Chapter 21
Neither said anything at first. Catherine kept her eyes downcast, stirring her tea. Her body was rigid with tension. She didn't speak.
"How are you feeling now?" asked Grissom softly.
"Better. It mostly doesn't hurt at all. You're a great nurse," said Catherine and flushed, unsure about how he would take that statement.
"Great, hopefully, the cast can come off soon," said Grissom.
Catherine's heart sank. When she could walk properly, she would have to leave.
"Yeah, it'll be great," she tried to say cheerfully, but it came out sounding strangled. Her emotions were choking her.
Grissom watched her. She had still not lifted up her head. She sounded so sad and unsure. He wasn't quite sure how to proceed. But he had made a decision to talk to her tonight. He needed some answers.
"Cath," he said softly, tenderly.
Oh, God. She was going to start crying. When he said her name that way, she remembered every single way he had loved her. Every touch, every caress. She ached for it now as much as she had then. When she had decided to let him love her for a day.
"Gil, don't. Please," she said in a whisper.
"I know, I'll have to leave. Don't say my name like that, please. I'll go as soon as I'm better. Lindsay can stay with you. Thank you for being so wonderful. I'm sorry for all that I've done. I'm so sorry. I never meant for any of this to happen, I couldn't help it. I'm sorry," everything came rushing out. So did her tears, they were falling steadily.
Grissom watched her. He did not say anything for a while. "What do you mean you'll leave?" he said. There was a small hint of anger in his voice.
Catherine looked up at him with wide eyes.
"I'll … I'll leave Linds with you. And I'll go away," she stammered.
"You're going to leave Lindsay behind and just leave?" said Grissom. Now there was anger evident in his voice.
Catherine stared at him. She started to press back into the cushion as she recognized the anger in his voice.
"I have to. It'll be better that way," she gulped. Unconsciously, her body started to curl up and she moved back as far as she could.
Grissom sighed as he saw her start to shrink in fear.
"Nice going, you insensitive jerk," he told himself mentally.
"Why will it be better?" he asked in a calmer voice. He pushed back his anger resolutely.
Catherine looked at him uncertainly.
"Because if not, I'll ruin her life more," she said in a small voice.
"Cath, how have you ruined her life?" asked Grissom.
"You're a great father. Much better than Eddie. She could have had so much more, if only I'd given her to you from the beginning," she said. Catherine looked down.
"Lindsay loves you very much. And as far as I can tell, you did a great job of raising her," he said softly.
"Really?" she asked.
"Yes, definitely." He answered.
"Thank you," she said slowly.
Catherine looked up at him again.
"Why are you being so kind to me? You should hate me, you know," she said, staring into his eyes, in wonderment.
Grissom blinked.
"What do you mean? Why should I hate you?" asked Grissom.
"Because I didn't tell you about Lindsay, because I made you go away. Because, I screwed up. Really, screwed up," she said, honestly.
Grissom answered, "I don't hate you and we all screw up."
Catherine laughed a bitter laugh.
"Oh, no. I screwed up big time. And you, you just bring me in here and you take care of me. Don't you know that I'm just going to cause you more grief in the end?" she said desperately.
"Cath, why did you make me leave you?" asked Grissom. It was a question he had puzzled over for more than six years.
Catherine closed her eyes in shame.
"Because you were too good for me," she said, with a sob.
"Because I was already engaged to Eddie. And there are so many more things you didn't know. I would have ruined you," she said sadly.
"Things like what?" asked Grissom.
Catherine told him. He deserved that much.
"Like the fact that I worked as a stripper. I also had an on- and-off cocaine addiction," she started.
At the look on Grissom's face, she quickly reassured him. "No, don't worry. I was off when Lindsay was conceived. When I found out, I took care of myself. She's the reason I stayed off," she said.
"I'd run away from home at the age of 16. I was always on the wild side. You don't want to know about the company I kept or the way I lived at times," she said with shame.
"Then I was studying part-time. It was just a dream of mine to get a job at the lab. Then I met you. And you wanted me," she continued, in a dreamy voice.
Catherine fixed her eyes on his.
"No one had ever treated me that way. All the guys I ever knew, only thought that women were good for one thing. And when we talked, it was like we actually connected, you and I," she said with awe.
"I saw then what other people had. I never knew what a real gentleman was before that. You let me see a life I'd never even dared to dream about. I'd never thought I could have it that way. And I wanted it so badly. I took it," at this point, Catherine looked down again.
"I promised myself just one day. One day to feel like a queen. To have you love me for being me," she said softly.
Grissom gently lifted her chin, looking at her with sympathy and tenderness.
"Why only one day?" he asked.
Catherine smiled a wistful smile. Grissom remembered that smile. He never did understand that smile.
"Because it couldn't really last forever. There are no happily-ever-afters in real life. You had it all. You were and are a great man with a wonderful reputation. I would have spoilt everything. A stripper and a coke addict. You deserved someone much better than me," she explained.
Grissom started to protest. But Catherine placed a finger on his lips.
"I know you wanted to do right by me. You said you wanted to marry me and I believed you. But you couldn't see that I would ruin you. What would happen when you realized what I really was? You would hate me," she said sadly.
"So I took what I wanted. I'm sorry. I used you. I knew I could and I seduced you. And I'm not sorry. You didn't know it then, but Lindsay was the greatest gift you ever gave me. Thank you," said Catherine.
Grissom gently removed her finger.
"As well as I can remember, it didn't take you all that much effort. It takes two to tango, you know. And I'd wanted to make love to you from the moment I met you," he said.