Castiel figured that he should tell Dean to stay away from him. He really really should.
Because it really would be better for all of them and he knew he was just going to end up hurting Dean despite what the other man might say about letting him know if he was fucking up. Mostly because he had a chance to think about it while he was playing, watching how happy Dean looked banging his tambourine on Charlie's bongos every time the redhead looked away and he realized that Dean was way too nice of a person to actually tell him if he did something wrong because it was really only a matter of time before he did do something wrong. He also realized that the other man wouldn't run away from Cas even if he sat him down and listed out all of the reasons why his was poison and awful and just downright detrimental to Dean's health. Because Dean was a good person who liked him for some strange reason and Cas was horrible.
But judging by the look of shock on Dean's face when Cas cut off Crowley, who in all fairness was butchering the fuck out of Hey Jude, to sing the song himself in his wavering baritone, maybe it wasn't going to come as such a surprise when he finally broke the news to the other patient that he was not a good person at all. Because as soon as Cas was done singing and the obligatory round of polite applause had rained down on him from the rest of the assembled patients, everyone getting up and returning their borrowed instruments to Andy before meandering off one by one or in small groups, Dean just sat there and stared.
Stared with the most stricken expression on his face while Cas nervously twisted the hem of his t-shirt in his hands as he tried to smile when Charlie and Ash and Becky clustered around him to tell him how awesome he was. The funniest thing was, the praise wasn't anything he hadn't heard before and he didn't believe it in high school so he wasn't going to believe it now and he really really did plan on verbally confirming all of the horrible realizations that were undoubtedly rushing through Dean's head because even though he knew he wasn't good enough for the other man he wished that he were and maybe he could start taking the steps to being good enough by warning Dean away from him.
And he was breathing hard and sweating again and yea the nausea was back in full fucking force when Dean got up and started moving towards him and their group with hesitant, unwilling steps. Because even though he knew that Dean figuring out how terrible he was was what needed to happen, its not necessarily what he wanted to happen. He wasn't even making sense in his own head anymore and he knew it, but all he could see was the way that Dean was staring at him like he had just noticed that Cas was a serial killer or something and he didn't know if he could handle hearing the other man telling him, 'Nevermind, let's not do...this. This is a bad idea.'
"Dude," Ash drawled giving Castiel a rousing slap on the back as he spoke, though Cas didn't really feel it; he was too busy watching the way that Dean was watching him with wide eyes and cupid's bow lips parted in either horror or disgust or some other emotion that normal people usually reserved for people who abused kittens. "That was the coolest shit ever! It was like a musical flashmob when everyone joined in on the 'nahnahnah' part. I wish I had my phone so I could've Youtubed that shit, I will never be involved in anything that cool ever again."
"It was nothing," Cas mumbled, ignoring the shrewd way that Charlie and Becky were both looking back and forth between him and Dean as he chewed on the corner of his bottom lip where a piece of chapped skin had started to peel up. "Seriously, I didn't plan for that to happen. It's just a popular song."
"But dude, I thought Dick was going to start crying," Ash continued, making expansive gestures with his hands as Castiel got to his feet and fidgeted with his clothes and his glasses and his hair and pretty much anything that was attached to his person that could possibly be fidgeted with. Dean was approaching them and was still staring like...well,like he hadn't ever seen him before and that was probably about to break his heart. "And then fucking Martin came in here probably to yell at us to be quiet because he's always yelling about us being loud and he was speechless man! He just rolled his eyes and walked out, you're a god."
Cas couldn't even shrug or shake his head to deny the praise that the other patient was lavishing on him because Dean had stopped next to Charlie, pretty much as far away as he could get while still being part of their clustered group, and started tugging on the rolled sleeve of the flannel shirt that the other girl was wearing. He knew that Ash was still speaking, but he was too focused on the way that Dean ducked his head to whisper in Charlie's ear, not taking his eyes off Castiel even as the redhead's own eyes widened in shock from whatever she was being told.
God, it was probably bad. Dean was probably telling Charlie that Cas was weird and creepy and too strange to even want to contemplate being in a...whatever with and asking her to tell Cas to kindly stay the fuck away from him. Because he had just wanted to play Dean a fucking song that meant something to him and it had turned into this whole thing for pretty much everyone except for the person it was meant for. Maybe he should've played a Led Zepplin song or something, maybe Dean hated The Beatles; there were people out there who hated The Fab Four right?
