Author's Notes: Thanks for the follows! Ah, I am a sucker for Roy when he's angsty. He's got good cause to be. (Especially in the 03 FMA, holy shit. That was awful.)

21. Repentance/Confession

He owed a hell of a lot to her. It was as if he'd been racking up debts towards her from the moment their lives crossed paths. How long would it take before he could pay her back? Could he even do that? Would she even accept? She was ridiculously stubborn, to the point where she wouldn't admit it. As far as she was concerned, he owed her nothing, but to him, it felt as if he owed her the world and more.

After all, Roy had stepped into Riza's world so many times that his footprints could mark the all the moments in her life that he'd changed it. Her life was irrevocably altered every time he came into it. Perhaps every little thing from good to awful hinged on the moment he knocked on the Hawkeye Estate. Maybe she had been tied to this fate that first moment they accidentally laid eyes on one another in the library. Had he damned her to this life all those years ago?

Likely she would've told him off for thinking such things. Everything she had done had been her choice. She had chosen to become friends with her father's apprentice despite her apprehension and her father's orders not to speak to him. She had chosen to give him the secrets to her father's research. She had chosen to join the military. She had chosen to pick up a rifle. She had chosen to follow him after the war. He hadn't forced her to do anything.

Still, Roy couldn't help but wonder what Riza's life would have been like had he not been in it. Would she be married? Have a family? Would she smile more and hold herself back less? Would she be happy?

For some reason, the mere mental image of her laughing and smiling with the vague figure of another man and a child was enough to cause Roy to grit his teeth and clench his fists. Had he caused her in some way to deny herself of what so many cherished? Even then, he felt relieved that she wasn't living like that and that she was with him, which made him feel all the more ashamed. He was happy that she was standing with him. Maybe he wouldn't have known what he was missing if he'd never met her, but he had and he knew that there would've been a hole in the shape of her that he never would've been able to understand had he not.

If only he could make it up to her somehow without her knowing that he was trying to do so… That would make him feel better, however selfish it sounded.

It was shortly after he received his eyesight back that it came to be too much. How much of a burden had he been without his eyesight, growing prone to panic attacks and not being able to walk by himself? She took so much time out of her own life to help him recuperate from his. The Philosopher's Stone took time apparently when it came to regaining something that Truth had taken, so his vision came back slowly and blurrily in a way that not even glasses could fix. It was like he was looking through fog and murky water.

As they were walking around the small garden of the hospital with her at his side, her hands on the crook of his arm, Roy huffed irritably and fell onto a nearby bench, nearly falling over after misjudging how close he was to it. The only reason he didn't end up in a rose bush was the suddenly tight grip Riza had a hold of his arm. Once they were sitting down though, Roy put his face in his hands, pulling his arm out of her grip while doing so.

"I must apologize to you, Lieutenant," he mumbled into his hands.

"Sir, you have nothing to apologize for." There it was – that flat, utterly confident voice of hers that managed to drive him absolutely mad at times. It was so constant that he was grateful for it most of the time, but then there were times like this one that she seemed to use it almost as an act of insubordination.

"You shouldn't be doing this," Roy continued regardless of her feelings on the matter. He had to get this off his chest, if only to lessen the dull ache that haunted him. Couldn't she see what he'd done to her? He'd wounded her worse than any bullet ever could. He'd helped damage her in more ways than one. "I've asked far too much of you."

"And yet I'm still here," Riza put in. Her voice wasn't gentle. If anything, she sounded about as irritated as he felt. "I've done what I have because I thought it was the right thing to do, even when it turned out it wasn't."

Roy shook his head miserably, pulling his face out of his hands. He still couldn't see properly, mostly just vague shapes that he was forced to guess and spots of color. It was frustrating, especially when he looked at her. All he wanted to do was see her face again, even if she was glowering at him. "Can't you see? You would've been so much better off without me. I should never have dragged you into this mess. Think of how happy you could have been. You could have done what you wanted instead of following me around."

"Maybe," Riza said, "but I chose to follow you instead and this is what I want to do now."

"I used to think that I could live with anything as long as you were by my side," Roy confessed weakly, dropping his chin to his chest. "Now I just feel like I've damned you to hell with me."

Riza gently took his hands in hers. When he glanced up at her, he didn't need to see perfectly to know that there was a fierce light in her eyes. "Well if we're going to hell, it's my job to make sure you live through it. That is what I want to do – and I'll be damned if you throw yourself a pity party over what is my decision." He opened his mouth to protest, but she actually placed a hand over his mouth, silencing him effectively. "I don't need your repentance, Roy Mustang. I need your promise that you will get better so that we can see the fruition of your plans to make his country a better place again. I'll not have you waste our time with needless apologies."

She was so determined to the point of sounding angry that Roy almost laughed. When she had something in her mind, it was difficult for her to let it go. And she would not let him fall victim to fancies of remorse, not when they already had so much of it staining their past.

"You can regret what you did as long as you strive to atone for it," Riza told him, "but don't you dare for a second wish that I wasn't here with you. I wouldn't change stepping into your office because it was the right thing to do and it was what I wanted. I knew that you were the only one that would help me atone for my own actions and I am proud to be here with you."

Roy gave her a small smile. He could see the way her shoulders relaxed then, relieved at having won him over, at least for now. He couldn't promise that he wouldn't think that way again, but for now, her words assuaged him. "I'm glad you're with me." The admission was the truth. He felt guilty, but he was also thankful. Honestly he didn't know where he would be without her. He leaned slightly, putting his head on her shoulder, and caught the way that she tensed up again, but then her hand wove around his back and sat on his waist, holding him against her. For now, this was enough. For now, this was good.