled together on the swing for another twenty minutes until Lena had finished and fallen asleep again.
"Are you going back to bed?" Katya asked as they stood to enter the house again.
"No." Irina smiled softly, "You go on ahead."
"Rina, you must sleep." Katya looked disturbed as she rested her hand on the door handle. "You need your rest."
"I'm going to rest." She wrapped the baby's blanket tighter, "I'm going to meditate."
Katya nodded her head in understanding.
In the months she and Irina had spent together she'd come to realize that her sister used meditation instead of sleep as a way of resting. A way of avoiding sleep, because sleep brought the nightmares. They made their way inside the house and Irina kissed Katya 'goodnight' gently on the cheek before making her way to place the sleeping baby in the Moses basket. Katya paused on the stairs to watch as Irina moved the basket near the beautiful rug in front of the moonlit windows.
Irina sat looking outside and pulled her knees into the meditation position and Katya shook her head, feeling overwhelming sadness for her sister who wasn't afraid of anything except sleep.
Just as Katya reached the landing at the top of the stairs, she noticed Jack staring over the railing at Irina, his arms folded over his bare chest wearing nothing but pajama pants, watching her in wonderment and confusion. His eyes met Katya's trying to understand why Irina would rather meditate in darkness alone than sleep with him in their bed.
Katya placed her hand on Jack's arm and shook her head 'no' slowly, signaling he should leave Irina be and go back to bed. She offered him a small smile and nodded with her head as they both silently made their way back to their respective bedrooms.
Just before dawn, Irina crept back to bed, placing Lena in her bassinet and curling up behind Jack. Jack had felt her slip into bed behind him and pretended to be asleep. He was saddened by the thought she was already sneaking around and whatever was keeping her awake at night Irina didn't feel comfortable sharing it with him. He decided to let her talk about it when she was ready, on her own terms and went back to sleep.
Irina awakened him with a big kiss and a smile a couple of hours later, pulling him out of bed to make breakfast still in their pajamas. To her credit, she seemed utterly happy and Jack said nothing about catching her sneaking out of bed.
Katya had joined them soon after and Irina could hardly wait anymore for Sydney to wake up so she decided to wake her up. As soon as Irina had left the kitchen, Jack and Katya shared a knowing glance that they would not reveal to Irina that Jack had seen her. For whatever reason, Katya was trying to tell him Irina needed her space and so, he would give it to her.