"Hey uh, Cas?" And that was Charlie, which when had she stopped talking to Dean? He had been watching Dean, fucking focused on Dean and now the other man was leaving the room with his sure-footed, swaggering, bow-legged stride and it was taking everything Cas had to not go chasing have the other man. God, what had he done wrong? "I think um, that book you had earlier? Yea, it's in my room if you want to go get it or whatever."
"Is Dean mad at me? Where is he going? Did I do something wrong?" Castiel asked quickly, his heart beating hard in his chest because they had just talked about this; Dean using his feeling words or whatever and both of them admitting they were clueless.
"I really think you should just calm down," Charlie said, stepping in closer to him as she looked pointedly over her shoulder to where Missouri was lurking in the doorway, her gaze tracking back and forth between Castiel and Dean as the other patient excused his way past her and continued in the direction of the nurses' station. "Maybe take a deep breath or seven. In and out, that's right; just like that. Now, Cas, I really think you would feel better if you went and got your book out of my room."
At some point she had put her hands on either side of his face and squished his cheeks together, but Castiel couldn't even find it in himself to care because she was glaring at him. Glaring at him like she was trying to tell him something that he really should be smart enough to figure out; he had a 4.0 GPA goddamnit, he should be able to decipher her cryptic lady-speak.
"We're not supposed to go into each other's rooms," he mumbled, furrowing his brows and giving her his most confused puppy dog eyes so that she would take pity on him and just tell him what he had done now to make Dean mad at him.
Charlie rolled her eyes and gave him a brisk, light slap on his cheek before letting go of his face and urging him towards the doorway where Missouri was still standing and watching him with a calculating expression on her face. "Cas, I'm not gonna tell if you won't. Just go."
He was so busy nodding at her that he managed to stumble nervously over his own feet as he tried to slip past Missouri on his way out of the day area. The doctor just watched his egress with a cooly raised eyebrow and thankfully, didn't question where he was going or why because honestly he had no idea why Charlie wanted him to read his dad's book so badly. Maybe she wanted to borrow it or something. It didn't matter anyway; all Cas could think about as he walked down the hallway towards the other patient's bedroom was the wounded, open, raw way that Dean had looked as he had sang and played the rising crescendo of 'betters' in Hey Jude. He had never wanted to put that expression on Dean's face ever, but he had still managed to do it in less than a day. Go Team Failure!
Castiel took the long way around the unit, going past his own room where he seriously considered just staying; crawling into bed until he figured out how to fix whatever he had done wrong this time, but he figured that if anyone deserved to lash out at him with entirely righteous anger it was Dean. Maybe he should just fess up about the whole using Dean in his fantasies thing, put it out there in the open so that the other patient could be mad about everything all at once and then Cas could know where he stood because all of the fucking mind games and shit were getting to him. His parent's marriage had been one based on open communication, even if it meant they weren't speaking because they were mad, and he had always wanted that with someone; maybe he could see how it felt to have that with Dean.
He was rounding the last corner towards Charlie's room, shoulders slumping in preemptive defeat when he didn't see Dean in the rec room where Dick and Crowley were already playing a very violent looking video game in the most disturbingly relaxed way possible. The other man was probably hiding from him, hoping that Cas would maybe take the hint and stay as far away from him as possible until one or both of them discharged.
That would be easier wouldn't it? Except he didn't want to stay away from Dean, he would if he was asked, but god it would probably kill him inside just a little bit. It had been a long time since he had felt like there was anything left alive about himself that could be killed; needless to say the thought of that life being all in Dean's hands was freaking him the fuck out.
It scared him almost as much as being tugged into Dean and Charlie's room once he had reached it did. Because getting slammed back against the door hard enough that the air was knocked out of him by a Dean who had half-wild eyes and hair that was sticking up in all directions like he had been running his fingers through it was really the last thing he expected. The other man's hands were planted firmly on his chest, one curving over his collarbone and the other right on top of his rapidly beating heart.
"Cas," Dean breathed, gaze flickering all over his face like his green eyes couldn't decide what he wanted to look at first. "Do you...fuck...do you know? Just..Jesus...I can't, Cas. I just…"
"I'm sorr-"Castiel started only to be startled back so his head rapped sharply against the door when Dean angled his face and moved in closer until the larger man's body was what was pressing him into the wood at his back instead of just his hands.
Instead of pressing their lips together like-Okay, like Cas had hoped they would, Dean brought his face close enough that Castiel could feel the other man's breath on his cheek, the sting of stubble sliding in counterpoint to his own as Dean brushed his nose intimately across his jaw and down his throat until he settled his face in the crook of his neck with an almost pained sounding sigh. And it was nice, weird because he hadn't been expecting it but warm and just so...right.
So Cas settled his hands stiffly on the small of Dean's back and thanked whoever might be listening that he had the foresight to jerk off at least once earlier in the day because it was making it easier to calm down his libido that was raging at him from the dimmest recesses of his mind. He was conflicted though because he had really thought that Dean was mad at him and now he was saying stuff about how he couldn't something but also glomming onto him all malleable and comforting which he had not been expecting at all. Okay, he might have just a bit of a conflict boner which was was he was going to call it forever and always now because it was unlikely that he would ever get his head on straight.
Dean mumbled unintelligibly into the neckline of his shirt and relaxed even more of his weight into him as Castiel fought valiantly to shift into a position where he could comfortably cradle Dean against his chest without his legs eventually starting to tremble under their combined weight. He cleared his throat and allowed himself the indulgence of flexing his fingers into the divots at the base of Dean's spine; trying and failing to NOT remember exactly why it was that he wasn't allowing himself to touch Dean's hips because he had just fucking dealt with this and he hadn't had that kind of refractory period since he was in junior high.
"Uh, what was that again, Dean?" Cas managed to ground out around the groan that was threatening to tear its way out of his throat.
The other patient sighed damply into his neck before pulling back and meeting Cas's eyes; dropping his gaze almost immediately as the tan-freckled skin flushed crimson under Castiel's scrutiny. "I uh...I said I could stay here all day. But everyone would probably think that we're uh...doing more than just hugging, y'know? And I um...I don't think I'm ready for Charlie and Becky to be jumping to those kind of conclusions just yet. I mean...I hardly know you."
"Yea," Castiel replied, frowning at how much sense that made. Because even though he was drawn to Dean- to his soft-spoken confidence that was still human and faulty and real, to his eyes and his hands and the way he bit his lip when he was unsure, to the way everything interaction he had with the other man was easy and not full of mind games and riddles that made him question whether or not he was just Meg's back-up back-up plan for when she and Balthazar finally had a fight that they couldn't come back from-he still hardly knew anything about Dean. "I guess that makes sense. I mean, I was freaking out just now because I thought you didn't like The Beatles and that's just weird because who doesn't like The Beatles."
"Dude, you have no idea," Dean mumbled, his blush spreading to his ears and down his neck in a way that Castiel just wanted to trace to see how far it went past the other man's collar. "I heard you sing that other song, but I had no idea, Cas. That song...you just...it means a lot to me, that song and you were just was great."
How is this my life?, Cas thought to himself as Dean glanced up at him shyly while he traced his thumb over the jut of his collarbone; expecting him to react how to the praise that he had just been given by someone whose opinion he actually gave a shit about? He honestly had no idea, because it was just a novel experience.
Speaking of…
"Charlie said my book was in here," Castiel began, smirking at how cute the guilty expression that skirted over Dean's features was. "Now is it or was that just an elaborate ruse to get me alone so that you could glom onto me? It's welcome glomming by the way, feel free to glom anytime the glomming urge strikes you. In fact, if we are in the same general vicinity I will be disappointed in there is no intense huggature going on."
Dean let out an amused snort, tucking his face into Cas's neck for just another moment where he inhaled deeply before moving across the room to an unmade bed that Castiel could only assume was Dean's because the other empty bed had Charlie's copy of The Hobbit sitting on her pillow; right where it had been when the other girl had shown him Dean's drawings and his day had gotten a whole hell of a lot better.
The other man ducked down, sprawling widthwise across the messy blankets in an effort to pick up something that was on the floor on the other side and Castiel definitely did not take the opportunity to stare at Dean's butt. Even though it was a pretty fucking perfect opportunity, he had taken advantage of the other man enough for one day, thank you. Castiel made a show of looking idly at the assorted toiletries that were sitting on one of the dressers by the time Dean popped back up and ambled towards him with his book in hand.
"I didn't want it to get picked up by someone else," Dean explained, turning the book over in his hands to look at the back of the dust jacket as he stopped near where Castiel was standing. "And uh...well I figured you could use it as an excuse to be alone with me if you wanted to be. I was hoping you would want to be, but then you took off after I said that thing about your hair and you weren't at lunch and stuff so I just...I don't know. I told you I suck at this kind of stuff."
"I don't think you suck," Castiel disagreed softly, his heart soaring when Dean smiled widely at him and slid an arm around his shoulders; steering them towards the door as he continued to read the reviews from various news publications that were on the back of the book. "I just think we both need to get used to this being a thing, liking each other. Because being liked back is a pretty new experience for me, I'm still trying to wrap my head around it."
"Having the ability to like someone at all when you never thought you could is my problem," Dean replied nonchalantly and okay that was a thing.
Cas tried to reason out how that could work as Dean's hand slid back down his arm so that the other patient could open the door for him; still distractedly reading the dust jacket of his father's book as they walked out into the hallway. Maybe Dean had never genuinely liked any of his hookups before, maybe they were emotionless little rendezvous that Dean had used as a way to just figure out that he was gay. Because how else did you know unless you put the urges into practice? Castiel still wasn't even sure what he was and he had fucking fantasized about Dean just hours ago.
"This looks super depressing," Dean stated beside him, their arms brushing together as they moved down the hallway towards the nurses' station; the other man was reading the inside flap of the dust jacket now and Cas smiled to himself when he realized Dean's lips were moving as he read silently to himself. "Maybe this is your problem right here. It's like one heartfelt confrontation away from being an Oprah Book Club book."
"I'll let my dad know that he's marketing to the wrong group then, he should be targeting the unhappy housewife demographic," Castiel replied, laughing when Dean's expression immediately changed to one of shock and disbelief. "Seriously though, his other books are better; he just wrote this one at a rough time."
"You're shitting me," Dean declared, staring down at the book in his hands like it had personally offended him before quickly turning it over and opening it again so that he could read the author blurb that was on the inside of the back of the book.
Castiel knew that it was purposefully vague, but his dad had always made a point of mentioning all of his kids as well as his wife, leaving out the kind of details that made it easy for overzealous fans to track you down and wait outside your house to pounce on you. Something that Cas could only remember having happened once when he was about six and luckily there had been a mounted policeman nearby to keep the strange man away from him and Gabe as their dad had walked them to their nearby elementary school.
Even as an adult the fact that his dad could be stalked or have hoards of fans raving after him was still pretty surreal. His dad was just that guy who wore a bathrobe 70% of the time and didn't have to shave because he worked from home and told really terrible jokes just like every other dad he knew. Seeing people like Meg and Balthazar get all star-struck once they realized that Carver Edlund was just plain ol' Chuck Shurley was more than a little uncomfortable for him and he hoped that Dean wasn't about to do the same thing. He didn't even know why he was telling Dean who his dad was in the first place, it's not like they were ever going to meet or anything.
"Carver Edlund is not a genius billionaire playboy philanthropist. He is not very attractive, nor does he always remember to put the toilet seat down (much to his wife's chagrin)," Dean read out loud as they rounded the corner to see Andy heading out the door with two guitar cases in his hands with Jo and Garth following behind with various other instruments; Bobby and Ellen were ensconced behind the nurses' stations now.
"He is however the author of this book as well as several others, he is a father and a husband, he is a proud cat owner, and he thinks he makes a damn fine omelet despite what his son says. His wife makes art; his kids are a social rights activist, the Swedish chef, figuring it out, and a walking, talking Degas respectively. He is human and fragile and broken, please do not judge him for being just like you."
Castiel cringed when Dean read over the part about him still figuring it out; that had been what his dad had put after asking each of them what they would like the blurb to say about them and Cas had just replied with a shrug because he didn't know what else he was besides a boring, would-be accountant. It sounded so much less interesting compared to what Mike and Gabe and Anna had come up with and he had hoped that his dad would at least take pity on him and tell him what he was supposed to be, but Chuck Shurley had never been one for giving his kids the easy way out. And his mom had told him that there was no shame in being a twenty-two year old who still didn't have their life together even though he had just spent the last six years getting asked by everyone about what he wanted to do with his life and he had thought he had known at one point but now…
Okay, maybe she hadn't said all of that. It had been more of a motherly pat on the arm before she had rushed back to the bathroom because she had just started chemo and it was making her really really sick. His stomach clenched in sympathy for someone who wasn't even alive anymore before he tried to focus back on Dean so that the nausea would go away and stay away because he just wanted to feel okay for a little bit and being around Dean seemed to help with that.
"So are you the chef or the activist?" Dean asked, nudging him in the side as he smirked at him. "I'm mean not that you couldn't pull off the whole tutu and leotard thing that ballerinas do...what do they call male ballerinas anyway? Ballerinos?"
"In Italian," Castiel answered, grinning when Dean gave him a shocked look. "And its usually just ballet dancer, y'know gender neutral and all. But no, that's my sister, Anna is the Degas. And um, my older brother is the activist, sort of; Michael does a bunch of charity work and gets his company to donate big bucks all over the place. Gabriel is the chef, he actually has a cooking show and a restaurant and his girlfri- fiance, works with him and he helps her cater and stuff. It's pretty disgusting how cute they are. Guess my dad will have to put Kali in his blurb next time…"
"So you're 'figuring it out'?" Dean asked, glancing back at the paragraph of text as he asked probably to make sure that he got the phrase right instead of just saying 'loser' like Castiel figured the other man probably wanted to.
Cas scoffed miserably as they made their way to the couch that Charlie and Becky had claimed in the day area, Ash was off to the side playing and from the looks of it losing a game of ping pong with Ruby. "Yea, story of my life.
"Dude who's not?" Dean replied easily, plopping down on the couch as Becky got up and moved to a nearby chair on Charlie's other side. The other man patted the vacated seat beside him, immediately draping his arm around the back of Castiel's shoulders once he had sat down gingerly after glancing around to make sure that Missouri wasn't around. "Girls, what are we watching?"
"I think its a re-run of Everybody Loves Raymond," Charlie declared with a sneer and it took Cas just a second to realize that they were talking about what was playing on the television mounted in the corner of the room, the sound just a droning undercurrent compared to the rest of the noise in the day area.
"Ugh," Dean groaned, throwing his head back dramatically giving Cas the opportunity to admire the other man's profile and the taunt muscles in his neck; he had to get as much ogling in as possible before he didn't have Dean to ogle any more. "We always miss Dr. Sexy on Tuesdays and Thursdays! I should ask Missouri if she'll move the groups around so I can watch it everyday."
"We'd have better luck if Cas asked her," Becky said with a snort causing Castiel to frown in confusion because he was pretty sure the therapist had threatened his life earlier so he didn't think that she wouldn't be doing him any favors. "He's been here the least amount of time, anyone else and she'll say she can't show special treatment even though she totally does all the time. No doctor I've ever had has cared enough to do the kind of stuff that she does."
"I hear that," Charlie declared, putting up a hand for a high five that the other girl immediately reciprocated. "But she probably wouldn't do it for Cas either, because she would know that he's asking for Dean."
"Maybe I want to watch Dr. Sexy too," Cas argued across Dean's lap, his fingers itching to reach out and put his hand on Dean's knee, but he didn't know if that would be okay and he was still determined to redeem himself by letting the other man make each and every move first; he wouldn't even hold Dean's hand unless the other man reached for him first. "Maybe it's my favorite show, maybe I own every season."
Beside him Dean let out a bark of laughter and pressed his face into Castiel's shoulder until his giggles subsided. When the other man pulled back his eyes were all crinkles at the corners and his smile was so big it makes Cas's heart flop over his his chest. "If that's true then we're totally going to have to have a marathon at your place once we're all out."
"We'll order pizza!" Charlie declared loudly before turning back to Becky and chattering excitedly about how great it was going to be once she had discharged and was on her own again.
"Or it can just be the two of us," Dean mumbled, a blush crawling up his neck as he glanced back at Charlie and Becky to see if they were paying attention to him; they weren't. "It can be like...yea, just us if you want."
No one had ever asked him on a date, not that he thought that that was what this was because let's be realistic; Dean was going to get bored of him probably sooner rather than later and Cas didn't want to get his hopes up. But he could pretend that maybe that's what Dean was trying to do, even though he didn't really have all of the seasons of Dr. Sexy since he had never really watched the show simply because Meg hated that show and she talked all the time about how only losers and desperate housewives watched it, but Dean was neither of those things and fuck he would fucking download the whole thing if it meant hanging out with Dean outside of this place even if it was in a group or alone or whatever. He would fucking risk being picked up by the piracy police for Dean.
"Uh, yea," Cas blurted loudly, causing Becky and Charlie to glance at him before going to their conversation a couple of seconds later. He still lowered his voice though, just in case they were still listening. "I uh...I want that. That would be cool."
"Awesome," Dean breathed, turning back to engage Charlie and Becky in conversation again; the hand that had been resting on Castiel's shoulder sliding to the back of his neck and Cas felt the other man's fingers toy with the hair at his nape.
And god, it felt perfect. This was perfect.
Author Note: I know this chapter is a little short, but I was struggling with adding some more so I'm just going to post this and then move on to something else to give my brain a break for a bit. Let me know what you're thinking, if there's something you want to see. I have no idea how long this fic is going to because I've turned roughly three days into 21 chapters...so...it might be super long, whatever. Much love to everyone who is recovering from the finale, I feel you there. Til next time! XO